I thought I was taking it well. I'm not.

[anothermatt]

OK, so my girlfriend took off on me last week. I mean really took off. She left a note to tell me she wasn't coming back, but I have no idea where she went, and not one of her friends or family members has heard from her since. We weren't happy together, and on one hand, I'm relieved to be out of a bad relationship. On the other, we lived together for many years, and I've been worried sick about her well-being. I'm reasonably confident that I won't hear from her again, so I know I need to just pick up the pieces and move on. I've tried to keep myself occupied and maintain my composure, but I haven't been sleeping enough to say. Today, I was so physically and emotionally exhausted, I had to call in sick to work. I think it made things much worse.

Without going into too much detail, she was probably chronically depressed. I think she used her relationship with me to escape her problems for the first few years, and continued to shut down emotionally after that. She had no job, no motivation of any sort, spent all of her time online, never wanted to go out, things like that. For a while, I tried to reason with her to get her to try and do something about her issues, then I resorted to begging her to. None of it worked, and then I started fighting with her about it continually. She just didn't want to put any real effort into maintaining our relationship, and things began to get quite acrimonious before she disappeared. I more or less stopped speaking to her, because I knew there was no way our relationship was going to get repaired unless she decided she wanted it to happen and reached out to me. She didn't, of course.

Mostly, she was just very neglectful. She couldn't be counted on for pretty much anything. I guess the best example would be once when I'd caught a terrible stomach flu, and she refused to go to the store to pick up some medicine for me. I was throwing up violently, and literally pleading with her to go out and get some Maalox or Motrin or something, but she basically said something to the effect of "I don't like driving. You'll be fine; just drink some water." She almost never initiated any physical display of affection. I could be sitting right there in the room crying, and without looking up from the TV, she'd ask "You gonna' make it over there?" Almost any interaction with me beyond a perfunctory "How was your day?" was treated like a chore, preceeded by a big sigh, and an eye roll. Every time I confronted her about how annoyed she acted towards me, she'd bring up something that I did months or years before that she'd never said anything about. When I asked her to be honest and tell me when she was upset instead of harboring grudges for years on end, she'd tell me "You know I don't like talking about stuff like that." I'd tell her we needed to do it anyway, because it was changing the way we treated each other, and doing real harm to our relationship, and she actually said "So?"

Of course, it's possible that I was just overly needy and burdensome on her, but I really don't think I was. I didn't expect a lot out of her except that she help out with the laundry and cleaning since she didn't work, or really do anything else with her life. I don't think I was too emotionally demanding. All I really wanted was for her to be up front with me, not be so non-communicative about everything. If she could see I was feeling miserable, to just give me a hug and talk to me about it, and not be so closed off that I couldn't do the same for her. When our sex life ground to a halt, I didn't ask that she try and regain the drive she'd lost, or even to understand why it was so hurtful and upsetting to me that we didn't have any intimacy anymore, but to just understand that I did feel that way, and give me some reassurance instead of just getting mad at me when she could tell I was depressed about it.

I tried to sit down and say more or less these same things for three years now, and I just keep getting told I "shouldn't feel that way." I shouldn't feel like I'm not in an equal partnership when she refuses to help with day-to-day responsibilities. I shouldn't feel unloved if she turns away when I try to hug her at bedtime (not just once in a while, but literally every night). I shouldn't feel unwanted and hurt when she rejects me sexually. I shouldn't feel unappreciated if she gets up and storms out of the room when I lie awake tossing and turning because I'm stressed out and anxious over trying to provide for us by myself. I shouldn't feel that way, I should just not care.

Well, now I still feel angry, hurt, humiliated, used, psychologically abused, rejected, unloved, unlovable, and afraid of being alone forever for the rest of my life. But of course, I can't really come to terms with any of those things because now I'm worried f***ing sick about what might have happened to her to boot. I'm a complete wreck, have no idea what to do with myself, and now I'm starting to really wish she would come back. I'm not sure why, because I wasn't really any less miserable when she was here, but now I feel like I've lost a part of myself.

Does any of this seem rational? I'm afraid I'm too screwed up to be able to tell anymore.

[Love&Life]

Even it was a bad relationship, even you are in a way relieved you're out of it, you are detoxing from it. She has been in your daily system and emotional system for a long time, you need to get used to do it without her. Every smoker, alcoholic think he needs a cig or a beer

The worrying part of what might have happened to her... it is her decision, there is really nothing you can do. It is out of your control. The only one you can take care of and guide, is yourself.
I think it is now time to put all the energy you put in her in the past and present, to put that attention to yourself. You need it. See friends, focus on something else. This is not the time to sit home and think it about. This will come naturally in time.

