suprize visit to LDR girlfriend

[giulio]

Hi,
we basically saw each other with my girlfriend each weekend (2h drive) except one weekend.
recently she acted a bit strange and cold (hand some problems + was depressed a bit because of the distance) which in the end resulted in getting me colder

Last week was quite ok, she called, texted and expressed several time that she misses me and asked if I had any plans for the weekend. I said I didn't planned anything yet and was quite cold with her. (which she noticed and I know it bothers her)

Now I'm planning to go, to see her and gave her a small present (she always complains about the fact that her skin is dehidrated and that she didn't get the cosmetics right last time, so a good quality day cream and/maybe a flower would be perfect I guess)

Since I love her, it's quite hard to talk to her as if nothing is in the process of preparation, however I don't want her to feell that I'm ignoring her...
I'm planning to go to her city (Saturday). Since we talk several times a day, I'm planning to just ask her "what plans she has for Sunday, suggesting that I may go to see her, so this way she would think and expect that I'm going Sunday"
I think letting her imagine and anticipate a meeting and then telling her "ok, I'm there in 15 minutes" would be nice, since I'm sure she's counting with the fact that due to my recent coldness it's quite possible for me not to go.

How can I prevent her from noticing my sense of anticipation...
Any ideas on the situation in general terms ?

[smackie9]

Question is, why are you doing this surprise visit? The real reason.....

[misombra]

don't do it.

[smackie9]

Ya if things are a bit dicy a "surprise" visit may back fire on you. Sounds like you are scrambling to salvage your relationship. Showering her with gifts and affection will not save it.

[MerryH]

As happy as it would make me to see my partner, I would be pretty annoyed by a surprise visit. Seems imposing and rude to show up unannounced. I just don't get the point.

[giulio]

Question is, why are you doing this surprise visit? The real reason.....

The real reason why I was doing it was because I wanted to see her reaction...
I called her and initially asked if she has anything for Sunday. She said no, and asked why am I asking. I said maybe we could do something together... and instead of saying "oh great, I can't wait to see you" see said "well, if you want and think you should come, it's ok".... as if I'm the only one interested in the relationship... kind of a red flag...

As you all noticed things weren't quite good lately, but in the end I did it. (I always stay at another friend, not at her place, so I think it's not rude, since I didn't invited / forced myself to her place)
Her reaction was nice, but not out of order. Despite she was a bit sick, I went to pick her up, then went to a movie.
She acted as if nothing happened and was warm (according to her personality type). Sunday she even invited me to her home (she lives with her parents) so I met them as well, and I also got a dinner...
She thanked for the surprises and everything was quite ok... The most interesting fact is that she didn't had many bfs and I know that only one was ever introduced to her parents... (does this makes me special?)

There is only one little thing.
Despite all that happened, I feel as if I wasn't satisfied altogether...
The thing is that I'm well aware of the fact that I love her, and you know, when you love someone, you tend to focus all the attention on that person. From text messages, to attention and affection, from small surprises to time spent together.
Now, I don't really see that on her... she is acting like a girlfriend, she does some things for me but I get most of the attention and affection when I'm not giving mine. And as soon as I focus again on her, she seems to get back in her comfort zone again.
I tend to see her fluctuating, sometimes she's affectionate and gives me a doze of attention, other times she seems quite uninterested and it bothers me because I don't like to play games and not to be myself.

In one sentence, I am not sure what is she really feeling... and what plans does she has, especially knowing that it's a LDR

[smackie9]

Well distance does make the heart grow fonder......this is a technique I'm going to tell you about is called the push and pull method. Jerks use it to pick up girls, but it can be a useful tool in a relationship that needs to keep fresh. Stop giving her so much attention. Start ignoring her and when you finally have contact with her say you have been busy, give one word answers, and play it kool. If the attention goes up a bit, you give her some attention, and then you kool it off again. No don't be a total dick, just do it in small doses. It's like giving a dog a cookie and a pat on the head when it does something good (attention). You have to make her earn your attention. If she hears about you busy with other things other than her, her interest in you goes up. Just don't be a hopeless sap tho....just small amounts of attention as a reward. This shit works.

[giulio]

Honestly,
I did something similar with her, after a weekend when she acted real cold. (scenarios like sitting with friend and she didn't even looked in my direction)
And it did miracles.
She called, texted much more and with greater intensity. She thanked me for calling her and called lately just to say goodnight.

The thing is, since I'm giving her more attention again, she started to get back to her comfort zone again. It's not that bad, but her interest level defenetly went a bit down.
What I don't understand is that in the past I had girlfriend I was interested in, gave them lots of interest and gift and they seemed to be even more into me....

I'm sending her today some flowers together with a nice message, and I'm really curious about the reaction.

Honestly, I know this works, but I don't really like to play games + IMO in a serious relationship both must feel the need / know the fact that the should care for the other and the relationship

[Take2]

If you don't like to play games, don't play this one with her. She is doing it to you, and you are playing along. She got cool with you and now you are bringing her gifts and sending her flowers. You are REWARDING her BAD behavior. You are reinforcing that this game-playing and manipulation will get her what she wants. I'd say you'll be better off being blunt: I don't like it when you go hot and cold on me. I am not going to chase you. When I am sweet and kind to you and you respond with coolness, it hurts my feelings. We need to stop playing this kind of game if we are going to continue as a couple.