so my gut was right.. how do i handle this?

[DarkHelmet82]

Many of you may know me as I have tried to help everyone I could. As they say advice is easy to give when it doesnt involve you. Well now I need some advice please. I posted a topic in another thread about how my gut was telling me something was wrong. Well It turned out I was right.

Pretty much to keep it short, Ive been dating this girl for a month and a half (not long I know.) However, I instantly fell for her. She had just gotten out of a pretty serious relationship, but the guy she was with is a real loser, and she broke it off. They were engaged. Her and I met and started dating a few weeks after she broke up with him. (probably my first red flag.) She is also bipolar stage 2 (another red flag.) I overlooked her flaws and decided to go for it. Everything was great until a week or so ago when she started acting distant. Today she tells me that she does like me but she needs time to be single as she hasnt fully gotten over her previous relationship. Her ex had a kid whom she pretty much took care of by herself, and she misses the kid a lot. She said "I know a lot of people say this but i really do mean it when I say i want to be friends." I told her that is hard as I have feelings for her, and if I stay friends I am going to cling to the hope that we will get back together. She did not rule that out but said "I cant give you a timeframe as i dont know and it wouldnt be fair to either of us." I know a lot of people say "i want to be single" but that is just code for "I dont want to be in a relationship with YOU." I asked her if this was the case. She said it was not. After the initial call, i called her back and just said: "Dont be upset, I know you are. It is OK. Lets be friends, and take it from there. She said "OK"

Now, I know I should keep it cool, and I am going too, but is my hope to get back together a lost cause? I know she needs space, but I need to know how I should handle this. By the way, she is a VERY honest person, and I think she is being truthful.

I am NOT taking this personally as I didnt do anything wrong, but it doesnt mean this doesnt suck. Thanks for reading and for the help.

[seganomics]

My advice is if you want more than friendship to give yourself some time before hanging out with her again.

Even if you don't think you're doing anything out of the ordinary I think body language must speak 1000 times louder. With my friend he told me he just wanted to be friends. I never mentioned wanting more then... and never mentioned wanting more since... and he still broke off our friendship because he said he couldn't handle me wanting more.

If you do get back together it won't be because you were trying to be her friend when you wanted more. She'll know and she'll pull away further. Give her some time, go live your life, and in the end if it's meant to be she'll come back of her own volition.

[DarkHelmet82]

well she already knows how I feel. So I think thats sound advice. Thanks.

[Dune]

Sounds pretty tricky. But I bet she's going through quite a bit of emotional turmoil right now. Yes, she is very honest and she tells it like it is, so that's something good about her.

I would go with giving space to her too. Don't need me telling you that. You know you're gonna do that too.

Invest the time in yourself. And if it pleases her, probably your occasional support (eg. lending an ear to her etc.) may be a tad helpful as I take it, she's going through stuff and needs a shoulder sometimes. Don't get too emotionally invested though.

Based on the fact that she's honest, she'll probably tell you how she really feels about you after she's healed, and that's probably what you're waiting for. As you said, she already knows how you feel about her. Just sorta monitor her recovery.

Hope this was helpful to you. It's hard to give good advice to an advice giver LOL

[DarkHelmet82]

right but how do i do that and not contact her...

[Dune]

Don't go totally no contact. Just remind her that you're there for her etc. Never said you should go total no contact. Would only advise that if she's your ex.

[DarkHelmet82]

she is my ex lol

[Dune]

In comparison to her previous serious relationship, I would say your 1.5 months of dating isn't quite as invested so yea.. In addtion, you started dating her after a few weeks from her previous relationship, so I would say that you're likely to be in the rebound zone for her.

Just saying that your relationship with her is still kinda young and if you want it to work, you gotta hang in there. IMO, going total no contact makes you look like you don't give a shit, observing her current situation. That's just what I'm trying to say.

