5 Months after GF confessed to cheating

[Meach3505]

I'll try to keep it blunt, but my gf whom I've been living with for 4 years cheated on me last fall with a coworker. As hard as it has been I have been trying to tough it out. We have gone to counseling together, she has quit her job, and we have quit smoking marrijuanna. I feel that pot took over our lives and weakened our connection over the years and we ended up taking each other for granted.

Her reasoning for cheating is that she felt like just a hole to me, and wasnt sure if I would ever commit to her. She also said she had been ready for me to ask for her hand in marriage her for a few years now. I will say since we quit smoking we have had a deeper connection with each other. I'm also on axiety medication which helps with the constant thoughts of what happened. But every once in a while I still have an obsession with looking at this "Guys" FB and catch myself thinking what did he have that I don't? This leads to me to think alot of other things and question everything as a whole. I'm an avid gym rat/powerlifter and take care of my body very well. This whole cheating thing has kind of made my self confidence takea nose dive.

I keep hoping those thoughts and worrys will go away someday but I'm still dealing with them. There hasnt been a single day since this happened that I havent thought about the whole big mess. I love the girl but hate what happened, some weeks I feel I have gain alot of ground, and others I slip a little. If we ever fight I'm always the one that brings it up. At this point I'm not sure what to do anymore. Any input is greatly appreciated. Btw I am 23 and she is 25

[Mathias]

There is zero reason you should ever stay with someone who cheats on you. On top of that, she blamed it on you to replace her own guilt.

You're a coward if you stay in this. Plain and simple.

[anothermatt]

I'm with Mathias. Cheating is a straight-up betrayal of the lowest order. However you may have made her feel is her responsibility to take up with you and try to work through. If she wasn't willing to woman up and do that, then she needed to leave you before pursuing something else. "I needed to feel good about myself" is a total BS reason to hurt someone else the way she did you.

I will say, though, that it sounds like your main concerns over your self confidence are purely superficial. Women don't just cheat because they're more attracted to one guy than another. There's other stuff going on that make them do it, and maybe that's what you should be focusing on.

[Mathias]

I'm with Mathias. Cheating is a straight-up betrayal of the lowest order. However you may have made her feel is her responsibility to take up with you and try to work through. If she wasn't willing to woman up and do that, then she needed to leave you before pursuing something else. "I needed to feel good about myself" is a total BS reason to hurt someone else the way she did you.

I will say, though, that it sounds like your main concerns over your self confidence are purely superficial. Women don't just cheat because they're more attracted to one guy than another. There's other stuff going on that make them do it, and maybe that's what you should be focusing on.

And those reasons usually have very little to do with the person they're currently with. If you focus on it, you'll blame it on yourself, which is the last thing you should do.

[Meach3505]

Thanks, well I was honestly never worried in the slightest about her cheating in the past. She said she was just stupid and fell for this guys line of bs got confused etc. It wasnt something that just happened over night from what I'm told. I have a good friend who works at the same office, so I've pretty much heard all about it. Call me a coward if you must, but if it were any other girl I would tell her to hit the road in a heartbeat. Aside from the cheating I have always felt we have had a true deep connection. Its a situation where I feel if I leave I may regret it down the road. But then again maybe not. I wasnt exactly an angel over the years either, but I never actually had sex with another person. Idk wtf to think anymore.

[Mathias]

Thanks, well I was honestly never worried in the slightest about her cheating in the past. She said she was just stupid and fell for this guys line of bs got confused etc. It wasnt something that just happened over night from what I'm told. I have a good friend who works at the same office, so I've pretty much heard all about it. Call me a coward if you must, but if it were any other girl I would tell her to hit the road in a heartbeat. Aside from the cheating I have always felt we have had a true deep connection. Its a situation where I feel if I leave I may regret it down the road. But then again maybe not. I wasnt exactly an angel over the years either, but I never actually had sex with another person. Idk wtf to think anymore.

I'm calling you a coward because you are one. I'm not trying to be mean here.

You're afraid you'll never meet a girl like her again. You're afraid that you won't have an emotional attachment to someone again.

