Girlfriend wants a break.

[iidannyii]

Okay guys, it's complicated. I'm new to all of this and I'm really looking for some advice.

Here's the background!

Me and my Girlfriend have been together for 3.5 years. We've been through thick and thin, and always emerged together.

A few weeks ago though, she asked me the question "Daniel, Where are we going?"

I replied with "Well, Abigail. You're not ready for marriage just yet, so I guess i'm just waiting for you to be".

After this, she was silent. I knew something was terribly wrong.

The next day, she asked "Daniel, I think we need a break. What do you think? I'm at the stage where I need to know if you are the one for me, to spend the rest of my life with."

I was all up for this, as I do know deep down in my heart, Love will always find a way. If it's meant to be, it will be. If not, well i guess we were better off.

This is where it gets ugly, there is some other guy that is on her case.

She sees him regularly, leaves me early in the afternoon to go and see him etc. It really seems like she's more interested in this other guy, than with me.

When she's with me; she always tells me "I love you so damn much." "You're amazing". "We're going to pull through this. I know it". Today, she said to me, she is 100000000% certain that she will come back to me, stronger than ever, and I can quote that. This really confuses me.

Also, she regularly tells me that she is feeling really good about her and I, and that every passing day is getting harder for her without me.

Now, I know they have already kissed, and that was a part of our agreement persay; She promised me, no touching. I know she's not like that either. She wouldn't whore herself out while she still loves and wants to come back to me.

She talks to me regularly, telling me that when she kisses him; she imagines that its me. Whenever she sees something related to me; it kills her because it reminds her of me.

After writing these paragraphs, it really seems that she just wants to keep me around just in case it doesn't work out with him. I want to believe something else, and it's ridiculously hard.

She has assured me that this fling with the other guy, is strictly so she can decide whether i'm the one.

I know he's up to no good. He's done this before to another couple... Pursued her until she left her boyfriend to be with him. Obviously, it didnt work out between them. He wakes up in the morning on gutters after big nights out. He just seems like that kind of person. Always goes out, is always at music festivals, and hangs around with people that do nothing but party. It infuriates me that she would even want to spend a minute with him, when compared to me. I stay in, don't cause trouble. Get trampled on and don't give a crap. I'm just the kind of person that loves what he has, and nothing else can ruin me.

I always gave her everything I could, was always there for her when she needed me... And every time she sees me, she tells me "Daniel, you are so perfect. You're too good for me". etc

I've read articles, watched youtube videos; and they have all hinted the "No Communication Method".

I'm doing it, starting from this second.

I told her today, i'm going to dissapear for a while. Was this a bad move? Now that she expects that i'm going to be out of sight, she knows that eventually i'll be back... I wont be out of reach forever. Which essentially eliminates the whole reason of doing this.

We are best friends, have been for a very long time. Have a long history together; went to primary school together for 6 years, didn't see her for a few years, then got talking to her when we were in high-school. Our friendship blossomed, and eventually a relationship came of it. She tested me, day after day; and I always stood by her. Lied to me, did god awful things; but I always came around. After 6 months of us, she came clean; I forgave it, and she has been trusting and loyal ever since.

Anyway, that's all I can think of for now.

I just need some strategies, in order for her to miss me so much she comes running back. Or to even highten the chances of this occuring.

Thankyou very much guys, I hope I can get some advice and get the ball rolling, down this ridiculously hard path. I just hope it will all be worth it!

[Bo]

Holy moly, i can't even count how many things are wrong with this relationship.

First off, you shouldn't have told her you're going to disappear for a while, 'it screams look at me i want attention!'

Second of all why the hell are you tolerating her canoodling with some dude and kissing on him and then going to you? GRoss!

Third, You're saying she's been faithful since, uhm isn't she cheating on you now?

Fourth, her excuse for being with this guy is SUPER lame and YOU are a dumbass for ACCEPTING the excuse, really?

*palm to the forehead.

[iidannyii]

Just a quick update.

She IS loyal to me. The reason she started "Canoodling" with this fella, is because she said she wants to experience a little more; before she settles, and I agreed to that. While it hurts, I do understand her point of view. Thats my own fault, please don't think shes a slut or similar. She didn't start touching him and what not; he made the first move.

Anyway,

I called her not long ago, and we talked it out- after I read your reply Bo.

I said, it's wrong that your doing this with somebody else; and still wanting to be with me.

She sounded like she understood where I was coming from, and knew it was wrong for her to be doing that so to speak. She then agreed to a "No Outside Contact" break between us.

She also told him from her own accord tonight, that she would be getting back with me; which gives her and I some merit in all of this. She really must want to salvage us.

We're going to discuss our boundaries during the break tonight, and get this going.


I'm new to all of this, and in saying that; i've been a down right mess.

