Am I a Commitment phobe???

[michaelmp]

So here's the deal...been with my girlfriend for 5 years. However, out of those 5 years, we've lived in the same town for only like 1 year due to school, internships, jobs in other places, etc. So it's a bit unconventional. We now live 1 hour away from each other and I'm about to move to the town where she is to begin my job now that I'm finishing my masters degree. My job is paying for me to live in corporate housing free for 2 months when I move down there. We'd discussed for a while about living together when I finished. I always intended on living with her and I still do. However, I thought ok...why rush it? Moving=stressful, new job=stressful, moving in with my girlfriend=stressful...all that at the same time would be pretty hard to handle I think. My thought was...why not have my 2 months free corporate housing, then at the end of it see where we were and decide if we were ready to move in together at that point. She now thinks I'm a "commitment phobe"

There are things i'm concerned about... She has been under stress for about 3 months due to a crazy fraud thing that happened to her thats a long story and during that time I've done everything under the sun to try ot be supportive of her, but she's become depressed and is taking it out on me. She rages at me and its just awful and mean when she's in one of those places in her mind. She comes down, apologizes but then she does it again... over and over this happens. Through it all...I'm there for her, taking it and trying to be supportive of her during this tough time.

Furthermore, she's not from here and everytime anything goes wrong in her life whether it's me, her job, or anything...she threatens to move back home to the Northeast as if that will solve all her problems. It's really really hard for me to commit to someone who has one foot here, and one in Massachusetts.

We cannot have a civil argument. I feel like our communication sucks and I think that if we can't find a way to civilly discuss our problems without her yelling, storming out, or disengaging totally then we have a lot of work to do. I'm not a yeller and she's from a family that yells and gets very angry. I prefer to calmly discuss things to try to find the root of the problem. She blows up on me. That is hard to commit to.


So am I a commitment phobe or do you feel like I have some legitimate concerns that should be addressed before we try to fix it all by moving in together? I don't want to be the only one here who thinks I'm trying to be slow, cautious and handle stuff the right way and in fact I'm a commitment phobe...so? Your thoughts?

[steviej]

I think you are entirely correct to take this slowly! It honestly sounds like if you and her can't resolve the communication issue and her immaturity (storming out, threatening to leave, taking her stress out on you) then moving in together will very quickly be the death of this relationship.

One thing i've found is that if you allow negative behaviours to continue, it will get worse. If she gets stressed and starts being nasty to you - do not put up with it. Nip it in the bud asap. You are not her emotional punch bag, do not allow it to happen. By being passive she is losing respect for you and it escalates with the things she says. She sounds emotionally immature in which case you have to firmly deal with it, you don't allow a child to have a hissy fit at you, this is the same.

[Saya]

I agree with steviej.
I don't think that you have a commitment issue.
If you don't atleast work out how to fix those communication issue with her before you two move in together, you probably will have the same problems again and again...so your just going around in circles and your relationship might not work because you probably will get sick of her attitude and things that she does when she get upset/angry or frustrating.
Moving in together is a big thing, it can be difficult so please take things slow even though your gf is pushing you or saying that you have a commitment issue...
Explain to her about her problems which needs to be fixed before you two move in together.