My identity crisis

[neter111]

I am new here and have never posted anything like this before. It's just that I've been runninig circles in my head and can no longer figure out what to do.

I am engaged to a very sweet and kind hearted man. He's completely devoted and wants NOTHING but a future with me. I love him very much but now I'm starting to wonder if that is enough. He definitely fits the bill when it comes to husband material, but as a partner...I just don't know.

Let me give you a short history of us.

Me, I am 1 of 4 daughters raised by a single mom. She's always been a fighter, never lets anyone tell her how to be and makes her own decisions that she sees best for herself and her kids. I've become very much like her. I'm stubborn, goal oriented, too ambitious for my own good, and always needing to be doing something (I HATE to be bored). We were a welfare family and my mother raised me to "go to school, get a good job" because it's something she never did. She also taught me to "never let a man come before me" and from a very young age, I've always been Miss Independent.

I moved 6hours away from my small home town in persuit of a career in Fashion. I moved to a large city that has so many fashion resources/jobs. I made the choice to move away from all of my family and friends and suffered much loneliness when I was here. The big city was surprising isolating and I simply wasn't enjoying it. School kept me busy enough that I didn't dwell on it too much, but the sadness still lurked. I almost quit after my first year, but my stubbornness kept me going onto my second and third years.

I hope I'm not boring you with details, it's just I need you to understand where I'm coming from...

My fiance, on the other hand, grew up in a very stable home with a stay at home mom and a dad who worked to provide. His parents are married and go to church regularly. visiting them is so contrasting to my family (such calm vs such chaos. I love the chaos tho, I feel at home in it). My fiance followed in his dad's footsteps and set out to be a Geologist. He didn't even have to move from his small home town.

My fiance and I met randomly at...a rave (of all places) here in the big city. We met through a mutual friend and were inseperable the entire night. We talked until the sun came up and then some! Unfortunately, he didn't live here. He was only visiting and lived 4 hours away from the big city

We didn't know where it would take us, but we decided to keep in contact. He's 6 years older than me and met me while I was in my 2nd year of college (he already had a diploma in Geology but was working towards a degree at a University).

So we did the long distance thing for a while. He would drive up to see me and I would bus down to see him.

Long story short, he ended up moving here to the big city (well, sort of). I was lucky enough to have been hired for a Fashion company right out of college. My fiance, well, he dropped out of University to work. He got a full time job in his field, but his work takes him to small, undeveloped areas.His work schedule allowed for him to travel back and forth every 10 days.

This worked out great for me! I was Miss Independent when he was away, but a loving girlfriend when he was home. There has never been any trust issues between us, I remain faithful and I know that he is to me (he doesn't have much dating experience, so he wouldn't even know how to talk to a girl even if he wanted to. But he doesn't want to cuz he tells me he loves me constantly).

But over time, I started seeing cracks in all my happiness. When he's home, he's pretty much housebound. He doesn't like going out. Not to the movies, not to a club, not even to go for a walk. I can't tell you how many times I've suggested going to an art gallery but that's yet to happen (and we've been together for 5 years now!).

He's simply not interested in anything that I like. When we first met, we used to go dancing all the time! Of course, we both enjoy lying on the couch and watching movies together (and we definitely enjoy the "herbs") but I've begun to get bored of it. I mean, when he's away I'm running errands around the city (picking up fabrics, reading a book at starbucks, going to the gym, going for bike rides, visiting friends). But when he's home, it's like my life STOPS.

I LOVE to curl up to him and I LOVE the conversations we have (he's so smart). But now that I am engaged I feel like I'm suffocating...

I'm realizing I may have commitment issues as neither my mother or father (who's always chosen to play head games with me and isn't in my life) have never had a lasting relationship.

I love my fiance so much and would never want to hurt him. Even though we're not married we already have a life together. He helps me with rent here in the city and he drives a car we bought together. We have a cat and a home.

I've had these feelings of doubt, where I think I need to break up with him. But then when he's home it's like "How could I even think that? he makes me so happy"

So I've been getting myself to the altar one foot at a time. I keep thinking if I "just do it" that's it, my mind is made up and there's no more room for doubt. But now I'm really beginning to worry about our future...

After being in the city for 6 years, I've come to LOVE it. There's so much to do, my hometown friends have moved closer and the opportunities are endless. But my fiance has told me he hates the city. He's refused to go out and enjoy it. When I CAN get him out of the house, he's a party pooper, he gets all sluggish and just wants to go home (this may be because of "the herbs"...)

We both want children and that's mostly what we've been talking about. BUT, in order to do that I would have to move up to where he's working to have the baby. That also means I have to give up my life here in the city. He keeps suggesting other jobs I could do in the town that he works in, but they're not careers, and it's not a career I BUSTED MY ASS for. I'm still new to the industry and I KNOW I can achieve something really great if I give myself more time...

