Why guys always stand me up or stop returning my messages?

[Elvirah]

Hi everyone,

I'm new here, signed up because I really need advice on this tricky business. Every time I meet a guy one of those two happens: either a) he asks me out but cancels at the last minute and stops answering my messages or b) we sleep together then he stops answering my messages. The second category usually comes back to me 6 months to a year later, apologizing for behaving in a way I certainly didn't deserve, but it is too late.
The big question is what's the matter? Why none of them ever told me face-to-face or even sent me a message saying "sorry, this isn't going to work, let's not meet up again"? Is it me or are all the men I've met so far disrespectful cowards?
I'm a nice girl, never had a nasty break-up or cheated on anyone, and it feels like they're taking advantage of me but I don't know how to stop it from happening. Some of my friend say I might be intimidating them because I'm a 23-year-old PhD student, I speak 3 languages fluently and I've lived on 3 continents by myself. Doesn't seem like a big deal to me, I know I wouldn't feel inferior if I met a guy who's more intelligent, independent, and brave than me, I'd rather welcome it!
So I'm asking you guys, would you mind dating such a girl? Or would you treat her like shit because it would make you feel like you have some sort of power over her?
I honestly want to meet someone and be happy in a relationship, so all sort of help is welcome.

Thanks!

[Nicholas_V]

'cause you pick the wrong sort of guys (for you)?

[vashti]

The reason they stop calling you after they have sex is because you slept with them before they developed any attachment to you.

About the guys who cancel plans at the last minute - yes, it probably has to do with the type of guy you are choosing in part, but I also think this happens to a lot of girls your age. Young men often have a very short attention span, and someone else may have caught their eye.

If you think guys are intimidated by your language ability and travel experience, then don't tell them about it until you know them better.

[Elvirah]

Thank you both!

Then why don't they tell me straight away they're not interested? This silence, this indifference, it hurts a lot more than blunt honesty...
That's the confusing part, I don't have a type, the guys are very different, and yet they treat me the same way. I have tried to make friends beforehand, but even those who know what I've been through behave exactly the same! And if I try to be mates after that, they still don't answer, as if I wasn't good enough to be just a friend! You're right vashti, I'll try to hide some things about myself, but now with Facebook everyone knows everything. Maybe I just don't "get" the whole dating game.

I'm really intrigued though: what happens in a guy's head when he gets a message from a girl he has spent some time with and doesn't reply? Does it mean I should give up or try harder to get through to him?

[CAM]

Sure, you sound interesting. I the other posts are great--yeah, don't put it all out there. I've done the doctorate thing...if you are a student at the moment, be realistic about relationships. When I was a student, the men and women paired off primarily out of necessity to drain the hormones out so that we could get back to studying. Hormones are a hindrance to good scholarship! So, relationships of convenience. Very few 23 year old graduate students are thinking serious about relationships. Have fun and be realistic about what is going on.

[Nicholas_V]

how do you meet these guys? I doubt they are from grad school - your description doesn't match. A fellow grad school student would be straight with you most likely from the beggining about what they want, because they will have to keep seeing you (and possibly share a study room with you) for the next 4 years or so (not to mention that you may find refereeing each other at some point).

So my guess is that these are guys you meet on dating sites? In which case, the answer may be in a simple supply and demand model.

[Elvirah]

Thank you that really makes me think...

CAM, I understand that, but what if I don't want simple physical release, where should I look? It turns out I haven't had a proper relationship in 5 years, because who's want to get serious with a girl who's only around for a few months anyway? That, or someone must be messing around with a voodoo doll....

Yes, Nicholas_V, they aren't guys from university but friends of friends, or randoms met at parties/activities, and alas! 2 from the jungle of Internet dating. What puzzles me is the silence, what does it mean? And why saying they will call instead of just "goodbye"?

[Nicholas_V]

Yes, Nicholas_V, they aren't guys from university but friends of friends, or randoms met at parties/activities, and alas! 2 from the jungle of Internet dating.

Well, it sounds strange/unusual for "friends of friends", I suppose they are just inconsiderate (happens a lot in this age group). For random people and internet dates, it is hardly surprising: they have nothing to lose, so either they're just looking to get laid, or they may be looking for more and, for whatever reason, they don't think they can have it from you so they don't get back in touch (there is no cost to them acting like this, as they will probably not have to see you again).

What puzzles me is the silence, what does it mean? And why saying they will call instead of just "goodbye"?

Because it is easier + see my earlier point on opportunity cost. We don't live in an ideal world unfortunately.

Change your search strategy and get to know someone better before you set your hopes up. Good relationships do not come easy most of the times.

[CAM]

Thank you that really makes me think...

CAM, I understand that, but what if I don't want simple physical release, where should I look? It turns out I haven't had a proper relationship in 5 years, because who's want to get serious with a girl who's only around for a few months anyway? That, or someone must be messing around with a voodoo doll....

Yes, Nicholas_V, they aren't guys from university but friends of friends, or randoms met at parties/activities, and alas! 2 from the jungle of Internet dating. What puzzles me is the silence, what does it mean? And why saying they will call instead of just "goodbye"?

