how to deal with a racist partner.

[Bo]

so....i just left pretty irritated from my bf's. This has been really bothering me since we started dating about a year and a half ago and usually i'm dismissive about these things because i don't think he knows how big of an idiot he is being. Nonetheless i'm still trying to love him for him, despite his flaws since nobody is perfect. Anyway my bf has this huge problem with using the n-word and making racist jokes, CONSTANTLY. And tonight he just really crossed the line and so i started getting pretty annoyed and we got into a small argument and i left. He doesn't see anything wrong with it, how do i deal with this, every time he spews his racist crap it makes my skin crawl! He thinks it's funny and he doesn't think he is racist because he has friends who aren't white, etc but it's REALLY NOT funny to me, i've made this clear SEVERAL times and he still does it all the time and it really puts me in a bad mood. Am i overreacting?

[sookie6]

no you're not regardless of wether he is a racis or not his language is offensive and not classy...what a girl wants is a guy she can introduce to her friends and family with pride and peace of mind...your partner is not it...

the fact he is not able to change to please you and to keep you is proof that you are somehow dating down...he might have many other qualities though but I would watch for issues of compatibility between the two of you...you seem like a sensible educated young woman...mismatch?

[Yet another guy]

What sort of jokes? Most racist jokes are offencive to racists rather than anyone else. Also, they are JOKES. Have some sense of humour and stop taking them seriously.

[qwertz]

I have people in my group of friends that make racist jokes, they find them funny but they are not actually racist, they have nothing against any race but they like being centre of attention and pulling off these jokes :s

[vashti]

I'm torn. On the one hand, racist jokes perpetuate negative stereotypes, which can obviously be hurtful. On the other hand, I agree that non-racist people (including black people) popularized this kind of humor.

I guess if your boyfriend knows this bothers you, but doesn't care enough to stop, you will have to decide if you want to keep him.

[Yet another guy]

Since he has refused to join your quest for political correctness despite your several attempts, it would seem that he is not a doormat. As I understand, women find that attractive.

[Lipp]

All in all, it depends on whether it's just lighthearted fun or laden with antagonism. Figure out which first.

[misombra]

hang out in black neighborhoods and see if he still talks like that.

[Bo]

What sort of jokes? Most racist jokes are offencive to racists rather than anyone else. Also, they are JOKES. Have some sense of humour and stop taking them seriously.

Example: Last night, this was why i started to get pissed. We were watching a documentary on netflix about the organ trading industry and this black woman was getting a kidney transplant or something. He starts talking about how he doesn't want to hear personal stories, etc and then says "looking at this fkn n***** getting a tranplant, hey look ppl this incompetent(don't remember exactly what word was used) N***** getting a transplant". Yeah, REALLY NOT funny. And yes i DO realize sometimes he is just trying to joke WHICH IS WHY i'm DISMISSIVE about it quite often but when he says things that just cross the line he doesn't get it. He started comparing it to when i talk about certain ppl who are really dumb that i encounter somewhere and saying it's the same thing. He attributes a lot of negative stereotypes to the fact that they are black or mexican or whatever race and it's really fkn annoying.

I have people in my group of friends that make racist jokes, they find them funny but they are not actually racist, they have nothing against any race but they like being centre of attention and pulling off these jokes :s

For me it's like an oxymoron, you can't say you're racist and then turn around and make racist jokes left and right. There's a difference between someone who makes a racist joke KNOWING how stupid/racist they sound and someone who makes a racist joke and doesn't think it's racist.

I'm torn. On the one hand, racist jokes perpetuate negative stereotypes, which can obviously be hurtful. On the other hand, I agree that non-racist people (including black people) popularized this kind of humor.

I guess if your boyfriend knows this bothers you, but doesn't care enough to stop, you will have to decide if you want to keep him.

Well the thing is HE doesn't think it's racist, or that he is. I want to change that. He is such a smart, intelligent, and fun person otherwise...And when he says these things it makes him look like such and ugly and ignorant person.

All in all, it depends on whether it's just lighthearted fun or laden with antagonism. Figure out which first.

It's a little of both definitely.

hang out in black neighborhoods and see if he still talks like that.

I know he wouldn't say these things in front of a black person or group of black people, even though he says he would. He thinks it grants him right to say these things because he does have friends of other races and he himself, is mixed but as far as you can tell he looks pretty white. He does have friends who are pretty dark that he hangs out with but i don't know of anyone he hangs out with that is black or mexican. It's just annoying to hear it all the time. I wish he would save it for his friends who like to laugh at it and not ruin my night when i've asked him to stop repeatedly.

[Bo]

Since he has refused to join your quest for political correctness despite your several attempts, it would seem that he is not a doormat. As I understand, women find that attractive.

If i found it attractive when he is a macho dick, i would have stayed in his bed and laughed at his comments.

[KingZ]

Call him a nigger.

[girl68]

He keeps doing it because you don't really do much but get pissy and leave. Big whoop-de-doo to him. You come back and that is that.

I get the whole sometimes it's funny shit, but there are some words not tolerable, and n-word for me is also one of them. It makes me cringe as well. No partner of mine will run around saying that and if it slipped once, maybe twice fine but my boundary and limitation is simple, that word is not to be used period. If it is used with blatant disregard I would straight up dump him. This is acceptable because you've made it clear the word is unacceptable, and have given him a few chances upon his slip ups but crossing the line time and time again is where I draw the line.

I don't think he's going to get a clue until you have a dead serious no frills talk. About what is not acceptable, and stand by it. If he does it again, you're leaving end of story.

[doppelgaenger]

Your BF sounds like an asswipe.

[DoesntMatter]

If i found it attractive when he is a macho dick, i would have stayed in his bed and laughed at his comments.

But you ARE staying with him. Ohhhh, not for that very exact moment though!

[doppelgaenger]

For your humor. True story!