In a dilemma

[ryan78]

Hi guys...new here.

I have a dilemma. I have been with a wonderful woman for over 10 years and married to her for almost 4. I met her when she was 18 and I was 22. I know about her previous few boyfriends and that never really bothered me. Everybody has a past. Last night, we were outside having a few drinks on the patio and she mentioned a few of her ex's somehow. She then talked about a one night stand with a friend of her's in high school....probably 12 years ago. I knew about this in the past- no big deal.

Here is where the dilemma comes in-

I asked her if I was her best lover and pleasured her the best. She said NO. She then went on about the one night stand with this guy and how he was soooo good, and that he was better than me. She said in all the years we have been together, I have not pleased her to that level. I find it hard to believe because we have always had a great sex life. Also, this friend of her's died in a car accident in 2003...a few years after we met. She didn't find out until 6 months later. I guess they were really good friends back then and one night, one thing led to another, and they had sex. Now when she started talking about him, she started crying and it became a mess.

I feel so gutted and heart broken that my lover of over 10 years would say something like this. I really don't know what to do. I feel so terrible and it is a lose/lose situation speaking to her about this. I feel like I can't forgive her for what she said because it hurt me so deeply. Can someone offer me some advice? I am really torn up here. I feel terrible and would like to forgive and forget, but it just doesn't leave my mind.

[Red Apollo]

This is why I have a rule; Don't ask a question if you can't handle the answer.

You need to stand back and ask yourself "What does this change?" She obviously loves you or she would not have been with you for 10 years. Your pride took a ding, but if you love her you need to just forgive her. You put her in a very awkward position to begin with, she either had to lie to you or tell you the truth. She chose the truth. Now you didn't like the answer and are unsure if you can forgive her? Its gonna be hard, but you need to just forgive and forget.

[MerryH]

Jeez. Yeah, that's harsh. Totally understandable that you're so hurt by it. I guess it's good that she's so honest? Yikes.

Anyway, just talk to her. Be honest with her in return. Tell her you were hurt by it. Maybe ask what you can do to be her "best lover." And then probably also remind her that it's not really okay to give you the details of her past sex life.

Do you think she told you this with the intention of hurting you? Because that would be a different story.

[Boisdevie]

When can people get it through their stupid heads. It happens time after time here. IF YOU CAN'T COPE WITH THE ANSWER DO NOT AS THE QUESTION. Now which bit of that do you people not understand?

[MerryH]

You guys are right in that he shouldn't have asked that question.

But her answer wasn't just the basic facts. She went on and on and said how "he was soooo good, and that he was better than" the OP. And then she started crying about it and "it became a mess."

The OP doesn't seem stupid. He had no problems with her sexual past. I would guess that he would have taken it a lot better if her honesty came in the form of something more like, "The truth is, I had amazing sex with that one guy. But our sex life is really great and I love you and I'm glad I married you." Or something. I doubt he would be posting about this here if she hadn't been so heartless in breaking it to him.

[pisces25]

I understand you are hurt, but it is just your ego that is hurting. So what if she has had a better lover? Has she had a better husband? A better listener? A better friend? Someone who has cared about her as much as you?

She had been drinking which could explain the increased emotion and ensuing tears of this friend that she had lost. And maybe she thinks he was a better lover that night coz she has idealised it, knowing it was one-time only. She has been having sex with you for so long she may have forgotten how it was right in the beginning. One night stand sex can be very different from relationship/love sex.

Bottom line is she is married to you and loves you. My partner isn't the best sex I have ever had and I am not his. We have openly told each other this. Both of our 'bests' have been with flings where the physical chemistry was dynamite but we had no other connections with these people. I prefer to have the kind of sex I have with my partner now coz I love him and it isn't just based on animal attraction. 'Best' sex is a bit of a grey area IMO.

Like MerryH said if you really do want to elevate yourself to her best lover maybe ask her why that was so good for her and can you do anything to make it like that for her (if you are game enough to ask).

[MerryH]

(if you are game enough to ask).

Haha, Good point.

"IF YOU CAN'T COPE WITH THE ANSWER DO NOT AS THE QUESTION" raaaaawwwrrr!

[Cerby]

She is with you, she loves you, and thats that. So many people have said "don't ask for answers you can't handle" and its true.

My new gf has a past that is much more "indepth" than mine, and I want to know NOTHING of it, so I ask no questions and steer the topic away when possible. That said, I also don't expect her to be as good as my ex in bed, my ex was wild, into trying anything, and was just amazing. This girl seems more vanilla, but that said, if I do fall in love with her, it won't change anything. I'm with with her for her.

[ryan78]

I understand you are hurt, but it is just your ego that is hurting. So what if she has had a better lover? Has she had a better husband? A better listener? A better friend? Someone who has cared about her as much as you?

She had been drinking which could explain the increased emotion and ensuing tears of this friend that she had lost. And maybe she thinks he was a better lover that night coz she has idealised it, knowing it was one-time only. She has been having sex with you for so long she may have forgotten how it was right in the beginning. One night stand sex can be very different from relationship/love sex.

Bottom line is she is married to you and loves you. My partner isn't the best sex I have ever had and I am not his. We have openly told each other this. Both of our 'bests' have been with flings where the physical chemistry was dynamite but we had no other connections with these people. I prefer to have the kind of sex I have with my partner now coz I love him and it isn't just based on animal attraction. 'Best' sex is a bit of a grey area IMO.

Like MerryH said if you really do want to elevate yourself to her best lover maybe ask her why that was so good for her and can you do anything to make it like that for her (if you are game enough to ask).