Yet, you know this girl is bad for you. Afraid=cowardice. Read through the threads from the veterans here - we've all been through this before. It sucks for a while, then you figure it out - there's no "one" person for everyone.

Move on.

[anothermatt]

She said she was just stupid and fell for this guys line of bs got confused etc.

No, not stupid. Stupid implies that she didn't know what she was doing, and can't be blamed for her actions. That's all passive language; she didn't do it, it's something that happened to her.

No, she did it, and she knew what she was doing to you when she did. It wasn't stupid, it was selfish, hurtful, and immature. Maybe you have a deep connection with her, but that just means you have a deep connection with someone who is selfish, hurtful, and immature. If she can't fess up to what she actually did to you, that's her problem, not yours.

[VincenzoG91]

Yeah, don't let her off the hook, she hasn't even taken responsibility for her actions yet. I would dump her and move on if I were you. You want to be okay with this and get the relationship back to normal, but you can't. And the reason you can't is because you realize that you still don't trust her, because she still isn't being honest with you. Without trust, there can't be love.

[VincenzoG91]

How does stupid and confused lead to infidelity anyway? Is it like one of those tricky Warners Brothers cartoon converstations?

Man: You want to have sex with me.
Woman: I don't want to have sex with you.
Man: You want to have sex with me.
Woman: I don't want to have sex with you.
Man: You don't want to have sex with me.
Woman: What? I do want to have sex with you.
Man: Hah! I tricked you.
Woman: Damn. I guess I must have sex with you now. I'm so stupid and confused.

Decent people have values that guide their actions. They can't be tricked into doing things that are completely against their values. At some point, she took off her clothes and spread her legs for this guy, and no amount of stupidity or confusion can explain that away. She did what she did because she wanted to do it.

[Meach3505]

She has said she felt I didnt care for her anymore and wouldnt ever commit. That and her and this guy had things in common etc.. well duh they work together so obviously there is going to be some topics of discussion. But she first cheated on me while drunk at an out of state convention for work. She proceeded to go back to him 3 more times in 2 months. But she says she liked him, and it was so new that she didnt know what it was. To top it off it was a month before our 4 year anniversary. Oct- Early Dec. The guy has 2 owis no license, lives with his parents...rides to and from work with his mother. All I can think is wow WTF!

[devonbrown]

Here is what you need to know about the other guy - it doesn't matter who is is. He was simply a tool. The cheating all lies with your gf. She wanted to cheat so she did. It would have been someone else if it weren't the guy from work. Her saying you wouldn't propose is her way of justifying her own behavior. She wanted to cheat so she did. I know I already said that, but I think it bears repeating.

Four years is a long time to just throw away, so I think it is good that you want to work through it. But there is a difference between forgiving and forgetting. You may forgive her, but you won't forget it. She has lost trust and that is going to make things VERY hard for the two of you going further.

Good luck.

[devonbrown]

I forgot to add: Once you forgive her, you will still remember what happened. Whether you can deal with that is what is going to make or break it for you.

[smackie9]

It was the attention that was lacking in your relationship is why she cheated. It has nothng to do with your looks, your personality or your sexual performance. Women NEED emotional attention. It was your disconnetion from her is what lured her to this co-worker. It's so easy to find a connection with a co-worker because of the daily contact, and sharing common things about their job........office romances are very common. So don't compare yourself to this guy. He wasn't a better choice to her, he took advatage of her loneliness by giving her special attention. She never left you for him so that should tell you this affair had no substance.

[VincenzoG91]

Smackie, that may be true about the lack of attention, but cheating is not the right way to handle it. She should have talked to the OP, not cheated on him.

[HeartIsAching]

There is zero reason you should ever stay with someone who cheats on you. On top of that, she blamed it on you to replace her own guilt.

You're a coward if you stay in this. Plain and simple.

DING DING DING!!!

She blamed it on you - this is abusive behavior. She blamed the victim of her abuse, namely you, and you accepted that blame. She got to have her fun and then laid it in your lap as being your fault. If you can't deal, it's gonna taint your relationship forever.