Rejected Proposal... Help please.

[MichelleR]

My boyfriend and I went on a trip last month and when we came back, he proposed to me that night. To give details, he is 28
and I'm 25 and we have been dating for five years. I rejected him with a sorry and when I looked up, his face was twisted in such pain that my heart nearly broke. He left before I could tell him that I am young and not ready for marriage and kids in any way.

I absolutely hate myself for having cause him so much pain but if I didn't reject him, right now I would most likely be thinking about how I would be doomed before the age of thirty. His friends hate me and fail to see the reason my and my friends have been somewhat supportive. I have not seen him since and I'm guessing that he's bunking in with a friend since we moved in together last year- or he could be in his other apartment but I've checked and no one answers. I love this man but in a strange sense, I'm just not ready to take this step. Not for another five years. And of course, I miss him. In the last two days Ive been thinking that for his sake I should have accepted the proposal. I want to continue our normal relationship like this proposal never happened. What should I do( what can I do? Do you think he truly hates me? My friends tell me he doesn't hate me but friends are friends- they tell you the hints to make you feel better.


Any help would be greatly appreciated

Thanks,
M

[IncognitoSir]

Well it's pretty clear that you both want 2 separate things. He's ready to settle down and get married and you have a plan to wait till you're 30. Although you've destroyed him, you did the right thing which in itself is very hard to do. On the other hand, he's not wrong for wanting to settle down, it's what he wants and your decision to reject him might have forever altered the relationship. Imagine how you might feel at 30 years of age, ready to settle down and he just never asks you to marry him. You'd feel hurt, confused, and just destroyed to be honest. I think he needs his space for now. That's some serious rejection to deal with. Let him come back to you when he pulls himself together. Use the support of your friends through this......but neither of you are at fault here. You did the responsible thing, just so happens he got hurt in the process.

As far as him hating you, I don't think thats the case at all. He's just hurt really bad. It takes a lot of courage to ask someone to marry you and to be rejected by the person you care for the most is hard to take. His friends support him just as your friends support you. You know him better than we do, but I'm sure he'll come to you to discuss his feelings so you guys can try to move past this.

[VincenzoG91]

Your plan is kind of stupid. How do you know if you will be with the right guy at exactly age 30? Oh well, this current relationship is probably doomed.

[SapphireBerry]

I really have to agree with Vincenzo with that last part, and the above adivsor, you don't want what he is offering and because you rejected him it's most likely he's totally beside himself right now. It'd take quite alot of work to build this relationship back up to normal again as you've kinda shattered him by saying 'no I don't want to spend the rest of my life with you' (I know you didn't say it like that but that's probably how he's seeing it in his mind).

Like you, I have no idea what could happen from then on, it sounds like he needs his space and you may have blown it and soon you may realise that this isn't the man you want to be with forever, you say you love him 'in a strange sense', I would definitely assume that he loves you in a 'non strange sense' if you get what I mean, to be honest you guys are on a completely different page to each other, this could be hard to fix, there's some heart mending and self evaluationing to be done..

[IndiReloaded]

Why did you string him along for so long? People who are together that long generally expect some kind of longterm commitment.

Be kinder next time and cut him loose when you know he's not the one.

[surfhb]

Whats intresting here is: Was there any disscussion of marriage? I find it hard to believe this is just a random surprise? Oh well....too late now. This story is beyond heart breaking

[reeba]

5 years and you two never talked about the future? I find it hard to believe this proposal was a total surprise.

So what do you want to do in the next 5 years, that he would stop you from accomplishing? Were you hoping to screw around with a couple of other guys before settling down? Were you hoping to spend a year traveling? Moving to chase a career?

And why do you think marriage means kids right away. If you want kids, waiting till 30 to get married will mean you will have to find mister right fast and have babies fast.

Leave him alone unless you plan on saying yes, and sticking to your decision.

[ShellyZ]

I'm going to disagree with everyone and say that you don't have to be ready for marriage just because you've been with your boyfriend for a long time. That doesn't mean you don't love him, it just means you're not ready yet. There's nothing wrong with that. Marriage is forever; you're smart not to rush into it.

I don't believe your relationship is doomed. I just think you didn't do a good job of explaining your reasons to your boyfriend. Maybe you could explain to him that you're not saying "No." You're just saying "Not yet." You like your relationship the way it is and you still love him and want to be with him. Clearly he loves you and wants to be with you, so what's the problem? Why can't you continue to be together in a relationship, and simply delay the engagement for a little while longer? You're not rejecting HIM, you're just rejecting marriage, for now.

I'm also 25 and I wouldn't want to be engaged right now either, even if I was totally in love with the guy. And I don't think 28 is that old; he's not the one who has to worry about his fertility, ya know? So why is he in such a rush to get married? I know people will say that 5 years is not rushing into marriage, but obviously you're not ready, so why can't he wait? You can still be together and be happy, you don't have to get married right this second. I think he's so upset because he's interpreting this as a rejection of him, thinking you don't want to be with him anymore. But that's not the case, so perhaps he'll feel better if you explain it to him?

[IndiReloaded]

How much longer should he wait? Really, if this were a guy doing this to a gal everyone would be saying "stop wasting your time".

Besides, saying yes doesn't mean getting married instantly. I was engaged for 2 years. This is something else.

[HeartIsAching]

If he's not the one, he's not the one. Marry when you can do it without hesitation. Don't settle and find out later that "The One" was coming along in a little while.

[ShellyZ]

How much longer should he wait? Really, if this were a guy doing this to a gal everyone would be saying "stop wasting your time".

Everyone except me, I guess, lol. I don't know why people say that to women. I suspect it has something to do with a woman's biological clock and how she only has a few fertile years left, so she has to hurry and get married before it's too late to have kids. This phenomenon is known as "baby rabies." I think it's a ridiculous reason to get married, but some women are that desperate for babies. Men, on the other hand, don't have this problem. Which is why men often don't want to get married until they're ready to have kids, because they can have almost everything they want with their girlfriend without getting married. The OP and her boyfriend are pretty much married now, just not on paper. So what sacrifice is he making by waiting for marriage? If she's likely to marry him in a few years anyway, it doesn't seem like he's wasting his time. He's not running out of time; he's not the one with ovaries.

Besides, saying yes doesn't mean getting married instantly. I was engaged for 2 years. This is something else.

Good point. Let me ask you this: how does being engaged for 2 years differ from continuing to date for another 1.5 years and then being engaged for 6 months? Not much difference, it seems, other than waiting a little longer to get engaged. You still got married eventually.

If he's not the one, he's not the one. Marry when you can do it without hesitation. Don't settle and find out later that "The One" was coming along in a little while.

Maybe he is the one. Maybe now just isn't the right time.

[abn25]

Give him space, you were asking for that yourself when you rejected him. That explains why he's not answering you now. I can understand waiting a little while longer but once you hit 30 you'll have been glad to have gotton any proposal, so if you love the guy tell him. Tell him how you feel and maybe you can wait it out together. Women really do put too much of a "timeline" on their life and you might regret that too.