Boyfriend going on exchange to US College for 6 months...wants to break up

[ashlees]

Hi everyone,

I'm seroiusly in a lot of pain so was hoping to get some thoughts from everyone else.

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years now (we are both 23 at the moment), and in the last 6 months, he decided to go on exchange to the US.

I was initially taken back by this but realised he wanted the 'college experience' so was okay with him going.

Just recently he brought up the notion that we should more or less 'break-up' or 'go on a break' because he wanted more freedom over there.

I immediately was enraged, as I would assume the only freedom you want is to do with cheating on me. I can imagine myself overseas for 1 year and I will feel 100% freedom and still want to be with my boyfriend when I get back.

I explored more about what this 'freedom' was for, but it was just for hanging out with other girls/guys.

I was okay with that - as I always have been. I don't believe partners should stop making friends with the opposite sex when they have a relationshop.

But then he soon said it would be hugging-involved. Not necessarily hi-bye type hugs, but also longer ones. But he assured me he was not in it for feelings since it's all overseas anyway. But he just wanted to have 'fun'. I feel very unhappy about this because it sounds like he wants some sensual activity?

He then dropped that he 'might' want to hook up with other girls and with alcohol involved in college parties, he may not be able to limit himself. This was really heartbreaking news to me as I know I would never do the same in that position. I wouldn't even get to the point of intoxication where I can't control myself.

I questioned the notion of essentially 'cheating' on your partner while you're overseas - and asked why that is okay? He said that it's just because you don't get the full experience - and that a lot of people (including older couples) do this. Is this normal? I've never heard of this before. I technically enjoy kissing, but I never would have the urge to kiss other guys. I don't see travelling overseas a good reason to take a break to hook up with others.

Am I over-reacting or is this a normal thing to happen? He says that afterwards, he will still be back with me and that he still loves me all this time - but love is a totally different thing.

I just don't get it because I have always thought we have been a great couple and he has ALAWYS been loyal and even assured me that the US trip was definitely okay. He actually believed it at the time - I have no doubt about that - but he just seems to be suddenly changing his mind. And I know there are no other girls involved - although recently he has hung out with some 'girl' friend but I know that has been legitimately friendly engagements.

Do I have a right to feel sad?
Is it normal to break up over a 6 months trip?
If you want to hook up with someone during an overseas venture, is that bad?
Would I be stupid to get back with him after he hooks up with other girls? (when he gets back)

Please advise.
Truly heartbroken.

[Cinnabella]

Girl, you are blind now. I feel like this guy has turned to be a total Jerk, isn't it? It's not different than saying" sorry I want to take a break so that I can have freedom to have sex with other girls".....

And the going abroad is just an excuse anyway. Who on earth would do that if they love their partner? They would try To make their partner more calm and trust that they won't cheat. For me, I won't ever take this guy back in my life if he would hook up with other girls. Not worth it at all for being with a jerk. You are better off without him.

Also this is a female's opinion, so maybe you want some of the men's advice .

[ashlees]

Girl, you are blind now. I feel like this guy has turned to be a total Jerk, isn't it? It's not different than saying" sorry I want to take a break so that I can have freedom to have sex with other girls".....

And the going abroad is just an excuse anyway. Who on earth would do that if they love their partner? They would try To make their partner more calm and trust that they won't cheat. For me, I won't ever take this guy back in my life if he would hook up with other girls. Not worth it at all for being with a jerk. You are better off without him.

Also this is a female's opinion, so maybe you want some of the men's advice .

Thanks for your reply. Well he said he's not wanting to have sex. Just like hugging/kissing and that sort. Is that stuff okay?

[tremolo]

Um.... you believe that crap? No. Guys do not break up with their girlfriends to have the freedom to *befriend* other women. No, they break up with them because they want to do sexual things with other women. If you want to stay with some guy who plans to cheat on you - in whatever capacity - then by all means, let him have his cake and eat it too. Wait around for 6 months while he does god-knows-what with a variety of other women... that sounds like a party.