How do I go about this break? What are the best ways to do it, and will give the quickest and best results?

I know it differs from person to person; but any advice from people that have done this and come out happy and strong will be VERY much appreciated!

[Dolmetscher]

Okay... here is what I think. First of all... you are obviously a kind and gentle-hearted man. The amount of thought you put into your relationship is on par with any girl's wildest fantasy man.

But here's the deal. You are OVER-thinking everything. Just the shear length of your posts are a testament to the fact that your mind is all over the place and is trying to process IT ALL. You can't. You will never know what she is thinking. You will never know what her motivation for anything is. Stop trying. And the sooner you stop trying, the better. It is a hard thing for guys like you to do, because you have spent your entire life trying to "handle" everything.

You can't HANDLE this!!!

You literally have two options... be IN the relationship, or be OUT of the relationship. There is no warm and fuzzy "space" or "break time" or any of that other jazz. I can promise you one thing from the bottom of my heart. You have been doing something wrong, she feels it, and she is looking for a way out. She is too weak to make a clean break, so she is asking for you to fade into the background and support her until she can move on with someone else.

Now, I know your forehead is probably crinkled with a mixture of disgust and disbelief. And that mostly your mind has already jumped into thoughts of, "This guy doesn't know my relationship the way I do. He doesn't know the whole picture. If he could be a fly on the wall, he'd see that it isn't like that for US. Maybe if I post a really long explanation of the real story, then he'll see." You are welcome to think that way as I would not be offended at all. But I promise you, the sooner you read what I just wrote, and genuinely internalize, accept, and believe what I just said... the sooner you can begin to really take control of your relationship and your life for that matter.

If your girlfriend has asked you for a break... give it to her. 100% cut off. No communication. NOT ONE text. NOT ONE phone call. Facebook... GONE. Email... NOPE! Don't "run into her" at the grocery store. If you do bump into her by some freak accident, be polite, smile, and speak, but do not linger. Now... since I've told you what NOT to do (and this is where guys tend to stay focused because it feels so counter intuitive and well... it sucks to completely stonewall someone that you love.)... now I think I should tell you what you should DO.

Hit the gym. Get a subscription to Men's Health magazine. Repaint your apartment. Go to a basketball game with your friends... you MALE friends. Pick up that guitar and learn how to play it finally. Buy the Rosetta Stone French software and learn French. Do do do do do.... DO everything that you have ever wanted to do for yourself. Stop thinking about her. DO NOT THINK ABOUT HER!!! Think about yourself.

And, I guarantee... this "I need a break" business will work itself out.

If you are even a half-way descent guy, she will feel that empty void, and she will cave. Or she will move on... and she may still cave in and come back to you after she realizes that after 3.5 years with you... dating around SUCKS!!! But then you will be the SUPER-YOU, and you will have all the cards, which is how it should be anyway. She may act like she wants power, but she doesn't. She wants you to BE A FCUKING MAN AND LEAD THE DAMN RELATIONSHIP!

So do it.

[cheeze_guy]

let her do what she wants and for sure she will always come back but she will always run to other guys for whatever it is she doesn't see in you. If that shit really doesn't bug you and you really think one day that will stop and she will be all yours then keep going... but if it didn't bother you then why would you be writing this... seriously you can find a girl who loves all of you and like you say love finds a way so if the 2 of you are meant to be together then in the future you will meet again but don't settle for half her heart shiiiiiiiiit

[HeartIsAching]

Wow... ok... let me start at the beginning.

Who the hell are you to tell her that SHE'S not ready for marriage? Super controlling shit there.

You accepted that she's going to go fool around on you? What are you a man or a mouse? Well?! Squeak up! She's doing that shit to try and get a reaction from you. She wants you to object.

Now you're giving her the silent treatment to attempt to coerce her into doing what you want? Even more super controlling shit.

This is a genuinely ****ed up relationship. Both of you need to move on.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You're a doormat and a pussy in general. Just break up with her and tell her to come back if she decides she wants to be with you and only you. It's that simple. Personally, I think she's just tired of dating a complete wuss and knows that you'll whine and cry if she leaves you, so she's doing it slowly.

[iidannyii]

BackUpOrGetStng:

Last night, I said to her as blatantly as this.

"Do you absolutely positively plan on coming back to me? If not, its wrong that I should be strung around. If its not me that you want, I'm leaving you".

I took charge, grew some nuts. Spoke to lord almighty; asked that he grant me courage to do this. Had a few cigarettes to easy my head. I did it. She had the opportunity to say yes right there and then.

But she didn't... Instead, she informed me that she had spoken to the guy that very night, and warned him- she was eventually going to come back to me.



HeartIsAching: We have spoke about marriage before, we both knew she just isn't ready. It's from the horses mouth. Please don't jump to conclusions. Alot of things can be covered in a 3.5 year relationship.

