Don't know if i want to marry anymore...

[Kadie30]

PLEASE I NEED HELP, ADVICE, ETC... A bit long but please read..

My fiance's best friend have been the cause of alottt of huge arguments between my fiance and I. Pretty much my fiance vented to someone he thought he could trust and his friend been not so much of a friend by spreading everything fiance have told him about our relationship. I mean i'm talking over a period of 4 yrs. My fiance and I do fine when it's just us and our children but this best friend is like a thorn in my behind. I came to the point where I don't care to be friends with him, I don't want him around me nor my children, and most importantly in our wedding. That was a huge argument because he wanted him to be bestman. He doesn't even like me so why would I want someone like that to stand at the alter to represent me?? My fiance doesn't want to understand how I feel. We always argue about this fellah. I mean it's bad, in front our kids and all. I don't understand... If mention his name he gets offended and very defensive and goes OFF! But the friend is the one that's been the issue.. I only react. I would never allow any of my family or girlfriends to disrespect my fiance in any manner. Why would he let this friend? My fiance will tell you in a heart beat "if I don't deal with someone and me and you together then you shouldn't deal with them either" ?? I feel this way bout his bestfriend.. Sooooooooo if I don't deal with him why is it so hard for you to not? Especially when he disrespected the woman you want to "marry". You as a man should feel disrespected as well. How i'm feeling right now. I can careless to make any kind of mends with his friend. I don't care to know him.. I have gave him more than one chance and he messed up each time. I really don't care that my fiance speaks to him but I feel like he shouldn't support anything this friend does.. Like be at or in his wedding, anything with his children, etc.. Am I over reacting?? If he didn't care about us why should he care enough to support him in anything he do? This is making me not want to marry my fiance.

[HeartIsAching]

For one thing, you don't get to choose who your fiancee's best man is - he does. Does he get to choose your Maid of Horror? He doesn't "represent" either one of you. He's there to be your soon-to-be husband's support system. He should ensure the ringbearer has the ring and is prepped and ready to do his/her duty. He toasts you after the wedding... he talks your fiancee through it when he gets cold feet.

I gotta tell ya... if my wife loathed my (other, male) best friend, I'd be incredibly torn. You're playing with fire here.

[Kadie30]

@heart is aching...

I'm sorry but I come from great friends and family. I don't like toxic people. I want people in OUR bridal party to be people that have supported us thru out our relationship. Helped us stay together when we talked about falling apart not add to the drama.. People we can trust around our children.. The day I take my fiance's hand in marriage and all that is standing at the alter shouldn't be only thinking about one person.. They should be thinking about me, my fiance, and our children becoming as one in front of God. So my maid of honor.. I choose her because I know if i'm in trouble and my fiance called her he can depend on her, if me and him was having issues he can call her and she would look at his point of view as well as mine. So this friend of my fiance's that cause all the problems in our relationship do not need to be a part of it in my eyes. If he feel so he can marry someone else. ONly thing he is going to be talking my fiance thru is not marrying me.... (did you read the post? the bestfriend doesn't like me.. at all!)

[Petit Papillon]

OP is right IMO. Yeah there is "bro's over ho's" ,but some friends just seem to be good friends , but as OP said, good friend wouldn't cause drama and problems in their relationship, and HIA said, he as a best man , should be a "support system" , supporting what ? He doesn't support this marriage so why would he support his friend while marying a woman he's not accepting ? OP, your fiance has to chose, I already found out that friends come and go and I would never choose a "maybe a good friend" over a good relationship or actually soon to be marriage.

[HeartIsAching]

He's not YOUR best man, he's your fiancee's. You may not like it, but there it is. Yes, I read your post - You strike me as controlling. I'll bet that's what your fiancee's best friend is telling him that you dislike so much.

Why would you spend any time during your WEDDING thinking about anybody but you and your fiancee?

[HeartIsAching]

OP is right IMO. Yeah there is "bro's over ho's" ,but some friends just seem to be good friends , but as OP said, good friend wouldn't cause drama and problems in their relationship, and HIA said, he as a best man , should be a "support system" , supporting what ? He doesn't support this marriage so why would he support his friend while marying a woman he's not accepting ? OP, your fiance has to chose, I already found out that friends come and go and I would never choose a "maybe a good friend" over a good relationship or actually soon to be marriage.

I'm not saying "Bro's before Ho's", I'm saying that if she's so controlling and unwilling to compromise on a member of HIS wedding party, she might be doing something that he'll not forgive her for. That'll lead to resentment that won't go away. I'm not particularly fond of my best friends' wife, nor another good friends wife for the same reason (they're both controlling) but I'm polite and make nice with them simply because they're important to my friends.

[Kadie30]

and the crazy thing about it is.. They been friends since high school.. So we are talking over 15yrs of friendship.. Me and my fiance only been together 6yrs and have 2 children together.. We do everything together.. I feel like he is my bestfriend but i'm not his.. I feel like I'm in the way of his friendship with this friend because no matter how much I come to my fiance complaining about his friend he gets defensive and wants to argue... Tells me to let it go and stop d*#$ riding him.. ???? I thought a partner is suppose to do the opposite?? So it seems this friendship is more important and I'm feeling like I want to just walk away. Maybe they will have the friendship they had before I walked into the picture.