You made some very good points. In the past, she has said I was her best by far, and now she says this. I had asked her what made it so good and she doesn't know. She keeps getting really mad at me. I can handle the truth, but I can't handle a complete different answer than what I have been told for years. I just find it hard to believe that a drunken one night stand is better than any of the sex we have had in over 10 years, including our wedding night which was the most special night of our lives. To me, that hurts deep. Sure, my ego took a hit, but she hurt my feelings really bad.

[pisces25]

hmm.. I think maybe she is just idealising that situation. I don't know why she would want to intentionally hurt you. Is she trying to make you feel bad for anything else that might be going on in your relationship? Often when we say silly stuff like that it can be a symptom of something else not being right. But then again it can be harmless. Not sure what advice to offer you. It does suck having something circle around in your mind like a vulture. Just try your best to let it go. Stay present in the moment. That was years ago and should really have no impact on what is happening now. It is irrelevant. You are placing too much expectation on her to see you as her one and only, even pertaining to events that happened before she had even married you. She had a life before marrying you. Just because she married you doesn't mean other stuff that happened to her was insignificant.

As for why she told you before that you were the best I don't know why she would have done that. Probably to protect your feelings. Nonetheless uou need to be able to accept the truth from you wife and think about the bigger picture of you together. It only makes YOU feel better when she says you were the best lover as you have placed importance on that. You are attached to the idea of it. Try adjusting your thinking a little bit.

[ryan78]

hmm.. I think maybe she is just idealising that situation. I don't know why she would want to intentionally hurt you. Is she trying to make you feel bad for anything else that might be going on in your relationship? Often when we say silly stuff like that it can be a symptom of something else not being right. But then again it can be harmless. Not sure what advice to offer you. It does suck having something circle around in your mind like a vulture. Just try your best to let it go. Stay present in the moment. That was years ago and should really have no impact on what is happening now. It is irrelevant. You are placing too much expectation on her to see you as her one and only, even pertaining to events that happened before she had even married you. She had a life before marrying you. Just because she married you doesn't mean other stuff that happened to her was insignificant.

As for why she told you before that you were the best I don't know why she would have done that. Probably to protect your feelings. Nonetheless uou need to be able to accept the truth from you wife and think about the bigger picture of you together. It only makes YOU feel better when she says you were the best lover as you have placed importance on that. You are attached to the idea of it. Try adjusting your thinking a little bit.

It really does suck having this in my head. I am proud of the fact that I at least came here looking for help. This is something I have never done. In the past 2 days, this has really put a strain on our relationship. When she said I was the best all those times, sure, it made me feel good. But to find out otherwise all these years later hurts me deeply. I haven't really placed an importance on the fact that I was the best, it was just good to know. I really want to work this out with my wife, but can't get past what she said. I'm trying, believe me, I'm trying. She doesn't want to talk about any of this. I told her I want to finish this and move on, but it's a 2 way street. We need to talk, which seems very hard to do.

[jayjay30]

i never dwell on whats been said while one is drunk. just move on dont ruin a good thing because you asked a question. also you stated this person was not only a one night stand but a good friend of hers who passed away-which would explain her breaking down and crying-she lost a friend and didnt find out i think you said 6 months? it probably was not about the one night they had together probably because he passed away and she never got to say good bye and never found out till months afterwards. just drop it. she is with you has been for a long time she loves you.

[John Littlejohn]

I really want to work this out with my wife.... We need to talk, which seems very hard to do.

What is there to talk about? You asked a question that you couldn't handle the answer to. She gave you an honest response. That's what she's supposed to do. What exactly do you want to hear from her now that will help this situation? You want her to lie to you now? Only you can do the growing up that will put this behind you.

[ryan78]

What is there to talk about? You asked a question that you couldn't handle the answer to. She gave you an honest response. That's what she's supposed to do. What exactly do you want to hear from her now that will help this situation? You want her to lie to you now? Only you can do the growing up that will put this behind you.

What is there to talk about? Howabout why she changed her opinion she has gave me all these years? What made it so much better? What can I do to be a better husband/lover? I want this to work out. I don't want to destroy what we have and I have been put in the most difficult situation of our relationship so far. For both of us.

[John Littlejohn]

Howabout why she changed her opinion she has gave me all these years?

She didn't change her opinion; she merely told you the unvarnished truth when she was drunk and her defenses were down. You're talking about the equivalent of had she asked you, "do I look fat in this," and you, being a little distracted, said, "yeah, a little bit." It's true, but also a little brutally honest.

What made it so much better? What can I do to be a better husband/lover? I want this to work out. I don't want to destroy what we have and I have been put in the most difficult situation of our relationship so far. For both of us.

Not being the #1 best that she's ever, ever had in the sack does NOT destroy what you have together. Not even remotely. It's your unhealthy blowing it out of proportion it that is doing that. There's nothing to "work out" except your insecurities. If your luvin' was unsatisfactory, she would have booted you 10 years ago. And there is so much more to being a good husband than merely ****ing her like she's never been ****ed before. Clearly, she feels you have all that, otherwise you'd be out on the street.

Asking what you can do to be a better lover is great. You should do that. All couples should communicate about their needs. In a nonconfrontational, trust-building partnership way. Not by interrogating. Not by forcing her to spill it when she's upset and doesn't want to. Eventually obtaining that information, however, will not address the insecurity that's at the root of your issue. It won't make you feel better about this semi-mythical one-night lay she had in high school. It won't make you feel less "terrible" or "gutted." You'll have to learn, pretty much on your own, but with her help too, to be happy that the woman you care so much about once had a really tremendous time with someone who wasn't you.

In the meantime, you're torturing your wife by interrogating her over something that clearly she associates with the death of somebody she cares about. Cut it out.