More questions and advice needed?

[HeartIsAching]

I know, its a very hard situation as even if i dont mean ay harm, it obviously causes my partner concerns..

I do understand where he is coming from, I am alway smiling, i am definitely not over friendly with men i dont know. But with friends i know i could probably turn it down a notch. With friends, a 'hello' hug seems the norm for me, to him its a huge deal, so i am planning on not doing that also. I will never 'touch' other men like hands on shoulder, waist etc.. It sometimes can be laughing with another man will drive him crazy too, so i will keep conversations with men down to 5 minutes max so good idea thanks
I am just wanting to know i can not possibly do anymore to please him. Because if he still complains when i have done my true best efforts when we are out together then i know nothing i will do will ever please him. And i would rather not change my ways for him to still complain at me..
He is very jealous and doesnt trust me at all which is what we are trying to work on. He does want to know what im doing at all times, which i dont mind too much as i see it as being temporary while he fixes his trust issues and i shw him he can trust me. If it continues for months to come then i will be worried..
The only way he explained it is, it can be as little as a look i give men that gives them the wrong impression which i think is totally overboard.I am not too sure of how to fix that as i do not know what look he is talking about.. LOL But if i get everything else i order i dont see the problem.

Smackie, i do agree sadly. He is insecure and controlling. But i do truly love him. I know deep down he is an amazing person and i see that when we are together having our laughs.. I understand how it may look to people that i let him walk all over me. Maybe i do, but i do want to know i have done everything in my power to help our relationship, that way if it doesnt work, it doesnt get better i will know i am free to walk away with no regrets about us and i can move forward. Whether he begs and pleads or not, i will know that there is nothing i can do to make us work so he will be a lost cause.

JadenMia - THIS SHIT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

It's not your problem. It's his. You're NOT "too friendly" or "too flirty" etc... his insecurity is driving this and will always drive it. No matter what you do. You could wind up never leaving the house and he'd end up being suspiscious of how you spoke to the pizza delivery boy. Seriously. It's not you.

[courtney90]

Yes, he gets very extreme when we are drinking only. When we are not drinking he is fine actually. He may mention something once in a while if he is sober but if he is drinking forget that. He is a very aggressive drunk.
I didnt leave him though, i just cannot. I fall for his every word and cannot stand to see him upset which he was very upset the day after this happened. I forgave him. Yes, i know i am allowing this behaviour.. Its my own stupid fault if i get hurt.. I know.

And the only thing that has ever happened wit us regarding other men and what not.. Was in October last year we had yet another bad night out, and he went to extremes i couldnt stand. I left him (i thought for good) and we didnt speak for weeks.. Probably around 2-3 months all in all. During that time i met another man. We had a fling for around 4 weeks.. I didnt have too much feelings for him.. It was more in efforts to forget about my partner.. It didnt work.. I left the guy i was seeing even though he was a very nice man.
I didnt tell my partner about this until after we had started speaking again. Which is when he asked for me back and we started to meet up again and it slowly happened from then. He knew i had been with this other man and i knew it really hurt him.

If i would have known me and my partner were going to get back i would have never done it and i cant change nothing now so i just hoped for the best and got back with him. This is why i have been trying to build his trust up again so we can be back at peace and in a trusting relationship as we do not have right now.. It has been ever since then he has been extremely jealous, but he has always been a jealous guy. ever since he first said i love you has he become very protective..

I can't understand for the life of me why you feel the need to earn his trust back??? You were broken up with him..I realize that you say if you would have known you two you were going to get back together you would have never gotten with the other guy but why do you feel you need to earn his trust back??? It really sounds like this is never going to end with him. I know you love him but you deserve so much better...I mean no one deserves to be in a relationship like this. I think if you leave him then maybe he will realize what he had and then hopefully he will change for the better if you decided to get back with him.

[AirbenderAang]

You have just found a deal breaker. His goal is for you to cater to his every conscious and unconscious whim and he is not going to stop until he molds you to a caricature of yourself. If you stay with him
I guarantee you will end up like Heartisaching said.

"You could wind up never leaving the house and he'd end up being suspiscious of how you spoke to the pizza delivery boy. Seriously. It's not you."

The question is are you going to wise up? If so, when?

[hello1]

I am a very insecure girlfriend to my boyfriend. Very insecure. You properly made him worse as you slept with someone else on your break, I can understand why that make him more jealous.

