The toughest time of my life

[Openbook]

I am currently going through hell in my relationship. I have been with my girlfriend for two years since we were both juniors in high school. Things were perfect for about 6 months until the newness wore off and we started having minor problems. It was always manageable stuff like in any relationship, but within the past 6 months its gotten much worse. This girl has always been absolutely in love with me. She can't picture herself being with anyone else and she wants to have my kids... the whole nine yards. I love her so deeply, but I have always had this voice in the back of my head saying this girl is not the one. I have been acting very distant to her. I work a lot and am very busy, so when I see her I'm usually tired. A few weeks ago, all this stuff came to a head and when I told her that I was unsure that I was in love with her, she fell apart and her heart broke. She ran to me and hugged me and basically begged me not to leave her. We both just sobbed. After something like this happens, things are normally better for a couple days and then they just revert back to the way they were. I think it is only fair that I end thing, but I am so scared. I'm scared for me and her. She is already emotionally unstable and I am afraid that somehow I would be making the biggest mistake of my life. My stomach is constantly in knots over this relationship. I am SOOO SCARED to hurt her. What if I break up with her and realize I really do love her that way? Is is common to feel like I will never find another person to love or that the perfect person for me does not exist?

The big reason I feel this way about her is because we have hardly anything in common. When we are together in a group, I find myself more interested in talking to other people and we dont even act like friends. We just dont seem to connect well anymore and we dont have much to talk about. Someone please offer some advice to me. I am desperate and hurting badly.

[Openbook]

Here is an email she sent to me tonight. She asks good questions and I dont know how to respond...

"I'm writing you this email in hopes that it will help you understand how I've been feeling lately. i feel very unconnected to you and i have ever since the break up (<b>a couple weeks ago</b>). i know when we were broken up you asked me if i would even believe you if you told me you loved me and i said yes. but nothing has changed since before we broke up. i feel insecure about relationship b/c they way i was feeling b4 we broke and your action before we broke up are the same as they are now. when you told me tonight that you can't think that far into the future it hurt me to know that when you imagine yourself a couple years from now you don't see me in that future. you say you cant think that far ahead about things but yet you think about thngs you want to do with work and your career. but how can i expect you to now when i cant see us together then either. at first i was kinda bothered bc i noticed lately we havent been telling each other we love each other as much as we use to but then i realized that i dont even know if i do or not. i feel like these insecurities have caused me to close you off emotionally. i guess i figure if i dont let myself get as close as we were then when we brake up it wont hurt as bad. how do we make this better? i dunno. i dont want to be a stage of your life. there comes a point i think in every relationship where you ask yourself if your with the person you think you will be with for the rest of your life and if you cant answer yes then the person becomes nothing but a stage of your life and if you decide to stay with them they also become a waste of time. are we wasting our time? "

[Cybog]

i dunno. i dont want to be a stage of your life. there comes a point i think in every relationship where you ask yourself if your with the person you think you will be with for the rest of your life and if you cant answer yes then the person becomes nothing but a stage of your life and if you decide to stay with them they also become a waste of time. are we wasting our time? "

What do you want us to tell you? You have to answer this for yourself. I can't tell you if you are wasting your time. It sounds to me like you both are kidding yourself and won't make it past another 4 months or so, but I don't like to point that kinda stuff out. Oops!

Seriously. What do you want us to say? You are both outliving the "fun" stage of this High School relationship and are finally realizing how adult relationships work. You either truly love this person 128% and want to do everything with them, want to be with them the rest of your life, and want to grow old together, or you don't. I can't tell you how you feel about her.

What if I break up with her and realize I really do love her that way?

What if you don't break up, and are miserable for the next year or two? Just a thought....

[schueys_girl]

completely agree...this being a high school relationhip originally it is inevitable that at some stage it will reach a 'plateau' where the newness and excitment has gone, and you are stuck in the 'grey area' between this and an adult relationship, leaving flatness and many, many difficult questions.

This is usually where the relationship is made or broken. Unfortunately it is only you who can decide this. How old are you both? Im guessing not that old if yove been with each other for two years in high school...so 18 or something like that? Sorry if im wrong So maybe her talk of kids with you and stuff is a little extreme? Two years is a long time to have been together at a young age, but not really in the long scheme of life...

Is she asking you whether you love her and want to be with her? Or is she asking you whether you want kids in 2 years and married in one? If you look at it they really are quite different questions...

[Openbook]

Thanks Cybog. I've been talking to a lot of people and the fact that I am feeling miserable and really can't picture her as my wife is a serious sign. I know what I have to do but its so darn hard. And to add icing to the burnt cake, her birthday is tomorrow. I am just so scared and dont know how to end 2 years. I dont think I can do it in person, is that wrong? Last time I tried I ended up having an emotional break down and couldn't follow through.

[Openbook]

schuenys, I'm 19 and she's turning 19 tomorrow. She is asking if I am in love with her and want to continue being with her. Seems like a simple question huh?

[schueys_girl]

If she is asking you to picture her as your wife now and you cant do it, it is not anything you are doing wrong. It seems to me she is asking a lot of you considering you are so young, and in a way scaring you off. She seems quite insecure to be asking you something like this.

If she was just continuing with the relationship, making you happy and you were making her happy, and not making very long term demands when you are so young, would you still be feeling this way, and making such a decision?

Just a thought...

[schueys_girl]

if she is only asking if your in love with her, it isnt a simple question, but it is easier to answer than whether you can picture her as your wife 20 years down the line...

