Is there any chance that my ex-by could change his mind about our breakup?

[gril0044]

I really don't deserve him back, but I'm also too unhappy not to try and correct the biggest mistake I've ever made so far.

I'm 21, he's 24, we dated since June 2010 until January 2011. In January I started to grow very distant from him because up until then we saw each other every day. I started to get crushes on other people. I wanted space and felt annoyed by him. I felt like because I had a car and more money than him that he couldn't take care of himself and that I couldn't respect him, but those were just excuses to myself... In the middle of January he asked if I might want to get a place together with him in May and I said "maybe.." He would start to tell me he loved me many times a day, many times an hour. And I would just say, "me too."

Finally I told him I wasn't sure if I wanted to be with him, though it made me so sad to say it. I told him I didn't feel like we had a lot in common. He said what we had in common was that we loved each other. He was sobbing nonstop. I can't explain how sad he was. We decided to take a week-long break as friends while he went away on tour to New York. When he came back, he told me he was thinking of living there and that he also thought we should stay friends. It was at that moment I knew I couldn't just have him as my friend. I begged and pleaded for him to please be with me again, but he got angry so I left.

I called most days after that for maybe two weeks, a lot of crying and reasoning. But you can't use logic or the brain to get someone to change their mind about love, especially when they've already convinced themselves that they will be hurt by you again and should move on.

We went to get coffee near the end of my "calling" stage, and I was fine while we were there but he was sad and distant, and couldn't look me in the eye mostly. He wasn't really there. The last call we had, he angrily told me he had moved on and when I asked if I might convince him in a few months to change his mind, he said that it could be possible but that he was a very stubborn person. And he's right, he is stubborn and prideful, very prideful. But he said he will always care for me.

Finally I stopped calling and a week later he messaged me something random about leaving some item at a coffee shop we both go to. He said he'd been meaning to call but had been sick. I asked him if he took medicine and he didn't respond.. A week later he messaged me and asked what I was up to that week. Stupidly I said I was pretty busy that week and didn't say anything about getting together in future. I thought he was calling for his stuff back and I couldn't handle that then. That was in February. A week later I texted telling him I was sorry for not getting back to him. Instead of asking what he was up, I said "is everything ok?" in an effort to come off as though it was odd that he was talking to me and that I had moved on and was puzzled that he was not 'ok' because he was contacting me. I put so much thought but he was probably hurt.. or maybe not. He never answered..

Throughout March he posted many depressing facebook statuses with lyrics about this or that.. Then a mutual friend of ours, Matthew, was hosting a poker game at his house and my ex told Matthew he wouldn't mind if I was there. So he doesn't hate me or not want to see me, but he has also not contacted me. If he was okay with everything and moved on don't you think he would be contacting, since he said he really just thought we'd be better friends? Yet he hasn't. Is it out of concern for me not being able to handle that yet? Or is it because he just doesn't give a shit and doesn't care to talk to me... that's the option that I fear is the case.

Anyway, tomorrow I have decided to go to a show he is playing because I thought maybe my text message turned him off. I won't contact him directly because I know it's better if your ex contacts you, because then he does want to see me, really. But I will go to a show that he is a part of and see what happens, how he acts. I think I'll be able to tell how he feels from that. But I am scared to know the answer, scared of what the effect will be of seeing him again. And yet I want him to have his most recent memory of me be a positive one where I am happy, not a crying sobbing phone call. Also I'm kind of using the last hope I have: that when I see him I know I'll instantly want to hug him and will be very attracted to him. I can only hope that will be the tug on his heart for him as well. If I can't convince him with reasoning, maybe I can convince him by the fact that he was once and probably still is attracted to me..

Is there anything more I can do?

[Lifetime]

If I were you, I'd stop making attempts to contact him, going to his shows, etc. I understand you care for him and want him back, but if he has told you he's moved on, I suggest trying to do the same. Waiting around for someone to take you back will kill you, at least it has me. This will also give him time to realize what he's lost, and give him space to do what he needs to do. Maybe he'll realize he wants you back, but remember not to count on this and do your best to not even think about it. It sucks, I know. I hope everything works out for you.

[gril0044]

thanks for your reply Lifetime, but don't you see I have been doing just that? I stopped making attempts to contact him, we haven't seen each other since the break up except once, I haven't spoke to him or contacted him since February. And when he said he moved on it was two weeks after the breakup where he said he loved me and wanted to live with me.. he said it angrily and emotionally, not passively.

It isn't really his show either, many bands will be playing. I'm going to see someone else play but I know he will be there playing too. I just need closure of knowing he has no feelings for me or it will torture me forever.

And what about his depressing fb statuses about being lonely? Okay, I just sound frantic and desperate, but that's what I am, I guess.

