How Do I get over my Fiance's Past/lies

[reconchick]

There's a lot going on here. Just a heads up.

I met my fiance when I was 21 and he was 32. We've been together since August of 2008 and I really felt he saved me in a lot of ways. I was in an abusive relationship for many years before him, and he gave me the strength to get out of that relationship and move on.

I didn't feel very comfortable at first in our relationship, because he would constantly talk about other girls he dated, and it was obvious he had had his fair share of girlfriends. He would sometimes go into graphic detail (entirely unprovoked) about past sexual experiences, and it really hurt me. But, I loved him so much, and I was still in the mindset that it was okay to feel bad about myself in order to be with someone. He would meet up with girls he had dated/slept with before me, and I was always made to be uncomfortable by this, especially when I'd find out about it well after the fact.

We dated for around a year, and then I moved across the country, and he stayed put. I was worried he was going to be meeting up with exs while I was out of town (I found out later he did, but he tells me it was all entirely innocent). I found out while we were apart that he had given me two STD's. It was a hard strain on our relationship, as I felt like he was cheating on me, though he swore that he wasn't. It turned out that the HPV he gave me had started to form precancerous cells in my cervix, and that made me feel stupid and dirty for trusting him and being intimate with him. We worked through these issues and three months later, he moved to be with me. We were only living together for about a month when I found out I was pregnant. This obviously came as a huge shock to us, and I wasn't sure what I wanted to do, but he told me if I wanted us to stay together, then I had to have the baby. I loved him so much, I agreed to have his baby. I wanted to get married since we were keeping the baby, but he refused.

Shortly after we found out about the pregnancy, maybe five days later, he had to fly home because his mother was ill, and this left me in a very bad situation. I had to stop anxiety medication I was on for 8 years cold turkey, and I was suffering from severe morning sickness, so I was a mess. We fought a lot while he was gone, but when he finally came home, things felt okay again. He had to leave another time a few months later, to take care of stuff back home and tell his friends/family about the baby in person. While he was gone, I was fired from my job for being pregnant.

I was an emotional wreck during the pregnancy, crying a great deal, feeling worthless and alone. He didn't always help the fact, because he always talked about the other girls he dated, how some of them were models, and that made me feel insecure since I was so big/unappealing as a pregnant woman. I found out during this time that when he would travel back home, he would meet with one of the girls he slept with for coffee, and when he told her I was pregnant, she started crying. I guess what upset me there is that fact that he couldn't have been honest with me about meeting with her, and that he waited something like five months to tell me about it.

He also left me to go to Vegas for a guys weekend when I was 6 1/2 months pregnant, even though I begged him not too. He mentioned that he was going to go dancing at clubs, and said that he wouldn’t be able to stop women from dancing with him, and that really upset me. I also just felt like he didn’t deserve any more breaks from my pregnancy. I couldn’t take a weekend away, why should he? While he was gone, I had an accident and needed to go to the hospital because I was bleeding, but I had no friends or family to drive me, and when I finally got there, the doctors couldn't find the baby's heartbeat initially, and I was all alone and afraid that we had lost the baby. Everything turned out okay, the baby is fine, but it hurt me a lot that even when I had a crisis, he couldn't come home.

After our baby was born, I suffered a great deal of postpartum depression, and he wasn't entirely helpful or understanding during this time. I began to resent him, because he was giving up nothing, and I had given up everything. He still had all his friends and his job, while the whole reason I moved across country in the first place was to further my career, and now I was going to be changing diapers and breastfeeding a baby instead. We eventually moved back home when the baby was a few months old, and he immediately fell back into his old lifestyles. He would go out drinking with his friends until late at night and not come home until 3:30 in the morning. I would tell him that I didn't want him doing these things repeatedly, but he would continue to do them. The only time he considered stopping was when I threatened to leave with the baby.

I had started to tell him that I didn't want to hear about other girls he dated anymore, because it made me feel like he didn't respect me, but he didn't listen. Everywhere we went, he mentioned how he took some girl here, or some weird story about some random sexual encounter. One night, he kept talking about this girl, the same girl who started crying when she found out I was pregnant and I lost my cool. I told him that I didn't want him talking to this girl again, along with other girls, because I felt threatened, and I also felt that he should make compromises for our relationship, since I gave up what I wanted to do with my life to bring his baby into this world. After a long fight, he agreed. But I would still find her sending our baby outfits or commenting on pictures on facebook, and it made me jealous.

He proposed to me in January, we set a date to get married. We fought a lot about these two specific girls, one I had mentioned before, and one who he had dated right before me. He told me I had nothing to worry about, that he wasn't really in contact with them. Last month, during a fight, I found out that he had lied to me about who he had slept with. That there were several girls he introduced me to while I was pregnant that he said were just friends, but turned out he actually slept with them. I didn't understand why he lied to me. He had told me that he hadn't been with anyone for a very long time before he met me, but it turned out he slept with someone just a month or so before we met, and he didn't use protection. Then I found out that throughout our entire relationship, he had met up with exs, for apparently innocent lunches or to grab coffee, but entirely lied to me about it. I was livid, and I wrote these two exs very nasty emails. Telling them to respect my family and stop meeting up with my fiance. One girl contacted me back, and basically said that she was sorry he was cheating on me, but it hadn't been with her.

