Someone please talk me down

[Dark Inertia]

I have been in a 2 year LDR with my boyfriend which is coming to an end this summer. I have been extremely happy with him, love him to the point of insanity, and am eager for us to be together full time. I miss him terribly all the time. However, I recently started a new job and have developed this crush for someone else.

I'm confused by it. I do not develop crushes very easily, and this is the first since being with my boyfriend. I really do not know what is going on with this person. I have to walk by his desk several times throughout the day, and I was, for the most part, fairly oblivious to him. One day I saw him looking at me and did not think much of it, but afterward I became aware that every time I went by I could feel him staring at me. Needless to say, I started returning these stares.

These quick glances have turned into these ridiculously long stare down sessions. It has gotten to the point where as I walk by we both turn around and our eyes remain locked. I'm surprised I haven't hit a wall yet, or run into someone. The odd thing is we have never said a word to each other. I grumbled a "hello" once and he nodded in response. For the record I know he is in a relationship as well.

The thing is I don't know if he really likes me, or if he just thinks I'm some sort of creep who smiles all the time and he is just being polite. I asked a friend and she said "You don't smile at people who you think are creeps." I have been having fantasies of him, and actually look forward to work because I get to see him.

I really want this crush to go away, though I know I am enabling it! Anyway... if someone could kindly talk me down or give me advice, I'd appreciate it... but I just need a place to vent about it as I really have no one to talk to. I don't go back to work until Monday and my boyfriend is flying in tomorrow and will stay all through next week until Sunday. I am hoping his visit will help me put things into perspective.

[blv]

its choice time for you my dear. its either make a conscious decision to be with the man your with or continue to look for the fantasy of the perfect stranger. you say you love your bf to the point of insanity? not if your playing these silly games with someone else. you know what your doing. smarten up. ive done the LD thing before and it works if the two people are on the same page. i think you are just feeling like you need some attention or validation. maybe your bf isnt giving you enough right now? is ther something else between you two you have to sort out? people will always want and find other people attractive outside of the relationship they are in. its only human. but to be able to recognize this and move beyond it is the key. the mind will make projections of "perfect" times you will have with someone new. many relationships end this way. one person is attracted to someone else who they think is better or right for them, break up with who there with, then after the projections are over they realize the same problems are still there just with another person. then someone else comes along to make your mind wonder again. this isnt a bad thing if you recognize it and learn how to work above it. you got to be open about yourself with people you want to love. if you want it to work for you and you bf keep the communication open and honest. if you want to play the game then accept what comes with it.

[Ric]

Best is to just ignore the crush. Focus on something solid you already have (your boyfriend).
Crushes can and will happen from time to time in pretty much any relationship. It usually means very little (even though many people don't handle them well)
So, you either need to just ignore it, and if that's not possible, allow yourself a silly fantasy but remember what's actually important at the same time.

[Dark Inertia]

Blv, I very much appreciate your response. What you said stung a bit, but is still gentle. I only know what I feel for my boyfriend, and that is intense love. He has done so much for me, and bends over backwards to please me. My happiness has always been his priority, and since the moment we became a couple his goals have been working toward me. I am not bragging or being vain, but that is how it is. I believed my goals to be the same, which is why this silly crush has hit me like a 2x4. Out of guilt I did mention to my boyfriend that I had a crush. He said he understood, that these things happen, just as long nothing evolves from it. But if he saw the way this other person and I stare at each other he would not be comfortable, I know this.

i think you are just feeling like you need some attention or validation. maybe your bf isnt giving you enough right now

This is actually spot on. My bf and I skype every single night for hours on end. However, what usually ends up happening is me laying in bed watching something on the computer while he finishes his work. On the weekends he usually goes home to his parents and hang out with his friends until as late as 6am. We sporadically text while he is out. I still feel lonely. We have gone around and around about this. He tries to appeal to me. When I complain he seeks out conversation. He wants to talk about how I feel... but it is very complicated.

They say men have trouble verbally communicating their emotions... verbal is the least of our problem. If one were to see my boyfriend they would regard him as emotionless. He is EXTREMELY apathetic and stoic. All of the pictures of us together he looks downright miserable, though myself and his family/friends know him well enough to know he is not. He tells me just because he doesn't show emotion doesn't mean he experiences it as much as anyone else. He is very emotional when we have sex, though, and I know he is very, very much physically attracted to me (he is pretty verbal about that).

