Help

[Jimmybee]

Hi, My name is Jim. Here is my issue.

I was dating this girl for about six months. She had been through a variety of very bad situations and she had just come out of a very abusive relationship. We sort of just fell into a relationship because I had been giving her a helping hand. About two months into the relationship I started to notice that she was lying about some things. Small things but they were stories that had very little basis in reality.

After about two months we had our first argument. She started to lash out at me for no apparent reason when she was drunk. She attacked me for my age ( I’m 26 and shes 31) about how I don’t want kids and how our sex life was awful. I believe what she said said was it was “awful, Absolutely AWFUL” I tried to fix it and would bring up solutions but they were never acceptable and she was always incredibly critical.

Every time we would argue I would receive 50 to a hundred text messages that were telling me how awful I was. That the reason our sex life was terrible was that I needed to be more aggressive and I had to initiate it because she was submissive and she couldn’t get off if she was the initiator.

This trend continued anytime she got drunk where she would either attack me or become very self pitying. I put a great deal of effort into doing things to make her feel comfortable. We work together so I would meet her at work pretty much everyday and walk her home. If she needed someone to talk to I would sit up with her. If she was having a particularly rough day I would cover her shift at work.

At some point in the beginning of our relationship she had taken a tumble down a flight of stairs while she was intoxicated at work. She tried to pull me downstairs to talk to her and had me by the hands. I told her I had to do some work and tried to pull away. our hands broke away and she tumbled. I took her to the hospital that night. Stayed with her for the next couple days and nursed her concussion. I brought her back to the hospital later on.

So about four months in she was sitting at work (we work at a bar) and she was talking to everyone and said that I dropped her down the stairs. I went out for a cigarette at this point, she followed me. She asked me what was wrong, I told her that what she had said was incredibly hurtful. She denied saying it. That started an argument and she attempted to flick a cigarette at me when she got frustrated.

She wanted me to stay at her place every night. And at first it went that way until it was obvious that we were spending too much time together. So I had told her that we needed to cut down the amount of time we see each other. She agreed. But every time she would have a crisis come up that I needed to help her with. Eventually she had a breakdown due to something that happened at work. So I sat with her and tried to give her options. None were good enough and I caught her in a lie. I asked her about it and she kicked me out of her place. As I was leaving she said that I would never see her again becaus eshe would kill herself.

On my walk home I got a call from her and I told her that I was calling the police. She then said that she was going to visit a friend and not to worry. I told her that she had ten minutes to get there or I was calling the police. She went to his place and I thought that it was over for that day. At nine am she dropped into my house after not sleeping and tried to continue the same reasoning as the previous night. I asked her to leave my house. She refused. I ended up telling her multiple times that she needed to leave. Later in the day I told her that we needed to break up.

We tried to stay friends. But as things usually go we got back together much to the chagrin of my friends and family. So more lies ensued. I had a couple of talks with her about what I needed in a relationship. We were having sex once a month or so. I said I needed more than that. She said she did too. It never happened. I told her that when I talk about an issue that was bothering me I needed her to listen and not roll her eyes at me or ignore me while I was trying to express myself.

It took about a week until she had gone back to the same pattern as before. All we talked about were the people that were bothering her and how she felt. As I tried to talk about my feelings I was told to be a man and she didn’t want to hear about feelings.

A month later we got drunk at the bar we went to her place for that week she had been saying “if you stay at my place tonight we can have sex” and it never came about. The third time it happened i said that i was not going to play that game and went home. TO which the hateful texts and phone calls came in. I was tired of it and I fought back. It became a bitter fight and we broke up again… for a week.

We got back together under the premise that we would discuss the issues and try to fix them. We came up with a system where she would tell me her issues without interruption and I would do the same after wards. That never came to pass. I listened she did not.

She went to Cuba the following week with a girlfriend. I was worried about fidelity but I didn’t want to put it on her. I felt she needed a vacation. She asked me one day when I was preoccupied what was bothering me. I told her it wasn’t important. She pushed me to tell her. So I did. I told her that I was worried about her going to Cuba with her “Craziest Girlfriend” Her words. She said “ah” and that ended to conversation. I took her out to dinner on the Wednesday to a restaurant she loved. Paid for the meal and had plans for a proper date night. She said she was tired and i took her home where she fell asleep.

