I left him.. But cant stand the guilt.. :(

[JadenMia]

My boyfriend had become controlling, jealous and just very nasty toward me. It had been going on for a few months and was really becoming a problem. It turned from just having a nasty argument and name calling once a week or so, into being every night there would be comments and him calling me names.
The past few weekends we have had get togethers with friends and him drinking has only fuelled these mean streaks.. Every weekend now something will happen and he will blame everything on me, start raging and swearing and usually get very pushy with me.

This weekend was the last straw for me. Not only did he freak out on me, he wouldnt leave the place we were at. Lashed out on quite a few of our friends violently and ended up being arrested. I told him it was over on the saturday in which he was nasty all day over texts and calls. Then the sunday he completely changed his tune. Was sorry, depressed and asking for forgiveness.

This all being said he has been my best friend for a long time. He has shown me love i have never experienced before and i do truly love him. Like i do my family, i always worry about him, i care about him more than i can explain.

I chose not to see him all weekend and i had already moved out.. Yesterday he called me upset and asking if we could talk in person. I agreed even though i knew i shouldnt have. I just needed to see his face..
When i did go up to his house. He was very loving and said he just wanted to hold me.. It was the first time since friday i had felt happiness being in his arms. It was like this for a maximum of 1 hour. The loving conversations and crying turned into him getting upset and angry with me.. Bringing up past arguments, bringing up friday night saying he couldnt understand how disloyal i had been for leaving him to get arrested when i should have just gone home with him..
The night turned into hateful arguments and comments.. Our relationship is just toxic..

When i finally got up to leave he started crying and looking in my eyes.. It killed me, i could see the hurt in his eyes of how much he really just did not understand why this is happening.. When to me I cannot believe he doesnt see what he is doing.
I get the same feeling when i look in his eyes as i do when i look in my daughters eyes when she has scraped her knees.. It just hurts my heart so bad..

I know i have to leave. There is nothing left to stay for.. When people say just 'ditch him'.. 'kick him to the curb'.. I cannot just get up and leave him. It kills me inside and i cannot bear to hurt him..i am completely stuck.

I know i am going to leave him.. Im not staying with him, i cannot.
But please... Can someone just give me some advice on how to look at this situation?
Past experiences.. Anything.. I just need to talk to *someone* about it, instead of keeping inside me like this.
Its all just SO painful and completely tearing me apart.
When he texts or calls me telling me how much he loves me, i cant bring it up that i need to leave.. I feel SO guilty.

[reeba]

Why are you still in contact with this guy, such that you can see his tears and hurt in his eyes. You are dragging out the break up. You need to put your foot down and make this final.

First, tell him you are blocking him from your phone and texts.
Second, tell him you want nothing to do with him. I'm sure you have told him why you are breaking up, so there needs to be no discussion here.

[xxazurexx]

Has he never sought counselling for his problem?

All I have to say is this. If you decided to go back, things would probably be great for a while and then it would all resort back to 'same old, same old' and him treating you like shit again. A cycle that constantly repeats itself.
Things won't change and he won't change, until he's willing to seek some professional help and to resolve his issues.

[Romance More]

You already hit the nail on the head. to Quote You.... "Our relationship is just toxic.."

We all have to make tough choices in our lifetime. The only thing constant in life is change. We are givin opportunities to learn till the day we die. What we choose to do with those opportunities is completely our own decision. But they will always be there. Closing a relationship whether it is healthy or toxic is never easy there are always feelings and emotions invovled. But this is the time we grow as a person. SO accept that you will feel sadness and some pain. But it is not as much sadness and pain compared ot if you stay. I wish I could wave my hand and free you of that suffering, but if I could and did, then I would be robbing you of your growth moment, and that would be a crime.

We also have to take a look at our own part in this type of relationship. What I mean is, why was I attracted to this type of personality? WHy was this person attracted to me? Looking back at all of my past relationships, and there are many of them before I met the one, I could see a pattern of the women I was with. That made me think about the common denominator (ME).

