Tex-ting Ex Girlfriend all the time

[tyson88]

I want honest opinions on whether I am being unreasonable or too jealous from a girl's stand point. I don't consider myself a jealous person overall. In fact, my boyfriend has guys nights out with his male friends and friends that are girls that are also mutual friends with me. I admit, I have conversations with some ex's from my past, but my boyfriend is always present when these convos take place and my phone is open to him. But for some reason, I seem threatened by one girl in particular...

My boyfriend broke up with her months before we got together. When she found out he was dating again (she doesn't know me) she sent him a FB message that said "we need to talk". I never thought anything of it. Him and I have been together for a year. I noticed she was texting him a lot while he was at work and still continues to. She added him to FB which I didn't have an issue with. So, trying to be polite, I suggested that she come over for drinks or we all hang out with eachother. My boyfriend said that SHE said it would be too awkward for her since she still probably liked him. This made me suspicious. I sent her a friend's request and she ignored it and she even sent my boyfriend a message asking "why did your girlfriend try to add me"?

She continuously is messaging him all day while he is at work and he replies to all her messages...but I barely get any messages from him. He says it's because we live together. Every time she has relationship problems, my boyfriend always says he feels bad for her and she's such a nice girl, etc. Even his mother sticks up for her because she also knows her. I am uncomfortable with her because I never met her or spoke to her - yet she talks to my boyfriend and his mother all the time! But here's the funny part....they stop messaging each other when he gets home from work. I assume it's because I'm now in the room with him when he is home.

I have seen some of the messages and for the most part, they are innocent. But the majority of them are deleted before I have a chance to see anything. One bothered me a bit when she said to him "tell (my name) we are going out for drinks when she is gone and not to worry, nothing will happen". Luckily, my bf responded and said "I don't think my gf would like that too much". This was when I had a girls night out and was going to a concert. I rarely have a night out alone and when I was gone that night, they texted the entire time I was gone to eachother and I saw that they had a two hour phone conversation. (they rarely call one another) and never have called one another when I am in the room.

Yesterday, my boyfriend was in the bathroom for a half an hour saying he was doing number 2. Not to be gross or anything, but when he was done I went in there and realized he wasn't going to the bathroom. (he didn't flush, no smell). I suspected he was looking at pornography which does not bother me. I discovered otherwise that he was texting her that half hour he was in the bathroom. I don't know about what or why he would lie about going to the bathroom. Why would he go into the bathroom to text her? I was downstairs at the time.

I guess I am bothered by the fact that she refuses to acknowledge me as being his girlfriend. I don't expect to be her friend or for her to even like me, but she is constantly talking to him. I mean, what if we were married? Would this be acceptable? I have extended my welcome out in a mature manner to her. It just seems so sneaky to me that she takes every chance she has when I am not around to talk to my boyfriend - even the one time, suggesting those two hang out alone. I expressed my feelings to my boyfriend, but he is oblivious and sees nothing wrong and says "well, she would feel awkward around you, you have to understand". Even his mother sees nothing wrong with them talking to one another all the time. Maybe I am wrong or being overly jealous?

Thanks!

[JadenMia]

I would be so bothered by this!
His actions are SO suspicious, i wouldnt doubt that this was something happening between them in the making. Or maybe even already is happening..

Maybe i am in the wrong for saying this, but i wouldnt put up with anything like this. If you were talking to your ex boyfriend more than you did him, putting more effort into another relationship with a man rather than your own. Do you think he would be easy going about it? Probably not.

If it were me, i would make him talk to her and tell her that the way and the amount they are communicating is not okay with you. and you been able to see this conversatin so he cant bullsh*t about what was said.
Because, okay even if it is a little bit of jealousy, it still is obviously bothering you. And the fact he shrugs your requests and opinions off like he does is just plain disrespect. He should care about how you feel and be willing to compromise at least. Now he knows you have a problem with it, he is hiding it from you. Even more disrespect.
If i were in your shoes, i would try make a compromise. Say you want to meet her, hang out the three of you. Just so you can settle your own insecurities of her and be able to be cool with things. If he says no, because she likes him and it would be awkward.. Then say well you speaking to her like you are is inappropriate!! He is leading her on (not likely, he probably has feelings for her too), when in a committed relationship that is not okay in my eyes. And

If he refuses to do that, then i would give him an ultimatum. Her or me. Simple as that. If he chooses her or says he wont do that, then you know you are not worth it to him to give up his ex. That should be all the clarification you need to leave his ass.

[tyson88]

Thanks so much for your input. In the beginning when I wrote this post, I was more concerned about her feelings for my boyfriend. I was even tempted to email her a polite letter but It's just not my place. But after reading this, I see that perhaps he is disregarding my feelings. The conversation has been brought up many times before and he seems more concerned in protecting how she feels or would feel around me. On top of this, I know she is going through a hard time with family, relationships, etc. but I just don't like that my boyfriend is her shoulder to lean on. He expects me to feel sorry for her the way he talks about her problems, but as selfish as it sounds, why should I if she wont even acknowledge me? In addition, his mother always invites me out to dinner (we all live together) and come to find out, she goes out to dinner with her as well. I just feel like everyone is sneaking behind my back. His mother talking to her really isn't a bother to me, (and not my place to say anything) but I'm just tired of everyone shrugging my feelings off.

He knows this bothers me, and sadly, he uses it against me in arguments when he is angry, saying things like "you will be replaced by (her name)" to hurt me when he is upset. I know he is not out with her, but I am concerned about their "phone relationship" and like you said - with as much as they communicate with each other, who knows what could be in the making. To make matters worst, I am going out of town for a week starting tomorrow... Thanks for letting me vent!