But he would be like this to anyone, he would be insecure with any woman he was with. Its all in his head and he is so afraid of you betraying him he is trying to stop it from happening, I know because I do it though I know it is crazy. If someone going to cheat, they cheat. He needs to get some help really and it is up too you if you can handle it, you need to start sticking up for yourself before he gets worse and starts controlling what you wear, when you go out etc. I can understand what going on in his head and he can't help it and will not stop unless you do something drastic.

[RockNRoll]

I hate seeing how you fool yourself and accept being abused - I see it getting only worse. How much longer will you stay in this misery?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Just obey his commands stop bitching to us about it. Your relationship will last forever if you just listen to him.

[JadenMia]

Stop kidding yourself.

You're not in a fair or equal relationship.

You can sit here calling it love, and try to make it work all you want. Isn't going to change anything for you. You're not going to be happy, or stop fighting untill he's got your turned into a broken, obedient girl.

He can't be all flirty and close with women, and expect you to not even look, or talk to guys. It's controlling, and it's going to end in therapy, a bottle, or prescriptions.

I understand what your saying.. Deep down i know this, im not stupid as in being naive.. I am just stupid for staying with him..
But he does make me happy in all other ways. Apart from when we go out our relationship is amazing, we have this incredibly strong bond and i know he wouldnt try to hurt me when his emotions havnt taken over... Which i understand because i do stupid things when my emotions take over... When i think about it, i dont want to be like this forever. I would like to be in a strong relationship in which i could look to my partner to stick by me and understand me and any situation we were in. And most of all believed what i say.
But again, i am not happy when i leave, he is not happy.. And i am in love with him. No matter what anyone says and i know he is in love with me back. We are in love.. But our love is just too intense, its almost like we cannot handle how we feel for each other..
I have never felt this way before and its hard to explain. But i am crazy about him.. And i cant bring myself to leave, so i know im probably going to hold on to him until that is not an option.
I have a feeling its going to end in horrible heart break.. And at all times of doubt, i do have him to hold me and let me know he cares..
Blah. I dont know. The situation is completely f*cked.

[SelflessnHumble]

I know, its a very hard situation as even if i dont mean ay harm, it obviously causes my partner concerns..

I do understand where he is coming from, I am alway smiling, i am definitely not over friendly with men i dont know. But with friends i know i could probably turn it down a notch. With friends, a 'hello' hug seems the norm for me, to him its a huge deal, so i am planning on not doing that also. I will never 'touch' other men like hands on shoulder, waist etc.. It sometimes can be laughing with another man will drive him crazy too, so i will keep conversations with men down to 5 minutes max so good idea thanks
I am just wanting to know i can not possibly do anymore to please him. Because if he still complains when i have done my true best efforts when we are out together then i know nothing i will do will ever please him. And i would rather not change my ways for him to still complain at me..
He is very jealous and doesnt trust me at all which is what we are trying to work on. He does want to know what im doing at all times, which i dont mind too much as i see it as being temporary while he fixes his trust issues and i shw him he can trust me. If it continues for months to come then i will be worried..
The only way he explained it is, it can be as little as a look i give men that gives them the wrong impression which i think is totally overboard.I am not too sure of how to fix that as i do not know what look he is talking about.. LOL But if i get everything else i order i dont see the problem.

Smackie, i do agree sadly. He is insecure and controlling. But i do truly love him. I know deep down he is an amazing person and i see that when we are together having our laughs.. I understand how it may look to people that i let him walk all over me. Maybe i do, but i do want to know i have done everything in my power to help our relationship, that way if it doesnt work, it doesnt get better i will know i am free to walk away with no regrets about us and i can move forward. Whether he begs and pleads or not, i will know that there is nothing i can do to make us work so he will be a lost cause.

Look, JadenMia...I think you're a sweet girl and you still have that quality about you many women don't have anymore
sadly, because of people like Me, and your boyfriend...

I once met a gorgeously beautiful, unassuming, humble, compassionate little Filipina girl...
When I was done with her...I stripped her away of ALL of those qualities I can see in you now.

When all was said and done: she became a product of my jealousy/abuse:
angry, bitter, insecure, had the lowest self esteem, contempt for other people's happiness, mumbling under her breathe
and since me? She always has to ask the guy she's with, "Do you love me?" And, "where are you?" If he runs late
because of what I did to her: and what she allowed me to do...When she gets a compliment from a guy?
"Yeah Right!" is what she says. Then when he tells her he loves her: she says, "You don't love me."

