Helping My Friend Choose a Woman

[VincenzoG91]

My best friend recently turned 47. He badly wants to get married and have kids. He hasn't been in a serious long-term relationship in over a decade, though he has dated a variety of women in recent years. He is tall and reasonably fit, though he has lost most of his hair and what's left looks bad. He is a smart guy with strong communication skills and an MBA, and before he became a freelance consultant, he was making six figures a year at a Fortune 500 company. He is somewhat assertive but very tactful and polite. He has traveled extensively in Europe over the last 15 years and also keeps somewhat busy with friends and hobbies.

Last month, he decided to finally get serious and try to settle down with a local woman (Stephanie) that he has been dating on and off for the last two years. They got along well, but she is 37 years old, so he is worried that she might not be able to have kids, or that there could be birth defects. And I'm worried that if she is 37 and has never been married, there might be some other serious issue that he doesn't know about.

Last week, he went back to Latvia, to close on the sale of a real estate investment that a chunk of his money has been tied up in for years. He has lived there on and off for the last few years, and dated a lot of women, hoping to bring one back as a wife. So now he started trying to meet Latvian women again, hoping to find someone closer to 30 years old or maybe even a bit younger, for a better shot at both marriage and kids. I have tried to tell him for many years that he is more likely to have a successful marriage with an American woman, because they will have more in common.

This morning, I get this email from him:

"So I need some words of wisdom.

As you know I've been warming up to the idea of making a push for Stephanie. And she texted me back asking how I was doing...I got her email adress sent her an email.

Well, I've still had some questions in my mind if thats what i wanted and so I was going to do a bit looking through eharmony etc, before I finally decided. I didn't get anything there. On this trip I figured I'd put in the final decision when I returned. But still warm on the idea.

So I got to Latvia and as usual the women are amazing. So I decided to try sending out some singles ads...pretty much one last time. And I got a response from the best one: See attachment. Now if you were attracted to blondes i think you'd find her pretty hot.

"Anyways, so I was very excited and we had the following chat: [cute chat dialogue deleted by Vincenzo]

"This was last night and I was very excited. I have serious reason to believe she's interested in getting serious and married. The only reason for her to try to meet an English speaker is to get married.

"So this morning comes...and my face is swollen so i can hardly see. So in panic mode, I guzzle water, eat lots of fruit and hang in the sun all day. So as I start thinking about it...I'm starting to realize that to even consider this girl...I may miss the chance with Stephanie and children and all. Part of the trick is I'm not sure if its guilt for being friends for two years or serious feelings.

"I am terrible at making decisions like this as it throws me into a serious depression. I don't know if i'll have any decision to make if my face doesn't improve. But if I do...any ideas of how to think about this or what i should do?"

The blonde is named Daiga. She is 29, and looks sort of like a young Uma Thurman. She is looking for "friendship, long-term relationship, or travel partner" with a guy who is between 30-50 years old. She is a school teacher and doesn't have kids.

[VincenzoG91]

I told him that if the most important thing was to have kids, then he should find someone younger than Stephanie. If the most important thing is a happy marriage, then he should get serious with Stephanie. I also warned him once again that if he married some Latvian woman, it's likely they would eventually get divorced. But he has heard all this from me before, so I'm hoping for some different perspectives to pass on to him.

[Boisdevie]

1. 39 is not too old to have kids
2. I'd be very careful in choosing a woman from the former Eastern bloc countries - they are basically selling thier bodies for a nicer life in the West. When I was dating I used to get lots of messages from women 20 years younger than me - I never EVER replied

[ConniptionFit]

Your friend is a trainwreck. I doubt you can help him.

[oneandonly]

Lots of women in their 40s have a healthy child. True, there are more risks all around but it's not something impossible. Is she healthy and living an active life?

The fact that she's never been married shouldn't be held against her, IMO. There is nothing wrong with it. She may not have been in a relationship that she felt strong enough to want to marry or it simply didn't work out. I would be concerned though if she's never been in a long term relationshp.

His feelings for Steph don't sound strong enough anyhow.

Going overseas looking for a future wife seems to be a daft thing to do when there are millions of women where he lives, TBH.

[zerokool189]

Daiga may have found her ticket out of her country. I would avoid getting involved with someone like her. My cousin married a girl from South America a few years back. They were together for about a year, she met someone else and left my cousin. She ended up telling him that she used him to become a US citizen and get out of her country. He was pretty messed up, but now he is good.

Stephanie may offer a more meaningful marriage and still be able to pop out some kids. They already have a history. Don't be so quick to judge Stephanie for not being married, you friend is 47 and hasn't been married either

[surfer808]

I second Steph. The foreign gal is a total unknown. He should keep his hair really short and try not to stress so much, also, he can have kids without marriage, might save him some of his hard earned cash someday.

