Leave it alone or fight for it

[Fate]

Hey guys, straight to the point. 21 year old redditor, last real relationship was 3 years ago, with the same girl.
3 years back, I was in a relationship with this girl, and I decided to break it off after a short period, because I was just to busy, and didn't feel the urge to make time for that relationship. I know I hurt her badly back then.

But I did still have feelings for her. I tried to ignore them at first, but I just couldn't act normal around her anymore, so I broke all contact for a while. But still, everytime I saw her, I knew I wanted her back. I didn't feel any real interest in any other girls. Atleast not for a long term relationship.

A couple of weeks back, I just got together all my courage and called her, for a friendly meet. Everything went great, but I still couldn't be myself around her, because I was hiding my feelings. (Like I always do, not so very good with showing emotion).
But she figured something was up, so she called me and told me we should talk. Today I went over there, we had lunch, we talked for a bit. I figured I'd bring up the awkward subject. I knew exactly what I wanted to say, but once I started talking I couldn't even remember half of it. I apologised for what happened in the passed, I told her what I truly felt, and have felt these passed couple of years, and what kind of an idiot I was back then, breaking off our relationship for the most ignorant idiotic reason ever.

Before I even started talking, I knew what her answer was going to be. She told me I really hurt her back then, and that she's ok with us being friends, but there's probably not a chance that anything more can happen. After the awkward and somewhat pathetic silence on my part, she asked if I was ok to meet her again next week for a run, just as friends.
I said yes. Eventhough I can't hide or forget my feelings by next week, I agreed to seeing her.

So basically, I got turned down. What should I do? Should I just give up? I'm ok with being friends, but my feelings will always be there, causing some awkward moments.

Or should I keep fighting? No matter what the odds are, should I keep going for this one girl? Try to "woo" her? I don't want to give up, but on the other hand; she did make it clear that nothing more would come of it.

I hope you can give me some advice. I'm a bit ashamed coming to the internet with this, but since I'm a bit to introvert to talk to my friends about this, I hope you can spare me a couple of minutes of your time. Thank you!

[smackie9]

Just be friends for now and don't push it.....let her make the next move.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Hang out with her as friends, but after a month, tell her you can't go on as just friends, so you need to cut all contact for good if she doesn't want more than friendship. In that month do little things to show her that you're thinking of her and that you care about her, but don't do anything over the top, just keep her thinking about you. You want her to gradually build an attachment, so it will be difficult for her to lose you. For now she could just be timid because you hurt her before, but if she's not ready in a month just cut the cord.

[myno84]

In my experience a girl will not give in straight away if you want her back. Sooo you have have to fight for it to prove it to her. You cant just mess a girl around, wait 3 years then tell her you're sorry and expect her to come running back! Even if she still has feelings for you she will want to maintain her dignity by not getting back with you straight away, so you will have to fight for it to show her you care! You've waited around for 3 years, how much longer are you going to wait around!

Just tell her exactly how you feel and that you want to prove to her how sorry you are for how you treated her. She sounds like she is willing to get back together by agreeing to meet with you, it sounds to me as if she is wanting you to fight for it by agreeing to be friends.

Prove to her that you are sorry and want to be with her. If you do that it will all work out!

[IncognitoSir]

In my experience a girl will not give in straight away if you want her back. Sooo you have have to fight for it to prove it to her. You cant just mess a girl around, wait 3 years then tell her you're sorry and expect her to come running back! Even if she still has feelings for you she will want to maintain her dignity by not getting back with you straight away, so you will have to fight for it to show her you care! You've waited around for 3 years, how much longer are you going to wait around!
!

I agree with about half of your post, but bottom line is she's allowing you BACK into her life. Roll with the friendship for now and see what comes of it. Whatever you do, don't push her into anything. Like someone else mentioned, let her see how much you want to be with her. It's going to take work for you to fully get back in her good graces, but again, she is allowing you back in a lil.

[Fate]

Thank you guys. I'm just going to leave her alone untill next week, and I'll see if I'm capable of still talking to her and looking her in the eyes without feeling... strange. I like the way IncognitoSir and myno84 are looking at it, that I still get a chance to keep her in my life. Question is, will it slow me down, or will it speed me up.

I'll post an update once I've talked to her again.

[Fate]

Allright, update.

So now we have this weekly thing going, which is great for me. We go for a run once a week, and grab a drink after. I enjoy just hanging out with her. But I feel kinda... boring. I don't quite know what to talk about, because what I really wanted to tell her, I've allready told her. And it annoys me. I enjoy listening to her, but I'd like to be able to say a couple more words than I do now.

Like I said, I enjoy hanging out, and it's fun, but I still have my "hidden" agenda. Ofcourse she knows I cant' give up that easily, but it still feels like a dead end. Atleast for now.

[VincenzoG91]

You might be too focused on your goal, and are overlooking the quality (or lack of quality) in your current interactions. If you can't think of anything else to talk about then your intention to be in a relationship with her, then there doesn't seem to be much basis for a relationship besides your appreciation for her appearance.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Just end it. After next week's run, tell her that you can't keep up the facade anymore and you understand why she doesn't want to date you(this part is key, she needs to feel like it's her fault), but it's time to move on if friendship is all she wants.


Vincenzo made valid points, but I also think it's possible that you're so focused on your goal that you're trying too hard and overanalyzing which is why conversation is so difficult; either that or Vincenzo's observation is right. I say you just stop torturing yourself, tell her date you or nothing, and start chasing other girls hard to take your mind off of whether or not she's going to call you.

[bubabalo]

How funny see the opinions when it's a guy in the same situation as a woman.

A few days ago I told my story here, which is different, but essentially the same. The guy turned me down and he is letting me in his life saying he wants to be friends, but everyone said I should forget him, ignore him, moven on... and here it's basically the same, the girl was clear and turned him down but everyone says he should use the friendship as a way to try to win her back.

I wonder why is that? Is this a sexist thing or men and women are so different that even when someone turn them down they should react different.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I just read your thread bubabalo, and it's not the same situation at all. This guy broke up with the girl and he is the one that wants her back, romantically, now and has asked for such. Your guy broke up with you and shows no interest in you.

[bubabalo]

Well she told him she just want to be friends like my ex. I want him back like he does but like her my ex the girl just want to be friends, that's the point.

[Fate]

You might be too focused on your goal, and are overlooking the quality (or lack of quality) in your current interactions. If you can't think of anything else to talk about then your intention to be in a relationship with her, then there doesn't seem to be much basis for a relationship besides your appreciation for her appearance.

I don't think I'm overlooking it, I just can't get the quality into the conversations. What I'm really looking for, is what we had before, but that's gone appearantly. Untill I can be myself again around her. I'm a shy guy, I get shy around people I don't know that well, and it's like I started from 0 with this girl.


Bubabalo,I do believe we're sort of in the same situation. I'm pretty sure this girl has no more romantic feelings for me, but I just have to keep trying. But however, I do think there's a difference. If he truly sends you texts with "I miss you", just ignore him. He'll start sending you if he truly misses you.

[bubabalo]

Fate, I think there is no harm to try to win her back since this is not going to hurt you. What I mean is, if you try and you don't win her back make sure you won't get hurt. I guess you have 50/50 since she was in love with you once you two have chemistry and worked as a couple but she also be telling you the truth and just wanting to be friends.

Any decision you make be careful with your feelings.

I won't text talk with my ex anymore, and I will do this for myself. I want to move on.