Should I follow my heart or head?

[meimei01]

Hi, I have been getting quite confused between two guys. Here is my story (it's kind of long but please be patient since I REALLY NEED HELP and ADVICE). I am in my early 30's. I have met two guys a month ago through dating sites. I met both of them on the same day - one (A) for lunch and another (B) for dinner. After seeing each of them four times (I saw B on Sat and A on Sun for the past 4 weekends), I found I'm more attached to B now. But A has been the type of guy I have always been looking for. I have been using internet to date guys for the past 3 years. I met my last bf from the Internet too but that ended two years ago. Ever since then, I have met many guys and dated here and there but nothing serious or exclusive. In some way, I became one of the type I used to despise - casual dater. But ever since I met these two, I felt like I never really found anyone (besides 2 bfs in the past) that attached to me. Both of them even mentioned marriage and future together on the third or even the second date. I didn't know they were that serious but I could feel both are sincere. I started to chat with both of them on the same week before we met. My feeling toward A was actually a lot stronger than B before and even after the first date. A (33-year-old) has been a gentleman and he knows all the manners that women like. He also works in the field as myself so we have more common topics to talk about. We share some common interests too. He is also very willing to share what he knows to me. I do believe I can become a better person if I end up with him. A always treated me like I have been the one that he has been looking since he has been betrayed by two ex gfs before. But A was born here so we don't have similar background and I may not get along easily with his family or friends. B (36-year-old) on the other hand, my first impression was a playboy since he is kind of good looking. But the more time I spent with him, the more I have changed about my point of view about him. B was born in the same country as myself so I shouldn't have big major problem getting along with his family and friends. B has 4 past relationships and slept with 5 women (according to what I was told) and A has 2 past relationships, just like myself. I'm a very traditional woman so B's past did scare me a bit although both have one live-in relationship. B was engaged with his live-in gf once. B calls me every night before he goes to sleep. We even talk for more than 1.5 hour for the past few nights. He also emails during the day sometimes over 30 emails, telling me how much he misses me. He even said he loved me several times already. He also said he would let me manage his money if we get married some day. I admit I do miss B sometimes during the day. A usually just texts at night and asks how my day has been. This way A does usually worked in the past with a "slow" person like me. At first I felt B was annoying since I didn't talk to guys that often and usually text instead. But the more I talk to him, the more I like him. But I haven't really found out why I liked this guy. My first impression was he is good looking but I always tried to avoid that type. I'm just an average looking girl (may be cute but not bad looking if I wear some makeups) although both said I'm a wife material. I think I do know something good about myself - I'm definitely financially independent (I don't think I make less than any of them in fact), smart (master degree), caring, loyal and honest (I don't need a man to pay my bill). At least these were something one of my dates in the past said. I do want to get married someday although it won't happen within the next 6 months. Both of them have been giving me pressure whenever they brought up marriage and kids. To be hoenst, I have just met them like a month ago. But both seem to be very interested to marry me soon.

B actually found out that I have been seeing A the whole time since he suspected about it even before the first date. Since I didn't want to lie to him, I told him the truth too. The 4th date I had with A, I felt I missed B and I even texted him several times while I was on a date with A. B has complained that I have been cold for one minute and warm to him the next minute and he asked me why that happened several times. I mentioned that my heart and head are not in sync..but I even implied indirectly that he isn't the one I have been looking for. But he hasn't given up on me. He did ask me to stop seeing A for the coming 2 weeks. If I see A again, he will leave me. But I don't want to lose him either since he has been very sweet to me, kissing my forehead and cheeks all the time when we were on dates. So I "promised" although I will bring A to meet my friends tonight for dinner so technically, it is not a date. I did feel guilty each time while I was on a date with another. And I know I can't keep doing this for too long. This is not right and good for any of us. That's why I need help and advice from you guys here - should I follow my heart or head? A is definitely a good husband type. But B will probably be more fun to "deal" with. According to astrology, I am more compatible with A (14 points) than B (6 points). I have to agree that I am more compatible with A if I ignore the potential problem with friends and family. I haven't found that many common interests with B yet. B is emotional and irrational sometimes. We had a few fights on the phone several times because he figured out that I was still meeting and seeing other guys (I admit it has been a "habit" to me). He even hung up the phone twice..But I have cried on the phone for at least 3 times..since he pointed out my problem. He said I would just keep dating and end up with nobody. I also cried for myself twice since I felt I betrayed him when I went on dates with A. So confused..both of them showed up the same day..one is what I used to long for, one is what my heart wants to be with. But I don't want to waste my time to just keep dating and having fun. I do want to settle down. I never played with anyone even when I was in my 20's. This is like the first time happening to me. What should I do?

********

ps - I went to have dinner with my friends and A last night. I haven't got a chance to ask my friend and her husband for any opinion yet. Her husband did say A looked very honest while he went to the bathroom. I will have dinner with B and my friends (same couple) tonight. I will wait till that before I talk to my friends again and ask them how they think.

