Married but in love with someone else

[lovestruck56]

I am a 55 year old male who has been married for 20 years with the same person. I live in NYC. There has been nothing wrong or missing from our relationship. Many of our friends call us the poster couple for marriage. Then entered Dawn. She is a 31 year married girl with four children,l who lives in Texas. She is the daughter of someone i dated 40 years ago. Before moving to Texas she loved PA. and me & my wife would visit my old friend and she her, while I like Dawn there was never anything more then treating her as a good friend. In February something happened while we were skping on line. I started to have strong feelings for her and noticed that she did too. I asked her and she told me that she is deeply in love with me. I then told her I also was in love with her. She came back to PA last week and of course I went to see her. While there she would mouth the words "I LOVE YOU" to me, while eating I would hold her hand or rub her leg and kissed a few times. I will see her again in May. First is it possible to be in love with someone you will only meet once or twice a year, or we truly in love and what the hell am I doing. Am I crazy?
The feelings I have for her are intense. It hurts when I am not talking/texting or skyping wither her. She is the 1st thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think of before I sleep and everything in the middle. I would give up everything marry her and take her and her children someplace to live.

[Bonfire]

I would give up everything marry her and take her and her children someplace to live.

Then several years later, you will be back on this forum making the same thread about a new girl you have fallen for. Let's just ruin more marriages shall we?

[Ric]

Kinda cute to see this from a 55 year old guy.

Ok, here's the deal. You have a crush. I doubt you're in loe with her, it's just infatuation. This can feel very strong.
So, you have to ask yourself... how real are your feelings?
Then also ask yourself, what is missing from your relationship. You say nothing. Does that mean you still deeply love your wife? If you think back, before the new woman in play, has there ever been a thought of you wanting a divorce?

Don't let your feelings for this new woman cloud your judgement. Don't get a divorce because of her, get a divorce because you need a divorce. If you don't need a divorce and you get one anyway, you'll regret it.

[lovestruck56]

Ric Thanks for the reply. No I haven't been thinking about getting a divorce before the new women took over my life. The questions I keep asking is why and who is the girl that has stolen my heart. I thought I may be going thru a mid-life crisis or just going crazy. These feeling I have for her I never had with my wife. So I wonder if I ever was really in lover with her. If it is as you say an infatuation, how do I stop it. Or can infatuation lead to true love. But she is also in love with me and when we met when I was holding my hand she texted me that she is jealous and it hurts her feelings to see me with my wife. Can a person be in love with two people at once?

[Ric]

1: Realize that your love for every person will be different. The feelings I had for each of my girlfriends were widely diverse. That's because they were all their own person and I loved them all for different reasons.
2: Besides that, also realize that it likely has been a long time since you felt something so strong and new. You've forgotten what it's like. You likely had similar feelings for your wife, just don't remember it well as it's been too long.
3: Infatuation can change to true love, if you let it. But, you can step back, stop contacting her, cut it off. You'll miss her at first, but you'll notice your feelings to start diminishing. You can never help who you fall for, you can only choose your actions afterwards.
4: It's possible, even though most people will tell you it's not. You just have to choose not to let it get to that point.

If you let it play out you might start feeling more for her and make it more difficult on yourself. Your wife will notice, trust me. She'll be left hurt. And perhaps the other woman will even tell your wife in order to get you to herself.


Most of all, you have to choose for yourself. Don't choose for your wife, don't choose for the other woman, choose for yourself.
On one hand you have an infatuation, a feeling you've forgotten existed, a feeling that can bring a sure spring to a man's step. You feel rejuvenated, feel cheerful, feel like the world is yours.
This feeling will likely not last, once the newness is over, once you get to know the complete her, once it all settles in, chances are you'll be left with the same type of feelings you have for your wife now.
At the same time, you can not be sure of anything with this new woman. It's new, it has to build, you might not connect well, it might all be over in a short time. Then you're left with nothing at all.

On the other hand is your wife. A sure thing in your life. Sure, you don't feel these intense feelings, but you have something steady and real there. Something you can count on. This could come with a sense of boredom and a feeling you are missing something. But is this feeling strong enough to choose something unknown over it?
Well, I can't tell that, you have to choose for yourself.

