girlfriend let me for abusive ex any comments to help me understand wil do

[brycey]

My girl friend left me to get back together with her abusive ex this guy has attacked her and threatend her family. He also is a drug dealer who has never worked a day in his life and lies so he can get more benefits.

He used to throw her out of her own house with no money keys or phone so she woud beg to get back in. Hes also got a drink problem , and also attacked guys just for talking to her he even tryed to slash a guy face because he done her a favour. She told me her self that all she wanted to do is help him because hes not had a great upbringing.

He also got her attacked outside her own house by 2 girs, she phoned me up crying and i went straight round and made sure she was ok. This girl said i was the best thng to happen to her and that if i hadnt come along she woulde have ended up back with him he would call her up and gvie her abuse and send threatining txts. After he got all of his stuff all the abuse stopped then about a month later his mother phoned asking if she was ok and that he had went of the rais and set his house on fire.

So she tryed to contact him to make sure he was ok she helped him out, at that very same time she started being distant she would tell me evreything that was going on but I coud see that i was loseing her 2 weeks later wee splitwith her saying she wasnt ready to get pinned down and that she didnt want to string me along 1 week after that she was back with him, ideally i would love to getback with this girl but just a long as shes happy it dosent matter. How do i help her when things turn bad Ive not pessterd her with phonecalls or txts or been abusive in any way ive also kept my distance any advice would be much appreciated

[MrsHis]

Sometimes girls are attracted to abusive guys because they went through abuse earlier in life. Sometimes girls make guys sound more abusive than they really are for attention. Some girls really think they will change. Some people feed off of the adrenaline of crazy situations like that - especially the drug dealer scenario. Some people have confidence issues and think they can't do better/deserve to be treated that way. Who knows why she's into this guy?

In my opinion, it sounds like he's her man and she's using you. You can't be the one to save her every time, if she keeps going back to him.

Is she financially dependent on this guy? Were you supporting her financially when she was away from him? If he hurts her and she wants to leave, does she have anywhere to go of her own? (I know you said he kicked her out of her own house - but if he could kick her out of there, she probably can't kick him out. probably doesn't have the power to) He deals drugs? Is she a user/addict?

If she is in real danger, I'd try to find out what kind of SAFE/domestic violence programs are in your area. They may have advice for you. At the least, you could get their info. for her. (don't text it/email it/etc. where he could find it.) Likely, no one on this forum is really qualified to give advice about a truly dangerous situation - I know I'm not. There are professionals out there, though, and their services are often free. The reason I asked if she is a user is this - she may be afraid of seeking help, because she's afraid of being caught with drugs, etc and getting into trouble.

Whatever the case and whatever you decide, try and spare yourself the "What did I do wrong?" heartache. It doesn't really sound like she gave you a chance to win her heart or maybe you did, but she is stuck in her patterns. Maybe when she works through whatever is going on with her heart/mind and she's prepared for a healthy relationship, you'll be the guy. I don't think, though, that you can persuade her to want a healthy relationship until she's ready.

If she is involved in drugs and you are one of her "straight" friends, your world is a really different place than hers. Although its probably a safer place, it may not be one she's prepared to integrate into at this point.

(P.S. I don't mean to assume that she's a drug user, but if she's dating a drug dealer, it seemed likely. I hope none of this sounded mean or hurtful.)

I hope that you find peace!

[brycey]

I have decided just to let her get on with it, she is a fool to think he has changed and that she can help him. I know how I felt and so dose she I also know that I was never abusive or bad to her in anyway so there for I know its not realy my fault she split. I wil get in contact again to see if shes doing ok but I wont be there to catch her when she falls .

As for the drug issue you brought up in youre last post yes she smokes cannibis, the both of us lost our jobs at the same time so shes been finding it hard to feed her habit and maintain payments on her house(she says she smoked it to help stop her panic attacks)so this could also be an isue as shes no income and he obviously doses. I also think she feared me cheating on her because of past boyfriends cheating one with her sister and another with her cousin. So I think she got insecurites in that aspect also im not trying to be vain here but I was nicer looking than this guy fitter for i am a competition athlete and also want to work and live a clean healthy life, alot of my old school friends are scum just like this guy there for i dont associate with them any more.

Shes a smart person and she knows the rest of her family were happy that she split with him she also knows that she was better of without him the guy,s made a half cocked effort to change and given her a sob story to make her feel sorry for him so if she wants to kid herself on so be it it is her life to make mistakes,
hey nobodys perfect and for this i stand accused as we all do, no point in pulling when its just going to enforce her belief shes made the right choice one day she will relise but by that point its proably to late.

I just wish she would worry about her on probems and well being than that of people who are just going to take advantage of her at every turn by pulling at her heart strings then hurt her for trying to help.

[VincenzoG91]

You can't really help her until she is ready to leave this guy. My ex is living with an abusive guy now, and she says she wants to leave him and get back together with me, but months have gone by without action on her part. The abuse isn't as bad as what you've described, her boyfriend is mostly verbally abusive and controlling, and only occasionally pushes her or grabs her by the arm or wrist. So it's easier for her to rationalize that it's a tolerable situation than the all-out abuse that your ex is enduring. We should both be realistic and acknowledge that some women have trouble leaving an abusive relationship, and nobody can change them. They need to want the change before it can happen. Take care of yourself and move on.

[brycey]

Thanks for the post my exgirl is trying to rationlize that if she dosent help this guy that the goodness she seen in him will disapear and he will end up worse than he is now.

But shes told me she dosent love him and that it is me she wanted to be with but she wants this guy to fix his life, but as i said before she can get on with it because im not picking up all the pieces when it blowsup in her face.

Im not here just to be used until he waltz back in with sad stories and false hope of change.

[VincenzoG91]

She can't change that guy until he wants to be changed. Likewise, you can't change her until she wants to change. And I can't change my ex until she wants to change. It sucks, but that's just the way people are. Real change has to come from within.