It's really sad.

You can look in her eyes right now...and only see a shadow of what she used to be.

I know you feel he is a great guy who does bad things...But each time you allow him to act out
his selfish bullshit: and you fall for it: you are slowly drifting away into his world: where everything YOU do comes under
close scrutiny and ridicule, while no one ever puts him in check.

What you wrote to Smackie:
When do you realize this ship has sunk? When do you walk away? When you are emotionally dead and empty?

[JadenMia]

I just read all the other posts. Thanks to everyone for the input.
I know it is his insecurity that drives him to be this way.. Which is sometimes hard to believe as he would be the last person i would think to be insecure, but he is.
I understand everyone thinks i am completely nuts to stay with him... lol My girlfriends look at me in amazement sometimes and i can see it in their faces, just how much they cannot believe why i do this to myself. Maybe i am nuts, because i know all this. But i just cannot stand to be away from him. He is my life, i do love him and believe it or not he does love me back. It is evident everytime we are together, he holds me like nobody ever has. Other than when we are out he treats me like i am the only girl he has ever loved.. And i do love it. I love every second im with him, and when im away from him, i wish i was back with him. It is crazy...I know. And i know this isnt how i should think about our relationships. It should be everytime he has hurt me, or knocked me so low i just want to top myself. But i dont ever remember that.. Its only ever the good times i remember..

I can say that i would love to be strong enough to just get up and leave him, boy would that be the life.
But its hard for people to understand how it is when i leave him.
So let me just explain that its not as easy as everyone makes it out to be.

He makes a big deal about it, we live in such a small town that everyonehe knows our business because he goes out and gets drunk to try get over me..
He has lived here all his life whereas i moved to Canada 2 years ago. Everybody just loves him, great guy, so much fun..etc..
The last time we broke up, he told everyone how much i hurt him, he went completely off the rails and was at the locals bars every night. Where he proceeded to tell everyone that i had ditched him and left him and broken his heart. Everyone in town hated on me, everywhere i went with my girlfriend there would be someone with comments toward me. I even got punched from behind when i went out for my dads birthday. Luckily all my family was there to break it all up but it was horrible. And believe me it only got worse when i met someone else and started seeing him regularly.
My partner found out everywhere i went, and would come just to cause drama. The first night we went out together as a group with my 'new friends'. My boyfriend was there waiting for us. He jumped my new partner and started fighting all over the streets with him. So we had to leave anyway. We decided to go out the next week and the exact same thing happened so we couldnt go out anymore anywhere. So we just stayed home all the time.
From then on, everyone knew me as a 'slut'. I got phonecalls every weekend with people calling me 'whore', 'dirty' etc..
Constant texts from my partner even when i was at work telling me how stupid i was, dirty i was, how much better he had got now. If there is something i am insecure about it is my body. After having a baby my body just isnt the same anymore. So after telling me about the 'hot chicks' he had met since we split and how my body looked and i qoute 'like a 10 year old boys body'.. It got me down more and more and didnt even make it to work on a morning because i just couldnt stop crying.

My dad found me one afternoon at home so devastated he called my partner up and asked to stop the childish behaviour which he did tone it down.
Nobody wanted to know me. All my friends are HIS friends that i had met since being with him. I had nobody, which then caused me to resort to coming here for advice and some input.
So please, before you tell me i am crazy and foolish for being with him and not leaving. Please understand what my life was like when i did leave him. It was pure f*cking hell for me.

After being alone for a few weeks completely miserable and broke, we started speaking in a civilized manner. I told him i was sorry for ever hurting him. He said the same. He promised he would be good to me and everything would go back to normal. Believe me, thats all i wanted. So we got back together.
Everyone still knows me as the girl who f*cks around. Its so frustrating as they have no idea what goes on.. Only a few select people do who have seen it happen who tell me they would be there for me if anything was to happen again.

Now, my life is pretty normal. I go to work, enjoy coming home to my daughter every night and it is evident she enjoys her happy mummy back. I go to sleep happy and peaceful, i go to work happy. Things are good. I am expecting a HUGE amount of money in the next 6 months, so maybe when that comes through i can get out of this place and maybe back home to England. Which i miss dearly, my friends and family are their, i never got treated like this at home..

