Nice Guy Syndrome

[DarkHelmet82]

Found this article: Fits me to a tee...

A long time ago (or maybe not so long), it was beyond my understanding how being a nice guy can be a bad thing. I thought that the nicer you were the better results you got: in your relationships, your career and your life as a whole.

Then I learned about the nice guy syndrome and I embarked in one of the most electrifying personal development journeys in my life.

What Is the Nice Guy Syndrome?
The nice guy syndrome refers to a behavioral pattern in some men of being very nice to others.

The typical nice guy puts other people’s needs first, always helps others, avoids confrontation, does chivalrous things, and is proud of it. His nice behavior is particularly obvious with women.

The nice guy syndrome has been getting increasingly more attention in the past few years in psychology, as the less than satisfying effects it creates make it start to lose its positive image.

What’s Wrong with Being a Nice Guy?
Quite a lot is wrong with being a nice guy as matter of fact. As a communication coach, I often work with men who I soon realize have the nice guy syndrome.

As a result of this syndrome, they have mediocre careers compared with how skilled they are and how hard they work, they are in toxic relationships, or they sabotage almost every aspect of their lives. I have seen such effects so often that for me, they became highly predictable.

Nice guy behavior may look good on paper, but in reality it has a pretty ugly face. In order to grasp this, consider that the nice guy syndrome fundamentally means people pleasing behavior. As a consequence:

Nice guys come off as needy and insecure;
Nice guys are generic and predictable, so it’s hard for them to create a spark;
Nice guys end up ignoring their own needs and not taking care of themselves;
Nice guys end up not being there for the people who really matter, because they try to please everybody;
Nice guys are full of repressed rage and they tend to erupt at the most inappropriate times;
Nice guys lie, hide and they try to get what they want in indirect, manipulative ways.
From there, all hell breaks loose.

The Nice Guy Paradigm
The leading authority on this topic is Dr. Robert Glover, a therapist who specializes in working with men with the nice guy syndrome, and author of the best-selling self-help book for men No More Mr. Nice Guy.

According to Dr. Glover, all nice guys operate (consciously or not) on the same basic paradigm:

If I can hide my flaws and become what I think others want me to be then I will be loved, get my needs met, and have a problem-free life.

Of course, this paradigm is unrealistic and ineffective, not to mention a pile of crap.


The point is not to turn into an asshole. Being kind and polite to others has its place. However, nice guys tend to take this too far and they make being nice and getting approval the compass of their social behavior.

Having been both a nice guy and (mostly for research purposes) a jerk, I can tell you that in my experience, none of these are healthy behaviors and there is a path in-between which creates much better results.

Overcoming the Nice Guy Syndrome
As an ex-nice guy and a coach who also works with nice guys (and girls), I came to believe that there are three essential stages in overcoming the nice guy syndrome:

Step 1: Realizing and accepting the fact that being a nice guy may sound noble and some people may compliment you for it but overall, it is not a healthy or productive way of being. The concept is flawed. For many men, this step is the hardest.

Step 2: Creating a deep paradigm shift. Even after you realize being nice does not work, the nice guy paradigm will still exist in your cognitive schemas, from where it influences your automatic thinking and disempowers you. You’ll need to consciously change your thinking and weed it out of there.

Step 3: Being less nice. This step involves changing your behavior, developing key people skills and turning it into a less nice one. Specific actions may include:

Expressing yourself more, even when you may upset someone;
Asking for what you want and saying ‘no’ to others;
Taking more time for yourself and taking care of your own needs;
Ending toxic relationships which go nowhere.
The earlier you start, the faster your will enjoy the benefits of being a less nice guy. So take that nice guy smile off your face and go kick some ass!

[Void]

Wow this totaly describes me that it kinda creepy...

Let's try those tips tonight

[DarkHelmet82]

yeah it makes me more depressed because If i wasnt so nice, mayeb Id still be with my ex.. ugh.. im gonna throw up

[Void]

Yea it's hard not to be nice for myself. I feel content but the downsides are true, not all but still engouh..
The whole predictibale thing and insecure and everything is true for me...

[Cerby]

yeah it makes me more depressed because If i wasnt so nice, mayeb Id still be with my ex.. ugh.. im gonna throw up

Don't even start to think like that. If she wasn't accepting you for you, nice guy or not, then you'd have to be someone you weren't in order to please her.

[oldskool83]

ive been nice, ive not given a shit. older i get the more i find nice it not aways right. you can be nice but you dont gotta do everything for somone. ill do nice things yet, but i keep it in front of my mind not to be somone servant. i think my niceness comes out now only when i see somthing nice done for me.

i can be one cold hearted son of a bitch also, ive been the jerk a few times. just gotta not care as much or pic and choose what you care about.

[devonbrown]

Niceness and jerkitude (that is my new word) are simply ends of a spectrum. Like hot and cold. Or high and low. Or conservative and liberal. There will always be people who are at either ends of the spectrum. But most people are somewhere in the middle... being about themselves at times and being about others at times. There are very few extremes one way or the other.
What I think a lot of relationships boil down to is whether one person thinks they are "better" than the other person or not. In general, I think a lot of issues would be resolved if we all realized that we are all equal. Everything balances out.

[ShellyZ]

There's a difference between being nice and being a doormat. You can be nice without letting people walk all over you. And nice doesn't have to be boring.

[jb1111983]

There's a fine line between being nice and being stupid.

[wolfie91]

I think a lot of people also confuse niceness and passivity.
You can be nice without suffering from the "symptoms" mentioned above. Passivity is an adapted response borne of insecurity and reasoning like, "If I don't bother anyone, no one will bother me." It's unattractive. But I think genuine niceness is a different story. It can be compelling and exciting and can be the starting point of an excellent and longlasting relationship.
-shrug-

[surfer808]

Another thing "nice guys" tend to do is want to fix a bad relationship at all costs.
Taking shit when you shouldn't or don't have to.

It took me a long time to figure this out as well, and I still slip up, but not as often or noticeable.

[doppelgaenger]

If you ever call yourself a "nice guy", you are victimizing yourself. "Wahh, I don't get any girls, nice guys finish last, I'm going to listen to My Chemical Romance and cry myself to sleep!"