have to move forward.. but it seems so futile

[moveforward]

Hello all,

I broke up with my long time girlfriend quite a while ago now. Since then I've been hoping and waiting that she would return to me. We broke up because she didn't believe that I would ever put her ahead of my academics/career. She had four years of evidence, and I cannot dispute her reasoning. I submitted to her following our breakup that she was wrong, and that over the course of our relationship I'd matured and realized what I'd wanted -- which was her. Unfortunately I was also a terribly immature ex. I called her and texted her constantly, generally annoying her consistently for a year. Admittedly she wasn't entirely NC either. She called and texted on occasion (at the same time telling me to go away), and only about a month ago did she really put her foot down. I'm finally forcing myself to come to the realization that whether it was the way I treated her following our breakup or not, she's actually gone.

I know I need to move forward. Ironically, I want a woman that I can put first. And as badly as I want it, i need to realize that it may not be her. I know that she wasn't perfect. In fact, as beautiful and as intelligent as she was/is, and as badly as I wanted (and still want) to have a life and raise children with her, she is not -- for some fairly significant reasons -- truly someone I would choose or myself if I could mold a partner. But it's so difficult to let go of her adoration for me. She adored me, and I'm convinced that I will never find this again. .. That it's not out there for the finding.

With the acceptance of this realization is coming a deep depression. I'm so distraught. Even more so now than I was when the breakup occurred. Over the course of our relationship and then the year+ that I spent waiting for her, my social life has really shriveled up. I have very few good friends, and obviously no romantic life. Furthermore, my depression is instilling in me a concrete belief that I've given it my best shot and that putting myself out there again is simply a futile exercise. I don't really know how to push forward, or even find the energy to push forward.

Thanks for reading.

[Windmillback]

Sounds a lot like my story of the past year. You have not been working on getting over the relationship, you have been working on hoping that the 2 of you will come back together again. There will be happiness again, your social life will be fuller and there will be others girls for you, ultimately one that you will be much more in love with. While it doesn't seem this way to you because you have an emotional resiliancy to be a better man for her, do you realize from your own writing that you seem clingy and needy. Work on creating your own happiness, being happy without a girlfriend on your own. If you can't be happy on your own, than no other person can create happiness for you. Last, I read the reasons why she split with you and again it sounds like my ex. While you admit that you did not pay her enough attention, it seems to me that real love and commitment overcomes this. Think what would happen while you were married to her and you fell into a deep depression for 2 years because your parents passed away or if because of a car accident you became permanently disabled and not able to work, just think about it. In the end I have to think real hard about a long time( several years) girlfriend who leaves me because I am a little unattentive for a given time. Not the kind of commitment that I am looking for.
I wish you the best of luck, go work on yourself.

[moveforward]

Thanks Windmill,

While I realize what you're saying, and understand that she and I weren't right for each other, everything I've wished for and hoped for rested on her. She was the only one I ever saw myself with. Still, a year later, it's unthinkable for me to be intimate with anyone else. The desire isn't there. Not to mention that I'm not sure I'd even know how to do it. She was my first relationship, and it lasted 5 years. It just seems so hard. So undesirable.

[moveforward]

.. Not to mention that it's absolutely humiliating still concerning myself over this while she's out having fun with friends. How can I shake this.

[senokotmax]

Hello all,

I broke up with my long time girlfriend quite a while ago now. Since then I've been hoping and waiting that she would return to me. We broke up because she didn't believe that I would ever put her ahead of my academics/career. She had four years of evidence, and I cannot dispute her reasoning. I submitted to her following our breakup that she was wrong, and that over the course of our relationship I'd matured and realized what I'd wanted -- which was her. Unfortunately I was also a terribly immature ex. I called her and texted her constantly, generally annoying her consistently for a year. Admittedly she wasn't entirely NC either. She called and texted on occasion (at the same time telling me to go away), and only about a month ago did she really put her foot down. I'm finally forcing myself to come to the realization that whether it was the way I treated her following our breakup or not, she's actually gone.

I know I need to move forward. Ironically, I want a woman that I can put first. And as badly as I want it, i need to realize that it may not be her. I know that she wasn't perfect. In fact, as beautiful and as intelligent as she was/is, and as badly as I wanted (and still want) to have a life and raise children with her, she is not -- for some fairly significant reasons -- truly someone I would choose or myself if I could mold a partner. But it's so difficult to let go of her adoration for me. She adored me, and I'm convinced that I will never find this again. .. That it's not out there for the finding.