She had said that she wanted our last night before she went to Cuba to be romantic. So we were at work and she got drunk and told me that we weren’t having sex that night and asked if I was angry. I said A little but more disappointed. She followed that up by telling me that I was trying to ruin her trip due to the conversation about my being worried, and the event that had just transpired with sex.

We worked it out by me apologizing again. I agreed to watch her cat. She had told me that she was going to get internet and a bottle of whiskey. Neither was done. She wanted me to stay at her house while she was gone so that I could give the cat my full attention. I did this.

She came back and everything seemed ok for the first two weeks. We still had not had sex. I tried to initiate it and was rejected again. So left her house. She called me up and asked why I left. I told her that it was because I was rejected again. And that we hadn’t had sex in two months and I was really frustrated. That started the big one. She told me that I was overly dramatic. Which I thought was unfair because she constantly had negative things to say about her friends, family and my friends and family. When I brought that up she walked away and started texting me nasty things again.

Later that night after work the fight continued. I confronted her about sex, her critical way of dealing with me. The fact that she had asked me not to talk to her friends about our situation (which i never had) whereas she would talk to my best friend. She had asked me not to talk to my friends about our issues. I then confronted her about her lies. She asked for examples which I gave her then called me a liar. I asked for examples which she couldn’t give me.

The following day she called me and said that we couldn’t be friends anymore. And that due to my actions she had cut herself. I now feel very guilty and I don’t know if I was in the right or wrong. I blew up at her and I feel pretty crappy about it.

Sorry for the long winded comment.
Thanks for your time
Jim

[VincenzoG91]

Let's see if I have this all straight. She is:

a liar
a heavy drinker
verbally abusive
physically abusive
manipulative (fake suicide threat)
a bad listener

All in all, she sounds like a crappy excuse for a human being. Why do you even like her? Locate your self-esteem and head for the exit, because you will get nothing but misery if you stay.

[DarkHelmet82]

yeah i agree with vincenzo... find someone who is worth your time.

[BeingAlpha]

She offers nothing to you but stress and hurt .. why would you bother with her.

Change jobs immediately, delete everything about her and move on. This is a terrible situation that will only perpetuate itself.

[Jimmybee]

I worry that I am being abusive. She has told me that I am before.

[DarkHelmet82]

I worry that I am being abusive. She has told me that I am before.

So when someone abusive tells you that it is not them but you are you going to believe what they say? You are trying to find reasons to forgive her and place blame on yourself? WHY?

[steviej]

You need to wobble your head, step back, look at what has transpired, realise what a doormat you have been, realise what a manipulative, mentally disturbed liar she is, wobble your head (again) and walk away from this car wreck of a relationship and never look back.

[Kevin K]

You need to wobble your head, step back, look at what has transpired, realise what a doormat you have been, realise what a manipulative, mentally disturbed liar she is, wobble your head (again) and walk away from this car wreck of a relationship and never look back.

steve nailed it. view this as an escape from a toxic relationship instead of a loss that you should be devastated over. focus on rebuilding your self worth so you don't tolerate this kind of shit in the future. no one deserves to have to live with that kind of behavior.

[98db]

Very similar to my last relationship. You mentioned things that I didn't include when I posted my story here, but definitely very similar. I ended up walking away because we were both tired of fighting and I didn't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I'm still hurting but I know it is the best thing for me.

Avoid blaming her, you should focus on the fact that you have needs that are not being met. You cannot make her change to meet your needs, all you can do is try and find someone else that can.

[Jimmybee]

So I want to thank everyone here. You have probably stopped me from going back to this girl. You've helped me figure out that I was in a toxic relationship. Thanks so much!!!!

[IncognitoSir]

She has manipulated you so much that you're actually against yourself now. She has your head twisted into a knot, you need to get away.......far away. She's on a downward spiral and will bring anyone with her she can. I know you wanna help her (knight in shining armor syndrome) but you can't. She has to help herself first and you know she's not going to.

[Jimmybee]

You're absolutely right. Last night was the last i could take. She started crazy texting me again. I told her that one more text and I was blocking her number. Sure enough it came I blocked her and I feel more empowered now than ever before. Thank you so much for the help Loveforum. If I could thank you all again I would.

[DarkHelmet82]

dude you may want to file a police report... this one sounds nuts

[Jimmybee]

in most cases i would absolutely agree. However her last boyfriend kicked the snot out of her and she is going to court with him. I don't want to jeopardize her case. I honestly don't want bad to happen to her I just want her to leave me alone.

[DarkHelmet82]

how do you know he did? she told you that?