And before anybody thinks i come here for sympathy.. I do NOT. I come here because i have nobody else to speak to about this stuff. I like to at least get it out of my system because it makes me feel better than keeping it all to myself. And i also like to try and get advice to make my current life better.. See if i can make things in my relationship better. Again, i do love my partner dearly even though i clearly shouldnt. I do and i cant help feeling this way about him. When i am with him and behaving like a girlfriend should he does treat me well. He makes me feel loved most of the time and although i should just look for long term happiness right now, i feel like temporary happiness is all im going to get right now so i settle..
I hope that someone will understand why i do the things i do.. If not, then.. you obviously will think i am loony. lol

So if people dont like reading my posts, then just dont bother reading them. Its pretty simple. I just like to come here to talk to other people about it, and i am *extremely* thankful for those who are patient and kind to me

[SelflessnHumble]

All that you just wrote= MAJOR POOR ASS EXCUSES to allow yourself to be a victim, nothing more...

You are loony, girl, and I don't say that with a smile on my face either It's pretty pathetic.


Normal relationship:
When I am with him and behave like a girl should: he treats me well
When I am with him and I falter: he communicates with me and shows me love, patience understanding and shows me he is there for me even when I'm not perfect.


You just admitted to settling: There is nothing more to say to you:
You're lost, brainwashed, psychologically abused and NO ONE is going to help you.

While you say you don't look for sympathy: you are looking for someone to coddle you and support your shit decision making. Not me.

[JadenMia]

Look, JadenMia...I think you're a sweet girl and you still have that quality about you many women don't have anymore
sadly, because of people like Me, and your boyfriend...

I once met a gorgeously beautiful, unassuming, humble, compassionate little Filipina girl...
When I was done with her...I stripped her away of ALL of those qualities I can see in you now.

When all was said and done: she became a product of my jealousy/abuse:
angry, bitter, insecure, had the lowest self esteem, contempt for other people's happiness, mumbling under her breathe
and since me? She always has to ask the guy she's with, "Do you love me?" And, "where are you?" If he runs late
because of what I did to her: and what she allowed me to do...When she gets a compliment from a guy?
"Yeah Right!" is what she says. Then when he tells her he loves her: she says, "You don't love me."

It's really sad.

You can look in her eyes right now...and only see a shadow of what she used to be.

I know you feel he is a great guy who does bad things...But each time you allow him to act out
his selfish bullshit: and you fall for it: you are slowly drifting away into his world: where everything YOU do comes under
close scrutiny and ridicule, while no one ever puts him in check.

What you wrote to Smackie:
When do you realize this ship has sunk? When do you walk away? When you are emotionally dead and empty?

This is probably the only thing that does scare me.. I dont know when i will realise fully of what i am doing, or when my time comes to leave him.. I know i am waiting for something to show me, but i just dont know what.
Maybe when i get on my own 2 feet with money i will feel stronger and less dependant on him.
I just wish i could talk to him about this and him understand..Because he does love me, i see it in him. He just acts outrageously because he cant handle it..
Maybe i will sit him down and try to explain this to him. Or im thinking of even showing some of my posts to him..Hopefully he will see he is being out of order and treating me this way.. And maybe will stop..

[JadenMia]

Ugh.
I just dont know then. I just dont know what else to do :'(

[SelflessnHumble]

This is probably the only thing that does scare me.. I dont know when i will realise fully of what i am doing, or when my time comes to leave him.. I know i am waiting for something to show me, but i just dont know what.
Maybe when i get on my own 2 feet with money i will feel stronger and less dependant on him.
I just wish i could talk to him about this and him understand..Because he does love me, i see it in him. He just acts outrageously because he cant handle it..
Maybe i will sit him down and try to explain this to him. Or im thinking of even showing some of my posts to him..Hopefully he will see he is being out of order and treating me this way.. And maybe will stop..

Take it from me: you show him posts....from other dudes?
He is going to jump off the deep end...run like a sissy and tell the entire province you live in about it.
He makes you look bad so he can look like the victim even though you are.

What to do? Only you can decide.
I'm telling you: he's a vampire, sucking the life out of you.

I was very good at doing this to girls because: you are truly nice and sweet.
Don't let him ruin who you are: just because you are with him via a matter of convenience.

