Girlfriend dumped me, need advice

[Cerby]

I haven't been hurt like this in almost 10 years, usually I break it off, so I want some mature advice.

I met my gf 5 years ago, we remained as nothing more than acquaintances for most of that. In December her long term emotionally abusive boyfriend left her, and she was in pieces. About 6 weeks after that, she started texting and calling to hang out, and sure enough, in February, we started dating. I thought I was a rebound, but decided to play it out.

I fell for this girl almost instantly, everything about her was in line with me, life goals, family life, movies, music, past times, etc. Our first 2 weeks were absolutely amazing. After that she told me to slow down, she needs a bit more time to clear her head and get herself together for this relationship. Since then its been all downhill, she has slowly pulled away, gotten more distant, and flags have been going up all over the place. On Sunday, we hung out at my place, I made dinner, she was happier than hell, but I did something wrong (didn't even know it) and she went cold, and then wouldn't talk to me at all yesterday. Today she told me its not working out and she doesn't want to continue.

So I clearly feel used, mostly as a rebound, but I'm also very hurt, I haven't been with a girl I've liked this much since highschool, and its only been 2 months!

What can I do to get over her? I can see my friends as much as possible, but with my schedule I spent a lot of time alone at night where I'm just sitting.

[Cinnabella]

I know right now you won't trust that time will help you, but you will get over her, just need time, maybe not even a month for the length of ur relationship :-), be happy.

You were surely her rebound.

[DarkHelmet82]

You knew it was a rebound going in yet are surprised when you realize you were right? Now on the other side of the coin.. just because it is a rebound doesnt mean it cant work... Technically EVERY relationship excpet for the first one is a rebound right? She sounds confused and may need time...

My advice.. give her space.. like I said just because you were a rebound doesnt mean it cant/wont work. Let her sort things out.

[bubabalo]

I know a lot of rebounds that worked out.
Do you know if she still loves her ex. Maybe she still have hopes her ex will take her back.

[Cerby]

I asked once about a month ago if she was over him, and she said "no". She also revealed that she was talking to him through text, he was begging for her back, and she was telling him no. But they might have continued talking.

So many times she did tell me that she didn't get enough healing time. That should have been my queue to leave the relationship, even if just temporarily.

[bubabalo]

My guess is that she is confused about her feelings for her ex. If she said she wasn't over him and he is begging for her to come back that might be the problem.
How long are they broken up?

[Cerby]

Not long enough, less than 2 months when we got together. I was foolish and went in emotion first. I could have waited for her to heal from it as we already knew each other reasonably well and I would have lost nothing just treading water for a few months.

[bubabalo]

So her ex broke up with her aroun 4 months ago? When the guy started to want to get back together?
If he never wanted to get back together you two could be still together. To me it seems the ex is the problem, she is confused because she has feelings for him but for sure she has feelings for you too since you were together.
Well you could have waited to get involved with her but you didn't know this was going to happen. I think you didn't do anything wrong.
I don't know why the guy broke up with her but she clearly have feelings for him. Just wait to see what is going to happen if she doesn't get back with him she will probably come back to you.

[steviej]

As for advice about what to do in the evenings - join a gym! Get a training schedule, lift weights / cardio etc it'll use your free time constructively and help you sleep.
Make the effort to visit friends, catch up with people, ps3 time etc.

[Cerby]

Thanks for all the advice everyone, I spoke to her last night to confirm anything that was still open. She told me she just wants space to be with her friends and family, and that she can't do a relationship right now, she though she could, but she couldn't. Asked for a month "break" where she could just be herself and feel better.

I don't believe in "breaks" so I told her it was over for now, that she needs to find her space, and if she ends up with her ex, than thats that. If she realizes 3 weeks or 3 months down the road she is ready, and wants to try for real, then I'll give it a shot if I haven't moved on. I won't wait for someone that might not come back, but I also won't give up on something that had potential.

With that, it was over, we just need to meet one final time to exchange some belongings and we're done, at least for now.

w00t ps3 time! I already gym and lift, so its in there, just usually in the morning.

[Cerby]

***UPDATE***

So It got interesting over the weekend, on Saturday she called me because she wanted to hang out for a bit an watch the hockey game, and she was making cookies. I politely declined and told her it wasn't a good idea right now. She replied with "I hope things work out with us soon". We hadn't talked in 4 days, so I thought it might be awkward.

Sunday we agreed to meet for coffee to exchange belongings and chit chat. This is where things started to get confusing. She told me she was sorry that it is going this way, that she still wants to be with me more than anything, but that I just need to give her time to be alone for now, spend time with friends, family, and her new puppy. I asked her if she was talking to her ex again, and she told me she hadn't spoken to him in over 6 weeks and he had nothing to do with this. The conversation went for almost an hour, she cried a little bit, and told me that all I need to do is be patient, give her time, and she will be with me.

After the conversation and things levelled out, she invited me over for a bit, I declined but she insisted I come and see the puppy as I might not see it again for a while, or ever. I could see the ploy that she just wanted to hang out for a bit, so I bit on it. Went over to her place, didn't plan on staying at all, but watched a movie. During the movie she was trying to cuddle with me on the couch, which I somewhat resisted, but again, didn't completely resist. I decided that after the movie I needed to get going (just to get out of there) so I left. As I was leaving she hugged me, then kissed me a few times, and then walked me outside to my car.

On my way home, she sent me a text that said "I hope I didn't lead you on or confuse you, I enjoyed talking to you and being with you again, it was nice. I didn't feel any stress at all after we talked". And that was it. I responded by telling her to take her time and contact me later. Last night she texted the usual "How are you?" junk, I thanked her for the previous night and told her that with time and space we might work out after all, but other than that the conversation didn't amount to much.

Right now I'm cautiously optimistic, but I know not to let my guard down in this case.

What is she doing? Playing games or does she really just need me to leave her alone for a bit?

[DarkHelmet82]

sounds like she has no idea what she wants...... Seems like it will work out though.. just give her space.

[98db]

Poor girl is on an emotional roller coaster and she is dragging you along for the ride. Sounds hopeful, I just hope you can hang on for all the twists and turns.

[Kevin K]

she sounds legitamitely confused. well done by playing it cool and resisting. this is what kept pushing her to want more and want to be with you. what she really wants is space, like she stated over and over again. its just that when a guy acts so cool, calm, collected and mature abotu the whole thing - women cant help but be attracted to his sense of inner confidence and power and its what makes them attracted to you and seek you out.

i normally advise against getting back together because most relationships are dysfunction and codependent but this sounds like something that was a great fit, you were both aligned, and really enjoyed eachothers company. it doesnt sound like you're desperate or needy or trying to get her back out of desperation. you both seem to be handling this maturely.

if you actually want it to work, you need to give her the space she asked for and leave it off on a positive note (just like you did now). keep playing it cool, date around, stay on top of your shit and keep being the cool guy that she liked in the beginning. be okay with whatever decision she comes to on her own after she gets the space she wants. you cant control it. however, you can certaintly influence it by being positive and proactive in your own life instead of waiting around for her or wondering what shes going to do. just do you.

best of luck

[Cerby]

Thanks for the advice Kevin, for the next couple of weeks I'll refrain (as hard as it will be) to open any communication with her, whether it be by call, email, or text.

If she contacts me, I've always responded rather quickly, should I continue to do so or should I do nothing for the next little while? (I don't want to alienate her, but I also don't want to feel strung along)