It is out of your control, man... she has been disconnected from you emotionally a long time a go and now she is disconnected from you physically.
Focus on YOU. You are not used to, I think, but you're in a painful, difficult phase, you need your own help.

[anothermatt]

Ha ha! Well, I guess I'm not too worried about her safety anymore, because I logged into my bank account tonight to find that she's stealing money from me now! She's charging my card with the bank information she stole off of my Xbox's hard drive which, of course, she also stole.

[DarkHelmet82]

call the police and file a report

[Love&Life]

Uff....action is needed!

[Nicholas_V]

call your bank, change your account details and report it. At least I hope this makes you see that there is nothing really to be sorry about getting away from her. Thank you luck instead!

Oh: and change your locks too!

[anothermatt]

Yeah, well, last night I found out that she hooked up with some guy she met online and left the state. To be honest, that's a relief in and of itself. I don't have to wonder if I'll ever hear from her again because I really don't want to. She was a selfish, dishonest loser, and it was stupid of me to subject myself to her abuse for so long.

She's somebody else's burden now. Good luck to that poor sucker. They deserve each other.

[Nicholas_V]

Glad you realise this. Good for you.

[sookie6]

there is no shorcut after any type of break up...time. Only time will heal your wounds and it's only over time that you will glue all the blurry pieces togethe and understand why it did not work out, why you better off without her and find the strength to move on.

I know you feel lonely, we've all been there...if you have friends and family it's time to reach out to them...

Don't worry there will be better and happier days.

[Mathias]

Yeah, well, last night I found out that she hooked up with some guy she met online and left the state. To be honest, that's a relief in and of itself. I don't have to wonder if I'll ever hear from her again because I really don't want to. She was a selfish, dishonest loser, and it was stupid of me to subject myself to her abuse for so long.

She's somebody else's burden now. Good luck to that poor sucker. They deserve each other.

That's actually the best thing that could've happened here. You don't have to wonder about your relationship, you're out of a bad one, and she's safe, so you don't have to worry.

Take this as a huge win.

[anothermatt]

It's a win except for the fact that I spent almost all of my 20s, the best years of my life, in a relationship I knew I didn't want to be in because I didn't think I could do, or deserved to do, any better.

I'm realizing now that, even being alone forever is better than what I had, and I at least deserve not to be taken advantage of financially and emotionally. Of course, I realize that looking at 30 with so much of my youth having been wasted on her.

[Mathias]

It's a win except for the fact that I spent almost all of my 20s, the best years of my life, in a relationship I knew I didn't want to be in because I didn't think I could do, or deserved to do, any better.

I'm realizing now that, even being alone forever is better than what I had, and I at least deserve not to be taken advantage of financially and emotionally. Of course, I realize that looking at 30 with so much of my youth having been wasted on her.

You lost me at "best years of your life".

You're wrong.

[Love&Life]

I understand this is your first reaction (waste of time) But obviously you needed this experience to see yourself and your weaknesses, and to see things in perspective. Because not many of us would want to be together with a selfish parasite for years. This is an important 'lesson' for the rest of your life, but I hope you don't become bitter, just healthier in relationships.

I can imagin it hurts, haven taken care of someone for years and then she takes off with an other dude with your money. People ...

[MMLovestochat]

it all seem rational, your going through an emotionally roller-coaster now, I am ending a 16 year relationship, and we just found out he only has 4-8 weeks left to live, I have always been here for him, from being a great partner to him, helping him with fiances when he was unempoyed several different times, and now taking him to doctors, treatments, showers, meals, medications, and his 26 year old daughter shows up, who only used him for money, and he has shut me and his family out, and he will not die a content man, and that saddens me, but I know I did all I could for him, and I am at peace with myself, you have to do the same and be at peace with yourself, you will find another love, and this time your eyes will be open, with no blinders, and you will be happy again. so do not feel angry, humilated, embarrsed, rejected, I know I feel the same, but I prayed alot the last few days, and I am happy again with myself, as I know I always did the best for him, I have only one regret, I wish I would of opened my eyes sooner, instead of being lead around by my heart, but I can't change the past, I could only look forward to my future alone, and eventually finding someone is my true lover and friend. Hang your head high, and look forward everything will be fine. Time heals all wounds.