Love him, but bored out of my mind!

[lifeinlomo]

Hello. Just looking for a little advice. Thanks in advance to whomever reads and responds!

My boyfriend and I have been together for two months, and I feel like we've hit a plateau. Mainly, I've grown weary of how much at-home time we spend. Sunday through Wednesday he has his son, and so by the time I get off work, we have to stay home (his house, but he constantly wants me there, so it's like "home" now) because his son is sleeping. Thursday through Saturday, my boyfriend works a double shift and doesn't get home until around 10:00pm (or later) leaving the local bar as our only place to go (and we do go every Thursday).

I'm bored out of my mind. I have fallen in love with him, but I've become very dissatisfied with our sedentary lives. Granted, the relationship started like this, so this isn't something new. We've only gone out for dinner once -- yes, once! -- in two months, and our only other out-of-the-house date, again, has been the local bar. On Sunday afternoons, he, his toddler son (whom I adore!) and I go to the park (which is a separate issue -- when it's just him and me, he's attentive and talkative, but when the three of us are together, we'll maybe exchange 4 sentences in hours together!).

My guy can be very thoughtful, has taken amazing care of me while I was ill, our sex life is great, etc. etc., but I'm just so bored with our routine. I try to stay active away from him by hanging out with girlfriends and participating in a regular hobby, but there is so much I want to do *with him*, and based on our schedules and his obligation as a father, I'm starting to realize that this is how it is going to be. The thing is...he seems perfectly content, whereas I'm obviously not.

Suggestions? Thoughts? I'm feeling selfish and needy, but honestly, I feel there is so much to life, and I want to experience as much as possible of it with the person I love. It seems terrible to think of breaking up with him, but this isn't the life I want with him.

Thanks.

[warriormaiden]

I can understand how you can feel that. I've felt the same in some of my relationships.

Just really take in to effect that his son comes first, and that when his son is there, those nights are going to be kinda slow and uneventful. But on those other nights, when it can be just you and him, try and suggest going out some place else! You could just go for a long impromptu drive. Suggest going out to a cafe, or to the movies. See if he wants to go bowling, or see a band play. Suggest new ideas on what you could do together, to spice things up! He sounds like a nice guy, I'm sure he wouldn't mind.

But if that doesn't work, and you still feel like stabbing yourself in the eye from the sheer boredom of it, seriously consider getting out of the relationship, because trust me, it's not going to get any better.

[smackie9]

Talk to him about this and come up with alternative ways to do things together.......but I have to say, this is the kind of life you get when you are dating someone with kids. You might want re-evaluate this relationship.....this one may not be the one for you.

[Boisdevie]

You are bored after two months?
It's not going to work then,

Oh, and he has a child that he looks after - would you prefer a man who didn't care about his child?

[devonbrown]

After only two months if you feel this way, that is a big red flag. Definitely talk to him about how you feel and see if he has any alternatives he can offer. The thing is though, you almost make it sound like an ultimatum between his child and you. And you will lose that battle. You say you feel selfish and needy, and that's okay if you do. You are just not at the same point in life as your bf. It may be best to learn from the situation and move on.

Good luck.

[lifeinlomo]

Thanks for the suggestions.

I would like to clarify that I am not at all asking him to choose between his son and me, nor am I upset that he cares for his son. I feel like a couple posters have gotten an inaccurate impression with that regard. I am *very* impressed by his devotion to his son. In fact, that's one of the characteristics about him that caught my eye in the beginning.

The issue really is two-fold: 1) that due to circumstances, our relationship is confined 6 days of the week to his apartment, and 2) that when the three of us spend the afternoon together, our interaction becomes very compartmentalized (i.e. when we're playing in the sandbox, it's his son and me interacting, or it's him and his son interacting, but it's never the three of us interacting together).

The first issue is the primary issue; I believe the second issue will likely resolve over time as the relationship develops.

My suggestion that I will present to him tonight is hiring a babysitter once every couple weeks or so to come after his son goes to sleep at 8:00pm (that way no quality time between them is affected) so that we can go to a movie or dinner or take a drive to the City or whatever. I've just been afraid to discuss this because I didn't want to offend him or make it seem like I want to take him away from his son, but ultimately, I feel that we need this for our relationship to stay alive and further develop.

Thanks again.

[VincenzoG91]

Definitely talk to him. A relationship without good communication isn't going to work out. And don't avoid conflict for the sake of avoiding conflict, because unresolved problems can fester and eventually ruin a relationship.

[hello1]

This is really sad, your boyfriend needs to realise he will never find a long term partner if he carries on treating women this way. Your fed up with him after two months! he should be taking you out, wooing you. Maybe he not into you that much? yes he has a son but so what? he should make time for you, time for you two to go out. He never going to find a woman who going to be happy play step mum straight away and stay at home all the time, its sad and pathetic.

[thebakerman]

Where's the mom? Can anyone watch the kid a couple nights a week so the poor guy can live? Look into babysitters. It might cost you more money for a night out than you would like, but that's the cards you've been dealt. The guy usually picks up a date, so offer to pay the babysitter. But if I were him, I'd like to know how you were feeling rather than you keeping it in. You aren't wrong to feel this way, but you will be wrong if you make him feel guilty about it, especially if you knew what you were getting into and never had the conversation. The last thing I'd say is, take your time. Two months is like a needle in the hay stack of your life and possible relationship with this guy. Don't rush through the fun stuff, but make a schedule to fit it in, and try to stick to it best you can. That way you will always have things to look forward to. Good luck!

[devonbrown]

Definitely talk to him. A relationship without good communication isn't going to work out. And don't avoid conflict for the sake of avoiding conflict, because unresolved problems can fester and eventually ruin a relationship.

Vincenzo is completely correct. In fact, he is so correct, that his advice deserved to be repeated.

Good luck.

[xinn1314]

+1 for Vincenzo's post too.

[ItsShane]

You ARE being selfish and needy...it's wrong and unfair, but I'm not insulting you, because it's human nature to be that way sometimes, and I'd be lying if I said I've never been like that.

I dated a girl that had a 1 year old and a 2 year old. We rarely went out on dates, and when we DID, she'd bring her kids. I was ok with it and liked the little guys...but sometimes I just wanted a date with just us two. Eventually we broke up for different reasons...but all in all, I accepted the fact that she was a mother and was not going to be able to live her life like a girl without kids.

If you can't accept(or are not happy) that he his kid comes first, as well as working alot to provide for his kid, then you should end it. It will be better for the both of you.

[Mayita]

I don't think that you're selfish and needy AT ALL!! So please, don't believe those comments.

You never once asked him to choose between his son and you because you know that's something he could never do. But that doesn't mean that you have to put his happiness before yours all the time. A relationship works both way.

He is happy the way things are but you aren't. We have only one life and it cannot be wasted by being unhappy. You have to think about yourself in this situation and it is very good that you are doing so. Talk to him, tell him exactly what you are telling us now. If you always acted as if you were happy in this situation, there is no way he can guess that you're not. Tell him. If he loves you and want the relationship to work, he will make the effort and will be very glad that you told him how you feel.

I think the babysitting idea is also a very good one. See how it goes from there. If it doesn't work after that, at least you will have been honest and tried your best.
Good luck!