Lost.

[AlphaPrime]

So here is the deal. I’ve been married for almost 6 years. I’ve not been perfect, but have owned up to my mistakes and done everything to correct them.

Backstory: July of last year I was at a party with some friends. I was there with my wife and kids, (I’ve been in a very non-sexual relationship since my last one was born 3 years prior) basically we were having a 4th party and having a good time. About 10pm came and my wife came over told me she was leaving to put the kids to bed. I said ok, let me grab my phone, she said no its ok hang out as long as you want, (we had just gotten another keg, and yes I know I should have left). I didn’t, and as soon as she was gone this other chick came over sat down next to me flirting with me. Mind you I’ve been very attention deprived in my relationship. One thing lead to another and I ended up making out with this chick.

I confessed to my wife what I had done. She was understandably hurt by it, but I promised her that I would do anything to make it right. I’ve since done everything she has asked. I don’t drink anymore I’ve not pressured her in any way. I’ve totally changed not only for her but for the good of myself and my family. I’ve worked my ass off and things are better for it.

Now comes to my issue. I feel all of my work has been for not. I don’t go snooping around but there was something just not right with her. I thought maybe I was getting too comfortable again and she was having a trust relapse on me. I don’t know what it was but something was off. I chalked it up to me not working hard enough and was going to try harder. Yet when I got home yesterday her facebook was still signed on. But instead of just logging in off I let my gut and curiosity get the best of me. I clicked on the messages part. Yes she had met this dude about a month ago and was going back and forth about seeing each other. She’s telling him that what he was telling her was the sweetest thing she has ever heard, and that she can’t wait to see him again. Also that it hurts her not to be able to talk with him.

This shit is burning my ass. I’ve jumped through all of her hoops to win her back after I mess up just for her to dismiss them on another guy. I don’t know what to think right now. Just needed to vent it somewhere I guess. Maybe I’ll rub some salt on my wound and suck it up.

[girl68]

Well nothing is gonna work out unless you confess what you know.

You're both being neglected, you're both screwing up, and you should both seek couples counselling alone and seperately. You both need to dig real deep as to why you're both seeking attention outside the relationship.

BUt you'll have to confess first.

[Anturo]

Sounds like a GTG woman. (Give To Get)

You weren’t giving enough of the right thing.

Her hoops may have been set too high for you, out of reach in the first place.

I don’t know what to tell you from here, talk to her you've got kids at stake here.

I guess the playing field is even now? 1 - 1?

[Sonrisa]

first of all, big mistake on confessing about your make out session.
second, do not confront her about the FB guy. most likely nothing is going to come out of it.

[Sonrisa]

Sounds like a GTG woman. (Give To Get)

You weren’t giving enough of the right thing.

Her hoops may have been set too high for you, out of reach in the first place.

I don’t know what to tell you from here, talk to her you've got kids at stake here.

I guess the playing field is even now? 1 - 1?

oh please, life is not a game. them both needed some adrenaline rush and now they are getting it.

[AlphaPrime]

first of all, big mistake on confessing about your make out session.
second, do not confront her about the FB guy. most likely nothing is going to come out of it.

Maybe not, because either she finds out from me. Or from someone at the party who isnt me. I figured would be best to own up as a man to a mistake.

Anturo: I've read a book called the 5 love languages with her a few years ago, I'm physical touch and she is quality time. I'm pretty sure I'm giving the right thing unless she can change that?

girl68: I'd love to go to counseling just dont really have the money for it right now. But is def. something I see in our future as a must.

How do I confess what I know w/o her manupluating it to be my fault?

[IncognitoSir]

OUCH! The game of revenge, she never forgave you. NOW, you DID cheat (I HATE CHEATERS BTW) but, you did put in the work according to you and part of forgiving a cheater is.......to forgive them. Assuming you did "jump thru all these hoops" for her, she was simultaneously talking to another guy behind your back. That's like super revenge. Man, not to be negative but this could be a death blow to your marriage, your anger is ONLY going to grow with time and her lies to cover it up.

[Anturo]

oh please, life is not a game. them both needed some adrenaline rush and now they are getting it.

I know life is not a game.

Sure they are getting a rush but is it a healthy one? No.

But she could be one of those women who use sex as a weapon against men. I know a few of them and its not right.

[girl68]

It is your fault and you admit that up front.

And you *get* the money. Your marriage is on the line.

[Anturo]

How do I confess what I know w/o her manupluating it to be my fault?

Grow some balls.

You know the same ones you had when you told her you cheated? Or did she take them from you at that point?

[AlphaPrime]

OUCH! The game of revenge, she never forgave you. NOW, you DID cheat (I HATE CHEATERS BTW) but, you did put in the work according to you and part of forgiving a cheater is.......to forgive them. Assuming you did "jump thru all these hoops" for her, she was simultaneously talking to another guy behind your back. That's like super revenge. Man, not to be negative but this could be a death blow to your marriage, your anger is ONLY going to grow with time and her lies to cover it up.

I dont want it to be a game of revenge. I want it to stop. Hell I never wanted it to start in the first place. I know I need to get counseling and I will figure out how to get and pay for it. But is it even possible to over come?

[Sonrisa]

OUCH! The game of revenge, she never forgave you. NOW, you DID cheat (I HATE CHEATERS BTW) but, you did put in the work according to you and part of forgiving a cheater is.......to forgive them. Assuming you did "jump thru all these hoops" for her, she was simultaneously talking to another guy behind your back. That's like super revenge. Man, not to be negative but this could be a death blow to your marriage, your anger is ONLY going to grow with time and her lies to cover it up.

there's no revenge until she does something.

[Sonrisa]

Grow some balls.

You know the same ones you had when you told her you cheated? Or did she take them from you at that point?

what's that going to do?

[AlphaPrime]

there's no revenge until she does something.

But what if she has? I fear that she has. Is this just a winding spiral down now? I guess I have to confront her about this. I've got to let her know that I know about what she has been doing since I've "been fixing things". I know it wasnt right for me but now neither of us can trust one another. All a relationship is, is trust. Yet neither of us now have it for one another. I want it to be fixed but I dont know if it can. I mean what do we start from square one again? Is that possible?

[AlphaPrime]

I dont think that I'm angry. I'm dissappointed. I've done what I needed to do to hold up my end and then she didnt hold up hers. I know thats no different than how she must have felt when I didnt hold up my end first. Yet now I dont know how I can ask her to do things for me to make me trust her when I've not fully repaired her trust in me.