friends were there first

[FwedFwintstone]

Imagine this.

Your girlfriend comes out with all these ideas about what to do and where to go.

Then she does a 180 a week later and says she doesn't want to come between you and your friends saying that your friends were there first and starts to sound less than enthusiastic.

What does it mean?
What is a good response?

I know friends are important, but it is like she is worrying that Im just going to obsess and push my friends away and nothing of what I've said so far has made her understand. So she keeps saying this.

Some attitudes from women stink - it's so childish. They get into a relationship turn up the heat, then come out with the crap "who's gonna be there for you in a few months when things turn sour?", or "love doesn't last forever" and "boyfriends come and go".

WTF! To a serious boyfriend hearing this crap, it demonstrates a womans insecurity and pisses him off. He wants to always be there and imagines a good future, but then his girlfriend says she thinks he may disappear? What are you? 16?

A balance has to be found. But that doesn't mean your friends always come first does it? Your parents came first but at some point you were there for your friends. A relationship is a natural progression that has to inevitably take up some of that "friend" time.

Now how to get this across to her in a way that she understands?

[ShellyZ]

Do you know anything about her past relationships? Maybe she's had boyfriends in the past who always put their friends first and made her feel that she was less important than their friends. She might be under the impression that all men feel that way. Or she might be afraid that you'll resent her if she takes up any of your friend time.

[FwedFwintstone]

I have no idea because I can't decipher what she means. I take what people say at face value, so if they say "I don't want to come between you and your friends", I take it she means she wants me to keep my friends. Especially when she says "your friends have been there longer". I do know some women like to give us men little tests, but it's hard when we don't know what they want.

Personally, I just want balance. I wouldn't let one come between the other and I haven't a problem spending more time with my gf and I wouldn't resent her for it.

[ShellyZ]

Personally, I just want balance. I wouldn't let one come between the other and I haven't a problem spending more time with my gf and I wouldn't resent her for it.

Does she know that? It sounds like this might be her fear.

[FwedFwintstone]

How do you know this? Is this some kind of woman code? She hasn't made a fuss about me spending time with her but she has kept talking about the importance of friends and not wanting to get in the way. I don't get it.

[ShellyZ]

she has kept talking about the importance of friends and not wanting to get in the way.

That's how I know this. It's not code, she's not being very subtle. She's worried about getting in the way, that's why she keeps talking about it. So reassure her that she's not in the way and she doesn't have to worry about coming between you and your friends. Ever hear the expression "bros before hoes"? Some guys actually take that seriously and they consider their friends to be more important than their girlfriend. Perhaps she dated a guy like that in the past, or perhaps she's afraid you're that type of guy. She just needs a little reassurance, that's all.

[FwedFwintstone]

I think that's a horrible expression.

If this is what she's thinking, then it would explain things a little and why I get the impression she's been backing away. Im not exactly giving clear signals myself that Im going to put her first.

I think when she was talking about the importance of friends, and how my friends have been there longer, I took it as her saying that we shouldn't spend so much time with each other and I need to spend more time with my friends to have a healthy relationship. I thought she was telling me that I have to have a life outside of the relationship.

One of her other favourite sayings is "we have all the time in the world", which is great, but doesn't answer the question of "do you want to go out next week?".

These two things have left me wondering what she wants because to me, it's not clear. Finally I may be getting the answers. Thanks.

Just got to hope we can get things on track after she hasn't really spoken to me for a month, and we hadn't met for a month. Finally met up a couple of days ago, but she seems really troubled by various things. Im just upset she hasn't included me in on any of it so I know what's happening. It's been horrible for me, but I've kept the faith when most people say it's over. I said at the start of this month of avoidance, that I thought she was ignoring me so she told me she felt smothered (at times), and I was insecure. I don't know if that puts a different slant on your answers. I hope not.

[sookie6]

When women start bahaving erraticly it usually means some big worry is on their mind but they don't know how to express these worries. So they came accross as lunatics and insecure creatures.

To our defense these problems usually occur when there is miscommunication between partners...something is not clear in your gfriend mind and she is feeling alarmed and lost.
I was not surprised to read this bit ' Im not exactly giving clear signals myself that Im going to put her first' ...I think you need to express your feelings for her more clearly..okay if you don't want to enter an intense discussion about the current state of the relationship one way to go about it is to bait at whatever line she's throwing at you...

'When she says your friends were there first'...you need to validate but also tell her that she is your number one at the moment and you hope that you have a future together..only time will tell though...

You see what I mean..;reassurance without making to serious a promise since it's still early days...

[Mathias]

When women start bahaving erraticly it usually means some big worry is on their mind but they don't know how to express these worries. So they came accross as lunatics and insecure creatures.

Don't you think coming across crazy/insecure is much worse than whatever worry is there? Why not just express the worry?

[sookie6]

Mathias

I guess it's something we can't help naturally or that we only become aware of with experience and age

The same way men often fail to communicate verbally about their feelings and expectations...growing older they learn this skill especially when they are willing to work at a relationship.