[Openbook]

Well, I see where she is comming from because I kind of have the same philosophy. I only want to date someone who could eventually be my wife (not to say that has to happen anytime soon or we even have to talk about it). She doesn't want to feel like she is wasting her time, and I understand. Yes, I think she has put quite a bit of pressure on the relationship with these kind of demands (talking about marriage within a couple more years)... I'm just not ready. I suspect that maybe the reason things were OK during high school was because I still felt like a kid and wasn't even thinking long term.

[schueys_girl]

Yep, youve definetely hit the plateau, where your deciding whether it is an adult relationship. If she wants you to consider marriage in a couple of years, so ud only be 21, have you considered your careers? What if you end up in different sides of the country? There are all sorts of things to think about.

The problem is in thinking like this your putting limits on the relationship which you need not cross just yet, you are only really young. Why do u call it 'wasting your time' if your in a relationship where your both having fun, enjoying each others company and making each other happy??

Why put labels and limits on things...'wife' 'married in 2 years'. If you really are happy you should enjoy what you have now, because anything could happen in 2 years...your still very young, you dont need to be dating actively looking for your wife right now because you may end up dissapointing yourself when you dont find her right away....

[Openbook]

I hear what your saying, thanks for your helpful posts. I think though that we've already began to go down this road and there is no turning back. She has made it way more serious than I need right now, but she will not change this because she is very insecure. She has always been. She gets depressed and cuts herself (at least in the past she has) and is not a super outgoing person especially around new people. I am afraid that her life will completely fall apart if I leave.

[schueys_girl]

Well no wonder you cant picture her as your wife in the future if she has problems such as this. Insecurity is a killer in relationships, no one wants a clingy husband/wife 20 years down the line, and the depression and self-harming need to be sorted. Have u talked to her about this before?

Surely you should be encouraging her to get some help. In a way mate it sounds like you have stayed with her for some time because you are worried about what she mite do, how she will react, pretty much self pity for her. This is understandable because you care an awful lot about her, but you cannot hang around for her and ruin your life. It will have to end sometime, the sooner you do it the better for you and her. I know its hard but you need to let her go so she can stop hanging onto you for her life and build up her own and be strong on her own.

have been there myself with depression and clinginess and no confidence, and my boyfriend ended it and my life fell apart....for a while and then i picked myself up and realised how unfair i was being to him and how he had absolutely no life of his own. I made demands and asked questions like your gf....are you going to marry me? Do u you want me to be your wife and he couldnt answer and i didnt understand why. When i picked myself up and got my confidence back and found out who i was i did understand. We got back together 6 months later, and we couldnt be happier now. I cant believe how unfairly i treated him and now he tells me himself without me having to ask how he can see me as his wife and how in 2 years we will be living together etc... stuff like this he just says himself, without me having to ask and it feels real because he WANTS to say it. Does any of this make sense to you mate?

If she really loves you eventually she will understand what you did for her...i

[Openbook]

Thanks so much again scheunys. Yes, I have encouraged her to get help in the past (this was more of a high school problem that she is dealing with better). She has got some counseling before. What do I tell her? How do I just end things? Like I posted above, is it ok if I dont do it in person. I've tried that before unsuccessfully. When I see her break down I go into protective boyfriend mode and want to comfort her and make her feel better. Please advise me on how I should take action. I've got classes now so I cant go immediately back and forth anymore, but I do thank you so much for your guidance.

[schueys_girl]

You should really give her the dignity of doing it in person. It is very very hard, but you need to switch off protective boyfriend mode anyway. This is a good place to start. You cant make her feel better anymore because you are going to leave her. It is for her own good that you are doing this and in the long run she will see it, it will just take her a loooooong time.

What to tell her? Basically all thats in this post. Dont be cruel, but be strong and strict. Dont comfort her in a way that you have to physically touch her and she will cling to you more. It will be a horrible, heat-wrenching experience (it still hurts now when i think of my bf finishing me) but she will get thru it...

[Openbook]

I wrote her this email today in response to the email posted above...

"Hey, sorry I didn't email last night. I got to the computer late and I didn't really have an answer. I guess I still dont have many answers. I feel like we are at different places in our lives. You are 18 going on 19, but when it comes to our relationship you act like your 35 going on 36. You seem to act like your at that point in your life where if you don't settle down right away and have kids, you never will. You are soooo young and so am I. Right now in my life, I would be happy if I didn't get married for another 5 or 6 years. That doesn't mean that's how it will play out, but thats how I feel.

In high school, I think we had a fairly strong relationship because there was no other pressures between us. We were just able to live for the moment and make each other happy (most of the time). We RARELY discussed marriage and kids and the whole nine yards. I have this pressure on me now that I have to know everything. I have to know exactly how I love you and be able to sort all of my feelings out. I just can't do that. I'm too young and I can't draw on life experiences. I don't know what this means for us. Obviously, if we are bringing each other down and hurting each other with or without meaning to do so, we shouldn't be together. The questions you ask me, I cannot answer. Obviously I love you deeply and care about you, but with my mind so cloudy over all this, that is the extent of it. I'm not ready to make these deep, lifelong commitments to you. I feel like I have so much more life to uncover before I make that kind of commitment to anyone.

You dont know how truly sorry I am for ever hurting you. Your pain has become my pain. We need to really figure out if we are right for each other at this point in our lives."

Please tell me what you think.