Suggested an open relationship....

[loladay21]

I have been with my fiance for 7 years. I am only the second woman he has ever slept with, while he is like my 22nd. The frequency of sex has been declining steadily over the past few years. We have discussed this issue several times, always with him promising to make more of an effort (b/c I almost always initiate) but nothing has changed. Last time we talked he said he only had the desire to have sex once a week, while I want it at least 4 times a week, more if I can get it.

I don't want to cheat, but I don't want to break up. We have a great relationship and a life and a daughter together. I just want to get laid more. Recently I suggested an open relationship. I told him how much I love him and how happy he makes me, but that I'm struggling with monogamy.

He did not respond to this well. He said he is afraid I will leave him for someone and that it's embarrassing for other guys to think he can't please his woman. It's not that our sex sucks, it's great. I just miss getting laid whenever I want and am tired of being rejected by him. (I didn't say this when I suggested it tho). He said it was fine and he wanted me to be happy but I could tell it was not fine, so I told him we need to talk more and set ground rules. He also mentioned that I would have more opportunity and that he doesn't want to sleep with other girls. He just said he'd have to deal with it. I told him I don't want him to deal, if he couldn't handle it we didn't have to do it, it was just a suggestion. Then he said he doesn't want me to be unhappy, and that he would just have to deal with it.

Now, I regret ever bringing it up because he has been depressed and anxious ever since. He said I can't take it back and that it poisons his every thought. He says he still loves me and doesn't want to break up, but, I'm worried I have completely ruined everything. What (if anything) can I do to make this better?

[Horseyguy]

Tell him to grow some balls and dump you

[Klim]

I have no idea.

I think that question implies "I wanna see other people because you're not good enough, but I don't want you to hate me." I really don't see how this is fixable. I guess you'll just have to convince him you would never go for another person.

[KingZ]

Really?

You have a very inexperienced (comparatively speaking), emotionally vulnerable fiancé of 7 years and you suggest an open relationship?

God, I hope he gets rid of you.

[Romeo200818]

That was a pretty bad thing to say. The guy seems very unconfident now. just tell him your sorry, you werent thinking straight, you love him, dont talk about it again, build his confidence, buy some black undies, and fake 5 orgasms. as for your libido. just get yourself some toys

[MerryH]

I feel badly for your fiance. I mean, to have your monogamous partner of 7 years tell you that she wants to start sleeping with other people...ouch. And the poor guy loves you so much that he's willing to let you **** other people, even though he's clearly uncomfortable with it. Be nice, break up with him. You two aren't compatible.

[Bonfire]

So you made a mistake. The kind that will take time to heal from. All you can do now is tell him you love him so much that you'll never cheat. Then show him you love him with your actions everyday. He'll get over it in time. As long as you don't do anything that gives him any suspicion. Don't hang out with any man or stay out late. You have damaged his trust/confidence now it will take a long time to rebuilt. The fact that you did not actually cheat on him makes this situation repairable. So don't give up. And don't ever bring this up again. You have to ask yourself. Is the love of this man more important than sexual fulfillment? Because the fact you brought this up in the first place raises this question. I hope things work out best for the both of you. One other thing, instead of looking for sexual fulfillment outside of the relationship, your focus should have been how to improve his sexual desire. You wouldn't have run into this problem had you focus on the right solution.

[MeghanIsConfuse]

Sex drives differ from person to person, even year to year in my experience. Last year I would have had sex for hours and hours, now I pretty much want it once a week, and only for a short period.
In your situation it could be a couple things.
1) He could just have a low sex drive
2) He may not find you attractive anymore
I was with my ex-fiancée for 5 years(I was his first) and only until the end did I find out he gradually found me lesser and lesser attractive, until he didn't even want to be with me/fell out of love)

I say, if you see him masturbating more than he has sex with you then, it's honestly *probably* you, but if you don't, it's probably his sex drive.