[VincenzoG91]

I've been trying to convince my friend to shave his head. All he has left is this light fluff that looks like it's hovering a quarter inch above his scalp, which you can still see through the hair. Otherwise, he's a normal-looking guy. He's thinking about hair plugs, but I think that would be an expensive mistake.

As oneandonly mentinoned, his feelings for Stephanie aren't that strong. He likes her, but he has never been passionate about her. He's been dating Stephanie intermittently for two years, but has also dated a couple of other women during that time frame. From age 16 to 32, he spent most of his time in a series of long-term relationships with 3 different women. He was very close to getting engaged to two of those women but ultimately sabotaged himself with his fear of commitment. Both of those women are now married to other guys and have kids, so he regrets his past mistakes. He admits that maybe he was holding back in his past interactions with Stephanie because he wasn't sure if she would be too old to have kids, and thinks that if he can just choose her, he can really make things work with her.

I do understand why he kept chasing these foreign women, even though I think it's a mistake. When I was in my mid-30s, I went through a phase that lasted a couple of years where I only dated foreign women. I didn't travel across the planet to meet them, I just specialized in dating foreign women that were already living here. I was disappointed with some dating experiences leading up to that point, and started to think that American women were just too much trouble, and that I might be happier with non-American women. After a couple of years, it became apparent that women are women, and the issues that I was dealing with weren't specific to any one culture. So I went back to dating American women, and have since had two dysfunctional but long-lasting relationships with American women.

Nearly ten years ago, my friend actually got pretty serious with a Ukrainian woman. He was seeing her one week every six months for a couple of years, and awkwardly, she got pregnant by some Ukrainian dude in between his second and third visit. Even so, my friend brought her (and the baby) over here for a month to try living together. It didn't go well. It turned out that she was a heavy drinker with a bad temper. Towards the end of her stay, my friend asked her if she loved him. She was honest and admitted that she didn't love him, but hoped that maybe they could fall in love after getting married. My friend broke off that relationship as soon as she got back to Kiev. I wasn't impressed with her until she got honest with him, but of course he rejected her for that honesty.

Oh, by the way, I googled up her user name from that chat log he sent me, and here is Daiga's profile. I recognize her face from the picture he sent me:

[url=http://www.lavaplace.com/daigucis/]daigucis from Liep?ja, Latvia[/url]

A bit of a nose, and I'm not into blondes, but she looks hot.

[devonbrown]

I agree that a woman from a foreign country who is serious about getting married to an American is a little sketchy from what I have seen. I would have him avoid that temptation.

[ConniptionFit]

I agree that a woman from a foreign country who is serious about getting married to an American is a little sketchy from what I have seen. I would have him avoid that temptation.

Any 29-year-old woman who says she wants to marry a 47-year-old guy is sketchy from the get-go.

[Bella82]

By the sounds of it, your friend has NO IDEA what he wants -- young, old, American, Eastern European, whatever. A woman who is 37 can have kids easily, and with no birth defects (why would there be?!) -- most of my friends had their second or third child at over 40 yrs old. So he must not want to be with the American woman for one reason or another -- age is an excuse. If he doesn't care about really connecting with his future wife, and is only concerned about her age and looks, then sure, find a bride who is looking for a well-off, older Western man. If both your friend and the woman are ok with that arrangement, then go for it, but don't use age as an excuse b/c he's afraid they cant have kids. Just say you want a hot, young chick!

[VincenzoG91]

Bella, saying that a woman who is 37 can easily have kids is kind of misleading. At that age, there is a significant increase in the likelihood of miscarriage, birth defects and fertility. Society has changed a lot in the last couple of decades, but female biology has not. One of my aunts waited until her late 30s to start having kids. She took fertility treatments and had a couple of miscarriages before finally delivering healthy twin boys when she was in her early 40s. Another aunt had four healthy kids when she was in her late 20s/early 30s. Then they accidentally had one more kid when she was in her early 40s, and that kid is autistic. Not in a b-s poor social skills kind of way, but seriously autistic. Then again, a couple of my female cousins have had healthy kids when they were in their mid-30s.

Otherwise, I agree with your points. He might as well stop making excuses and marry a random hot young chick from eastern Europe and hope everything works out somehow.

A bigger problem is that he knows what he wants, but he wants conflicting things. Not just with women, but in life in general. He likes making six figures a year, but he fantasizes about ditching his career and living on a commune. But then he thinks that he also wants a hot trophy wife, who is almost definitely going to hate living on a commune instead of in a suburban McMansion. He had a great job with a great company, but left it for an uncertain life as a consultant. Then he started thinking about hitting it big with various get-rich schemes, like flipping low-income housing, investing in foreign real estate developments and playing the stock market online. Now most of his cash is tied up in real estate that isn't selling right now, and the stock trading became too stressful after some major losses.