Single parents and dating?

[JadenMia]

I am a young single mother. I dont ever have real problems with dating or finding partners but now i have a daughter and i split with her father when she was around 5 months old. She is now 3 years old.

Well, at first i wasnt sure how to go about dating with a child. I have heard a lot of opinions about this issue. Some people say not to introduce a child and a new partner, some say that its disgusting to start dating at all when your child is young.
What are your views on this?

My last partner i had, he knew obviously about my daughter but i didnt introduce them for a few months. I wanted to be sure it was serious first. Then i didnt let the three of us hang out until after around the year mark. It was around the 18th month mark i started pushing for more responsibility from him with my daughter. The way he spoke about us, he made it clear he wanted to be around for a long time so i thought it was only reasonable.

Well i could tell there wasnt much effort coming from him towards my daughter he seemed more interested in our relationship than he did with my daughter. Which worried me a lot. When i dug deeper he admitted he wasnt so sure about him being any sort of daddy figure to her and he didnt feel like her 'dad' and felt like he was taking his place when he shouldnt have been. (me and her father dont have any sort of contact). He also swore and pushed that he wanted to do this. That he just wasnt used to anything like this. He kept promising he wanted to be a father figure to her, he just wasnt sure how. His actions said otherwise.
This was obviously a huge deal breaker for me and we ended it.

I cant help but think i could have found this out sooner if i had introuduced them sooner, asked for the responsibilty sooner.. That sort of thing. But then again introducing them too soon could be a bad idea also. I wanted to be sure of our relationship before my daughter and him having any sort of relationship.

What is the right way to go about this? I dont want to do the same thing in the future. Fall madly in love with someone, to only find out they are not down for the whole daddy thing..

Does anybody have experience dating with children? What are your views on this? Any advice on the right and proper way to go about these situations?
I really have no idea..

[sookie6]

I would think the way you went about it so far is the healthy way. It did not work out with that particular guy but I don't feel you rushed into things...saying this you are allowed to have friends and you could start introducing a man as a friend so that at least the child is a reality in the relationship from the very beginning.

I can only emphasise though to only expose your child to a new man once you trust this guy (you've met his friends, some of his family, knows where he works etc..) and never ever let your child alone with a man as long as she is so young and there is no need for it...

Trust is something that needs sometime to establish...don't rush anything.

[JadenMia]

I would think the way you went about it so far is the healthy way. It did not work out with that particular guy but I don't feel you rushed into things...saying this you are allowed to have friends and you could start introducing a man as a friend so that at least the child is a reality in the relationship from the very beginning.

I can only emphasise though to only expose your child to a new man once you trust this guy (you've met his friends, some of his family, knows where he works etc..) and never ever let your child alone with a man as long as she is so young and there is no need for it...

Trust is something that needs sometime to establish...don't rush anything.

Thanks Sookie6, I thought the way i did it was the healthiest way also. But then after what happened i couldnt help thinking i should have brought her into the equation a lot sooner so he knew what to expect and could decide whether he liked the idea of having kids around and the idea of him being a father figure. Because ultimately that is what i am looking for.
The friends idea is a great way to go i think. After me and my partner broke up i met someone and this is the route i chose to go with him. We werent serious at all, but he invited me and my daughter on shopping outings, carnivals and other things.. So it was only appropriate that they met and we went together.

That worked really well, he was helping with parenting duties within a few weeks whilst we were out together and i saw a HUGE difference in that way. Unfortunately we didnt work out, went our seperate ways due to other problems. But when my ex found out about us being together and my daughter meeting him he would say that i was a horrible mother introducing people to her that soon.. Saying i was an average single mother who didnt give a crap about what my daughter would go through.
Which couldnt be further than the truth..lol
So i guess that kind of rocked my views a little bit and i wondered if he was right and i shouldnt have introduced them. At the time it just seemed appropriate.

I am asking as i have met a man who seems awesome. We dont have any established 'for sure' relationship so we are not at that point yet anyway.. But i just wanted to ask before the time came

[oldskool83]

i feel u did it wrong. but i dont have kids so whats my option really worth. he had u 1 on 1 for a year then u give him a kid not the way i fell it should be done. if soone had kids might as well introduce them sooner then later.

my g/f has a kid and her father is active in her life ever weekend or a day or so out of the week. I met my g/fs kid a week after we started hanging out. she was up front and said come over for dinner. so we all had dinner. about a week later she started getting homeworkd and said you got Homework to do. i was alittle blind sided cuz shes a smart ass but no prob i did it. thats my duty now, also cooking breakfast when i can on weekends. I dont have alot of stuff to do compaired to my las g/f and ex wife i did it all so some hw and helping the kid out is no big deal. about 3 weeks into it she said i could run up to a certain point. the next day i was told my time to run is up and im stuck now or somthing like that. i dont yell at the kid but i can take some athority with her if she acts up. Ive had to baby sit her and give her a bath too. shes 5.

so i say might as well introduce early cuz you'll find out if someone can handle it like they say they can. I said i was fine with everything, my actions spoke louder the my words.

[BrownDog52469]

First off, you deserve a lot of credit for being a single mom. It's hard work and noone gives you the credit you deserve. Second, a friend of mine seems to sell herself short in part because she has a child. Do NOT thiink this way! Single mothers are mature, smart, strong, independent and amazing women. Your child is a blessing. If a guy does not see that then he is imature and selfish. Sorry for the unsolicited somments, but that's what I tend to do. lol. Finally, introduce a guy to your child when it is best for the child. Sure introducing a guy to a child early in the relationship may filter out some of the imature selfish ones early, but it isn't good for a child to be introduced to a significant other who may not be around long. Children become attached very quickly. My friend came to visit me at work with her son. I knew he was coming and had a little present for him. He called me "dad". That goes to show that it doesn't take much for a young child to get attached. Children of split parents have enough to deal with already. (I'm by no means saying your in any way wrong for being a single parent. I've seen friends do everything right and nevertheless end up in that situation). But in reality being a child of split parents isn't easy either. You can't let them get attached and soon after decide he isn't Mr. Right. How long do you wait; i can't answer that . It's like asking how do I know when I find Mr. Right.

