Torn apart

[junkerbie]

I have to get this off my chest...

My ex and I met about 2 and a half years ago when I was on my 3rd year of college and she was a freshman and we became friends(we go to the same university). I was attracted to her from the start but was too shy to tell her. After about 3 months(Dec), we started getting closer and closer. When January came, we both admitted that we were attracted with each other. We then started going out. It was the happiest time I ever had, we spent almost all of our free time together and were really affectionate that even our mutual friends can't stand us. I graduated last year so came an end to my education. We remained intimate until fall semester started for her and our fights became more frequent as the months passed. I noticed her slowly losing interest in me, but being an idiot that I am, I paid no attention to it. She had less and less time for me because of all her classes and extracurricular activities. Everytime I wanted to talk to her about it, it would turn into a fight. I know I can be emotional sometimes, but it was tearing me apart. Going from being always together to barely seeing her at all. The boiling point was reached when she had a ballroom competition one weekend in December. I kept calling and calling her and she didn't even pick up at all leaving me worried sick and sleepless. When she did pick up on Sunday night, I confronted her and she just brushed it off as if it was nothing. I became upset at the way she was acting and she got upset at me too. It turned into one huge fight and ended with her breaking up with me over the phone saying she can't take it anymore. I wouldn't have been like this with her if she wasn't like this to me in the past. The holidays passed and I saw her on Christmas and New years. She was close with my family so she came to visit. I kept asking her if she really didn't want to be with me. She replied that she didn't want to have a relationship at the moment because she was too busy with work and school. We talked a couple of times on the first couple of weeks of January and after much convincing, she still won't get back with me. She keeps saying that she still loves me and wants to be the one she marries. I believed her and I kept my hopes up. I stopped calling her hoping that she'll be the one to call me and get back together. She called once every 2 weeks to just say hello. Being the weak man that I am, I called her last night. We talked for a while about things happening with her life and mine. I then asked her if she still sees a future with us and she said yes, but she added that I can't expect her to not date other people in the future and I should do the same. I have absolutely no desire to go dating again and only wanted to be with her. We began arguing and she said finally that it is none of my business if she goes out with someone. The future she was talking about was 5 or 10 years. She then told me she was going to go to sleep and hung up. I felt more devastated than ever. I don't even know what to do anymore. She's all I think about even at work. I can't concentrate on anything else. She was my first love and I was her's (according to her at least). I want to know how to make this terrible pain go away. Could anyone give me advice on what to do?

(sorry if it's too long)

[cycletease]

Based on the information provided I would say that your girl is wanting to sow some wild oats. She is in a growing period right now, meeting new people, doing new things...she doesn't want to be tied down. I don't know that it means she doesn't love you, I would say she just wants her freedom. It may very well be that in a few years you get back together...that sort of thing happens. It depends on you, though.

You have no choice, leave her alone. Love her, don't forget about her, but move on. You have to let her do some living, she is demanding it and giving you no choice. If she hasn't yet she will be dating other guys. She will make friends without you and have a life that you are not a part of. All of this will break your heart if you are not out doing the same.

Although it feels like it now, this is not the worst thing to ever happen. You can get through this, you will get through this and you will be happy again. Maybe you will eventually marry this girl...maybe another, either way you are young and have whole life of experience to gain.

I wish I could tell you what you want to hear...that there is something you can do to change this. There is nothing you can do, you need to let go.

I am sorry. We have all been there. I have had my heart broken like this many times so I understand where you are at. Take care of yourself, you deserve to be happy and you will be again.

[C1d6OC]

Hey man, I feel your pain. My ex of 3 years just broke it off with me. Same type of situation, we talked like it was forever and whatever. But take it from me, she broke up with me two weeks ago and for a solid week, I had plans on writing letters, calling her, doing something REAL special and I even got together with her to ask for her back. The more I did that, the worse off I was. It's been a week since that and I have went out with friends, tried new things, worked out and I must say I still think about her constantly, but it's no where near as hard as it was with the initial blow.