In all seriousness (not at all tongue in cheek)...but I haven't had a normal relationship (Full Stop). I think it is just tied to being in academia. Most of my colleagues marry other PHD's because they are both "living on the run." Academia is brutal on relationships. The spouses or serious significant others have to put up with a lot of crap because our lives (yours and mine) are not 9 to 5 in any way. By Saturday, I'm a drooling idiot sitting at the breakfast table at home. By Sunday evening, I'm mentally re-adjusted...just in time for Monday morning. And this is actually pretty "kick back" these days. The previous 20 years have been working 20 hours a day. Had I been married or with a sig. other, it would not have been a "normal" relationship in any way.

Fortunately, my gf comes from a family of research faculty so she at least understands; whether it bothers her or not is not clear yet.

[Nicholas_V]

Academia is brutal on relationships. The spouses or serious significant others have to put up with a lot of crap because our lives (yours and mine) are not 9 to 5 in any way. By Saturday, I'm a drooling idiot sitting at the breakfast table at home. By Sunday evening, I'm mentally re-adjusted...just in time for Monday morning. And this is actually pretty "kick back" these days. The previous 20 years have been working 20 hours a day. Had I been married or with a sig. other, it would not have been a "normal" relationship in any way.

Fortunately, my gf comes from a family of research faculty so she at least understands; whether it bothers her or not is not clear yet.

Tell me about it... What is your discipline? I am an AP in applied econ (just started racing the clock in tenure track)

[sadie_genie]

Probably just bad luck.

[Elvirah]

Academia is brutal on relationships.

So not only do I have love insecurities, but also career insecurities now, damn!

Thanks sadie_genie, I thought about that too, but it's uncanny how it happens exactly the same way with guys of various cultural background, age (19 to 42), and profession. They just lose interest, ignore my offer of friendship, and reappear a year or so later. I give up trying to understand.

I think I'm going to follow all the advice above, and stop losing my time with guys who don't have the same expectations, because I'm silly if I believe I can make them change their mind. Sounds like a bad case of "he just not that into you" on a large scale.

[smackie9]

Guys like to take the lead so maybe turn your persona down a notch. Don't go off boasting about your PHD or how you speak 3 languages, etc. Focus on having them talk about themselves...guys like a women that takes an interest in them. Keep it light with casual conversation about tv shows, movies or music. Be a little submissive.....I know I know that's not the person that you are, I'm not either but you want to attract a man you have to play up that role a bit.

As for they guys that stop talking to you after sex....those are the kind that only want sex and with do and say anything to get sex. Keep your pants on and your legs closed until the guy show an actual commitment to you. Someone that wants to spend time with you, introduce you to his friends, invites you to family events, etc.

[Elvirah]

Be a little submissive.....I know I know that's not the person that you are, I'm not either but you want to attract a man you have to play up that role a bit.

Indeed... When he discovers it little by little is a guy likely to be more comfortable with it? I used to put it all out there so that we won't lose our time if he's got a problem with who I am. Of course it didn't work, and oh does he have a problem with that!

Keep your pants on and your legs closed until the guy show an actual commitment to you.

My mistake, I don't see sex as the conclusion of the seduction game, but just another domain in which to try our compatibilty, like a philosophical conversation or a hike together. In fact, sleeping with someone relieves the sexual tension between us and actually allows me to start having feelings... I know I have to change, but I ask what's the matter with me I get mixed replies: once I'm not needy enough, and another time I'm too present. Life isn't an American sitcom (SATC and the likes), it would be ridiculous to call because I've waited the "right" amount of time since his call instead of just because I feel like it... wouldn't it?
Oh I'm just too French when it comes to that, too spontaneous, but French guys don't interest me. I'm probably bringing it all upon myself then.

Thank you!

[Jolicoeur]

The big question is what's the matter? Why none of them ever told me face-to-face or even sent me a message saying "sorry, this isn't going to work, let's not meet up again"?

How many botched dates are we speaking here? How many of each? And how many times did you turn down a follow-up date for whatever reason?

The reason they stop calling you after they have sex is because you slept with them before they developed any attachment to you.

I agree with this. A (primitive) side of me wants to sleep with as many women as possible, but to develop a sound relationship I can't before at least a number of dates. I was a bit surprised to read in another thread that some people don't sleep together before dating many many months. But it makes sense to me.

I'm really intrigued though: what happens in a guy's head when he gets a message from a girl he has spent some time with and doesn't reply?

They're the kind of guys who 1. hunt around all the time and 2. lack the social manners to apologize. There are many of this type around, especially since the internet age. Breaking up is hard work and no fun. Hit and run is easier.

My mistake, I don't see sex as the conclusion of the seduction game, but just another domain in which to try our compatibilty, like a philosophical conversation or a hike together. In fact, sleeping with someone relieves the sexual tension between us and actually allows me to start having feelings...

You make a surprising good point, especially for a woman. But to be honest, for me (and I think for most males) the sexual tension is what keeps the dating game interesting.

Why can't you develop feelings until after sex?

Don't go off boasting about your PHD or how you speak 3 languages, etc.

I like smart girls. I actually avoid dating not too smart ones. I'm surprised about the language problem though. In Europe most people speak at least two languages (except of course the big states like France, Germany and the UK). I speak 4, but it rarely comes up in a conversation.

Maybe you talk a bit too much about yourself. I have that problem. (I'm actually considering starting a thread about that issue...) My point is that something else might be wrong; something you don't realise. I don't mean there's something wrong with you, but maybe a slight adjustment could help you improve your succes.