Break up is final, need some encouragement

[motleylou]

Hi everyone, One month ago my gf broke up with me after 7 months and a month living together. She claims she needs to find herself and doesn't know where her life is going. From a mutual friend 2 weeks after the break up I found out that she made out with someone when she went home for the weekend, just 2 days after we came back from a couples vacation. The vacation went awesome, was very intimate and romantic. One week after this happening she left to go home 1 hour away and broke off the relationship.

I called and asked her about it and she said that she did make out with some one, and didn't tell me because she didn't want to hurt me. She said that the break up was going to happen anyway because she's so lost in life right now. She also said that she made out wit this kid because she is having low self esteem issues and has a bad self concept( even though she is very sexy and has a lot going for her.)

I told her that the trust is gone and will take along time for me to build it back up if ever, but left like a gentleman and said in the future whether it be 10 months or 10 years if she ever has feelings that we can work again to call me, but she might not like my answer because I might have already of found someone new and be really happy. She left by saying that she does love me and isn't looking for a relationship and just needs time to be single because she doesn't have a lot of love to give right now, and needs to work on herself by being alone.

We had a really good relationship up until that weekend and got along great and had lots of future plans together. I'm completely heart broken because I don't date a lot and don't let a ton of people into my life, and really thought that I had found the one to at least start a life together with(we are 24 and 23 years old).

My questions are do girls really look for other guys when they're having self esteem issues?(Also I was a really good bf, treated her really well, always told her how beautiful she was, lots of affection, and a good sex life.) If she ever does come back, can some one truly change their cheating ways? I mean to do that 2 days after a really intimate romantic vacation to me is really whacked. And can you really love someone enough to move in with them with all these future plans and less than 4 weeks later(and a great couples vacation) move out and dump them? Did she ever love me at all?

Also I am thinking like she isn't ever going to come back and am moving on and now want to start dating again, but still have her on my mind a lot. Can getting back into the dating scene help get her off my mind and regain my self confidence which is shattered? I know a lot of people say to work on yourself, but I honestly don't have a ton to work on, I know I was an awesome boyfriend and do have a few things to fix with myself but nothing major.

Also does the pain of being cheated on ever go away? I loved this girl with all my heart and feel so disrespected by her doing that.(Also the kid she made out with, well they hung out a couple more times, before her kicking him to the curb and calling him out in front of a bunch of her friends, so they are not anything and that kid now hates her.)

Thanks a lot everyone for any info, again i'm completely dumbfounded how someone I trusted with my life can do this and am just looking to recover.

[girl68]

You just need more time.

She won't come back so don't worry about her changing her ways. No girls don't go seeking make out sessions with other men because they're insecure. They're doing that because what they currently have isn't RIGHT. If she felt the same way about you as you did about her, no matter what insecurity she has she won't be out seeking make out sessions from little boys. But she didn't feel the same way about you so she did go looking.

It's natural to be guarded after getting cheated on BUT don't presume ever girl you meet will because obviously that's stupid. There are women who have been cheated on and if she asked if all men cheat what would you say? No. Exactly. Not all of anyone cheats so don't walk into any new relationship suspecting she'll cheat because you'll crash and burn on the dating scene.

[motleylou]

Thanks for the quick reply Khist, I really appreciate it. This was my first time being cheated on and it came for the one gf I've had in my life that I cared for the most and NEVER thought she would ever do that. Some other ex's I thought they would cheat and they didn't. It's just so hard to think i'll ever be able to fully trust a gf ever again, she seemed so genuine and then she cheated on me, really weird and a tough pill to swallow.

Thank you, I defiantly did handle it like a gentleman because at the end of the day as much as I wanted to say F you, it's just not me, and I cared about her so much it was honestly a tough thing for me to say. I also wanted to leave on good terms and also always leave her thinking " wow I really let a good one get away" instead if I went out with F bombs she would think " what a dick i'm glad he's gone."

I agree for right now I really need to heal myself and not carry around my baggage into the next relationship. I'm not going to actively date but also if naturally someone does come along I'm not going to turn down the idea.

[deepika_16]

Being low self-esteemed is not a strange problem with girls. As a girl I can say that whenever a girl found any other girl looking more charming and beautiful that her then feeling low self-esteemed and jealous is very obvious. Well, when it comes to your problem then I would like to suggest you to leave everything for few days and take a long break. It will keep you calm and cool. Spend most of your time with family and friends. Well, I suggest to have some good time with the children who really are so lovely and need love.

Just spread the love you have in your heart and in turm you will get ultimate calmness that will help you to go forward in your life. I am very excited to suggest you a[URL="http://myboyisanidiot.com"] website [/URL]where you can find so many other people suffering from same problem. Talk with them and share your experience and be cool always.

[tremolo]

My boyfriend just ended our relationship a week ago, and it's just now beginning to sink in its final. I miss him a lot, but he really wasn't right for me in so many ways... hopefully you will begin to realize the same thing. It doesn't mean you miss the person any less, or that it doesn't hurt. But if you can concentrate on all you knew was wrong with that person - on the things you were willing to overlook or put up with because you wanted it to work - then I think it helps with the pain.

Your girlfriend is a jerk for cheating, but at least now you can move on to some other woman who really deserves you. I would personally never take back someone who cheated, and I hope you wouldn't either. I know you're better than that.