After i see him tomorrow, I will ask for my stuff back since we haven't exchanged things yet.. It has been about three months

[DarkHelmet82]

gril.. i tell everyone this and i sound like a broken record... pick up the book "The Four Agreements." It changed my life and it will help you.. if you dont like it ill buy it from you.. You can send me a PM too if you want and ill give you more details.

In terms of your problem.. You need to move on.. and STOP LIVING IN THE PAST!

[smackie9]

Well sometimes it's just time to let it go. Relationships will come and go...this one ends and so will the next and so on until you are ready to get married. Relationships cannot survive on love alone...your relationship just ran out of steam. All that is really happening to you two is withdrawal. The familiarity of the relationship is what you are craving and not him. You both need to go through an adjustment period, with no contact, staying out of each other's lives. If you keep hovering around, showing up at shows, etc, all you are doing is hurting yourself more. It's over....the quicker you accept that, the better off you will be.

[BeingAlpha]

gril.. i tell everyone this and i sound like a broken record... pick up the book "The Four Agreements." It changed my life and it will help you.. if you dont like it ill buy it from you.. You can send me a PM too if you want and ill give you more details.

In terms of your problem.. You need to move on.. and STOP LIVING IN THE PAST!

Agreed toltec wisdom is pretty cool stuff.. Mastery of Love is also a good book -- same author.

[steviej]

Sometimes you're just not ready to take the advice of others, you have to learn the hard way yourself. Look at your situation with him, do you really see any future in it? You're longing for him back but nothing will have changed, the same issues will still be there and you'll go through the whole thing again in a few weeks/months.
Look at it this way, every second you waste chasing something that isn't meant to be, you're losing time finding the person you are meant to be with.
Move on, enjoy yourself and see what new doors have opened.

[DarkHelmet82]

Yeah Mastery of Love was good but I really liked "The voice of knowlege" as well. I got all three as a set... best books ive read ever... they have changed my life.

[hello1]

He got over you in a week. He didn't really care, move on

[robFord]

You hurt this guy by letting your relationship slowly decay and die. You probably put him through a lot of pain and stress, now he's trying his best to move on and live a happy life without you. If you care about him, stop being selfish and give the man some space. He's doing his best to move on and constantly being around is hurting him more than helping. You decided he wasn't for you and now that you're sad you want him back. I bet he cares, I bet he cares a whole lot about you, but he's forcing himself to not think about you and completely shut you out because it's easier and healthier than thinking about you.

Leave him be.

[Mr.Sparkle]

I'm gonna say something no one has said to you! Meet up with him one last time, let him know, hey I just wanna chill, get him out and talk to him face to face. And let him know EXACTLY how u feel or u will regret it!

I just got dumped last week, I know how u feel.. Reading these posts help me a lot to recover from it

[Petit Papillon]

21? Move on and learn from any mistake you did . It was just few months anyway and maybe you two weren't meant for each other. That happens

And to Mr Sparkle
She doesn't have to meet him and she doesn't have to regret not meeting him. Everyone is different. I didn't meet my ex after breaking up with him and I'm doing just fine I honestly don't give a shit about him Plus maybe her ex doesn't want to meet, she can't force him.

[gril0044]

OK, so I did end up going to the show tonight. I walked in and was talking to someone and my friend that I was with told me that my ex was sitting right near me. He then went to the bathroom once he saw me (I assume)... I realized this because after that I decided to go to the bathroom and was surprised that he was walking out of it. We met halfway through the crowd and when he saw me he didn't look at me but above/past me (he was quite drunk) and said "Hey," and I said "Hey how are you?" And he touched my shoulder and mumbled "how's it going" as he walked past. And that was our interaction for the night. Don't know what to make of that. And he looked very happy while he was on stage, although he's a good actor and was drunk.

[63brown]

This is the best advise for you. As long as he knows you still wanted him before you stopped contacting him. otherwise he may not be contacting you bc he doesn't want to put himself out there, but do you really like him or did the fact that he said he was moving and that he showed he was moving on prompt you to have feelings, bc this is classic women 101, show less interest in her and abracadabra.

[gril0044]

I just found out he is starting to date one of his old friends. And I'm really happy for him. I miss having him in my life but I'm happy that he's found someone he can trust better than me. I wouldn't trust myself because I know I can be fickle. And she seems great for him. He's become a different person since we've broken up. Last week he told some mutual friends of ours that he's so over our relationship (I thought he was over it months ago) and that he knew I was coming to his show that night and he thought it would be odd to see me there. Which is weird, since when he did finally see me he just said 'hey' very indifferently and walked by. But anyway, he drinks every night and does drugs again. When he and I were together he was happy and never did drugs except pot. If he's completely happy with this new girl, I don't know why he has to drink and do drugs so much, since he never drank much when we were together, compared to me, and he wasn't interested in doing drugs again, like molly, he said he'd never want to do that again except maybe with me, yet he was on molly last week for one of his shows.. I just hope he's okay