[lovestruck56]

Ric,
I agree with all of your points. yes my wife and others have noticed a change in me. I've been withdrawn and down lately except when I am talking with Dawn. Its like I am bipolar. Right now I dont know what to do. She is someone I knew for a long time and I am friends with her entire family. mom, aunts, uncles, sisters ect. so dropping her completely will be hard to do. I talk with her mom at least once a week. However you could be right on the boredom as I been unemployed for 6 months, but why is she in love with me

[Ric]

Well, then it might indeed be hard to drop her, but you can talk to her about how you don't want it going anywhere further. In the meanwhile, take your wife to do things you normally wouldn't. Spur up some feelings with your wife.

She can be in love with you for a variety of reasons. It can be real, it can be the simple thrill of an older married man, boredom in her own life, etc. But you shouldn't let yourself be bothered by that. Think over well what you want while doing things with your wife. If you're going to choose for this new woman, make as sure as you can you actually want that.

[vertical_sky]

She isn't in love with you.... She's in love with the attention.

That may seem harsh but I'd lay money it's pretty accurate. She's 31 with 4 children... Which means she probably got married young, or never really got to experience her youth. She's probably bored in her marriage just like you. So here is the older man giving her all this attention, making her feel admired and worshiped...

But the fact is, it's infatuation. Neither of you really has your head on straight. Neither of you seems to realize that your "love" would destroy two families, one of them with young kids; that one of you would have to move across the country, either dragging your kids with you or leaving them behind and never getting to see them. Lust, infatuation, is all emotions; love is a balance between logic and lust. You said it yourself; what could she possibly see in you? How could this possibly work? You're 24 years her senior, AND unemployed. My guess is, if she wasn't bored/lonely in her own marriage, she wouldn't even be giving you a second glance.

[smackie9]

There are things lacking in your marriage so don't kid yourself. This isn't love, it's just infatuation. The reality is that this 33 year old is still young and you are only something temporary. As for your marriage, it is lacking the excitement that you are getting from this affair. You and your wife probably don't have much of an active life of doing new things and exploring different activities...in other words you have fallen into a rather boring routine. You don't have to have a toxic abusive marriage to have problems. There are issues. I suggest these two things. Get divorced and throw caution into the wind, but that would mean an uncertain future or end the affair, and go to a marriage counselor to make improvements in your relationship with your wife.

[oneandonly]

..... Can a person be in love with two people at once?

I read somewhere here that a person who loves two people at once only loves himself/herself, which I can't agree more!

[CollegeGirl]

I really don't think what you have with this woman is love. Although you may feel like you are in love with her, I doubt it's anything over lust. You have been married for 20 years and since you didn't have any problems in your marriage before you met this woman I'd say this is simply infatuation. I'm in my early 20s so I don't know anything about married life. However, it's been my experience in the relationships that I have had that the first few months are generally the most exciting. Everything is new and you haven't yet discovered the things that you don't like about them. You think about the person non-stop and this new woman is like a new adventure to you because you don't really know what to expect from her yet. After 20 years with the same woman you have settled into your lives together and the same excitement that used to be there, most likely isn't anymore. But you shouldn't trade everything that you have in your marriage for a woman that you barely know anything about. If you truly do love your wife, then try and rekindle what you once had in your marriage and you just might find yourself constantly thinking about her like you used to.

[lovestruck56]

<She isn't in love with you.... She's in love with the attention>
You know I may have to agree with you on this. While I know Dawn for a long time it was just recently that I chatted with her and really got to know her. But here is the real kicker. She had an affair 2 years ago and her husband found out. They got divorced but last year that got together and now this May they are getting remarried. So for her to fall in love with now is very strange. She said she still wants to get married to him.

[lovestruck56]

Smackie
<You and your wife probably don't have much of an active life of doing new things and exploring different activities>

Well my wife and I do have a very active life and we are always exploring new things both in & out of the bedroom. And I may agree that it is infatuation, but who knows where it can lead. I know the age difference is a major drawback when I am 70 her youngest daughter will be 18. I will be like her grandfather to her. And I dont hate anyone who is giving me there opinion.

[smackie9]

So if you have an active life then there is an obvious lack of emotional connection. It has become just routine....there is no thrill, excitement, same old wife.

[smackie9]

I still think you should at least see a counselor and find out as to why you are jeopardizing your 20 year marriage that seems to have nothing wrong with it.