It is hard!! I feel he is unhappy, when he insists he is not. I feel he does not love me as much, when he swears he does.

I think this crush stems from my need of attention and validation. I believe this person is giving me the attention that I feel am missing... but it has left me so confused. I'm picking up my boyfriend in a few hours, and we are looking forward to a long weekend together. I am so angsty about work on Monday.

So, you either need to just ignore it, and if that's not possible, allow yourself a silly fantasy but remember what's actually important at the same time.

This is what I have allowed so far. I'm not sure if it is the right thing to do, though. I have promised myself that I would not approach him, or make an effort to talk to him. I don't want to escalate beyond what it already is.

[blv]

Dark Inertia,

if your goals together are toward each other and for the relationship keep that in the forefront of all your conversations. your goal is to be together, if that is what you both want. be aware of what your saying to each other and what you want to get across. its good you mentioned this to him and he seems to handle it well and know it is human nature to "crush" on other people. if he wouldn't be comfortable with the way you two look at each other then you have to stop it. think if he told you there is a girl at his work and they stare at each other all the time. how would you feel? look at yourself and see where your heart really is.

it is harder in LDR to validate and keep attention on the other. both parties have to try a bit harder to let the other know how they feel. is there some way he could do this fo you? how would you like him to show he cares? he also has to be willing to try what you suggest. talk talk talk. be open and watch your feeling and thoughts when you do. dont get pulled into them and get upset or angry. keep love and the relationship first. problems secondary.

It is true that guys might not communicate emotions as well. verbally or any other way. some guys dont want the world to know how there feeling. he may just internalize what he feels and keeps it inside. but you say you, his family/friends know how he really is so what does it matter what others think? if he can show it to the one person he loves, then that it all that matters. I am like this. i dont show emotion unless it is a true feeling. many people fake emotions or get all harebrained when a small one comes up. show the deep real emotions to ones you love and let the surface fleeting ones go.

it is hard but all true relationships are. you got to put the time and effort in.

"It is hard!! I feel he is unhappy, when he insists he is not. I feel he does not love me as much, when he swears he does."

this is you projecting your feelings on him. watch your mind. it will make up all sorts of projections and problems that really are not even there. only in ones head. this is what you think he thinks. in a real relationship you have to trust what your partner tells you he/she is thinking and feeling. cant say it enough, open honest communication. and if you both truly love each other then love has to lead the communication.

good luck. make it a weekend to remember and to sort out what you two really want.

[Dark Inertia]

Well, the flirty guy and I had lunch together today. He would be incredibly bad for me in so many ways. So why am I still attracted to him?

Will update later...

[Kaius]

Sleep with him, and tell us how it goes. Since your LD relationship is ending this summer, its the perfect time to get hooked up. BTW how do you know you are breaking up this summer? Are you psychic or did you guys discuss it? Anyway, i encourage you to sexually flirt with the coworker, as you will learn to love youe job and continue to look forward to working every day. This is great for your career and your love life.

[Mr. Turtle]

Take your boyfriend home and take out your frustration about this on him. Maybe its the LDR that is starting to manifest into some type of feeling that makes you realize you need the attention. If you like/love this guy of yours, then this is just nature interjecting and trying to trip you up.

[Dark Inertia]

To clarify when I say my LDR is ending this summer it is because we are in discussions that he will move in with me upon his graduation. We are looking at no later than July.

So coworker and I ate lunch together today, which was our first formal introduction. He is a very nice person but what I learned is that he is quite the opposite of what I go for. Yes, it was a tense lunch... yes, it is obvious to me at this point that he likes me. That being said he has a lot of responsibility at home and I think it is hard on him which is probably why he smiles so sweetly at me. I think I could have been any girl that gave him attention and he would take notice.

I do think the LDR is taking its toll on me. When my bf is with me I am showered with attention... unfortunately he is more often NOT with me. I have always taken the LDR harder than him.

So when I got home from work today I hugged, kissed, and then screwed my boyfriend's brains out. I felt closer to him than ever, and yet sometimes I think about this other guy.

My boyfriend leaves on Sunday, and I won't see this guy again until Mon. I'm going to keep my guard up and set some personal boundaries. I wonder if me fretting about it somehow exacerbates the situation?