And, in answer to your other statement. Again, I took charge last night. I presented her with a question. I'll say it once more. "Do you absolutely positively plan on coming back to me? If not, its wrong that I should be strung around. If its not me that you want, I'm leaving you". followed by "If we're going to do this, you are going to agree to a No-Contact break. It's absolutely ****ed that your doing this with some other guy". She said, I understand. It sucks but, it's for your wellbeing, and its wrong. I'll do it your way.

Theres more to this story than him, I think.... It's me.




I'm going to shed some light about what i've done for her.




Last night, I had an epiphany, and a very likely reason this is all happening to me; and feel quite guilty for it. Both guilty for her, and for me.

"What happens to a child, in which he has been sheltered for his whole life?"

He is suddenly bombarded with the world. Doesn't have experience. Doesn't have what it takes to properly over-come obstacles. Gets overwhelmed, feels trapped. You know what i'm trying to say?

I have basically removed all male contact from her life; because I see the way they look at her when i'm around. ****ing infuriates me. Anywho, I figured last night that, being hit on is an ego-booster for anybody. It makes that little gremlin living in all of us happy. It's what we do with that gremlin. Listen? or Not. My Abigail, has not heard from this gremlin much. As I have shut it up inside of her; taught it that there was only me. What happens when you tell somebody what to do? They rebel. Its humanity. We don't want to do things we get told to. We want free will. We do the opposite. I didn't give her enough space! I smothered her, and turned her away from me. Which leads me to the paragraph below.

We would see each other, not because we were going to go out on a date; or because we wanted to do something interesting. We only saw each other because we didn't want to be alone, didn't want to miss them... Didn't want to feel away from them. I'd tell her every 10 minutes, I love you babe; followed by some kisses and hugs. Me thinks; it lost its touch. She knew I was there, was always going to be there and she could just string me along for a while. Again, this could be another one of her tests. She wants to see how i'll react, if I have some self worth. She presented me with a choice to tolerate it, or put a stop to it. At first, I took it. But last night, I took some charge. I presented HER with a choice; and she chose from them, called me a few times this morning at uni, and said she missed me and loved me etc. She might be starting to realise something.

The reason she needs space from me, is because I'm suffocating the poor girl. Always trying to be Mr. Right, the new age, really emotionally sensitive guy. No sir, she needs to feel that she's dating somebody with some spine, a manly chin and a large chest, shoulders that extend to the moon and back. Somebody that wears a god damn red cape and has a big yellow S printed on their heart.

In a way, I feel she's indirectly taking this break so I can grow some ****ing stones. Man up, and show her who I really am.

I'm almost certain that the above two factors are the reason this is happening to me. It's time for me to stop being such an insecure prick, and ruining her life, and opportunities to experience. It's time she found out what was out there; with only a little bit of guidance, if she wanted me to be there and give it to her. I need to stop making desicions for her. I need to make MYSELF the catch, not Vice Versa. She's a big girl. A girl that's going into medicine. She's definitely not dumb. She knows what she wants, and she will have it. Whether its me or not, I need to sort myself out. I'm a dick for doing this to her, and i'm going to study. I'll read some books about inner game, about self worth- and of course, how to make a relationship as forfilling as possible. If she decides to come back, she wont be with Daniel. She will be dating Clark Kent.

No i'm not saying i'm going to change myself for her. I'm saying im going to change myself for me. Any girl that gets into a relationship with me in my current state of mind, is essentially in a mouse trap.

Thankyou to every body above, who has helped me to see my wrongs. Hopefully, over time; this can mend and be a very potentially forfilling relationship.



Also, before I do post, i'd like to ask.

I'm refusing to text or call her. I'm going to make her feel like im absent. Like im not a needy person anymore.

When she does call, do I just reject them? Or do I pick up and talk? Not once in this 3.5 years have I received a call and not either immediately returned it, or picked up there and then. Might seem odd for her to experience me suddenly not picking up anymore.

Cheers guys,

All help, very much appreciated.

Dan.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Of course she said she's coming back, that's point of a break...the initiator can come back anytime they want, while you're stuck with your thumb up your ass. You are a liar..you did not grow nuts. If you had grown nuts, you wouldn't be in this position. You'd be out looking for the next "her". Tell her a break isn't going to work, and you want to break up and move on. Right now she knows you're her little, whipped bitch and she can do whatever she wants. Take that away from her, and you'll see if she was ever planning on coming back or not.

[iidannyii]

For now, i'll play stupid.

She isn't a liar, and I know that as a fact 100%. She wouldn't keep me around for the sake of not being lonely if things don't work out. She just isn't like that. Never has been.

In any case, in the mean time- ill work on myself.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You may be playing stupid, but you are clearly a ****ing idiot. I can't wait for the threads that are sure to follow this one.