Lost and hurt; need advice badly

[GK001]

There is a 11yr age difference. And I believe what you say... I've read about these things too but still I keep hoping and wishing that he will keep his promises.
I've taken our vows seriously and there is nothing I wish more than to this marriage to work. Getting married is something I'll only do once in my lifetime and it feels so horrible that it only lasted for 4 years.
He was my first kiss, boyfriend, love, everything and all this has just left me completely heartbroken. Everyone here has told me that this is a lost cause and I guess you're right...
Maybe it's time to try standing on my own 2 feet because I just can't take another broken promise... The future still scares me though, it feels like I've lost everything.

why is it always the older males that tend to be more controlling and abusive? is he in his early 40s or late 30s? the reason i asked that is because man at that age is harder to change because of their maturity. i guess they find younger women who has a weak mind and low self esteem easier to manipulate and control.
your the perfect target. you should take control of your life. built up that self esteem slowly by been independent and successful. you are the perfect example of a abused women mentality: you blame your self for his wrong doings. you think showing him more LOVE can change him. you rely on him to provide.
Thank your lucky stars there is no children involved. usually those man tend to drag on the abusive/controlling aspect by making the woman pregnant, so its harder for her to get out of the relationship when there is a child involved. the abuse will get worse.

you sound like a wonderful woman. you deserve a equally wonderful man in your life. please, get the hell out now while your still young. this is your LIFE we're talking about. you have to use your brain to guide you now not your heart.

[Bambina]

why is it always the older males that tend to be more controlling and abusive? is he in his early 40s or late 30s? the reason i asked that is because man at that age is harder to change because of their maturity. i guess they find younger women who has a weak mind and low self esteem easier to manipulate and control.
your the perfect target. you should take control of your life. built up that self esteem slowly by been independent and successful. you are the perfect example of a abused women mentality: you blame your self for his wrong doings. you think showing him more LOVE can change him. you rely on him to provide.
Thank your lucky stars there is no children involved. usually those man tend to drag on the abusive/controlling aspect by making the woman pregnant, so its harder for her to get out of the relationship when there is a child involved. the abuse will get worse.

you sound like a wonderful woman. you deserve a equally wonderful man in your life. please, get the hell out now while your still young. this is your LIFE we're talking about. you have to use your brain to guide you now not your heart.

I know many will judge me and this relationship now, but my hubby is turning 31 this summer and I recently turned 20.

[GK001]

I know many will judge me and this relationship now, but my hubby is turning 31 this summer and I recently turned 20.

No 1 i can see here is judging you. they are giving you the truth and perspective. wow you married him at 15-16? damn your still a kid then.
you haven't even experienced what true love is...there is plenty of young wonderful men out there for you to seek. you have nothing to worry about. get out while your young.
dont waste your prime on that cheating pos.

[Bambina]

No 1 i can see here is judging you. they are giving you the truth and perspective. wow you married him at 15-16? damn your still a kid then.
you haven't even experienced what true love is...there is plenty of young wonderful men out there for you to seek. you have nothing to worry about. get out while your young.
dont waste your prime on that cheating pos.

Yeah, I married him shortly after turning 16. As for true love... I'm not sure if I agree with you there. Only time will tell, I guess.

I've been thinking everything through again and again for hours and I guess that all of you are right. I should leave, even though it hurts. I'm not sure if I can ever stop loving him though...

[SelflessnHumble]

Yeah, I married him shortly after turning 16. As for true love... I'm not sure if I agree with you there. Only time will tell, I guess.

I've been thinking everything through again and again for hours and I guess that all of you are right. I should leave, even though it hurts. I'm not sure if I can ever stop loving him though...

He stopped loving you.

[Bambina]

Well, me and hubby have talked a whole lot and I learned that he has kept me in the dark most of the time. I'm now trying to decide whether to leave or to stay but I'm torn in two and really can't make up my mind so I'm hoping that once again you could help me out a bit. Maybe not by making the decision for me but to point out something I've overlooked or something. Anyway, the whole story goes like this:

He pursued me because of my looks but ended falling in love with me. And I guess he's always done that... Gone for how women looks, I mean.
He has cheated on me 1-2 times a month. Apparently he has things he likes and fantasies he wants to live out, that he feels that he can't do with me. The reason for that, he claims, is that I'm his 'sweet, innocent little angel' and can't treat me the way he
treats those other partners. I need to be handled with love and care, as he says. I guess that is quite true since I would never get turned on by being manhandled, quite the opposite in fact.
Either way, he did suggest an open relationship, which means that when he feels the need, he can go to one of his other partners, while I'm his and his only. He is possessive and wouldn't let another man touch me. Not that I have a need for that. One man is all I need.
So now I have to decide, whether to agree and stay or disagree and leave. My heart says one thing and my head another.
Does open relationships work? I've never known anyone who has had one of those. I also have a million other questions swirling in my head that I just can't find an answer to.
I never knew marriage could be this hard... I guess this is what I get for being a hopeless romantic.

[smackie9]

You need to be handled with love and care? NO you need to be to have RESPECT! Dear this is bull sh it. You will never be happy staying with a man that cheats and lies. If he truly was IN LOVE with you he wouldn't need another woman.....ever.

An open marriage goes like this......you both get to have sex openly with others.....like he's gonna let YOU get away with that. Just stop this nonsense. There isn't any other way but divorce. There are men out there that are true to their heart.....you can find that man, and by the sounds of it, quite easily and your husband knows this. That is the only thing that scares him....you making an independent decision to be your own person and leave him. He couldn't give a rat's ass about your love. Like I said he is just using you to wash his laundry, and take care of his house. You are just a trophy wife/ house keeper. A possession.

