Romantic intimacy has disappeared.

[fireangel]

Hey,

I'm a 21 year old female who's dating a 23 year old guy. We have been dating 8 months now. When we first started dating, and chose to take things further, sex was a few times a week, 1-2 times a night. We both consider this a longterm relationship.
A few months in, the sex began to dwindle, which was fine. From what I've heard it can be normal to slow down. However, now we are at the point where sex is only a special occasions thing (ie. Christmas, Valentine's, and my birthday). We have talked and I asked if he was not as into the relationship or myself or if he just didn't want to do it anymore. Really I just want an explanation.

So I asked, and I've heard everything from body issues, to too tired, to just "I dunno". I understand this, but it’s always a new problem, and nothing that can ever be solved. Even when he's been off work for several days or we've gone on a vacation he was still tired and to be fair, he has gained a small amount of weight from just before I met him to through our relationship. I’ve tried complimenting him as I still find him attractive, and have tried to get him out and about. However he’s laid back and refuses to do anything about his weight and seems to just not be able to stimulate himself to do something. I sometimes feel like he's hiding something from me when we talk about why the intimacy has stopped. I respect anything that’s going on with him, I just want to know why. I feel like there is more behind it.

There still are hugs and kisses every day and lots of cuddles. But sometimes I just feel like there's something more we don't have anymore. There is no fondling, no making out, and no real sexual intimacy. Sometimes our relationship feels like we’re 18 or very new to everything. While I know he’s had a few partners and relationships before.

I once, earlier in the relationship tried to spice things up by asking him what more I could do, and by getting lingerie. To my dismay, he said the lingerie was a silly idea, and that I do everything fine. He said that I give him everything he needs. I asked what his turn-ons were, and he says that he doesn't have any. Is this possible? I tried initiating sex or making out, and it is impossible. He doesn't even get excited from anything that I do, unless it's one of the few nights that he chooses.

So recently I've been researching the possibility of him being asexual; being that he is not sexually attracted to anything. From what I've read asexuals (aces), can still have sex, can still masturbate, although some find it in complete distaste and don't feel the desire to even kiss. I carefully brought this up to him, without trying to attack him, and he said he isn't, and that he loves me.

I still love him and I feel that he loves me, but I feel so confused and saddened since our relationship isn't everything it was, or could be. I don't want to pressure him, as I already feel like he only goes further on holidays just to keep me happy. I don't want him to make intimacy a job, I want him to want it. And if he doesn't, I just want him to be honest with me about it.

I apologize for this being so long. I just don't have any ideas left. My friends have not been any help, and communication with my boyfriend is just a constant roadblock. I feel like I'm a record constantly asking and saying the same things. I don't want to nag and I don't want to stress our relationship, yet I feel like it's slowing dying because I am not getting what I need/want (even if it's an explanation). Any advice?

[smackie9]

Well depression could be the explanation for this..the weight gain, the lack of enthusiasm, no desire for sex, tired all the time....all are classic signs of depression. Ask him if he was ever on anti-depressants before, or maybe he should look into seeing a doctor about his lack of libido. Seriously he should be with a constant boner at his age...something isn't right.

[fireangel]

I thought of that.. but he's never been on anti-depressants. More than the lack of enthusiasm, it's just how laid back he is almost to the point of laziness.

I've been trying to get him to go to a doctor, but again.. he doesn't want to.. he's too lazy to, it's hard to motivate someone who doesn't want to.

[Xena]

I've been having this problem with my boyfriend as well. I never heard of this "asexual" stuff. It's interesting.

I've tried talking with my boyfriend about the lack of sex (he doesnt even kiss me.... ) He comes up with all the excuses in the book, I'm tired, I'm too stress, I am sick,etc. He even said that one of reasons was that because I gained weight (oh we fought over that one).

When we do have sex, it's like a porno. He doesnt even kiss me, I have to force him. And you can forget about foreplay. The guys doesn't know what it is.

I too try to spice things up a bit but nothing works, instead I feel like I make a fool out of myself everytime I try to have sex with him because he turns me down.

Funny, he watches and masturbates to porn. i actually walked in on him one time when I came home early from work. Which my feeling never been more hurt than that moment. I rather him been with another woman than for him to prefer to jack off rather than having sex with me. Does that sound stupid?

(Whispers: It has crossed my mind that he may be gay)

I really dont have any advice for you since I am going through a similar situation. I just thought that I would share and to let you know that you're not alone.

[CAM]

Well, it is a known fact that testosterone levels have fallen by over 50 percent since 1968. Men aren't just what they used to be Who knows why exactly. Me? I'm 42. The 24 hour boner isn't happening anymore, and I think alot more. Even during sex. I'm thinking. I'm wondering...why is it that I'm not playing the same role that I used to. The role of old? Oh, that's when the girls were playing hard to get and the boys...well, we racking our brains on various ways of getting at the jewel cave. Not easy to get at, let me tell you. In today's dollars, we were spending at least $1,000 just to get to 3rd base and beyond that? Oh, gawd...nobody could dream of that possibility. Well, hardly anyone except for the guys who had steady girl friends (could count that number on one hand).

