Relationship without showing any feelings etc.

[tammie]

Hi,
I've been with my partner for almost 7 years and we've got a 2yr old girl. I want my daughter to have a complete family but it looks like it won't happen... I often feel down in my relationship as my partner doesnt show any feelings, he hasnt hugged or kissed me for months and forget about making love It's so frustrating. When we talk about it he tells me he loves me but if you love someone you want to show them your feelings, don't you? He just seems to be happy on his own and doesn't miss intimate moments. Not healthy I think. I'm getting fed up and sometimes feel I'd be happier on my own just with my little girl. Giving him the best years of my life, I deserve to be happy too. What do you think?

[lostnconfused22]

Im in the same position... except weve only been together a year and dont have a kid... he never initiates sex... im the one who has to do all the work... he never wants to kiss me properly like with tongue so there in really no sexual passion in our relationship and weve only been together a year!!! Its depressing hey... i keep thinking that theyre might be something wrong with me.. not thin enough.. is he gay?? We get along so well in every other part of a our relationship... we are really just good friends. Hmmmpfff :/

[zmoore]

i would sit him down and have a talk. maybe something is wrong, maybe he has lost feelings or some other problem but the only way your gonna find that out is if you guys try to talk/work things out. like you were saying, if he does love you, ask him why he wont kiss your or hug you or anything. communication is one of the most important things in a relationship

[pisces25]

I think people tend to get lazy in long-term relationships and 'forget' that intimacy is an important part of the relationship. Zmoore is right the only chance you have of rectifying the situation is by asking him for honest communication. You need to tell him how much it is affecting you, to the point you feel like leaving the relationship. It may give him a wake-up call.

[Boisdevie]

Tell him that you're not happy. Tell him that unless things change - if that is possible of course - then your relationship is over. Everybody deserves hugs.

[tammie]

We've talked about it so many times but nothing is changing. Dont understand why cant he make an effort - if I was told he wasnt happy with some things in our relationship I would deffinitely try to change them. He says he doesnt need hugs and kisses but it's a basic need to be loved isn't it? Even animals often cuddle up together or come to you for some love. I suggested councelling but he thinks that wouldn't help and they would only tell him what he already knows-that he should make an effort and show some feelings. We're more like flatmates than partners and I need someone to love me and show it to me from time to time. He never comes to me and I stopped going to him for a kiss or hug, it felt like bothering him. If I initiate sex he says he's tired or not in a mood, it's like pushing me away all the time. It's june and this year he hasn't hugged or kissed me once on his own initiative, can't remember the last time we made love how long can I carry on like this. It gets me down so often. Last time we spoke about it I did tell him that unless things change I'm not prepared to carry on with our relationship but he probably takes me for granted and thinks I'd never leave him.
lostnconfused22 looks like you're in a similar situation but if I can give you an advice think about your relationship or find someone better because one day you might be feeling like me. I thought he might change but it just gets worse. He wasnt like this at the beggining of our relationship, maybe after 2-3 years. Apparently he was the same in his previous relationships and thinks it's normal that in a long term relationship "it goes down the hill" but I dont agree. If you both care about each other then it can stay nice for a very long time. Lots of my friends have been in a long term relationship or married for a while but they still kiss and get intimate.

[pisces25]

So you are going to leave him then?

[tammie]

Think I will if nothing changes. Can't spend rest of my life feeling like this. Everyone deserves to be happy and I'm not atm.

[pisces25]

Absolutely. And you never know it could be what is required for him to realise things need to change. I broke up with my BF after some troubles we were having and 3 weeks later he was asking for another chance. I did (I believe in 2nd chances) and everyday since we have been back together he has been making it up to me. He said he didn't appreciate me and took me for granted when we were together and he will never do that again. So it is possible the same could happen to you. It is very hard what you are going through especially with a daughter. I wish you the best of luck.

[tammie]

Good you gave him a 2nd chance, hope he will appreciate and love you forever. Dont think he's that kind of person who would be asking for forgiveness, if we split up it would be for good. Yes it's difficult, want a complete family for my daughter but on the other hand it's important she's got a happy mummy. Wish we could stay friends if we do split up but don't know what his reaction will be like.

[pisces25]

He will end up a very lonely man. You need to do what is best for you.

[hello1]

OP your partner just that type of man. He told you he doesn't see the point in it. Its just the way he is, so I would get out sooner rather than later.

I was talking to my boyfriend once about his lack of sex drive and he told me he didn't see the point in sex unless we were trying for a baby...so think about how I feel!

[flynhayn]

Try putting some space in between you and him... Since talking to him about it hasn't made him realize how serious this issue is, maybe your actions will. As I'm sure you've experienced, us guys tend to let information go in one ear and immediately out the other. There's a good chance that telling him about it brought it to his attention, but didn't motivate a change. If he starts feeling like you're the one taking control of things and now you're only worrying about yourself, don't be surprised if he reacts and comes around, wondering what the hell is going on. One of the key factors in keeping a relationship going is to constantly challenge your partner and keep the other person on their toes.

[tammie]

hello1 but is it possible to live like that, without a need to be close to the person who's supposed to be closest to you? Just dont understand it. Know how you feel, there's probably lots of men out there with low sex drive.
Thanks flynhayn, nice words ;-) good to see man's point of view.

[tammie]

Any more opinions? Stuck, don't know what to do