Why do women bring up trivial things during fights?

[TKCerbs]

I posted earlier about something else on another forum, but illuded to a silly fight, and this is part of it.

We were talking it out a couple of days after the fight, clearing the air, the origin of the fight is covered in the other post, but some things she brought up at the end really upset me, and I want to try to figure out what is going on from a female perspective. We've been dating 3 months.

I asked her what else was bothering her, and here are some things she brought up:

- I sometimes leave the toilet seat up at her place, and she told me once at the beginning that it kind of bothered her, but I'm a guy and I forget, and its been pissing her off since we started dating. She hasn't once brought it up again, and just let it bother her more and more. She went as far as to say that her other guy friends do it, so why don't I?
- I sometimes rest my feet on her coffee table, again, she told me once that she hates it when her other guy friends do it (I guess I was to assume that was me too), and I have been resting me feet on there every time I go over, she told me that whenever I do it she just stares at them and can't focus on anything else
- a couple of times I put a drink on her side table without a coaster.
- ONCE over 2 months ago she put her dogs bed on the table, I can't remember why, but I rested my feet on it, and she brought it up NOW, over 2 months later. It happened ONCE. She felt I was disrespecting both her and her dog when I did that.

She said all these things make her feel disrespected, and show that I have no respect for her things, but she doesn't ask me to stop or ever bring it up. Now that I know how much it bothers her, of course I'll stop (and I'll try my damned best to make sure I put the seat down, but guys forget that!)

I asked her why doesn't she just tell me to stop when I do it, and she said she is scared to bring it up? I can't figure out for the life of me why, I always treat her well, we've never had a real fight, never yelled at each other, and our relationship is usually fairly smooth. . .so why be scared?

[Spring Haze]

Because she has been harboring these feelings for so long due to her unwillingness (or being "scared") to bring the issue up as it happens, right then and there. She needs a lesson in communication.

[MaidenMinx]

The toilet seat will be the eternal argument between men and women. I'd not mind my man leaving the seat up. Instead he pees with it down. That was his solution to the seat argument. Now I have to put up with the occasional wet seat. :p

It sounds to me like this woman is a little on the anal side. Fine if you can handle that but it would drive me nuts!

Why she wouldn't bring it up? If she is particularly anal, she has probably pushed potential partners away in the past by nagging too much. Of course you'll try to do things her way since she feels so strongly about it, though she is likely to have to remind you. Most guys take regular reminders as nagging. If you can handle the possibility of nagging, give her permission to remind you as often as necessary.

On the other side of the coin, I'd be annoyed that you can't just relax and be comfortable when in her home. That doesn't bode well for future possible future living together arrangements.

[IndigoGal]

I'm guessing since it's early in the relationship and you haven't had any fights until now, she didn't know how to address these things with you. I'd talk to her and ask her to just bring it up on the spot, preferably in an amicable or joking way "Hey buddy, I nearly fell in the toilet. Can you keep the seat down?" or "My coffee table isn't your footstool" or something.

In all honestly though, some of the things do seem pretty anal and I wouldn't be able to hang out in a house that tightly run.

[Perez805]

Because she has been harboring these feelings for so long due to her unwillingness (or being "scared") to bring the issue up as it happens, right then and there. She needs a lesson in communication.

i agree. she just dosen't know how to bring something up the moment it bothers her so she waits till she's spilling out all her anger.

[Boisdevie]

I've been with my GF for 8 months and we don't have fights. If you are having 'fights' already that is not a good sign

[Cerby]

I've been with my GF for 8 months and we don't have fights. If you are having 'fights' already that is not a good sign

The OP comments doesn't sound like a fight, it sounds like a mis-communication. If you were sitting down and talking, its like you were just hashing out some differences and not actually fighting. If there was no yelling and you say yourself that you've never had a real fight, you might just be justifying anything that a conflict as a fight. Conflict is normal, but her bringing up some really silly things during your chat isn't really fair to you.

But if she is harboring anger over months, then its likely her inability to communicate that is leading to your conflicts. You need to get her to openly speak to you and these "silly fights" won't happen.

[girl68]

This is easy really. She doesn't bring it up because she's afraid you'll either get pissy back at her for holding these views, be viewed as the crazy chick who has "rules", or you'll simply leave her.

My guy does a similar thing, he lets things bother him but never mentions them to me and then eventually he explodes and lets it all out. I've told him that he *needs* to work on that communication and tell me when something bugs him. I made it clear that he needs to either speak up or forever drop it. He whined that I get all pissy and down when he tells me I've done something bad or wrong, and I don't disagree completely. Who likes to be told to do or not do something? I sure don't... but I also said that perhaps I can work on making my reactions less pissy and more accepting. So we came to an agreement. He needs to speak up and I need to listen and take in. Tell your girl this... make her feel welcome in talking to you about something when it comes up and not leave it until several months down the road and lay a bomb on you about what you've been doing has pissed her off for months now...

It's basically an internal battle if you say something you're "crazy" if you don't it drives you crazy...

[Klim]

Just saying: this isn't something ALL women do.

Anyway, I guess that means she was kind of irritated about some small matter, but she didn't want to bring it up at the tine it happened. When you two get into a "fight", she brings it up because it's a good time to voice your concerns or problems.

A few ways to avoid future fights would be the following:
- take your time doing things. Make sure you put that seat down or make sure you wouldn't possibly get on someone's bad side.

-Communicate. Ask her to talk about the things she has a problem with.

-Try to find explanations for things. Women hate the "I didn't know" and "I wasn't paying attention" ones.

Another thing, these aren't really fights. A fight would be something that would possibly endanger a relationship. If one of these things endangers your relationship, it must not have been too strong in the first place.