Frustrating Love - Bound by a Promise.

[Blueeyes79]

Happy Mother's Day everyone!

I have a really tough scenario on my hands, we'll 'we' both do and I was hoping that someone might be able to share some experiences as I have to really read anywhere online a story inline with mine.

So here goes, I'm a 31 year old male, engaged at one point a some time ago but never married (never met the right one). Recently I met and fell crazy, madly in love with my landlord (I rent a condo). It was crazy how easy it was to just to converse about anything, we both love things that are intellectually engaging, giving back to the community and have almost identical beliefs and values. We think so much alike that we at one point both thought about and saying to each other "its like I'm talking to myself.." at the exact same time! Even the little things like those silly ken-ken or sudoku games we both love doing. We understand each other to a level that you'd expect would take a lifetime for two people to achieve. Values, interests, communication styles... intellectually and physically we're irresistible to each other. We're like two old souls.

But of course there's a problem. Five years ago she made a promise at an alter to a man who for the past three or four years of their marriage has made her miserable. Its not that he's a bad guy really but he showed her almost no interest in the things she likes, would brush her off when she was trying to be attractive and would be emotionally absent to her, not being the supportive partner during the times when for instance her father died (whom she adored with her heart and soul) and she needed it. It seems he's been miserable for some other reasons, and dragging her down with him, making her feel bad about herself and very dead inside. He even admitted to her that he had been pushing her away for the past three years, but that he thought that he'd never have to worry about her straying because of her beliefs - and she does have very strong beliefs. Those same beliefs that I want to have in woman are also making it very difficult to turn her back on that very promise I mentioned she made five years ago.

We bring out the absolute best in each other and I've been waiting such a long time to find her. She enhances and enriches my life in such a way that I can't picture her not in my future - and her feelings are mutual. Neither of us have ever felt this way until now. When we met she admitted that it seemed that she 'woke up' after the core part of her had been 'asleep' or dead for so long. The husband now in panic mode is doing the last minute effort thing of trying to patch things up, that plus the promise that she made sometime ago is wreaking havoc with her conscience all the while realizing how happy she is when she's not with him. The fact that she's felt and feeling something with someone else and not instead with her husband (whom she feels she should have those feelings for) is also tearing her a part inside. Considering both of us recognize that her husband has consistently not been the kind of man he should of been (though we both can agree that he does love her) and that everything he's doing lately is just fueled by fear and not because that's who he really is.

We both feel lost without each other. I care about her to the point that I couldn't just turn my back on her, not be there to comfort her and act like I don't care when I know I brighten up her life the way I do... I can't just leave her behind not only because of my feelings but also because I couldn't do that to any friend I valued and cared for. The unfortunate thing is if she stays with him there's no way I can be a part of her life because he knows about me and feels incredibly threatened by me - so much to the point that he blames me for the fact their marriage is rocky at the moment. He just doesn't really get it.

She feels such guilt and at the same time such awesome happiness when she's around me and is also finding the idea of breaking that promise several years ago heart wrenching itself. Some good friends of hers have made it blatantly clear that they noticed how miserable she's been for a long time and she's at a loss herself trying to figure out why she didn't realize she was so unhappy until now.

This situation is so frustrating. I know God never wants us to do anything, let alone suffer in vain and I'm beginning to look at the promise she's bound by as something she's going to be miserable enduring. I feel as though she's in a lose/lose situation - which ever decision she makes she ends up having to turn her back on something/someone that means a great deal to her. I know that my life would be so much more fulfilling with her in it and even if she wasn't with me she'd be happier single then she is with the man she's with now. By the way, they have no children.

Has anyone ever been in a situation like that or know someone who has? Can you give her any advice? Is it possible that she can still follow her beliefs, getting out of draining marriage and still feel that happiness guilt free?

All I know is that I want her to be happy and I wish I could make this easier for her.

Thanks all.

-James

[IndiReloaded]

Translation: you are having an affair with a married woman.

If you search the forum for this^, you will find a lot of advice.

[Blueeyes79]

Maybe so, and I have searched the forum, unfortunately the subject of 'affairs' is a bit broad and the scenario above has to do with more than just that, its about beliefs and every situation is, including this one, is unique.

[IndiReloaded]

every situation is, including this one, is unique.

Everyone who is having an affair claims their situation is different/unique. Its what allows the justification for the behaviour. What makes your situation different from all the others out there?

