Can't Understand Ex's Actions

[vertical_sky]

Long story short, me and my ex have been broken up since early fall. Since then, we've had about one conversation a month... Usually one of us begging the other to get back together.

Since December, any time I've talked to him online I've kept it very casual and friendly. I really want him back, and our mutual friend advised that the only way I'd convince my ex is if I demonstrated behavior that reminds him why he dated me in the first place.

About two weeks ago I emailed him because our video game server was down, and I also mentioned I'd gotten a PS3, so asked his recommendations on games. Since then we've had a phone conversation and exchanged an email about every two days.

Ive explicitly stated that if he doesn't wish to speak to me or if he feels uncomfortable to just let me know and I will stop contacting him. He said no, he wants to talk, it's fine to email him etc, if he doesn't want to respond he'll just "disappear for a while."

So he has been responding to my emails.... However, he responds to about 1/3 of my questions. My last email was very friendly in tone, three paragraphs long, talking briefly about my volunteering gig and sending him articles I thought were interesting and he'd enjoy, etc. His response was 2 sentences long. 2 sentences! They addressed only the last question I'd asked him.

My question is... why freaking respond at all? If he just doesn't want to speak to me, why not just tell me/ignore me?

[matt4lyfe]

Perhaps he does feel uncomfortable. Try to remember that you two used to be together and a lot of times it does feel awkward to talk to an ex and try to come to mutual non-relationship thing. It could be that he feels this way but is trying to be nice because he doesn't wish to hurt you. Try to not to look at him as just responding with two sentences or that he's not answering all the questions. If you over-analyze that, it will just stress you out. I know you want him back, but just don't take this to heart or think deeply into it.

Understand that he may want you back as well, but is hesistant because of whatever happened to cause the breakup in the first place. It could also be that he's seeing someone else or at least has his eyes on another girl/rebound.

[vertical_sky]

If he's got his eye on another girl, I wish he'd just tell me he's moved on and to stop contacting him. He's well aware of my feelings, so responding just gives me a sense of hope.... if there is no hope from his side, I'd prefer he let me know. Responding, but responding in such a "whatever" way seems to be just a way to keep me hanging on so I don't move on. (He's yelled at me before about "ignoring" him, so I'm trying to be the last one to respond so he can never complain to our numerous mutual friends what a b*tch I'm being by "ignoring" him.)

[matt4lyfe]

In that case, perhaps there is hope on his side or he's at least unsure. Not everyone is good at being direct about things.

Might I ask, why did you two break up in the first place?

[vertical_sky]

Partially long distance (year and a half.)

From my side, while we apart, communication was impossible. He wouldn't answer emails... I'd have to call him over and over before he'd answer, and he'd always be too tired to talk long. It felt like he was constantly yanking me back and forth... One day he'd love me, the next he'd be saying he's not sure if I fit into his future (his future is incredibly uncertain... Sometimes he wants to be a photographer, sometimes go back to school to be a psychologist. Right now he's unemployed and living with his parents.)

From his side, he said I was playing games like manipulating him into chasing me and/or being too needy (how I managed to be both those things I have no idea.) He also said I caused his horrible temper (he did a lot of screaming and self-injury during our fights) and I was way too jealous/insecure (he went to Australia with a female friend, and I got VERY suspicious.)

The fight that really broke the camel's back was when he came back, he said the only way he could date was if we went to couples therapy. I had already been in individual therapy for a couple of months... I suggested we go to separate sessions for a while, and then go to couples (so get ourselves straightened out first before we tackled couple issues.) But he refused, because he said his only issues were because of me.

So, guess, in short, we broke up because I suck and have emotional issues.

[matt4lyfe]

Wait wait, you're going to say that you suck and have emotional issues? He seems like he has issues as well so don't go beating yourself up like that. The fact that he's taking out a lot on you and blaming you for a lot of things is making him seem like the victim and immature for not taking responsibility for his own actions. Okay you were a little jealous/insecure but hey if the roles were reversed and you were going with a guy friend, he'd react the same way, if not worse!

I won't say he's playing games with you here, but it almost feels like you're playing into his hands and it gives him a chance to say that you need him and not the other way around. His indecisiveness is also an issue. If he can't make up his mind, then he's really not worth it at this point.

Maybe you need to be the one to make the first turn around and let this go. I know you want him back, but you also need to see he's blaming you for everything here and it's affecting you emotionally to the point where you may be buying into it.

[vertical_sky]

So ya think I should just give up on trying to get him back?