I noticed that when she went to the ballroom competition, you called her several times and confronted her about it. This is interesting, because you got yourself so sick and worried. By this, you became insecure with yourself and may have reacted in a manner that really is not you. I did this too and I look back and think, why did I put myself through that? You should never get yourself sick over a woman. As hard as that is, it only lowers your self esteem and you feel the lowest of low.

I disagree with her actions though in a sense of brushing it off. She should have been more compassionate, but at the same time if she feels smothered, that is how she will react. I don't think it was right of her to break it off over the phone. You deserve at least to have this done in person. In my opinion, you need to stick up for yourself and stop dealing with her. Go out and get a life. But don't do it with the intention of wanting her back.

My suggestion does not come from experience, but from the situation I'm in right now. I won't ever know if my ex will want me back, but I can't continue to live on that hope. I have so many more things to enjoy in my life, sports, friends, music. If this is meant to be in 5 - 10 years from now, then it will happen. But don't sit around and wait for the hope that it will happen, because you will end up being worse.

Good luck and keep me posted.

[junkerbie]

The thing is though, we've been broken up for over 2 months now. The first month, I tried desperately to get her back and gave up after she rejected it so many times till I gave up. I didn't call her back after that but she called me up every 2 weeks just to say hi. I've feel as though, whenever I start making progress, she reels me back in with the thought that maybe she misses me and still gets back together after all just to have it shot down once more. She can also be emotionally abusive at times and never had her heart broken before.

[cycletease]

Let's talk about immaturity for a moment. People who are immature emotionally do not have to be bad people with evil intent, they are just young and undeveloped...and in so doing will hurt others around them.

Let's look at this, the girl dumps you because she wants to see other people...but calls you just when she thinks you might be getting over her and sets you back to wanting her again. What would she possibly gain from this??? A mature person would gain nothing but pain for seeing your distress; An immature person would feel happy that they still have you in love with them.

She is stringing you along. Ruling from the forum: NO CONTACT

[acidrein_08]

Yeah definently don't call her back becuase her hanging up on you was totally immature. You shouldn't however tried to tell her she couldn't/shouldn't date other people becuase even if she was just saying it if you are telling her no she might want to do it just becuase of that. Next time you talk to her (let her call) try to not show any emotion and tell her that your doing good. Don't say anything about your relationship, its up to her to decide when the right time for that is. Be strong man, you never know what will happen.

[C1d6OC]

but she called me up every 2 weeks just to say hi.

Honestly man, calling you up to say "hi" is fine, but it's a way for her to see what's going on in your life. Basically to see if anything has changed. The day she calls you and says I made a mistake, then you have a discussion.

Don't you see, you've done great in the second month and now she's calling you. Let her continue to call you. Let her continue to be curious, and don't sit around waiting for that call either.

[junkerbie]

Thanks for the replies everybody. I don't know if she's going to be calling me anymore after what happened the last time we talked. Her reason for breaking up with me is that she's so busy, she doesn't have time for anything else. Right now she's clubbing with her new friends. I just recently found out from a mutual friend that when she asked her when we'll be getting back together, she replied that when i get a job (I was jobless before and just recently found one). It seems that her reasons keep changing and is giving me the idea that she just doesn't want to get back with me ever. She just probably doesn't want to believe that she could be the kind of person that she always said she hated. I just can't figure why she won't give me the whole deal directly and stop playing games. I told her to tell me that we won't ever get back together and she flat out refuses. She says that she could say the words but it wouldn't be true. We were each other's first and it drives me out of my mind thinking about her sleeping with somebody else.

[C1d6OC]

Right now she's clubbing with her new friends. I just recently found out from a mutual friend that when she asked her when we'll be getting back together, she replied that when i get a job (I was jobless before and just recently found one).

All I can say is the best thing for you to do now is try not to figure out what's going on in her life. It will only make you worse. I think all the time what my ex is doing, but I don't want to know. That is why the best thing to do is practice no contact. That's what the tradition is so you might as well follow it. You go clubbing and if she finds out, great, if not, who cares. It's your life. Live it to it's fullest potential.