Isn't it just a bit too soon!?!

[max26]

I'm a 36 year old man and I'm recently divorced--it's been 3 years. I recently (this summer) started dating a 28 year old woman who's never been married.

After only a little more than two months of us dating she asked me if I would ever want to get married again. I brushed off her question.

Then she asked me again a couple weeks later and I blew up! How could she possibly think I wanted to get married again after a shitty recent divorce? And why would she ask me this after two months?

She says the needed to know cause eventually she wants to get married and have a family. So I told her I didn't know just to keep her from asking me.

She also asked me when we started to date if I wanted kids! I told her if it happens, it happens.

She never mentioned either subject again except once when we were talking about 5 year goals. And she said "Own a house, thinking about starting a family."

She recently broke up with me because she wanted to talk about an issue we were having (I didn't feel like having sex any more), and I didn't want to talk about it.

After she broke up with me she told me she loved me and that she was always afraid to say anything good or bad to me about how she was feeling in our relationship after I blew up at the "do I want to be marriage again" discussion.

Does she not understand that by laying it on so think she ended up scaring me? Asking me what my marriage/ kids goals were, telling me she loves me... it makes it seem like she wanted a roadmap to a relationship instead of actually having one. That she was more interested in where a relationship was going rather than what it actually was. That's scary, especially given my past.

Right?

[Charisma]

Regardless of your life experience, this woman wants marriage and wants kids.

She's asking you to judge your opinion. Sure you don't want asked, but when is a good time to ask you? 2 years later.....5 years later...10 years later??? If she's asking, then it's something important to her, and *I don't know* will not suffice. Yes, even after 2 months, women are judging if there's any point in staying if her long term desires aren't gonna be met.

If it bothers you, then you will need to explain to this woman, even though you know it will not make her happy. You aren't in this relationship only for the things you want, and if you can't expect her to pyschically know when it's suitable for you to mention marriage. It's not fair on her.

[HeartIsAching]

First off, three years ago, isn't recent. It's not unreasonable for her to think that a sufficient amount of time has passed that you could (not will or are, but could) think about that sort of thing.

What WAS too short was the 2 month interval between starting to date, and her question. That's very pushy.

[max26]

[What WAS too short was the 2 month interval between starting to date, and her question. That's very pushy]

Thank you! Totally uncalled for right? And all it does is scare me away anyway.

[xxazurexx]

Perhaps she is looking for answers to these kinds of questions and to save wasting time on a man who doesn't want, what she does eventually.

[80r]

I disagree. I'm a male and I'm more interested in long-term partners than short-term. I don't want to stay in a relationship just because it's good enough, when I know it won't work long term. She's trying to find out if the relationship is a waste of her time. I think that's fine.

[GK001]

she obviously wants a serious relationship with you like all women around that age will do!? her question is very reasonable. why do i have the feeling that your just in it for the physical attraction cos shes young and tight who makes you feel better about yourself?
if you don't want to get married perhaps you should find a woman thats closer to your age who went through the same thing?

[max26]

[I'm a male and I'm more interested in long-term partners than short-term. I don't want to stay in a relationship just because it's good enough, when I know it won't work long term.]

I was interestedin long-term, just not marriage. And not talking about long term. Why can't we just be happy to be together today? I don't get it.

[Charisma]

Sometimes women- or me at least- bring up those things to find out where they stand. Should they expect marriage, should they expect kids, are there differences in the way yous see relationships.

I remember asking a guy who texted me a lot if he actually thought about dating me. He started saying yeah yeah, and how he liked me for ages, blah blah, but it seemed strangely sudden, and sure enough it turned out he just wanted to be flirty in texts. I was at that point not even bothered about him only wanting to flirt, but it peeved me to think he lied to me to probably keep me happy.

In contrast, I've been annoyed at men being adamant they don't want a relationship, only to be casual, and at the time I hated them for it. Only to later realise they were honest and didn't tell me what I wanted to hear or make promises they wouldn't have kept.

I find that 2 or 3 months is the first stage of people knowing if they don't wanna stick around, but I only say that from experience, not worldly knowledge.

[JadenMia]

I completely agree with Charisma here..

A woman has every right to know where she stands in a relationship. Her asking about if you are ready for marriage and kids etc.. Is not exactly meaning she isnt happy with you at the moment. To me it sounds like she likes you enough and sees you as a prime partner for marriage and a family etc.. That should make you happy if you are serious with her.
I asked my boyfriend of a year and half whether he was ready for that kind of stuff and he said the EXACT same things you are saying to her. 'Why cant we just be happy together now' he would say.. Him avoiding to answer the question i asked him indicated that no he was not ready.. And us being together was enough for him.

You just said you are not interested in marriage .. Tell her the truth and let her find what she wants and needs in life.

[MerryH]

Why are you so withholding? You weren't honest with her and clammed up when she wanted to talk about important things. It makes you sound immature and selfish. You shouldn't have blown up at her when she asked you if you see marriage in your future. She wasn't proposing to you or pressuring you, she was just trying to see if it could be a possibility. Why should she waste time with you if your goals don't match up?

[Horseyguy]

Yeah I agree, I see nothing wrong with her asking the question either.

Had the same happen to me and I just figured she was sussing out the potential for the relationship.

At the end of the day if you dont want the same in the relationship it's a problem. Doesn't really matter so much in casual dating but if you want to be in a long term relationship and you have made that known, then questions like this are worth asking early.

If I was her and looking for a solid long term relationship I'd be concerned about your reaction to be honest

[max26]

Thanks everyone. I emailed her to tell her I want to talk. But she wants me to call, I don't know why I can't just do it. But if she really wants to talk, she'll call right?

I don't know why I can't just call her. It's so hard for me to talk about feelings.

[Horseyguy]

Max, work out what it is you really want and then pick up the phone for gods sake.

You can't email this out, and if you leave it to her to call, what message are you sending her?

Call her, tell her how you feel and try work it out, she might not like the conversation and you might find it awkward having it but at least she will respect you for calling and trying to sort it out.

And are you sure she is the right person for you, and are you actually ready for a full on relationship right now? I get the impression that you are not. No idea how long you were married for but if you are still mixed up about a divorce that happened 3 years ago maybe you haven't really put it behind you yet.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Don't bother calling her. You talk about your divorce like it was last month. Get over it, then start dating again.