With the acceptance of this realization is coming a deep depression. I'm so distraught. Even more so now than I was when the breakup occurred. Over the course of our relationship and then the year+ that I spent waiting for her, my social life has really shriveled up. I have very few good friends, and obviously no romantic life. Furthermore, my depression is instilling in me a concrete belief that I've given it my best shot and that putting myself out there again is simply a futile exercise. I don't really know how to push forward, or even find the energy to push forward.

Thanks for reading.

I am in a very similar situation to you at the moment.

I was with my ex for around 5 years and I always put work first (I'm a lawyer). Eventually she got fed up and left. I begged, cried, bought gifts - I tried everything.

It's now four months since the break up and I'm nothing like over it and she is completely fine as far as I can tell.

My life is in pieces because my entire future rested on OUR future.

In spite of this there were many things about her that I did not like and I often wondered if she was the best one for me. But, I still loved her and wanted her forever.

Maybe, just maybe, you are mourning the LIFE that you were hoping to have ahead of you, mourning the loss of your future life, rather than her as a person??

[Cinnabella]

I'm confused. Are you saying that she's not beauty and intelligent but you feel longing to her cause she adored you? Lol. Just because she adored you? Or you meant she is beauty and intelligent, i'm a bit confused.

Anyway, it looks like you didn't adore her as she did for you! And if I don't get it wrong, she's not physical attract for you? That mean you should find someone who you will feel attract to, and full fill your needs. Also someone that you feel you can give your attempt to her, maybe she was gone for good.

[moveforward]

Senokot,

We are indeed in very similar if not nearly identical situations. Of course I miss her for her. We shared some amazing times together. But what I truly mourn is indeed the companionship that we had, and the future we were going to have. A future I genuinely believe that I may not find again. I invested so much of my time and energy in that relationship. It almost seems futile to invest another 5 years in a new relationship, assuming that I'm even able to find a woman who's willing to embark on that type of journey with me -- which I sincerely doubt. I'm not sure I even have that reserve of energy, you know? I do have some advice for you though. You're 4 months in, I'm 14 months in. Do NOT contact her unless you have a VERY good reason to believe that she's interested in making it work. You need to heal, and this will hinder it immensely. You will completely stagnate if you are in contact with her. I promise you. She's not worth this degree of pain. If she didn't have the fortitude to stand by you, then she was wrong for you. I know it's difficult, but you need to stay away from her.

Cinnabella,

She's incredibly beautiful, intelligent, charismatic, sociable. Everything a man looks for in a woman. I'm an engineer in the Silicon Valley, and I meet lots of very smart people every day, yet she was far away the most intelligent person I've ever come into contact with. From this standpoint, she's truly amazing, and well out of my league. Yet, she was narcissistic, spoiled, demanding, ill-tempered. We dated while we were in school, and often on nights before exams she would do everything she could to distract me from my studies so that I could spend time with her. She had no foresight. She had no respect for the future, or for my life objectives. She could not laugh at herself. Her sense of humor consisted of laughing at other peoples true problems, which truly disgusted me. She had no sense of humanitarianism. Not only do I doubt that she was right for me, I doubt that she's right for ANYONE. Yet, for 5 years she was my rock. We had plans. We had dreams. Her parents loved me. My parents loved her. It pains me to say this, but if I could go back I would sacrifice my own ambitions to cave to her needs. I really hate myself for feeling that way. I would give up my fantastic career now to capitulate to her demands. It's awful. It's just very difficult for me to believe that there's anyone else out there for me. That I can find someone who will be supportive. Or friendly. Or thoughtful. I want to be able to shake these thoughts and move forward. I'm going to give it another go, trying to find someone who I can truly build a life with. There's too much to lose in not doing so. .. Hopefully it works.

[senokotmax]

I know exactly what you mean. The thought of her face, just being with her - clouds any possibility of ever starting fresh with another. You know deep down that when another does come along and you start trying to make it work, you will reflect on what you had before and the new relationship will seem pointless - futile, perverse, wrong. I feel the same way. I would give anything to go back to the point when things were working between us and do anything to stop it from going wrong.

You have to remember though that even if you had made the sacrifices she wanted you to make for her, she still might have left - and you'd be much worse off for not having your career. By getting your career, you were building your future with her and if she was truly dedicated to a future with you, she would have understood and supported.

But, I also know that being told "she can't have been the one for you" does not help one iota. She was the one you spent all those years with and she just fits the mould for you.

Just have to hope that you'll find someone that will light up your eyes and that that person will feel the same way and hopefully then you will look back on this and just know that it wasn't right and wonder why you were so distraught by it. That's the hope.

Thanks for your advice. I agree with it entirely and its helpful hearing from someone who has been there and done it. I also know that I will probably cave and contact her at some point in the next few weeks. Finding it impossible to give up hope. I got on so well with her family etc, I can't let go of the future that we once had. If I do, my depression will spiral.