Staying for the kids... and loving someone even though you don't want to be with them

[Calm]

The title sums it up a lot really.

I love my husband, but not really in the sort of way I should. He is an amazing guy, an amazing father and the kindest, most generous and caring man you could ever meet. People who know us tell us that we're the perfect couple and that I found the perfect man - he likes shopping, isn't into football or sports, doesn't go down the pub a lot, he's family orientated, he's romantic and he isn't gay!

BUT I don't want to spend the rest of my life with him. It's not exciting, it's not interesting, we just exist happily as a family. I'm not unhappy at all, but I don't feel like I'm living.

I know he truly loves me and I really don't want to hurt him as I care for him a lot. If we split up I'd break his heart AND he'd see his kids less, and they mean the world to both of us. I never understood before why people stay together for the children but when you're as settled as us it seems like the logical thing to do.

Part of me thinks that once the children have grown up and moved out that then I can leave him and live my life, I'm only 23 so I've lots of life left to live. I figure that by that time I'll either have realised that the grass isn't going to be greener and that I should be bloody grateful for what I've got or I'll be happy to leave and it'll be that little bit easier.

I feel like a fraud though. As though I'm planning my future life without the man who calls me his soulmate. Maybe I'm just expecting too much and not realising how lucky I am?

Any words of any kind would be great. I don't know who else to talk to about this so I've only my own thoughts to consider.

Thanks in advance,

Calm x

[Cao Pi]

You don't realize just how lucky you are. Based on what you described, if you think you're going to find another man like him then you're SOL. You're just being selfish. Instead of wanting to break everything off for no good reason, why don't you try talking to him about doing more exciting things instead? Communication anyone?

[surfhb]

So are you going to be happy withe an alcoholic who hangs out at pubs and watches football every weekend and has no interests outside his own and is bored with romance and sex with you? Plenty of those guys out there for you.

[blinki]

well if it's because you're bored, then do something about it.

who knows? you might give up on the relationship and never find anybody like him again.

and the kids? well.... mummy and daddy don't live together because mummy was bored and wanted to have fun.

as soon as you have children, 'fun' isn't a right. it's a gift. your priorities shift. or should.

good one.

[Spring Haze]

How long have you been married, how many kids do you have, and when was the last born? You don't feel like you're "living." Can you honestly say your husband and/or status as a wife is responsible for that? Have you put forth any action to inject some excitement into your relationship, or is checking out, which requires no effort, a more preferable thing to do? If you have no desire to work on this, then the ship has sailed, and you have a very poor grasp on what it means to be in a committed relationship. Usually work is required to maintain one.

[pisces25]

Agree with SH. It isn't up to your husband or children to make your life exciting. You are only young why did you marry have have children with someone you don't love the way you are meant to? At one point you must of. Try and get some new hobbies or find interests outside of your marriage to keep your life exciting. Or even better involve your husband in these activities and work to get that excitement back. The excitement you are after does not last with ANYONE (think back to how you first felt about your husband) and by constantly desiring that you are not able to find happiness in the present moment. You say you are not unhappy but when you are in a place and would rather be somewhere else then that is cause of great suffering. Talk to him. You never know he could be feeling/thinking the same. Don't be afraid to communicate.

[blinki]

also, give me your husband's number. he sounds like a nice guy.

[asdfg789]

also, give me your husband's number. he sounds like a nice guy.

my vote for post of the day !!

[hello1]

At 23 you are young but you done this to yourself, you had more than one child and you got married. Before age of 23 and now you come here moaning to us? you made your bed so lie in it. Yes you had all time in world to wait for marriage and kids but you wanted it young and now you do not want it anymore/ well tough luck idiot.

[Calm]

Wow, some tough comments there. I guess I deserve them, my first thought was not to post again and to find somewhere more supportive to talk but maybe brute honesty is what I need. I know all my friends would tell me the same (though maybe in a more polite way).

Please don't think badly of me though. I am a normal person with normal problems and I am a good person, am just having some issues.

I fell pregnant accidentally, I in no way regret it, my kids are amazing and I am truly blessed to have them.

Going through the replies:

Hello1 - I'm not moaning and I did not intend for things to happen so young, but that's life.

asdfg789 and blinki - he is a wonderful man

pisces25 - we are working on things and will continue to do so. I may have been unclear in my first post, it's not exactly excitement that it is lacking, I can't explain it. Maybe there isn't anything lacking. We have talked lots, and we talked more after I posted last night. We've come up with some ways to help us and me.

Spring haze - We've been married just over 3 years. Our youngest is 18 months, our oldest is nearly 3. I am prepared to work on things I just wonder if I'm biding my time until I feel able to leave - or whether it is something save-able. My husband is aware of my feelings and is lovely about them.

Blinki - it's not about not having fun, I just wonder if there is more that I could/should be feeling.

surfhb - that's not what I meant. I just meant that he is the guy that people describe as their ideal - not that i want the opposite.

Cao pi - maybe I am selfish. In fact I'm pretty sure I am. We do talk a lot.


Thanks for taking the time to reply to me, it means a lot, even if I fear that you all dislike me already! I have suffered with PND after both children and this may link into my feelings as I am not over this yet.