TODAY:

[CAM]

Well, today...it isn't really in our hands at all. The last three women I dated...the cumulative dollars spent to get laid? Well, something like $50. Time spent? Maybe four hours. The women picked me out to be four base contenders. I just happened to be the penis that got laid. So, it may not be asexuality at all or even gayness...might just be boredom with what is so readily available.

[CAM]

Again, more drinking, so excuse the typing.

[Popsicle]

My first guess is boredom, and I know that hurts. I'm sorry.
My second guess is depression.

[CAM]

Boredom and/or depression are distinct possibilities. At a certain point, people just realize they aren't in love and that the sex isn't worth it. He doesn't dislike you. He just doesn't have the feelings for you that would be nice to have. Meaningless sex is hard to get excited about. I should know....

[His Girlfriend]

Although I think that depression or even a hormone imbalance or something... I wonder if he just isn't that into sex? Not so much asexual but his libido just is not as high as many men or even you? For some the cuddling is enough

[salena]

I'm going through the exact situation right now with my boyfriend. I'm 20 and his 26 and he blames his drinking habits and weight gain on why we have sex once every 1-2 weeks. We used to have sex 3-4 times a day but it's dropped ever since his stopped drinking. He claims he's "deprived" of alcohol and that's why he doesn't wanna have sex. I've thought about leaving him if this continues b/c I can't be with someone who doesn't find me atractive enough to have sex with me, it's like I have to bribe him to.

Honestly you should just have a serious talk with him and let him know how it's making you feel and that it's making you feel self conscious.

[CAM]

[url=http://www.bing.com/videos/watch/video/the-righteous-brothers-youve-lost-that-loving-feeling/a49e5c1816b7990c190ba49e5c1816b7990c190b-820456128957?cpkey=34bed7148a2751048d1b34bed7148a2 751048d1b-635007664622%7Cloving%20feelin%7C%7C&q=loving%20fe elin]The Righteous Brothers - You've Lost that Loving Feeling - Bing Videos[/url]

[lostnconfused22]

I've been having this problem with my boyfriend as well. I never heard of this "asexual" stuff. It's interesting.

I've tried talking with my boyfriend about the lack of sex (he doesnt even kiss me.... ) He comes up with all the excuses in the book, I'm tired, I'm too stress, I am sick,etc. He even said that one of reasons was that because I gained weight (oh we fought over that one).

When we do have sex, it's like a porno. He doesnt even kiss me, I have to force him. And you can forget about foreplay. The guys doesn't know what it is.

I too try to spice things up a bit but nothing works, instead I feel like I make a fool out of myself everytime I try to have sex with him because he turns me down.

Funny, he watches and masturbates to porn. i actually walked in on him one time when I came home early from work. Which my feeling never been more hurt than that moment. I rather him been with another woman than for him to prefer to jack off rather than having sex with me. Does that sound stupid?

(Whispers: It has crossed my mind that he may be gay)

I really dont have any advice for you since I am going through a similar situation. I just thought that I would share and to let you know that you're not alone.

I am in that exact same position. I hate it. Everytime I try and talk to sex with him he doesnt say anything sais im obbsessed with sex and im making a big deal out of nothing when all he wants is too watch tv. There is minimal foreplay and I am the one who usually has to do all the work. Im over it. =( But then I feel bad because maybe Im being unfair on him. He sais hes stressed with university etc which I understand I am a full time uni student and workd more then he does. But that was his excuse a month ago and he will have another type of excuse in another month. I also found that he is into tranny porn! But the thing is on the weekend we went out and he told me he would do anything for me if i could pick up this blonde german for a threesome he was so keen. It didnt end up happening and we still havent had sex since. =( It makes me feel unattractive and like im a bad root or something.

[bulrush]

Low testosterone looks exactly like depression. Get his blood tested. It's a simple test, and the meds are generic. (Shots are generic, once every 3 weeks, but gel is not and is very expensive.)

I had low testosterone and boy did the meds really help me. However with my low T I was still hugging, kissing, and touching a lot. I just had no libido.

My dr. also told me that libido is fueled not just by testosterone, but by growth hormones. And exercising heavily for 30 minutes every day or so, raises those hormones, and libido.

Men whose mothers took DES while pregnant with them have a lot of problems with testosterone and testicular cancer. Women whose mothers took DES also have problems with female cancers. DES was synthetic estrogen used as an anti-miscarriage medicine in the 50's, 60's up to 1970, when it was banned.