It just never seems to work when I do try to walk away... Last fall I told him I needed space because I didn't like how he treated me, and he accused me of being bipolar and not loving it. It seems like, when I walk away... he just lets me go.

Guess that's why I think I was the problem with the relationship, cause he doesn't seem to care/want me. But then why respond to my emails? Why tell me he's so much happier without me but insist I talk to him? It just doesn't make any sense....

[leoben]

He is probably enjoying the attention you are lavishing on him. It's a huge ego boost for a guy when a girl puts in a ton of effort, gets nothing substantial in return and keeps coming around anyways.

You might be able to get him back if you wait out whatever he's got going on now, but why would you want to? Sounds like you two brought out the worst in each other when you were dating. Have you examined the reasons you are attracted to him in therapy at all?

[vertical_sky]

Sounds like you two brought out the worst in each other when you were dating. Have you examined the reasons you are attracted to him in therapy at all?

The first few years we were dating it wasn't like this at all. These qualities (anger, superiority) were always present but in FAR smaller amounts. Honestly, I thought he was my perfect partner. Understanding, articulate, intellectual, funny, similar interests.... I'd never met anyone who came close to the connection I thought we shared.

Then about a year ago, it's as if he went through this existential crisis. He said he'd been that way in the relationship (what I thought had been mutually loving and happy) because he'd been needy and pathetic, and that our relationship was a result of me controlling/using/abusing/manipulating him, and he was going to "get himself back." (According to him, his last gf before me had been very abusive, but up until this crisis he always told me I was amazing and a great girlfriend.)

I'm just having trouble letting go of the hope that the guy I fell for, and who fell for me, is still there, and that I can get that relationship back, because where else am I gonna find anyone who was amazing as he was.

[lahnnabell]

I'm just having trouble letting go of the hope that the guy I fell for, and who fell for me, is still there, and that I can get that relationship back, because where else am I gonna find anyone who was amazing as he was.

You can't possibly begin to move on while you're so hung up on this ex of yours.

I've been where you are, in this limbo of ex-boyfriendhood. It's a road to nowhere. You broke up for a reason, and it sounds like he IS enjoying having you at his beck and call. He may have been boyfriend material once upon a time, but he's going through a period in his life that only he can attempt to fix. You are better off sticking to a path that works for you, 'cause this guy will f*** up your world.

[DarkHelmet82]

Vertical.. why do you think you wont meet anyone else? I felt the exact same way... Im 28 and have a real hard time meeting women who I can see myself being with... I was in a similar situation with the texting too.... when I would contact my ex she would respond but with short answers.. she would ask a question maybe 1 of 10 times. I then realized, whats the point? Is it my fault she is immature? Is it my fault she doesnt want a committed relationship? Is it my fault she has issues? Is it my fault she loved me one minute than didnt the next? The answer is No. DONT TAKE IT PERSONALLY. There is nothing you can do to change it no matter how much you want it to. Let it happen naturally. I will find someone else and so will you. Let me give you an example. You know those people that always want to have kids.. keep trying, and they eitehr have miscarriages or just cant get pregnant. Than they give up and just live life and appreciate life. Then all of a sudden... when they arent trying BAM.. they get pregnant.
Your situation as well as mine and everyone else's is the same. Things happen when you arent looking for them and if you keep trying for something you will never get it. Just "Let it Be" as Paul Mccartney would say. It will work out. I can gaurantee if you find someone else you wont even care. You may think about your ex but it wont matter. Maybe finding someone else is what will even make him contact you... but hoping it will happen is just a waste of energy.

[vertical_sky]

Somewhat surprisingly turn of events.

After the two sentence email from the ex, and posting here, I decided to back off, as it seemed he either wasn't interested or was just telling me to buzz off in a nice way, as others have commented here. Without any contact from me, though, two days after that, even though he was on a family trip, he sent me a much lengthier email in which he said right away "The last email was a bit dismissive, so lemme add some more!"

I know it sounds lame, but the email he wrote me was so wonderful.... it filled me with hope and optimism. Also lame (but relevant) I picked up that famous relationship book "Men are From Mars, Women from Venus." I expected it to be the same old stupid advice as everything else I've read, but it is very thought-out and insightful. While reading it, I realized me and my ex had been running into the exact same communication problems as in the book. It was really like an epiphany.

So with that in mind, I've been continuing to talk with the ex (emails and texts every few days) and it's been going really well! No relationship talk, just keeping it friendly and warm.... I daresay this is the best streak of communication we've had since early last year. No idea if it'll lead to getting back together, but so pleased he's talking with me and we're getting along well.