I found that unexperienced people in general are quite bad at relationship. This is why I always encourage people to date date and date again. Sometimes they feel 'what's the point' all this hassle...They learn about themself and about the other sex/gender...especially when the are young.

[RdHrshyKss]

I think when she was talking about the importance of friends, and how my friends have been there longer, I took it as her saying that we shouldn't spend so much time with each other and I need to spend more time with my friends to have a healthy relationship. I thought she was telling me that I have to have a life outside of the relationship.

One of her other favourite sayings is "we have all the time in the world", which is great, but doesn't answer the question of "do you want to go out next week?".

These two things have left me wondering what she wants because to me, it's not clear. Finally I may be getting the answers. Thanks.

Just got to hope we can get things on track after she hasn't really spoken to me for a month, and we hadn't met for a month. Finally met up a couple of days ago, but she seems really troubled by various things. Im just upset she hasn't included me in on any of it so I know what's happening. It's been horrible for me, but I've kept the faith when most people say it's over. I said at the start of this month of avoidance, that I thought she was ignoring me so she told me she felt smothered (at times), and I was insecure. I don't know if that puts a different slant on your answers. I hope not.

unfortunately, i think it does. now i'm starting to get the sense that she was implying that she needs space. maybe she is not as interested in you as you are her and was indicating that you should start spending more time with your friends and less with her. the fact that you guys didn't talk or hang out for such a long time makes me think that this might be the case.

[FwedFwintstone]

'When she says your friends were there first'...you need to validate but also tell her that she is your number one at the moment and you hope that you have a future together..only time will tell though...

You see what I mean..;reassurance without making to serious a promise since it's still early days...

I've told her Im there for her, I want to be with her always, and told her that she's important to me. I haven't told her she's a priority though. With what she's said, I don't know whether Im supposed to.

The same way men often fail to communicate verbally about their feelings and expectations...growing older they learn this skill especially when they are willing to work at a relationship.

I talk too much.

unfortunately, i think it does. now i'm starting to get the sense that she was implying that she needs space. maybe she is not as interested in you as you are her and was indicating that you should start spending more time with your friends and less with her. the fact that you guys didn't talk or hang out for such a long time makes me think that this might be the case.

It's an odd situation, one I've talked at length on these forums. We're both adults (30+) but both inexperienced. Im more inexperienced than her. I've let her set the pace as Im shy and reserved and don't want too much too soon. She gave me all the right signals, introduced me to her friends and family and at one point it seemed like we skipped dating and went straight into a relationship and we couldn't have been happier. Everyone said how happy we were together. She said she loves me and I make her happy.

She's really shy herself and Im not sure what happened, but whenever I tried to invite her out anywhere, something backfired, something happened that means she had to cancel, or couldn't agree to stuff.

So mainly we just did the things that she wanted and when we went out, she was anything but shy.

So I got a bit upset thinking she says she's shy, but she's not shy, yet we're mainly only doing what she wants. It was at this point she started with the lines that she doesn't want to come between me and my friends and how we have all the time in the world. She didn't want me being anxious and told me to relax. But it was like then she shut down any communication, I couldn't discuss it and I had to push it down and bite my lip which creates even more anxiety in me because I can't deal with things.

Things improved a couple of weeks later, I had the sense that she was ignoring me and drifting away again, I had a moan and she's ignored me for a month except for a few text messages. But she says she wants to get this resolved. I know she has some issues at the moment, but not figuring in her life for a month, is a big red flag. I've gone from being really great to nothing.

Things may be improving again now. We're meeting again over the weekend and I've had the advice to play it cool and just have fun. But I think I need to talk to her and tell her some of the positive things, tell her I understand and try to settle her thoughts, assure her that she is a priority. Im hoping either I'll send her running or have her come closer. I'll know one way or the other.

I don't know what's wise. I don't want to lose her, but I can't be in limbo forever and I have to take action soon. She's not the most talkative person at the best of times and it's hard to get an answer. I know people say that I should forget about it all, it's over, she doesn't want to know. But I know there can be just as easily be other things going on, from depression, to stress, to hormonal issues. This is the real world. But I think if this continues for too much longer, I think if it comes to it, I should speak to one of her friends as a last resort. People say this is crazy, but if its a last resort, I don't see much harm in trying.

[FwedFwintstone]

She gave me a gift and a card that said she loves me (though the card doesn't say "to my boyfriend" or anything like that), yet I've text her a few days in between and she hasn't responded. If she wasn't interested she wouldn't have gotten the gift, but if she was interested she'd have text back.

Playing Hard to Get? Playing impossible to get at the moment.

This is insane.

[RdHrshyKss]

maybe she is involved with someone else?

[FwedFwintstone]

She isn't the kind of girl to cheat and she isn't the kind of girl to play games. Buying me a gift shows she's interested, hardly talking to me indicates she isn't. Everyone else thinking things are OK and her being open in public and distant behind closed doors makes me think there is a problem that she just isn't ready to face yet. But I just don't know.