[TKCerbs]

@OP - You wouldn't be the first person who doesn't have a strong relationship with their partners friends, I think this is fairly common, especially if you have a co-dependant relationship (which it sounds like you might) and the friends feel like their buddy has been taken away. I've been the best friend here, and I've hated the fiancé, but I wouldn't have been expected to be vut out of the wedding. In many ways, that was the goodbye to him as a friend.

I think you need to also respect that this is your (future) husbands decision to make, and not yours. If you force this on him, you will come across as the bad guy in this situation. If you don't like him, you don't have to be friends with him, and if your husband chooses to stay friends with him against your wishes (which I think is a controlling action on your part, and I wouldn't be please if that request was made of me) then your beef is with your fiancé and not his friend.

[HeartIsAching]

and the crazy thing about it is.. They been friends since high school.. So we are talking over 15yrs of friendship.. Me and my fiance only been together 6yrs and have 2 children together.. We do everything together.. I feel like he is my bestfriend but i'm not his.. I feel like I'm in the way of his friendship with this friend because no matter how much I come to my fiance complaining about his friend he gets defensive and wants to argue... Tells me to let it go and stop d*#$ riding him.. ???? I thought a partner is suppose to do the opposite?? So it seems this friendship is more important and I'm feeling like I want to just walk away. Maybe they will have the friendship they had before I walked into the picture.

Completely wrong. He should not have to choose between his friends and you. If you two don't get along, fine - they can do things together without you. Of course he gets defensive when you complain. That's what people do with complaints. You want to try and work things out, try discussing it like an adult.

[VincenzoG91]

Taken out of context, the friend sounds like a total jerk. But I have a feeling we're missing out on important context here. Sounds like the OP and her fiance have had some serious issues in the past and the fiance talked to his best friend about the problems. And maybe the fiance never talked to the friend about the good times, so the friend might have a skewed and overly negative view of the relationship. Or he might be aware of some serious issues that the OP has neglected to mention here.

[Kadie30]

I'm far from controlling... Veryyyy far.. Trust me.. My fiance's friend talks mess about me because my fiance went venting to him (as any one would do with a friend) and the friend took the imformation and ran with it.. What type of friend is that?? I visited Maryland one day, met my fiance in the same week of my visit and ended up staying because of my fiance.. So I know no one here but my fiance's friends and family and his friend have put me thru hell since I been here.. I'm to the point where i'm over this friend.. Keep him away from me and my family! That's not being controlling.. I don't want him at our wedding.. He have damaged our relationship soooo many times and I don't know why my fiance will not see that.. We don't argue about money, our household, our children, nothing of the sorts.. People envy me and my fiance's relationship.. We really have a good relationship untill this friend of his comes to surface.. When we go to visit my family my fiance NEVERRRR have to worry about my family or friends being rude or disrespectful to him.. They would never do that.. and if they did, I will handle it..At the end of the day we had our children together and we take care of our household so no one else should matter or interfere.. But my fiance doesn't see it that way.. All he see is they been friends for years and he wants him in the wedding and he is gonna be at his wedding and so on.. I'm not a okie doke person.. Your not gonna just allow your friend to walk all over me and I sit back and say nothing. I don't want him around my family i'm done with him.. How is that controlling??

[HeartIsAching]

Enjoy your short marriage.

[Kadie30]

Taken out of context, the friend sounds like a total jerk. But I have a feeling we're missing out on important context here. Sounds like the OP and her fiance have had some serious issues in the past and the fiance talked to his best friend about the problems. And maybe the fiance never talked to the friend about the good times, so the friend might have a skewed and overly negative view of the relationship. Or he might be aware of some serious issues that the OP has neglected to mention here.

BAM! THANK YOU VINCENZOG91.. That's exactly what it is.. Because the bestfriend even slapped me on my ass at a party thinking it was funny... I asked my fiance time and time.. "What did you tell your friend about me??"

[Kadie30]

Completely wrong. He should not have to choose between his friends and you. If you two don't get along, fine - they can do things together without you. Of course he gets defensive when you complain. That's what people do with complaints. You want to try and work things out, try discussing it like an adult.

Thanks.. But that's just how I feel.. I have never been in a situation like this.. I don't have issues like this with people. I'm not use to this. Maybe it does sound controlling but I can't stomach this man standing next to my fiance the day of our wedding being that he did so much to me. He touched me in ways I shouldn't have been touched, called me names, etc.. I rather just walk away.. Thanks for your advice..

[Petit Papillon]

Friend of 15 years and a fiance (+ 2 kids) of 6 years... Dunno how it is in your books ,but in mine , once there is a "family" , family goes over EVERYTHING ,especially over a friend that cannot accept a member of your family . Like HIA said , he's not very fond of his friend's wifes BUT he's trying to be nice to them , because they are members of his friend's families ... If OP's fiances friend cannot overcome his silly issues , he's clearly not the best friend. What is he? A 18yo school boy ?