[ashlees]

Um.... you believe that crap? No. Guys do not break up with their girlfriends to have the freedom to *befriend* other women. No, they break up with them because they want to do sexual things with other women. If you want to stay with some guy who plans to cheat on you - in whatever capacity - then by all means, let him have his cake and eat it too. Wait around for 6 months while he does god-knows-what with a variety of other women... that sounds like a party.

I see your point but I honestly believe it's just kissing at the most. I know things aren't great right now but he's always been honest about that stuff I know what he's saying is honest. If he's lying, then I guess I'm an even bigger idiot.

[tremolo]

Hi everyone,


If you want to hook up with someone during an overseas venture, is that bad?
Would I be stupid to get back with him after he hooks up with other girls? (when he gets back)

I think you already know the answer to these questions. (The answer to both is YES).

I'm sorry you're heartbroken, but your boyfriend is a jerk. Find someone else who deserves you, and tell your boyfriend to get ****ed.

[tremolo]

He says that afterwards, he will still be back with me and that he still loves me all this time - but love is a totally different thing.

Really, this is classic male nonsense. 'It's okay if I put my dick in this other woman, because I love you and it's just sex.' Don't buy into it.

[ashlees]

I also feel like I could have been better.

My boyfriend told me lately he's been unhappy and maybe we've lost our spark.

I want to try to better and willing to change a whole lot.

I just wish I did it earlier. Now I feel as though it's too late because I've 'lost' him....

[ashlees]

Really, this is classic male nonsense. 'It's okay if I put my dick in this other woman, because I love you and it's just sex.' Don't buy into it.

Okay what if I told you that I'm a guy, and it's my girlfriend we're talking about? (And I just wanted to keep my identity safe - for example).

Any changes? Or same thing goes?

[tremolo]

I understand how you're feeling because my boyfriend - now ex - and I went through a similar thing. We broke up because he wanted another woman to stay in his apartment overnight - a 'friend', he said - and I asked him to make alternate arrangements. He decided to dump me rather than make those arrangements. Now, I've wondered the last two weeks whether I could've handled the situation better than I did...whether if I had done this or that, he wouldn't have got fed up and dumped me... but you know what? He took the out because, for whatever reason, he wanted an out. It sounds like you boyfriend wants an out. Either that, or he wants to string you along while he explores other options. I think you're better off cutting him loose and finding yourself another man who's really into you. Don't make up excuses or blame yourself for his lousy behavior.

[tremolo]

Okay what if I told you that I'm a guy, and it's my girlfriend we're talking about? (And I just wanted to keep my identity safe - for example).

Any changes? Or same thing goes?

I'd say the same thing goes.

[Petit Papillon]

Tell him that he must be ****ing kiddin' you . Tell him to have so much fun that his dick breaks but when he comes back, he can straight kiss you right in the ass!

I assume, that if you two have been 3 years together,that you had more or less some plans for the future with him. Well, then , would you like to marry a guy who goes abroad and can't restrain from having "fun" ? Would you like it to be a father of your children? Could you let your parents look at him the same way they always do ? Don't think so. Well ,so kick him to the curb, before he does that . And believe me, you're in a perfect position, he's going to be gone for next 6 months so it's perfect for you to move on. Good luck!

[Petit Papillon]

Okay what if I told you that I'm a guy, and it's my girlfriend we're talking about? (And I just wanted to keep my identity safe - for example).

Any changes? Or same thing goes?

Ohh you'd be insulted greatly here

[ashlees]

What does everyone think about when he says he 'might' want to hook up with other girls?

If you assume this is a truthful statement (let's say 50% chance each way), could this just be an extremely honest opinion?

You know, taking in account of drinking/college parties, maybe he's just trying to be fully honest and saying he 'might'.

Could anyone put themselves in his position and actually mean it when they say they 'might' want to hook up? Ever been 50/50 on something? And if you did, how did you feel about your partner at the same time?

[steviej]

He's going to make full use of that english accent and smash some american pasty whilst he's over there.
Just tell him you have no problem with him 'hugging' other girls, just like he should have no problem with you giving blowjobs to his friends... see if he's still as keen on the idea then.