[DarkHelmet82]

yeah. good point.. I think hes been trying to contact her and throwing the kid in the middle, this is something she will have to deal with independent of me. But i think LC is the right move as well. thanks

[Cinnabella]

I think it's likely she doesn't know how she feels about you after the excitement of new relationship wears off, sounds like she doesn't have strong feelings toward you. I had been in similar position as her in the past where i didn't know what i felt to the guy, and it ended up i only felt as friends for them, twice.... I don't count them as relationship! Leave her alone for a while like 1/2 month or something nearly a month n ask her directly how she feels, till then you will have clear answer, as u say shes honest she will reply with her honesty :-).

[oneandonly]

I read more than a couple of times of your 'I am NOT taking this personally'. I know you got that from some good book which I am intending to read at some point.

But, every time I read it, I cannot stop thinking 'what's wrong with being personal? Everything is personal. Nothing wrong with it'. Though I get the feeling that the interpreation of it may be different on here.

From another thread of yours, you are 'in love' with her after 1.5 months! You can't explain cos it's 'something you feel, simple as that'.

To me, that's a huge step from getting out of a relationship not so long ago, going through emtional ups and downs and suffering from a health hazard as a result, to being able to be 'in love' with someone only after 1.5 months.

People are all different. I tend to fall for someone only after a considerable amount of time. But when I do, I fall really really hard. It's as much hard to get over and move on when it ends. The best way of coping for me is buring myself with work. Socialising, getting attention from other guys, talking to friends and family are not my thing. I am not a big fan of sharing my 'issues' with others. Perhaps that's why I find this website very helpful.

I think you need to be on your own for a while until you are totally happy and confident being yourself. IMO, you dived into this relationship way too soon.

She is not clearly ready. No matter how honest person she is (I am one of them), she wouldn't say 'I dont want to be in a relationship with YOU". Her action speaks louder. The fact of the matter is that her feelings for you are not strong enough. Isn't that all you need to know?

Not belittling your emotions and feelings but wouldn't you have it happen now just after 1.5 months than 1.5 years later?

Leave her alone. Don't contact her. Focus on being on your own for a while. It's a better place to be than with someone who is not totally into you.

[DarkHelmet82]

she may want to be with me but cant if her past is still haunting her... she has baggage and she needs to sort it out. You dont think a person can have strong feelings for someone but not be ready for a relationship? and i do fall fast and hard.. just how I operate... Im gonna give it some time.... and yes its better it happened now.. but am i wrong to think that she just needs time to sort things out?

[distilled]

I had to reply to this one because what you wrote is word for word what I'm going through now.

The girl I was dating for about a month recently broke up with her boyfriend of 4 years. Everything was great between us for a few weeks and then she pulled back. She said the exact same thing to me - "I need time to be single again", "I don't know when I'll be ready for a relationship", "I like you but (insert excuse here)", and of course the famous "I still want to be friends". So i told her that I couldn't be friends because I would always want more. Ended up cutting contact and haven't heard anything from her for over a month now.

I still think about her and I sometimes wonder if I did the right thing cutting her off completely. So yeah, I'm interested to see how your situation works out. Good luck.

[DarkHelmet82]

i will keep you updated. She made it adamant that she wanted to remain friends and hinted and the fact that she would like to date me when she was ready... but maybe im just clinging onto a hope that doesnt exist.

[Nicholas_V]

It can go either way. Maybe she is telling the truth that she needs some time. After all, jumping from one relationship straight into another is not something that everyone finds easy (including myself). I suppose for someone who suffers from a chronic psychological condition it must be even harder. Takes a bit of time to get your head straight, get strong again. Give her space, but at the same time get on with your life. Send the occassional email/phonecall to check on her (if that feels right to you). Not sure that meeting up in person is a good idea right now, probably not.

I know that this is not how it feels now, but bear in mind that you cannot get "TOO" (whatever that means) attached with someone in just a few weeks - it takes longer to form a deep bond. So, if you need to at the end, moving on won't be as hard.