What happened?

[nicelydone]

I was seeing this guy for almost 2 years, it's been a long distance relationship..We spent alot of time together. he would visit me all the time and I thought everything was going well, even talked about marriage one day. As time went on he hasn't been contacting me lately..We text all the time keeping track of each others daily lives every day and the last 2 weeks I have not heard from him, which is so not like him to do that. I've sent him several emails asking what is wrong? is he okay? but no answer...Please someone help me to understand what could be wrong...i feel so confused and depress.

[Ric]

Did the contact slowly become less before he suddenly disappeared like that? Or was it from one day to the other nothing?
If it's the second I'd be worried there is something serious going on. Don't know how far away you live, and don't know if you know people that know him... but might be a good idea to check up on him.

[Darren Taylor]

My guess is he met someone close to him and he's too much of a coward to end things with you. That would explain why he's ignoring you.

[nicelydone]

Thank you so much for the quick response....He would contact me everyday, I would maybe miss like 2 days out the week of not hearing from him, but that was usual for him to do...but now the last 2 weeks nothing at all. I keep checking my emails, text nothing....and I'm very worried or maybe if he wants out, then why just not state that?

[nicelydone]

He lives only less than 2 hours from me....and I've never gone to visit him yet

[smackie9]

well go and see him then.....you never know he could be in jail or something.

[vertical_sky]

It could be he just needs some space.... Not because you did anything wrong, but because he might feel as if he's losing himself.

Let's break it down a little bit. Texting every day for two years... If that pattern keeps up, it can be pretty intense. I think we women are more capable of handling it, because our style of communication is all about expression. We think out loud, we discuss small details with our girlfriends; we females are generally just very chatty.

Most guys I don't think are naturally this way... Guys tend to be more independent thinkers. Think of the guy who goes into his garage and tinkers with his engine, alone, when he is stressed.

I think guys just generally need a little more space. You might have been texting every day for two years because the relationship was still new, and so he still had the "new" feelings... Now he's become more comfortable and trusting, and he may feel it's time for him to focus on himself a little bit. He may feel he's "lost" himself over the last two years, so he pulls back... Not because you've done anything wrong, or because he's preparing to break away, but because he needs to go into his garage and be by himself for a little while.

It isn't a problem, any more than you needing to chat with your girlfriends to feel better is a problem. However, the more you try to follow him into that garage, the more you ask him if something's wrong, the more he'll feel as if he doesn't have that time to re-discover himself, and the more he'll pull away. It's like when someone keeps sliding closer to sit next to you, when you're trying to create space.

You've GOT to let him have his space. I know it's hard.... damn do I. But you've got to TRUST that he will come back. The sooner you pull back and stop treating his normal reaction as a problem, the sooner he'll get that space he needs, and the quicker he'll come back, now rejuvenated that he's re-discovered himself and is ready to re-dedicate himself to you.

Repeat after me: him needing space is NOT a problem. Him needing to pull away is NOT an indication that something is wrong with you. So stop demanding that he tell you what's wrong (nothing is wrong to him cause he doesn't see his own cycle of rubber band-ness as a problem) and go do what YOU want to do. Dedicate yourself to your hobbies and yourself.

Now maybe he won't come back. Maybe his pulling away IS a sign he's done. But you will never know unless you give him a chance to bounce back. As soon as you chase him into the garage, you GUARANTEE he won't want to come back... Because he'll feel you don't trust him enough to let him have his space, and he'll feel a lifetime with you is a lifetime of intense communication, which he may not always be able to handle.

[HeartIsAching]

Most guys I don't think are naturally this way... Guys tend to be more independent thinkers. Think of the guy who goes into his garage and tinkers with his engine, alone, when he is stressed.

Bicycle. I go out and work on my bicycle. I turn the tunes up really loud, have a beer and mess with one of my bikes.

But yeah, spot-on.

[nicelydone]

Thanks to everyone for your comments on this, I really need this and thank you. I know I'm not doing anything wrong and yeah, maybe I've sorta pushed him in a corner and got him wanting some space. He contacted me last night finally after 2 weeks asked if everything is okay and that he hasn't been online or texting me in awhile,I know he had to go on a business trip for his job and I guess its just he needs time away from me as well..I don't know, but i don't want to think of him as someone who ran out on me without saying something to me.

I didn't reply back to him cause I don't want him to think of me as smothering him or anything, but just giving him his space and maybe just maybe he'll come back to me on his own and not cause i beg him come back.I feel in my heart there is something wrong...He's never been one to open his feeling to me, although he's told me he loved before and wanted a future with me..so it's kind of hard to know where he's coming from now... I'm afraid of losing him, but also afraid to tell him just how much I am afraid...

[vertical_sky]

It's all right to express your feelings to him. The thing to keep in mind is timing and making sure you're not blaming him.

Timing is really key in communication. First, wait until he contacts you... The time to discuss your feelings is NOT when he's pulling away, but when he's springing back.

Next, express your feelings directly but without making him responsible. Say something like," I'm happy to hear from you. I really appreciate the time we have together. Sometimes I know you need some time to yourself so you can feel more comfortable. When you need space, could you please reassure me that you care about me and will come back? Otherwise, I feel hurt, as if I've done something wrong to drive you away."

Keep it direct, short, and as loving a tone as possible. By working together, you can both get what you want... He can have the space to be himself, and you can have the reassurance of his feelings for you.

[nicelydone]

It's all right to express your feelings to him. The thing to keep in mind is timing and making sure you're not blaming him.

Timing is really key in communication. First, wait until he contacts you... The time to discuss your feelings is NOT when he's pulling away, but when he's springing back.

Next, express your feelings directly but without making him responsible. Say something like," I'm happy to hear from you. I really appreciate the time we have together. Sometimes I know you need some time to yourself so you can feel more comfortable. When you need space, could you please reassure me that you care about me and will come back? Otherwise, I feel hurt, as if I've done something wrong to drive you away."

Keep it direct, short, and as loving a tone as possible. By working together, you can both get what you want... He can have the space to be himself, and you can have the reassurance of his feelings for you.

I'm 46 and he's 48, why can't we get this thing together? another 20 years we'll be seniors citizens....we both been divorce and both have kids and grands. ...i would think people of our age would know what and who we would want to be with by now.am i silly for thinking that? i know he went thru some bad things after his divocre,since 2001... left him with barely anything. He had to start from scratch(financially).....he's still struggling I think.... but I know he doesn't like stress, and he hates when i start rambling about more time with him or conversations with him...thanks for the advice I need to keep things that are less stressful and also for me to have more patience I guess, but I do love and I know I'm willing to spend my life with him.....