He keeps saying that a marriage is a commitment to ones family. That we live and work together. and he's right. But I don't want to be JUST a mom. I want to be a mom my kids will be proud of. Someone who can provide for them. So that makes me want to stay in the city.

But I also want to give my kids something I never had: a dad. And my fiance has said (grudgingly) that he'd continue to travel back and forth if it means keeping me in his life. (That's such a sacrifice that I couldn't make in return). but that also means my kids only get a dad half the time, and he'll be missing out on half of everything (birthdays, sicknesses, accomplishments).

So, I truly don't know what to do. The dress is bought, the reception hall is booked and both families are waiting expectantly for invitations. I know he'd be an ideal husband, everything I could ask in terms of commitment. but lately I've been feeling like I need more..But there's no such thing as a perfect situation.

What if, I break up with him, find a guy who can keep up with me, takes me out or talks art with me, but he's a cheater? My father was one, and guys in the big city just aren't as committed as those small town boys (too many options, I think).

I can't imagine my life without my man. Even though he's completely opposite from me, he usually saves me from myself. He calms me down when I start worrying too much. He makes me smile when all I want to do is push him away and sulk. He makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. When I think about stopping the wedding, I feel a bit relieved but completely frightened of what I would be giving up.

So, right now, my frame of mind is "get married, have the baby, let him take care of me (because he's more than willing to be the bread winner-my BIGGEST complex) and maybe do fashion on the side as a sort of hobby or online thing. If it doesn't work out...we tried" UGH, HELP!!

[Bonfire]

Have you seen the movie "The Family Man"? If not, you should go watch it, I think it relates to the choices you are making. It's about a character who get to experience two different lives base on his choice between career in the big city or relationship (family) in a small suburb.

[pisces25]

Cliche and I tend to be a fan of always suggesting this but if I were you I would go and talk to a professional about this. It is not uncommon for people to feel this way prior to marriage in fact often couples go to counselling so they can nut out potential problems. But the reason I suggest it for you is so you can get a professional point of view on your feelings and let someone help you break down exactly what it is you are afraid of. I totally empathise with your situation as I have felt it before, the whole independence/career vs family - it is difficult and a very real problem for us 21st century women. Too many choices. So a counsellor could help you in particular if the feelings you are having are related to your childhood and how your parents were. Don't stay in the relationship if you think it is a case of not being able to find better or the next guy you meet may not be as ideal as your current partner. Find out really what is going on underneath you and not just on the surface and then you may be equipped to make a decision. Good luck.

[neter111]

^^
And that last line is SO true. I know what I do in life is, really, insignificant. But the relationships I keep and my own happiness is what's important.

And yes, it is quite the dilemma us 21st century girls are facing. I'm lucky enough that my man says he'd continue to travel if it means me staying in his life, but I feel TERRIBLE that he has to go through that...

I don't know. I think I will call of a professional and get their opinion (and help me figure out my fears). I probably have self-worth issues (always doing too much to impress).

Thanks guys, this means a lot

[pisces25]

Whatever you do, do NOT go ahead and get married with these doubts still lingering. Temporarily things may feel better but before too long the same issues will rise to the surface and you will be back to the same place and possibly a divorce statistic (apologies if that sounds harsh). Also have a look at how many 'buts' are in your original post. Nearly every point you make has a counter-point and 'but' is used to justify that. So at the moment to me anyway it seems you are 50/50 on this. Your views on how the family unit should look seem to conflict his too (probably a result of your different backgrounds) and these issues need to be rectified so you both know where you stand and what the expectations are. If he is keen on the idea of you staying home to be a mum/housewife but that is not the role you see yourself in that needs to be discussed. How realistic is the idea of you living in the city with a baby whilst he is so far away? Honestly speaking it seems deep down you kind of know what you want and what you should do but you just can't. I could be wrong but having been in a similar situation that is how I felt at the time.
I hope it all goes well for you.

[neter111]

^^
Yes I am 50/50. I am THE WORST at making/sticking to a decision...
How did your situation turn out?

[pisces25]

The first time I was in a similar situation (not so much the kids thing but I was at a crossroads whether I wanted my life to be with this particular guy) I decided to end things. My boyfriend moved back to our hometown and 4 years down the track we are really good mates. I am now with someone new and whilst I feel the same conflicts at times as I am at child-bearing age my current partner is very supportive of my ambitions in life, as I am of his, and we have decided we do want to raise a family so we'll make it work whatever happens. But for now I am not even thinking of the future, just enjoying what we have now and we'll see what happens. Life is constantly evolving and changing. I got tired of thinking about a future that didn't exist and overanalysing every thought and emotion and since I stopped I haven't felt more content. You did say in your original post you felt like you wanted more. Maybe find out where this feeling of dissatisfaction is coming from?