He then told me that he had met up with one specific girl twice since we've been back home - one time since we've been engaged. I was furious. He dragged the lying out so long, only telling me little bits over the course of weeks, that I entirely lost my cool. I flipped out, believing he was probably cheating on me, and called the girl and screamed at her. Then I broke his phone. I feel like such an idiot. But I couldn't believe he could leave me with his daughter everyday and go and spend time with other women, women he used to sleep with, then lie to me about it. Why would he have to lie? Why couldn't he just be honest with me? These are the women who are responsible for giving me STD's. I feel so stupid and dirty. Why couldn't he just give up something?

I know I shouldn't have called the girl and screamed at her, but he wouldn't listen to me all the times I asked him not to do these things to me in a more calm way. I felt pushed to the edge. I don't know if he ever cheated on me, I am not sure if I'll ever know for certain. He tells me everyday that he hasn't. But I don't believe him. And I am so scared to marry him. I love him. I want our family to thrive. We are seeing a couples counselor, but I can't get over these feelings. I’ve started taking Welbutrin and Vyvanse to try and tame these emotions and get everything back on track, but I still feel so hurt and angry.

I want to know what to do. How to get over the fact that he has been with other women, 13 total. I want to know how to get over the fact that he has lied to me about meeting up with these girls. I want to know how to stop feeling so worthless and unimportant in my relationship. I never wanted to have a baby at 23, unmarried, and completely dependent on my partner. I don't understand how he could disrespect me like this, and make me regret ever trusting him. I've done so much for him.

Please, tell me how to stop feeling threatened by his past. How I can stop caring about the other women he's slept with. Tell me if I am even justified in feeling upset.

[DarkHelmet82]

lies= death in relationship talk.

lies are the AIDS of relationship and no trust is HIV.

[Nicholas_V]

From your writings, you both sound as if you have problems in which case you should both get some help. His problem sounds like a mixture of insecurity and narcissism. You say that he is not even having sex with all these females he is meeting, so its either that he is a very sociable person (in which case you may be misreading this) or he has a pathological need to assure himself he is still attractive. Or even he may just want to keep his options open.

Your problem is that, although this situation is making you obviously deeply unhappy (to the point of losing self control), you put up with it without really doing anything to change it - or draw a line and cut your losses. Obviously the guy doesn't understand "please stop doing this because it bothers me". Will take more than that. I would give him an ultimatum if I were you. Stop this or that's it. And be prepared to act on this ultimatum.

Based on what you say, I personally think that the guy cannot really help himself - he will just keep doing it, until his former gf get married or get a life with someone else married or not. Then what? Who will fill the gap? I think this guy will keep making you (and your children) miserable one way or another...

However, whatever you do, you need to make sure first that you're reading this situation the right way. Look at the facts calmly, double check (alwaying keeping in control of yourself) and make an informed decision - as if it was on behalf of somebody else. Or get a professional councellorto help you figure things out.

[Love&Life]

You are again in an abusive relationship. Very abusive. I don't understand how you can handle this...
To make things work for you as a family ( and as a woman I so understand how you would like that for your child ) you need 2 parties. And obviously he is not to be trusted. He risked your physical health by sleeping with other women and he is not capable of taking care of you emotionally...Not even now, when he has his own child, he can only think of what is good for him.

Maybe it is scary for you to do without him as a partner, you're quite young, but this is too much stress and insecurity. Love is not enough to marry... for a marriage/relationship you need to be motivated and you definetely need some skills to make things work. Devotion, dedication...

Maybe he will change, but I am not sure if it's going to be with you or in the near future.


Sorry, but this is what am thinking after reading you story.

[reconchick]

He didn't sleep with other women since we've been together. Just right before and without protection. At least that's what he tells me. I don't know. I'm not sure I can do this on my own.

[Love&Life]

You doubt...that says enough. Try to seek help.

[sammygee]

Hi reconchick. wow you poor thing. take a deep breath
First let me tell you why he lies to you. He wants to look like a better person in your eyes. He just doesn't want to hurt you with the truth of meeting up with his many many exes. he knows you don't like it, but he can't stop doing it. It doesn't mean he's cheating it just means He dosen't want the fight
Don't take what the nasty email girl said as gospell "I'm sorry he's cheating but it's not with me" that is her assumption and a reaction to being "yelled at" on email
Don't look for evidence dont email any of the girls who meet up with him again.
My advice in this situation is to try and build a friendship with the father of your child. I would not expect any loyalty from him or any emotional support. He seems to want different things. I would just give him his freedom and accept that is what he wants. You would do well to work on your self love and your future so you can eventually fall in love with someone who makes you feel amazing... that's what love is...
or may be even this guy can fall in love with you for real. There i sno point in tellin ghim over and over again that He has let you down and hurt you. he knows.
Is there any reason to salvage the relationship? Does he have any good points? can you list them here?
Here is a big fat HUUUUG for you babe cos you deserve it. xx