If you like/love this guy of yours, then this is just nature interjecting and trying to trip you up.

Mr. Turtle, this is an interesting thought. But if you could please explain more I'd appreciate it.

[Mr. Turtle]

This is exactly what I meant when I said take your frustration out on him (fox him until neither one of you have energy so much as to move, which it seems you did.)

To clarify what I meant by nature:

People don't realize that attraction is something humans can't fully control. Why are you attracted to your current bf? Can you really justify it? How come another guy or woman even hasn't grabbed your attention by doing the same thing? Its something hardwired into our brains that I personally don't think ever will be figured out or fully explained. Its kind of hard to explain as I don't even understand why we as people are attracted to things. Something behind the scenes tells us to go for it and I think its something that we suppress and brush off and come up with conclusions as to how and why we feel the way we do. The difference I feel between us and the animal instinct is that we are able to choose to stay committed. But if we truly had a choice in what attracted us, I don't think there would ever be a question about love or relationships or sex. I personally find it funny when people say "Not if you were the last person on earth" which is totally ridiculous because nature will take over, eventually you will find companionship in that person because the animal side of us takes over and wants to preserve life, not to mention if you were the last two, there would be no one else to compare to and the hardship would build a common bond anyway. Hence why trauma victims are very close when on the same side. Its human nature. But I'm a history major...What do I know.

[Dark Inertia]

Mr. Turtle, that makes sense from a very logical standpoint. It does make sense, but I think that reasoning could also be used to justify affairs, and we all know how wrong those are! But thank you very much for expanding on your thoughts.

As I knew would happen, our relationship is developing. The last few days we have spent a good deal of time together. I think the people in his dept. are starting to notice. When I walk up I see his co-workers look at me, and then look at him. It is kind of embarrassing, tbh.

Tonight we touched on what we thought about each other. Basically we both said that if things were different we would be interested in each other. Some of our conversations have been fairly intimate, like the failure of both of our marriages. I am trying to stay grounded! Because I know I am attracted to this person, and I do not want to start any kind of affair, physical or emotional.

Uggh, still so confused...

[Dark Inertia]

Still meeting this guy for lunch, breaks, and after work, still have not done anything beyond talking and light flirting. Still thinking about him incessantly which is annoying. My friends think I'm crazy, from the things I have told them about him they think I'm downgrading big time and he is trouble.

Last week he told me we couldn't hang out after work anymore because his girlfriend is getting suspicious. That is exactly how he phrased it, which threw me off because he made it sound like we are hooking up in the parking lot. So Monday and Tuesday we did not meet after work. Wednesday he stopped me as I was leaving. He walked me to my car, we talked for about 15 minutes, he says he wants me to wait for him after work again. I get the feeling come Monday he will change his mind again.

I don't understand what he wants from me and why I just can't walk away.

[MerryH]

I don't understand [...] why I just can't walk away.

Yeah, I don't understand it, either. You don't really seem to like your co-worker as a person all that much, and even your friends think he's not so great and that he's trouble. He just gives you attention that you like.

I think you should go back and carefully read what you've posted in this thread for the last few weeks, specifically things like this:

I have promised myself that I would not approach him, or make an effort to talk to him. I don't want to escalate beyond what it already is.

Since you posted that, you've been talking to him regularly and spending time with him privately. You are absolutely letting it escalate. What are you doing? Seriously, wtf are you doing? Do you even want a relationship with that co-worker? It really sounds like you don't and that it's not even a possibility. You really need to stop this, or just break up with your boyfriend.

And about your boyfriend, the long distance thing is only temporary. He'll be back soon, and you can rebuild a healthy relationship then. It's a couple of months. It's nothing. Just wait. And although he's not great at showing emotion or affection, it seems like he tries really really hard to be a good guy for you, and you "love him to the point of insanity" so again, I ask you, wtf are you doing?

You're ****ing up.

Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.

[xxazurexx]

^I agree. She should stop and before doing something she may regret.

Crushes are just that, crushes. And not worth risking a solid and stable relationship for.

[Corgan]

Its just a crush! You dont even know him! There is no way he is worth the risk of loosing someone you love. trust me. He could have a horrible personality. Plus, he might really love his girlfriend and just likes checking you out. Everyone gets crushes. Dont even worry about it.