[JadenMia]

No problem. I think this is such a huge red flag that he sticks up for her the way he does. And you are right. Why should you care whats happening with her? You dont even know her and she is wrecking your relationship.

He knows this bothers me, and sadly, he uses it against me in arguments when he is angry, saying things like "you will be replaced by (her name)" to hurt me when he is upset

The fact that he even dares say this to you? Well, i would have left the moment he said it. Thats disgusting of him to say and its clear that he doesnt really care about your feelings at all. Obviously leaving him isnt what yo want to be your first option. That understandable. I believe that it takes a lot of crap for a woman to leave her partner when they truly love them..Way more than it should. But this should be something you are thinking about..But definitely sit down and talk things out with him. Try your best to communicate with him and help understand his point of view and help him to yours too. Best of luck to ya!
Sorry you are being put through this

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You're not being put through anything. You're tolerating his behavior, so you deserve it in all honesty.

[nch713]

guys arent dumb. (not about sex and relationships). i'm sure he knows that what he is doing bothers you. have you confronted him about it? how did he react? it might be time to give him an ultimatum. you dont have to put up with that kind of behavior, at any point during a relationship. if he wants to act that way, there is no reason for him to be in a relationship with you.

[JadenMia]

You're not being put through anything. You're tolerating his behavior, so you deserve it in all honesty.

Yes she is allowing it.. Which to us seems silly, but when you are in that type of relationship its hard to see whats really going on. I wouldnt go as far as saying she deserves it. Nobody deserves to be put through that crap.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

She's voiced her concern, and he has disregarded it. She chooses to stay and allow his behavior, so she most certainly, does deserve it.

She doesn't act as if she deserves better, so she doesn't. Does that not make sense?

[JadenMia]

She's voiced her concern, and he has disregarded it. She chooses to stay and allow his behavior, so she most certainly, does deserve it.

She doesn't act as if she deserves better, so she doesn't. Does that not make sense?

I believe she has brought it on herself. Maybe even her fault that she is being treat like this, but i dont think she deserves it.

Most of all, it sounds like she maybe hasnt spoken to anybody other than her boyfriend about this. And obviously he is going to fill her head with sh*t. That she is silly for feeling that way, immature, jealous. She came here to validate her feelings.. That what she was feeling was not in fact stupid.. Maybe now she actually sees the truth about the situation she wont put up with it anymore. I sure hope she doesnt anyway.

But i just wouldnt go as far as saying she deserves it.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Point taken, and I guess I'm a bit harsh, but I do think you deserve what you "bring on yourself". But if she continues as is after this, she definitely deserves it.

It serves true to for good things, and I think it should for the bad as well. From the point she accepts the behavior on, she deserves it.

[JadenMia]

Yeah i see what you are getting at. Just a tad bit harsh lol

I hope she takes the advice she gets here and follows it. Because, Tyson88, you really need to get rid of this guy and find someone who respects you and your wishes.
Be glad you are going out of town, look at this as an awesome oppurtunity. Tell him you are done with his behaviour, that you will not accept it anymore. Leave town with a fresh start in mind, use the time away from everyday life to clear your head, really think about the situation and realise whats actually going on..
Remember, people will not respect you if you dont respect yourself. The sooner you realise and live by that, you will see great changes in your life regarding relationships etc.
You should keep me posted on how things go.. Good luck!

[tyson88]

Well my suspicions were right. Today I flew home to visit family. When I landed I called my boyfriend who quickly rushed me off the phone. He told me he had a work meeting and may not have phone access. Sure enough I looked at his call log and they have been calling eachother. I called to talk to him an hour later and he was acting weird. He said he was at a restaurant with his friend. I asked if I could say hi to his friend and he said his friend was in the bathroom. I flat out asked if he was with her. He got defensive and mad. I cried and hung up. Then, called back after I calmed down about ten times. He didn't pick up. Two hours later he begged me not to end the relationship and defended her saying she is going through a hard time and he is only one she can trust and that he knew I wouldn't agree to them hanging out alone. I am not going to sit here debating whether anything physical is going on. The damage has been done this time. I dunno where to go from here. He said he would completely stop talking to her to save this relationship. Why do I find myself hoping things will change. Tonight confirms all the suspicions I had and I haven't even been out of town for more than Ten hours.

[JadenMia]

Well my suspicions were right. Today I flew home to visit family. When I landed I called my boyfriend who quickly rushed me off the phone. He told me he had a work meeting and may not have phone access. Sure enough I looked at his call log and they have been calling eachother. I called to talk to him an hour later and he was acting weird. He said he was at a restaurant with his friend. I asked if I could say hi to his friend and he said his friend was in the bathroom. I flat out asked if he was with her. He got defensive and mad. I cried and hung up. Then, called back after I calmed down about ten times. He didn't pick up. Two hours later he begged me not to end the relationship and defended her saying she is going through a hard time and he is only one she can trust and that he knew I wouldn't agree to them hanging out alone. I am not going to sit here debating whether anything physical is going on. The damage has been done this time. I dunno where to go from here. He said he would completely stop talking to her to save this relationship. Why do I find myself hoping things will change. Tonight confirms all the suspicions I had and I haven't even been out of town for more than Ten hours.

Just end it. Dont wait around with this disrespectful prick. Even if they arent doing anything physical (bullsh*t) he still went behind your back. And look, he was just WAITING for you to leave town so he could see her. Ugh..

I do hope you choose the right decision. He might sound like he is sorry, like he doesnt want you to leave him. Nah, he is sorry he got caught out. Most people that get caught cheating act like this.. But really i think its the fear of being caught and shock that you might end it for good.

Again, so sorry you have to go through this with someone. DONT be his fool. Stand up for yourself.