[smackie9]

Why are you letting your friends decide your fate? I feel either way you will be settling. You are humming and hawing over these two. All you are doing is trying to get out of the dating game and one of these two is your ticket out. I tell you if you are in the market to finding a life time mate, I say keep looking. You need to find someone that knocks you off your feet, sends your heart off into the heavens, a man that makes you look at no other. So what I'm saying is you will be disappointed with any of these dudes....marriage is no picnic, and you need that special person that touches your soul that will give you that deeper connection in order to sustain a marriage for the long haul.

[meimei01]

So you are saying I should just let go both of them and wait for the next one? I was thinking something similar as well since to be honest with you, I do believe there should be someone more compatible..probably someone combining both good qualities of these two (I know I sound greedy here).

But I know I am not asking my friends to determine my fate. Since they have known me for a long time, they may have an idea whether one of them will be a good fit. I will listen but may not follow.

Thanks for the advice...waiting for more!

[Bonfire]

I'll tell you what I think a future with of A and B looks like. A will make a better husband for sure. He'll respect you and care for you. You guys will be happy for the 8 years and eventually you'll feel there is no passion between you two. By then you'll have kids together. And that's the only thing keeping you two together. You want out but you feel there is no options but to stay. You love him but you are not in love with him. If another man enters into the picture you will consider leaving him. Now a future with B is different. You will fall in love with B and think everything is wonderful, but the relationship isn't perfect, B has a controlling problem. He tries to dictate what you should or shouldn't do. He gets upsets easily and you two fight a lot. You think to yourself, all couples goes through this. B puts you through emotional roller coasters. But you feel really attach to him so you can't leave him. You want to make it work. But B continue to control you in every way. Then one day you find out B has cheated on you. You flip out and finally left him. But getting over him is hard. That's my prediction. Don't take it too serious. Just letting my imagination go wild there.

You could wait for guy C. But if you expect guy C to have both qualities of guy A and B, it is unlikely to happen. A person like that is probably already married with kids. I'm not telling you to settle but I think people should be realistic and even if someone isn't perfect, they might be perfect for you. Whether it is A, B, or C , just follow your heart and as long as your head doesn't disagree with your heart, then it's a good choice.

[smackie9]

I've been with my husband for over 21 years so I know what I'm talking about......You really need to be sure you have found that person that completes you in every aspect......it isn't UNrealistic. And it's not being greedy to have certain expectations when it comes to finding a life partner. Too many people out there settle because of practicality or feel this is the best they can do, but end up in miserable lives....the end result is infidelity and divorce.

[meimei01]

I just came back from the date with B after dinner with my friends. I haven't got a chance to talk to my friends or asked for their opinions yet. But I found myself getting more attached with B. We almost kissed..although I pushed him back every time..but we were getting closer..We even hugged for more than 10 minutes before I opened my door. I felt guilty and unsure when it happened. So I held myself back. It was tough and irresistible though. I still have doubts and confusion...

I have to agree that Bonfire in some way, although I don't think I will cheat on A. I still think I'm a very loyal person..at least I was like that before. I was with my first ex. for more than 7 years. He wasn't even a control freak but we just didn't get along and argued all the time after the first 4 or 5 years (again, like Bonfire said, I probably loved him but was not in love with him). We did try to make it work but we failed. It does sound that I won't be happy with A for too long although he is a "perfect" husband. On the other hand, I don't know if B will cheat. No one knows. I do agree that I will have to make it work and deal with his problems if I choose him. Will I succeed with this man? Again, no one knows.

Another "problem" is that both of them don't seem very smart to me. I always admire smart people. That's one reason I stayed with my first ex for more than 7 years although I couldn't deal with him the last 2 or 3 years. He was VERY smart and helped my career and school at that time. Same reason I dumped my second ex since he wasn't smart at all..no common sense sometimes. I couldn't find anything that I admired him after 6 months...I am afraid I will have the same problem with either A or B, especially B..he is not "techie" at all to fix stuff in the house..sure he is the super romantic and sweet type. But I'm quite practical too..and I do concern a guy's capabilities to handle things inside and outside the house..greedy, I know..but I don't think I am shallow..I don't go for a guy's appearance.

I know I have to deal with these (mental) problems of mine...but I am also afraid I'm going to make the same mistakes like I did with my ex'es. That's why I wonder sometimes..are these really what I can get? Is there a guy C, my Mr. Right out there?

[Horseyguy]

Being shallow isn't just about physical appearance

Opps did I just agree that you are being shallow? sorry about that

[Bonfire]

That's why I wonder sometimes..are these really what I can get? Is there a guy C, my Mr. Right out there?

Nope, there is always better choices. When I say to be realistic, I don't mean you can't find Mr. Right, I meant don't expect Mr. Perfect. And by the sound of things, you should keep exploring, guy C is out there and he might be what you are looking for.

[meimei01]

I hate to admit I'm a little shallow this time since B has always been the type I tried to avoid in the past, at least from the way he looks. But if what he said is true (each of his past 4 relationships was 2 ~ 3 years long), then he wasn't really a player although he slept with at least one other woman besides those 4..