[motleylou]

Thanks everyone for the responses, Tremolo I agree that you have to look at the cons of the person who broke up with you. There were things that bugged me about her, but as you said I would put them aside because in general I wanted us to work out. I have to keep reminding myself that she's not perfect and there are other one's out there that will offer me more, and won't move in with me(btw another terrible thing she did, she moved into my parents house with me, they let her live rent free and didn't charge her for food or anything.They even gave us the biggest room in the house and helped us move all her stuff in. When she left she told me 30 minutes before I had to go to work, and left without saying goodbye or thank you too my parents. She never left a note or anything, really showed her true colors.) and then go on a vacation and make out with some old fling 2 days later. I refuse to take back a cheater, before we dated I told her I have a one strike and your out cheating policy. Which is maybe why she tried to hide it from me, and then booted on her own terms before I found out.

I just find myself wanting that girl from the first 7 months of the relationship back, but keep reminding myself that she's gone and even if we did get back together things would never be like they were before. Too much trust have been compromised, but it's a tough pill to swallow.

[that one guy]

Thanks everyone for the responses, Tremolo I agree that you have to look at the cons of the person who broke up with you. There were things that bugged me about her, but as you said I would put them aside because in general I wanted us to work out. I have to keep reminding myself that she's not perfect and there are other one's out there that will offer me more, and won't move in with me(btw another terrible thing she did, she moved into my parents house with me, they let her live rent free and didn't charge her for food or anything.They even gave us the biggest room in the house and helped us move all her stuff in. When she left she told me 30 minutes before I had to go to work, and left without saying goodbye or thank you too my parents. She never left a note or anything, really showed her true colors.) and then go on a vacation and make out with some old fling 2 days later. I refuse to take back a cheater, before we dated I told her I have a one strike and your out cheating policy. Which is maybe why she tried to hide it from me, and then booted on her own terms before I found out.

I just find myself wanting that girl from the first 7 months of the relationship back, but keep reminding myself that she's gone and even if we did get back together things would never be like they were before. Too much trust have been compromised, but it's a tough pill to swallow.

Kind of sounds like my ex. My parents let her move in to their house -- rent-free for 4 months. She left with a simple "Thanks." and a hug to both of them. I know the feeling of being cheated on and I wish I could have the same girl that she was at the beginning of the relationship but, unfortunately, she's gone. Her true colors have been showing with the way she's been acting towards me lately. If you feel like getting an in-depth look at my situation, you can [URL="http://www.loveforum.net/broken-hearts-forum/54349-need-some-third-party-advice.html"]here[/URL]. While there are differences between our predicaments, there are similarities for sure. It helps to see that you're not alone in these kinds of problems. I promise you that things will get easier with time. The wounds are still fresh but time will be your best healer right now. Stay strong, my friend.

[tremolo]

Motleylou and that one guy - I am flabbergasted that any person would treat other people with such ungratefulness and disrespect. Then again, I am still stunned at how self-absorbed by own ex was. He never would have been so callous as your exes - but he still showed a real lack of appreciation for gifts (of time, money, effort, whatever) that I gave him. It sounds like you two gave and gave and gave, as I did myself, and received little in return. I hope all three of us can find someone next time who is just as much of a giver. That's how it should be in relationships. One of my favorite stories is 'The Gift of the Magi' - I think people in love should be willing to sacrifice for one another, and it just doesn't seem to happen a lot these days.

Motley - I'm glad you won't take back your ex. Cheating is never okay, and as much as I like to think I embody a forgiving spirit, I'm entirely unwilling to take back a lover who violated our monogamy. Never okay in my book. Hang in there. You'll meet someone amazing soon enough.

[Purrzzzzzz]

My boyfriend just ended our relationship a week ago, and it's just now beginning to sink in its final. I miss him a lot, but he really wasn't right for me in so many ways... hopefully you will begin to realize the same thing. It doesn't mean you miss the person any less, or that it doesn't hurt. But if you can concentrate on all you knew was wrong with that person - on the things you were willing to overlook or put up with because you wanted it to work - then I think it helps with the pain.

Your girlfriend is a jerk for cheating, but at least now you can move on to some other woman who really deserves you. I would personally never take back someone who cheated, and I hope you wouldn't either. I know you're better than that.

yeah.. I agree.. I was thinking today about 'why didnt he ever do this or that for me' .. kinda made me a little angry.. that helped a little..

[tremolo]

I'm glad it helped, Purzzzz. My ex before the last one was kind of an idiot, but you know what? He did so many things for me. He took me on surprise trips around the world, sent me flowers unprompted, handwritten letters in the mail, showed up at my door with sushi take-out... he was amazing in so many ways, but unfortunately we didn't work out. I kept telling myself over and over that I would never ever find someone so giving, and I should not hold my next boyfriend to the same kind of standards he set... but I think I lowered the bar a bit too much. I allowed my ex to get away with almost NO effort, and that was wrong. I'm not saying it always has to be 50/50... but when one person is making 90% of the effort, it's just not okay.

[nathan joseph]

Time + distractions = Relief. Believe it...it works 100% of the time.

[Boisdevie]

So she had sex with somebody else because of 'low self esteem' - what a great excuse. Can I shag anyone I feel like it and then tell my GF that I've esteem problems? Listen mate, she cheated on you.
Will she come back? If she does tell her to get lost.

[KelE]

Use the cheating incident as a way to get over her. It's a good reason to get over a person. You sound like you are better than that.

[Bigboy77]

Its tough, youll go through ups and downs.. Stop talking to her. She made her choice. Shes making bad descisions now and u dont need to be dragged into anymore of them.

This person is not worth your time. Apologize to yourself for getting involved with someone who couldn't see your value. It's her loss.

Say to yourself "shes a different person, shes gone, but im okay with that"

Stay strong