Also, if he's a larger guy, that's also another reason for a low sex drive.
If you don't want him to leave you/you leave him, take him to a doctor, ask the doctor what's going on with him, honestly though, I'm sorry, but once a week is normal for a couple who have been together as long as you guys.

Be glad you have at least once a week some don't get it but once a month, can't be 16 forever.

Don't tell your finance you want to sleep with other people, that's something you say to someone if you want a divorce, don't be surprised if he's upset with you, you would be too.

[loladay21]

While he says he wants it once a week, in reality it's more like once a month. He's not a big guy at all, very thin. When I asked him that very question, if he found me less attractive, he said no. I have lost 25 pounds and done nothing but improve my looks hoping this would help the situation. Nothing. This only getting laid when I finally get frustrated enough to say something is getting old; it's been like this since after the first year. I have tried everything, fantasies, lingerie, etc. I'm tired of being practically celibate. My sex drive hasn't changed at all. Doesn't anyone out there believe you can separate love and sex? I would really like to hear from some open-minded people, especially someone in an open relationship/marriage who knows WTF they are talking about!

[vashti]

What good would it do to speak to someone in an open relationship? Your man doesn't want one. Are you willing to completely disregard his feelings?

You have a young child. Your life decisions shouldn't be decided based solely on your own wants. Buy yourself a toy, and show it to your man, and tell him you have solved your problem.

[loladay21]

Buy yourself a toy, and show it to your man, and tell him you have solved your problem.[/QUOTE]

I've tried the toy thing, I'm not a kid, I'm a woman that needs a man to f*ck her. Toys just end up making me more dissatisfied and frustrated than when I began!

[Regnent]

Being on the male end of not enough sex, I understand the frustration.
Requesting an open relationship is one of those grenades you throw. It could work, or it could end badly, very badly.

Outside of complaining and improving your weight, etc, have you tried different foods for him? Is he stressed?
There's any number of things that'll kill a guys sex drive, some can be 'fixed' without even directly involving him, some would require him to take an interest.

Obviously, if you're not happy with the sex life, and it's important, it either needs to be fixed, or ended.
If he's not interested in adjusting his sex drive, suggesting an open relationship isn't the end of the world when faced with possibly ending the relationship.

On a odd note, if he's only interested once a month, there really shouldn't be any reason why he should be offended, unless he's aware, and possibly already bothered by -something-.

Maybe he's cheating, maybe he thinks you're already cheating.

[sweetkissesforu]

What good would it do to speak to someone in an open relationship? Your man doesn't want one. Are you willing to completely disregard his feelings?

You have a young child. Your life decisions shouldn't be decided based solely on your own wants. Buy yourself a toy, and show it to your man, and tell him you have solved your problem.

Or use said toy in front oif him

[Dan555]

You have a daughter with this guy and you proposed an open relationship, because you're not getting enough sex? I would have definitely left you for that. :O

But now that it's done and you're asking for advice, I might aswell try to give you some. You obviously ****ed up by telling your man that you're not satisfied with his sexual standards. Now not only is he hurt, but he's probably just feeling forced to have sex with you in fear of you leaving, and that will kill your relationship in a few weeks.

Obviously, I'd say sorry since you're the one who's wrong here. But as you said in your first post, a simple apology didn't work. What I'd do being in your exact situation, and acting in both our interests, would firstly lower my sexual standards. I'd be alright with sex two times a week, but making it really really intense. . . The better it is for him the more he'll want to do it. Sit down with him and ask what sort of fantasies he has (You'd be suprised how many things guys would like to do to their girlfriends, but don't want to tell them in fear of looking like jerks). Explore what he likes, and if you concentrate on him a bit more then he'll want it a lot more badly than he does now.

[IncognitoSir]

Geeesh, just leave him already. You're selfish as shit. Your first thought is, hmmm, maybe he'll give me permission to go **** other guys then I'll be happy. Didn't even consider his feelings. I'm disgusted by this thread.



Sir Out