[HeartIsAching]

I had an almost identical experience. Met a wonderful woman that was a near-perfect match for me in every way. Fell in love with her literally the day I met her.* Same quirky sense of humor. Same sensibilities. Same clutzyness and goofiness. Hell, we had the same favorite color and favorite shoe (Converse All-Star). Same insanely high sex drive... and she was married with two kids. We DID have an affair off-and-on for a number of years. Like you, I wanted her to be happy, and tried hard to butt out. Eventually, she moved away. Many years later, she called me and told me she'd left him, nearly 20 years after I'd met her.

I'm married to her now. We have some heartache over lost time, but in the end it was worth the wait. The experience of being married to my best friend is incredible.

In short... if you love her, set her free. If you're lucky (like I was) someday she'll come back to you, free and unfettered. I hope she does.



* She wasn't sure she believed that I'd fallen in love with her the day I met her, until I described what she was wearing that day. She was astonished that I did. Turned out she still owned the same skirt, and wore it when she picked me up at the airport when I came out for a visit.

[Blueeyes79]

Everyone who is having an affair claims their situation is different/unique. Its what allows the justification for the behaviour. What makes your situation different from all the others out there?

What justification does one need to live in misery when all it does it drag both people down? Because people are dynamic so too are the scenarios they find themselves in. What justification does he have for neglecting his wife or taking her values for granted?

Life and people are not black and white. That's why some philosophies are ill suited for certain situations.

What justification does one need to want to feel good about themselves? To be happy? I'm not saying being true to ones word has no merit as that's a very important quality but certain tenets of philosophies are far to rigid and hold people to feeling horrible about themselves because it grounds them in a cycle of misery. Holding on to one's word just for the sake of doing so when clearly all its doing is perpetuating a cycle of negativity creates an issue. Whether she's just 'sticking it out' or happy with someone on the side its still an dealing with the same issue... when your hearts not in it, whether you're cheating or not, you're still deceiving the other person into believing everything is fine, not to mention not being honest with one's self. That 'promise' then becomes corrosive to those it involves. And then because its drilled into some peoples heads that going back on that word even though clearly its the right thing to do leaves them feeling shitty no matter what situation they're in...
1. Stay in a miserable marriage because you promised - still miserable for obvious reasons.
2. Find happiness in someone else on the side - miserable because cheaters are horrible people
3. Divorce - miserable because you broke your vows and gave up

Really? No one sees the f***ed up part of the scenario above? Really??
I'm sorry but that's not fair at all. No one should be held to a promise or expected to stay in love with someone who doesn't support or respect them. Its not fair that no matter what choice she picks she has to be miserable.

For that reason there has to be some slack. Would a realist please step up and please acknowledge that she's not a horrible person and that -maybe- she is -actually a good person- conflicted while just trying to rediscover herself and the happiness she hadn't had for so long?

[MaidenMinx]

Please be aware that the following is said without judgement on either of you.

I agree with Heart is aching. You need to back off and let her have time to figure it out. He met her first and if she was silly enough to believe she was in love with him, then she needs to figure it out. If she is as good a person as you say she is, you hanging around is going to tear her in two, and neither of you want that. Starting of a relationship with guilt isn't going to be great for either of you. Let her go. You have shown her what it really is to be happy, she's never going to forget you for that. If she decides, without you in the picture, that her husband isn't right for her, you'll find each other again.

Also, I would like to state here that saying all she's bound by is a promise, that promise is not a frivolous one. You come across like you are belittling the institution of marriage. Probably not your intent, though that is how it comes across.

[Blueeyes79]

I don't know what to say. I'm really surprised at the lack of compassion.

How can you expect me to turn my back on someone that I consider to be a friend in need and also someone I adore? Could you honestly sit there and think I would be doing the right thing by forcibly removing myself from her life even for the moment when she tells me how I'm pretty much what's keeping her mind level and happy right now?

[IndiReloaded]

What justification does one need to live in misery when all it does it drag both people down? Because people are dynamic so too are the scenarios they find themselves in. What justification does he have for neglecting his wife or taking her values for granted?

What I see as fukced up is that they made a commitment to each other. You are interfering with that. Remember: she'll do to you what she's doing to him.

This story is as old as the hills. So is your justification for your actions, which at their core involve: lying and a disrespect for the vows she took, her spouse (who you say is 'not a bad guy') and for yourselves. I suppose its the stance one has to take in order to look at oneself in the mirror. I'm not rabid about people ending marriages, esp when there are NO children, but how they end it tells you pretty much everything you need to know about the integrity (or lack of) of that person.