[GK001]

Yes, been a hopeless romantic is great and gets you fruitful relationships. but at the same time girls who has a happy life use their BRAIN to guild their HEART. Normal independent confident women can freely give their heart and mind to the man whos true to her.
Why would you want his penis after its just penetrated god knows how many sluts and where? heard of STD? AIDS? ewww have some self respect woman. His a Italian player(not generalizing or been racist here but they are fking charmers) and full of shit, his good
at manipulating you, he knows how your mind works. lol he blames it on his " dirty fantasies" thats his excuse for been disloyal? I guess its ok for him to have fantasies about animals then later put his dirty stick in your body right? is it what your telling us?
why do you think normal men watch porn? cos they jack off to some of the fantasies with out the need to cheat.

This time you have to trust your head. tell your closest family/friends for support dont be ashamed about telling them. good true friends will always be there for you to form a shield if you ask them to. golden rule in a relationship is you never go back to a "cheater" or "hitter" bcos they destroy lives.

[warriormaiden]

This is almost heart breaking to read.

You seem so lost, so broken, so small. It literally brought me to tears to read your posts.

Honey, you don't need him. He has brainwashed you in to believing that, since you have his 'affection' then that's all you need. You must re-take the control that you have given him. You said he was your first everything, so maybe this is why it's so hard for you to break away. It's always rough the first time. But you must do this for yourself and your child. This is abusive behavior that is damaging not only you, but it can also cause severe damage to your child if you stay. To grow up, seeing mommy and daddy fussing and fighting over his infidelity, seeing mom cry all the time, it isn't fair for the child.
If one day, you just have to gather your things in the middle of the night and steal away with your child to THINK properly and to make the first step in leaving him, then do so. If you have to go to a shelter JUST to get back on to your feet, then do so. Do they have shelters for women in Italy?
This is hurting you, deeply. And he doesn't give a f*ck about it. All he sees is his needs, his wants. What a selfish bastard, and I hope he burns in hell for it.
(By the way, he better be glad he wasn't married to me. Someone would find him hanging in an ally by his entrails. Cheat on me twice a month, HA!)


You are SO young, same age as me! You CAN do something with your life. I bet if you were to go out there right now on your own, you and your child would be perfectly fine. It's never too old to go back to school, never too old to re-evaluate your dreams and pursue them.
I know you were in it for the long haul.......but I guarantee you, this behavior will never stop unless he CHOOSES to stop. And from his blatant chauvinism and disrespect, that doesn't look like it's going to happen any time soon.

This madness must cease. Take control. Be the woman you know you ARE inside.


(and I also kind of agree with GK. What is with Italian men and this kind of behavior? Spanish are right there with em too!)

[smackie9]

Know your rights! You have access to the Internet so do your research about the laws in your country about what you deserve when getting a divorce like spousal and child support. It's obvious it will be on the grounds of infidelity. Get phone records, credit card receipts, names of these women, etc. If you can hire someone like a private investigator to get photographic proof of his cheating. I'm sure there are government agencies that help women get free legal advice...most likely through women's shelters. Knowledge is power, you can do this.

[Bambina]

This is almost heart breaking to read.

You seem so lost, so broken, so small. It literally brought me to tears to read your posts.

That is exactly how I feel. My intention wasn't to make anyone sad though... Thank you for the kind words.

There are men out there that are true to their heart.....you can find that man, and by the sounds of it, quite easily and your husband knows this.

Thanks But I can't see how any man would like to be with someone that is as messed up as I am...


Thanks to the rest of you guys that commented and gave advice. I appreciate it a lot.

[GK001]

Thanks But I can't see how any man would like to be with someone that is as messed up as I am...

believe me there is. i'm one of those guys who gave and gave to a girl who got abused physically. i saw she didnt believe in love or anyone would like her after been hit (kinna like you)...so i showed her what been true is. It wasnt good enough because her "heart" was still with her ex.
unfortunately for her though she went back to her ex again because she cant control her "heart". i guess women like that do believe their man will change and holding onto that illusion by keeping the hope alive. just make sure you wont go back to your ex when some one else comes along.

There are man on this forum who used to be like your husband (player). make sure you read what they say and heed their recommendations because they know what your husband is thinking.

[smackie9]

Girl you were taken advantage at a very vulnerable age for which you didn't have the maturity to make proper decisions.....they were made for you. You were basically a child. You should have been enjoying your teen years getting an education, dating BOYS and going to parties....that was all taken away from you. But now you are an adult with a new view of what is really going on. You are gaining independence, and you should know it's never to late to get an education, get a job and take care of yourself and your child. Women do it everyday. Turn to those who are closest to you, friends, family for guidance....I'm sure people will open their door to you and help you till you can get back up on your feet. Like I said before do your research, there has to be non profit organizations that help women in need, a safe place to stay, to help you find work, etc.

[Aramis]

I know that this thread is friggin old but I have to comment anyway.

@SelflessnHumble
You gave good advice, I admit that. But what irks me is that you coldly state that he doesn't love her like it's 100% fact. It kinda pisses me off since you can't know that for sure. Your relationship and hers are 2 different things.

He's an ass - check
She should leave - check
He doesn't love her - there's no way for us to know what's really going on.

@Bambina

Tell us how it's going, ok?

[KelE]

Leave him so you can have a Life. It's not your fault, it's his problem. After you stay so many times after he has cheated it becomes your fault too.