As I looked closely at my own personality, I began to see the defects in my own character that I was oblivious to (becuase who wants to see their own issues), and it was those defects that the wrong personalities were honing in on. Once I decided to correct those personalities, I discovered that those personalities were not coming to me anymore, and that in fact, a whole new class of women began to be attracted to me. It was amazing the change...

See we attract our own sickness or health. codependants attract addicts and abusers, etc... People can pick up on certain things without even noticing it.

If you want to end that cycle of finding those types of people, then start looking at yourself closely. If you are honest with yourself, you will uncover fairly quickly what it is about you that isnt completely healthy or up to your own standards. You know what I mean you will see it as something like "I am too giving, even to my own detriment" or something.

Pick your head up, focus on you, and the right one that appreciated the wonderfuil woman you really are will find you and appreciate you. And you will be able to share your happiness with someone special. (notice I said share your happiness... You will never find happiness in someone else. It comes from inside you.)

[JadenMia]

Thanks for the responses..

And thankyou Romance More.. I know i needed to leave which i have.. I try to ignore him its just hard sometimes to not reply to his texts when hes upset. I realise dragging it out is probably worse than my intentions also..
I just love him so much its killing me. Im on the verge of tears every second of the day and as soon as my head hits the pillow the tears come streaming.. I miss him terribly already and i just feel SO ill, i cant eat.. i cant laugh or smile. I feel dead..

I know i need the change in my life. Its a big problem of mine that i seem terrified of change and i like to stay in my comfort zone..
When he tells me that he will change, that i am making a big mistake.. That he wanted a family and to settle down.. It hurts.. Why has he not told me before.. or at least give me hope and something to look forward to in the future.. I just have a horrible feeling he might get better or change and i will have made a mistake for not sticking it out..
And i know he's a bad guy.. I know im leaving him. The discussion i was wanting was just some insight and advice on my pain and different ways to look at it instead of how it feels right now.

I should block him from my phone or something.. But the thought of absolutely no way of ever speaking to him.. a wall to communication that permanent just scares me.
I have just never felt this way in my life.. ugh

[JadenMia]

Has he never sought counselling for his problem?

All I have to say is this. If you decided to go back, things would probably be great for a while and then it would all resort back to 'same old, same old' and him treating you like shit again. A cycle that constantly repeats itself.
Things won't change and he won't change, until he's willing to seek some professional help and to resolve his issues.

He has never sought counselling of any sort either.. He doesnt think he is doing anything wrong at all.. He said 'everybody loses their temper.. Gimme a break'..
He is a pot head. Smokes weed constantly. I dont think its a bad thing as such and dont judge anyone that does, but i think its wrong and concerning that he is never sober. When he drinks he drinks ALOT.

I think practising sobriety may be the first thing he should do. He said weed calms him down and when he doesnt he feels stressed and angry. I have to admit, him stoned is way easier to deal with than him sober.. Yet it is not a lifestyle i agree with and want around me.

[xxazurexx]

Ok, well my bro smokes pot and since he started too he has terrible mood swings and an uncontrollable temper.

It can also make people paranoid, so I've heard.

Never dabbled in it myself so I wouldn't know.

[JadenMia]

Ok, well my bro smokes pot and since he started too he has terrible mood swings and an uncontrollable temper.

It can also make people paranoid, so I've heard.

Never dabbled in it myself so I wouldn't know.

Aye, that it does. Smoked it quite a bit when i was a teen.. It is awful mood swings and just right snappy is all i can explain it.
Like the other week some veg fell out of a veg tray i bought from the store when he tried opening it. He completey lost it.. I just sat and watched him.. It was unbelievable a few tomatoes on the floor could upset him as much as it did!! lol

[xxazurexx]

I think he needs 'anger management' sessions. Mention it to him. If he wants to work it out with you, he will look into it.