Good luck.

[MaidenMinx]

Seriously????? You are playing around with a married woman!?!? For a lot of people that is going to make them not want to offer you any advice. If you want to see lack of compassion, ask me my opinion of what you are doing. That's when you will see lack of compassion.

You love her and want to see her happy. I get that. I really do. SHE IS ALREADY ATTACHED! You and her can not be truly happy together until she lets go of what she has with her past. She can't look to the future while she is bound to the past. She promised her life to another man.

And personally, my life is all about the pursuit of happiness, but never at the expense of someone else. Put yourself in her husbands shoes for a minute. Regardless of what he does or doesn't do he is a human being and deserves to be treated like one.

Whether or not she leaves him is not your decision to make. You have already made it clear that her husband knows about you. Back the hell off and let them sort out what they need to sort out. If she wants to pursue happiness with you, she will leave him for you IF you give her the space to do so.

Jesus, honestly, what were you hoping to hear? I am surprised you're surprised to be honest!

[bluesummer]

She has the power to get out of her own marriage, if she really wants to. She's not. I know, I was a woman in a shitty marriage who told myself for years I couldn't leave but really I could, I either just wasn't sure I truly wanted to, or I didn't have the balls.

She doesn't need you to 'rescue' her. If you guys are really so connected she will leave her husband.....not sure why that's such a difficult concept. From what I can see, she's the one getting the best of both worlds: not having to get a divorce AND having you for an emotional crutch. If you can't see that, we can't help you.

[HeartIsAching]

I don't know what to say. I'm really surprised at the lack of compassion.

How can you expect me to turn my back on someone that I consider to be a friend in need and also someone I adore? Could you honestly sit there and think I would be doing the right thing by forcibly removing myself from her life even for the moment when she tells me how I'm pretty much what's keeping her mind level and happy right now?

Lack of compassion my ass. What you want is for us to validate your wishes and make it all right for you.

I've told you, I was IN YOUR SHOES. I walked that road, and It's my considered opinion, which you asked for, that the best thing for you to do is let her go. If it is meant to be, if she truly loves you and isn't happy in her marriage, she'll leave him and come to you free to be with you. You need to love her enough to give her the space to do what she needs to do. My wife did it - it took her 15 friggin' years, but she did. Patience is hard in your situation, THIS I KNOW. Love her enough to not crowd, not try to control her outcome. Love her enough to let her go.

[Blueeyes79]

I'm sorry if I offended...

I'm just hurting terribly because my happiness is being controlled by a selfish man who only understands anger and fear.

I was just told this morning that we can't see or talk to each other because she's really afraid of what he might do.

You can't control who you meet, when you meet them, or how you love them. If I could have controlled when I met her, for instance when she was single believe me I would've done it in a heart beat. But I can't! That's life, and it doesn't always give us the perfect timing we need...

Aching... I appreciate your story, it gives me some hope but at the same time I don't want to miss out on 15 to 20 years of memories and experiences with the woman that I love.


I am heart broken and a big part of my happiness is in the hands of a man who only knows hate and not love.

And you guys are right... I was hoping that one or all of you would've said she needs to back away from her marriage, to be that kind of support from the outside.

I know you guys meant well, I'm sorry if I came off harshly... i'm just hurting so much its unreal.

[pisces25]

I'm just hurting terribly because my happiness is being controlled by a selfish man who only understands anger and fear.
a big part of my happiness is in the hands of a man who only knows hate and not love
???
Your happiness is in your hands. No one elses. I think you need to do less of the woe is me and more of the inner soul-searching so you can learn how to be happy. Why should someone that isn't you control your happiness?

[Blueeyes79]

I say what I do about happiness because it just can't be at the level where it was without her. I'm the type of person that feels having someone truly wonderful to share life's experiences and hard work with makes those things so much more rewarding.

I don't care about material things. It takes little to make me happy. But the greatest joy I have in life is being able to share my life with, support and appreciate someone truly awesome.

I have been single, self imposed for quite a few years taking time to reflect on myself and doing some soul searching. I know who I am and what gives my life meaning.

When I met her I wasn't looking, I hadn't been looking for quite some time.

Fact of the matter is that as good as life can be, its better with her in it. If you can't understand what I just said than I don't know how else to say it.

Its absolutely agonizing not being able, not given the chance, to fight, to work towards, to make effort to have something/someone so wonderful in your life.