Thanks again

[Bonfire]

Sounds like you were just not ready for the married life and were sorta force into it after the first unplanned pregnancy. It happens all too often nowadays. Another reason why we have such high divorce rates. People getting married when they are not well equip to deal with that kind of level of commitment and work to make it last. Family life is hard and not always fun and games. It's not entirely your fault, you are relatively young and still wonder what you might be missing out on. You see your friends at your age still out doing stuff while you are stuck at home raising kids. Yea, you were hit with family life too early while you still want to prolong your immaturity. But unfortunately sometimes we have to deal with what life gives us. We have to make the best of it and appreciate the stuff we have like a good husband and great kids. It's something most women desire in life and you have it. But because the grass is always greener on the other side, you feel there is something lacking. You don't feel that passion for your husband anymore. Yea the honeymoon phase is over, esp when you throw in kids into the mix. But that's married life. It sound like you have a great husband but perhaps you needed to lose it in order to appreciate it. I can't say what is the right course of action, it really base on how you truly feel and what you think life would be like if you head down that road. If staying with your husband will make you miserable then it would be best to end it, but if you are relatively happy with him but just wanted something better, well that's a huge gamble because you might not find anything better or you might be the type of person who is never satisfy. Only you know the answer and what to do for your happiness. I'm sure you'll still be a loving mother regardless of your decision.

[butiloveher]

I agree that you got yourself into alot more than your 23 year old self wants to handle. If you leave this guy, do you really think you're going to find somebody the same age or around your age who is ready to take on and handle more than just a girlfriend? All of your "fun" days, have mostly ended, not completely of course. Just because you're married with kids doesn't mean you cannot do this. You just do it in different ways and you find balance and include your kids aswell. Maybe the only problem you guys are having is just not knowing how to spice things up while you still have kids. Your kids are still extremely young so I understand that it would probably lead to some sort of distance between you and your husband because the kids are now priority. There's not that ohhh ahh love feeling, honestly, go for a walk with your man in the park, have a family picnic. People are so quick to just leave their S.O's over the most ridiculous things. There are so many positive romantic things you can do to reaffirm your love. It sounds to me like you got a good man, I think you should try to work on it before you make any hastey decisions, sweetie. If you're still not happy then ultimately the choice you're going to have to make is going to be incredibly difficult, and it should be, there are other lives involved in this situation now, you cannot always think of yourself, your responsibilities come first.

[Calm]

Thanks for the new replies.

Weird thing is that I've never been your typical teenager so I don't miss going out and socialising - because it isn't me, I've been to a club once in my life on someone's hen night, i don't get drunk, never have done, never smoked, nothing! If anything it is more that I gave up uni for my kids, not a decision I regret in that sense but I was always the 'clever' one and did well at school and college and so not to be using any of that is I think what bothers me a bit.

I am studying with the OU but am also thinking of going to uni when the kids are at school and Hubby supports this.

[Bonfire]

That's good. You should pursue something, life without a goal is boring. Also, you should look at your husband. I mean really look at him and remember why you fell for him. Then go out on dates like you did before, just the two of you. Don't forget to play fight.

[listen not hear]

I'm not going to be one of those people who say,"You're unhappy, just divorce him and find yourself!" or "What's wrong with you! You have everything...blah...blah...blah" first off, it doesn't change anything does it? Secondly, how you're feeling is completely normal! Everyone at some point feels this way and you're situation is NO different. The reason people these days get divorce is because, the bottom line, we give up. We have a mindset of "oh, if it's not working, drop it and get a new one" instead of,"'oh, something isn't right, lets fix this". People forget marriage is NOT easy, it's NOT happily ever after and it's NOT always exciting...most importantly its not always your spouses fault OR your spouses responsibility to save you. Maybe there is something within yourself that is throwing you off, I don't know. There can be multiple reasons you feel the way you do and unless you can find within yourself what those reasons are it's only going to happen again, regardless who you're with. I just said earlier it's not your spouses responsibility to save you but they do have a very important job in your relationship-to listen and to fight for you. Don't deny your husband the chance to fight for you by not letting him know how you feel. Now let me warn you, he's not going to like what you have to say and he may become defensive and lash out. Just let him know that you greatly care about him and you WANT to be in love with him because he IS a wonderful person. And there is obviously something within yourself you need to sort out to get there and you need him now more then ever to be a your husband to help find what it is. Tell him you're not planing on abandoning him and that's why you WANT to talk about it so you can fall in love with the wonderful man that he is because that's what he deserves. Then give him time to calm down before you start talking about solutions. Warning...make sure he's calm because HIS 'solution' may be to just go ahead with the divorce. Don't except that as an answer, just wait for things to smooth over before having a real discussion.

Now what are you looking for within yourself? Well, have you ever considered depression? Before you start dismissing the idea and say, "I'm feeling fine!" It's not always so obvious as feeling sad and crying all the time. Sometimes it's just feeling nothing at all or numb and distant from things you use to enjoy. Or maybe it's something as simple as you allowed YOURSELF to get boring. There is something I like to say, "The most exciting man can find enjoyment in the most boring situations". Maybe you just need to break out of the mold and do something exciting and daring! You're a young wife and mother. You hit all those big life milestones very early in life...which by the way everyone there is nothing wrong with that, but it does tend to make you feel like...hey, what's next? What do I have to look forward to now? I'll tell you what--a world of opportunities! And you can face those fears and adventures WITH a loving caring husband by your side and fall in love all over again, and again, and again. Don't be like everyone else. Obviously you're NOT lazy because you are putting an effort by finding a solution now. So don't do the lazy thing everyone tends to fall into by just throw out the old and buy a new one...fix it. You'll be happy and feel good about yourself that you did.