See you can't tell me: "he really does love me" then say, "but he just acts out outrageously because he can't handle it..." <----------Copout, and a bullshit excuse you have bargained with yourself
so you don't have to actually face the truth.

I know. I've been you and have been him in past relationships.
Both sides are in the wrong here. There is no right.

Move back in with your family who unconditionally loves you.
He doesn't. He cannot give you what he has never discovered nor been shown previously: it's true.

[JadenMia]

Hmm, true. He will probably go mad if i tell him what i have been speaking about..
He will see it as a betrayal. For sure..

I am going to really try think of this and ignore my feelings for him. I let my heart and feelings get in the way of everything, that would be okay if i was really loved by him. But i am not am i? Does it really sound from what i tell you guys that he doesnt love me? I hold on to him because of the fact that he loves me.. Or what i think he does.

Do i just from now on completely ignore him? Do i wait for him to do something wrong and say thats it?
What is the best way to go about getting out of this..?

Him and his friend have met this girl. Supposedly its his friend that is with her.. But she is married with 2 kids and 31 years old. Its makes me so suspicious when they go out with her.. Why does she want to hang out with 21 year olds when she has kids at home.. Hmm. Well tomorow she has asked them both to go the city with her. I said i wasnt comfortable with him hanging out with someone like this.. But he said he is going because he needs to go get a new passport. I know he is going to go behind my back and go anyway. I would never be allowed to do anything like this.. So should i just wait to see if he goes or not, and then just leave him?

If i just leave him out of the blue, he will be heartbroken and will not drop it. If i leave him when he has done something wrong i can feel like i have something to stick by when he tries to talk me out of it.
Do you have any advice on what to say to him about all this, that i have spoken about on here?

Whenever i come on here it makes me so angry at myself for letting him get the better of me.. I want to get out of this, live how i should be living right now.. I really want to do this.
I know il be fine on my own, im not completely sure what it is that scares me so much to be away from him.
I think its seeing him with someone else other than me. As i can guarantee i will see it as soon as we are done.. Ugh this is going to sting..

[SelflessnHumble]

Look, we all can see you are emotionally attached to this guy...He knows it better than us; and uses it to his advantage.
You don't leave someone out of the blue...Today: take the first step in reclaiming who you are!

Step 1: Write down all the things he does that deep down you do not agree with nor appreciate.
Better to have them memorized but writing them down: then reading it back to yourself may widen your eyes a little..

Step 2: is to catch him when he isn't busy or preoccupied...And sit, down: talk to him: not emotionally irrational (which will give him the excuse
to up and leave, call you names and refuse to address your concerns) Instead:

Sit him down, grab his hand, and look him in the eye with assertiveness, and determination yet speak to him in a calm, inviting tone.
You aren't doing this to scold him or slap his wrist; you are pleading humbly to your lover that while you want a relationship that is
lasting, meaningful and truthful, you aren't willing to sacrifice yourself to get it from him...

Tell him how far you've come being together and even though you've had ups and downs....you have chosen him as the one for you.
Ask him are you the one for him? Ask him what are his thoughts about how you feel when he __________ (be specific) but non threatening.

Your goal is to speak about what he does (as his choice) to you: and how it affects you and makes you feel...See that?
If he can't even man up to what he has chosen to do: it means he doesn't respect you, let alone love you PERIOD.

If he has trouble manning up: turn the heat from low, to mid: don't allow his bullshit to push you away because
this is what a coward does: he uses side stepping shit to stop you from addressing how you feel so that HE does not have
to deal with you and your legit issues....'

You don't give silent treatment, you don't avoid him, and don't play games...
You confront him face to face, man to woman and tell him how you feel.

He does NOT love you is what I am saying.
A woman going out while she has two children at home (to me) is a horrible mother.
Worse, he has no business going out with her while he has YOU, right? So what is the issue here?

He gets to do whatever he wants, while you have to tip toe through the tulips just to avoid pissing him off, because
when he's not an asshole jerk off, "he's a really nice guy?" Tell me that doesn't sound crazy?

I know if you want equality you're going to have to stand up for yourself.
If he chooses not to validate your concerns? It's time to ask yourself what is the real motivation for you staying?
Is it sex? Is it the feeling he gives you? I don't see love anywhere written on any of these posts when discussing him. Do you?