Again congrats for being a single mom!

[jayjay30]

i make it known i have kids. either they stick around or they dont.

[vashti]

I think you were absolutely correct in waiting over a year to introduce your child to him. right now, the only one who is hurting is YOU. Had you brought him around sooner, then your kid may end up suffering too, when they bond to inappropriate people who only end up leaving anyway.

The only thing I question is what you expect from this man. He is not your child's father, and shouldn't be expected to act as one, IMO. Your child's dad is still in the picture, right?

[JadenMia]

I think you were absolutely correct in waiting over a year to introduce your child to him. right now, the only one who is hurting is YOU. Had you brought him around sooner, then your kid may end up suffering too, when they bond to inappropriate people who only end up leaving anyway.

The only thing I question is what you expect from this man. He is not your child's father, and shouldn't be expected to act as one, IMO. Your child's dad is still in the picture, right?

Yes, thats why i wanted to wait, i didnt want her feelings to be hurt if something was to happen, that is my main concern.
And yes and no did i expect him to act like a father. If not now.. In the future if we had stayed together and decided to marry.have kids.. This is never going to happen now.. But if it was going to.
We were very serious, i am looking for a family man. Someone to spend my life with maybe add to my family in the future. So would i do this with a man who didnt act like a father to my daughter? Maybe have more children with him, father my other children but not her?
No. Certainly not. A man who i accept into my life would have to take on this role eventually and i expect it. WHEN we get serious and talk about spending our life together.. moving in together etc.
This is coming from experience may i add. I dont know my father, well up until last year did i find out my 'dad' isnt my real dad. He has raised me since i was a baby, my real father has never wanted to be in the picture and by law couldnt be due to his abusive nature.
My dad treats me and my siblings all the same way, has always made it clear he is my dad as much as he is my siblings. Thats how i want it to be for my daughter too. Not left out in any way just a part of the family and i believe thats how it should be. I want that for my daughter.
No, her dad doesnt have any part of her life. For her well being and through his decision.

[JadenMia]

i make it known i have kids. either they stick around or they dont.

I always make it known i have a child, i just dont introduce right away.

[JadenMia]

And thankyou BrownDog! Yes, its definitely hard work and definitely all worth it. I just want to find the right man to have in our life I guess i will go with the flow and do what feels right. Maybe if i feel a guy has potential i might introduce them as a friend.. Maybe.

[MerryH]

But when my ex found out about us being together and my daughter meeting him...

This isn't any of his business. Your ex doesn't get to have any say in how you do things. His opinion is worthless, don't invite it. I really hate your ex. Haha.

Anyway, this is not my territory so I have no other advice. It's good that you're putting serious thought into this, though.

[JadenMia]

This isn't any of his business. Your ex doesn't get to have any say in how you do things. His opinion is worthless, don't invite it. I really hate your ex. Haha.

Anyway, this is not my territory so I have no other advice. It's good that you're putting serious thought into this, though.

Haha, thanks MerryH Yeah i dont know why i let his comments get to me sometimes. Because when i really think about them, they are completely full of spite and jealousy. Wow just a horrid person.
I'm so glad you guys were here to help me through that time. I honestly wonder if it wasnt for this forum that i would still be there.. Wondering if what he did and said was right. I feel awesome now

[sookie6]

I hope you find a goo man Jaden...but how old is the current one...a man will be more likely to entertain the idea of family responsibilities when nearing 30 and after 30..saying this there are a lot of young responsible men too.

[Boisdevie]

I've been with my GF for 8 months and she has two children aged 8 and 3. At the very beginning, even before we met in person she told me that she had children and was that a problem? Well not for me but everyone is different. I have two daughters of my own so I know how important children are. We took things are the speed which was right for my GF because I did not want to cause problems. Here is an example of what I mean. My GF lives 130km away from me and last November I saw my GF during the day when the kids were at school. I understood that I could not sleep there for the evening because that was way too fast for the kids. I wanted to see my GF the next day so that evening I slept in the car. Perhaps because I have children of my own I understand how things work. Now, because we took things slow re the kids everything is great. I get on really well with my GFs children. Children are precious.

[JadenMia]

Thanks Sookie, my current interest shows GREAT potential for me. I am trying my hardest not to blow anything and so far everything is so good between us. He knew the first night i met him that i had a child and he made a big deal about how much he loves kids and would like kids in the future. Its only been about a month we have been seeing each other so it hasnt been long. He is always asking how Mia is, making a big deal about her and has seen my pictures of her on my facebook and says how pretty and cute she is. He has told his parents about me and my daughter already also. I have met his dad and he asked about us so he must have spoken about us to him too.
He is 24 so not really nearing 30.. Im 20 so a little younger than he is.
I am crazy about him right now. He gives me butterflies, he is SO nice to me. Like its just something so different to what i have been used to i LOVE it. He is so attentive and caring .. Ahh

Boisdevie - You sound like a really great guy, your girlfriend is very lucky to have you around. Its really nice that you understand the importance of children. My daughter is the most important thing in my life and i only can hope this guys works out for me! Good on you for being a great man to be with and putting others needs before yours.