I also have to admit and remind you guys that I'm 32 already. If I were 22, I will probably go for B since what if I got nothing at the end..not much to lose anyway. I know I can keep looking at this age..which I have been doing for the past 2 years..I have met many guys and dated 1/4 of them for 3~10 times too. Many were not too serious or attached like these two. I guess those were doing the same like myself - multidating. I even complained to my friend why I always ended up dating casual guys a month ago. It wasn't that I haven't been trying. So I don't really know how much time I need to spend to find my Mr. Right. I don't really expect Mr. Perfect although I do have expectation. But nobody is perfect. We all have flaws. It's just how we accept each other. If I choose B, then I have to get over his past and the fact that he is not smart. But what smackie9 said earlier, she has her point too. I do want to look for someone who can complete me..I don't think B can do such a thing. Not sure about A but A can probably make me a better person, at least from what I've observed so far.

[Horseyguy]

Well there is smart and smart

My partner is a Dr with 2 PHD's, 3 masters and was a straight A+ student at high school but sometimes lacks the most basic common sense

I work in climate science with about 100+ PHD holders who specalise in physics, atmospheric science, meteorology etc etc and most of them are socially retarded. Talk to them about science and they don't shut up, ask them something basic and they just go blank, meet them at a function and change the topic from climate to current affairs and they bolt for the nearest exit.

Being smart doesn't always make for great

Some of my best friends are totally disfunctional geniuses love em to bits but wouldn't want to be in a relationship with any of them

[Bonfire]

I do think it's too early to search for guy C. There is still time to explore guy A or B and see where it is heading. But it appears you have to decide between the two to see which one you will venture further into relationship. Only then you will know him better and see if he is right for you. Good luck.

[jessld]

Follow ur heart but use ur head

[smackie9]

#1, you are not being shallow......you are frustrated. I know why.....it's the guys you choose to date, which keeps following this pattern. You may want to change your strategy. How about joining a singles group where they set up events or activities where you mix and mingle socially. It takes out the first date BS, and you get a better feel for someone and how they interact with you and others. I find when meeting people in a social setting, you get to see what they are really like......they are more real because they are not trying to impress anyone.

[meimei01]

My friends (the couple) that went to have dinners with A and B this weekend called me this morning. They said something similar like what Bonfire said earlier. A will definitely be a very loyal husband and will probably listen to me all the time. He is very gentle and will not even have fights with me, but may not seem that romantic since his daily life seems to be same everyday. But with B, I will have to "suffer" his temper and a little more "challenging" to deal with him. That reminds of me and my first ex. But they said B seemed to be a good guy too and shouldn't betray me either. At this moment, I haven't really made my decision yet. A still contacts me through text messages almost everyday and B talks to me on the phone at least an hour every night. I guess I will probably try to date B for a while to see how it goes. It's not easy to date A again while my heart goes to B at this moment. It's not fair to A either although he doesn't even know B exists. But now there is another "problem"..SORRY people. I am actually the one making the trouble this time. I still can't go over B's past. But I really wonder how all of you (especially women) deal with your husband's or boyfriend's past. I went to B's house twice (last Sunday and this Sunday). Since I was very confused last Sunday, I didn't do anything with him. After reading all your replies (THANK YOU ALL) and also talked to my friends after dinners this weekend, I opened myself a little bit and got closer to B this Sunday. But since he has been living in his current apartment for over 4 years ago, at least two of his previous girlfriends had visited him and stayed overnight there. I didn't really feel that comfortable to stay there although it was cozy. Although I didn't think of any sex scene he had with any of his gfs before, it does really bother me whenever I think of him having a lot of sex on the couch, his bed or anywhere in the room with other women in the past. He had 4 gfs and had sex with at least 5 women (including those 4 gfs according to what he said) before. It's quite a lot to a traditional person like myself. I had only two bfs and I didn't really do it that much since I rarely stayed overnight at their places in the past. I REALLY don't know how to get over it. He was trying to make some moves on me today but I stopped him..To me, it just seems so natural that he made those moves. He probably had done it to many others before. He occasionally talks about his ex'es especially the last gf which he broke up with her less than 5 months ago. Sometimes, he just casually mentioned that last gf slept overnight at his place and he went to her place to stay too. Of course he didn't really say that many good things about her or other ex'es. However, whether it's good or bad about the ex'es, it bothers me almost every time he talks about it. And it bothers me the most when I think of the fact that he has slept with those in the past. He even showed me a jacket one of his gfs gave him as a gift few years ago..I teased him back that I am still using the iPod that my first ex (from at least 3 years ago) gave me as a birthday gift. He said he didn't mind that. But I do mind...I even told him that I wished he could be 23 again (he said he didn't date until 24), then we meet and would be each other's first and last..I really wish I could turn the time back to that age..I just can't get whole thing out of my head...Could you guys PLEASE advice? It really turns me off every time I think of that. PLEASE HELP!

[Horseyguy]

I think you think too much