Depressed, Confused, and dont know what to do.

[SelflessnHumble]

im going to talk to her face to face.. i did the first time this happened and was successful... i am waiting for after vday...

I know you can do it.
Just be nice, calm and humble about your questions.
If you do it right: there should be zero reason to make excuses, nor get defensive.

However IF she does do those things and you still come *correct* It's a red flag she doesn't want to face.
Good luck, though.

[DarkHelmet82]

I know you can do it.
Just be nice, calm and humble about your questions.
If you do it right: there should be zero reason to make excuses, nor get defensive.

However IF she does do those things and you still come *correct* It's a red flag she doesn't want to face.
Good luck, though.

can you clarify... i dont understand that last sentence sorry

and nice calm and humble is what i do.... thats why im here in the first place lol

[DarkHelmet82]

my questions to here are simple...

what was her reason for ending it.
if her feelings did change when and why.
why make it seem you were into me when you werent... (not sure about this one how to word it)
amongst the other things you recommended we discuss.. theres more but i forget.. ill write them down before i go

[Horseyguy]

my questions to here are simple...

what was her reason for ending it.
if her feelings did change when and why.
why make it seem you were into me when you werent... (not sure about this one how to word it)
amongst the other things you recommended we discuss.. theres more but i forget.. ill write them down before i go

why make it seem you were into me when you werent... (not sure about this one how to word it)

Nooooooo don't ask that, although it's a question you are actually laying blame on her directly and that's probably going to be confronting for her which might throw her on to the defensive and shut down

Asking why the relationship ended is fair enough, that's open ended

And maybe the second one should be more along the line of "did your feelings towards me change? The when, how and why should be in the answer anyway. I'd take them out of the question because again it sounds too confrontational

But hey that's just me

[DarkHelmet82]

good advice...

I have another question.. I have a feeling one of her friends is a catalyst as to why things happened... dont have proof but just something i suspect in my guy.. the gut never lies right? I dont know why I feel like that but her friend seems like shes a bitch (iv'e never met her) and she is pretty unattractive. Jealously could play its toll and shes trying to sabatoge the relationship.... Should i mention anything in regard to that

would asking here things like... do you enjoy being with me? if she says yes.. ill say "why throw the baby out with the bathwater?"

[SelflessnHumble]

can you clarify... i dont understand that last sentence sorry
and nice calm and humble is what i do.... thats why im here in the first place lol

If she does do those things means: if she deflects, yells, argues, points the finger back at you or
refuses to take responsibility (and own her problems) THIS is the red flag she doesn't care (when push comes to shove)

Everyone can love, miss and care about you without: resistance/pressure/change.
How they treat you in the face of adversity, change and difficulty tells me all I need to know about someone.
We all love Sunny Days (mostly) right?
But, can she deal with the rain? That is the question.

my questions to here are simple...

what was her reason for ending it.
if her feelings did change when and why.
why make it seem you were into me when you werent... (not sure about this one how to word it)
amongst the other things you recommended we discuss.. theres more but i forget.. ill write them down before i go

My advice: Don't ask her what was her reason for ending it. It is too direct and it
puts the spotlight on her flaws...Her problems and issues: are flaws. People hate to have to address them.

How you can indirectly talk to her is to tell her how YOU feel when she says ________ or does ___________.
The part in bold is: combative: don't say that!

Instead ask, "When you are happy with me: it shows and I love the way it makes me feel..."
...But, when you (be specific here) I feel as though your feelings for me change in a way that hurts me on the inside.

Your goal isn't to question her dude.
Your goal is for her to identify her problems (while in your presence) so that YOU can understand
and so that those missing pieces fall into place.

[DarkHelmet82]

I sometimes have a hard time expressing myself without bringing my feelings into the equation.. your advice is helpful and appreciated... thank you

[DarkHelmet82]

heres the thing.. shes never really done much to get me pissed off.. Like i posted in the beginning of the thread.. things were great.. she didnt "piss me off" until after she ended it and gave me a bullshit reason.

How do i say "when you mislead me, and dont open up to me, it makes me feel helpless." "I appreciate you telling me how you feel, it helps me to understand you better, BUT:
What I don't appreciate is: you not poening up, making excuses, and not being honest with me or yourself." That is kind of combative no?

I just need to find out what made her feelings change so suddenly... and if they didnt why did she make it seem like everything was fine when apparently they weren't.. i understand.. its not me it's her and I shouldnt take it personally.. but something made her feel that way... im trying to figure out what.... ESPECIALLY if shes just scared and confused....

[SelflessnHumble]

I sometimes have a hard time expressing myself without bringing my feelings into the equation.. your advice is helpful and appreciated... thank you

You're welcome bro...I know it's hard BUT: the first step is to realize you get emotionally compromised...
The 2nd step is to learn what triggers these emotions: then last step is controlling them.
It doesn't mean you lie to yourself and "hold it in" this isn't healthy to do. (she did this: look what happened)

But, if you really want true closure, and if you really want to learn the proper way in dealing with people
(even when they say shit that drives you mad) then you must learn and exercise patience. Understanding doesn't
mean you've figured her out: it means you use that patience to empathize with her while being calm...Then once she's finished telling you those things; you politely ask (when she gets silent) "May I say something about that?"

heres the thing.. shes never really done much to get me pissed off.. Like i posted in the beginning of the thread.. things were great.. she didnt "piss me off" until after she ended it and gave me a bullshit reason.

I get that, but here's an eye opener for you:
She didn't *piss you off* !!!!
YOU chose to get pissed off based on what she told you! See that? This is the first lesson of control.
Since we both know you cannot control what she says: Now you know we can control what YOU say (or do) !!!

I bet it was a bullshit reason, but in the face of adversity: you've got to be patient and understanding.
She feels the answer given was good enough for you. Obviously she was wrong...
The kicker as to why most people do this would shock you:
Most people actually think their bullshit reasons are so intelligently crafted they will mistake our reaction
as we're dumb or stupid enough to actually believe that bullshit. Then if you happen to disagree with it
(and get pissed off) they will use you reaction to justify their bullshit: in this scenario: breaking up with you! See?

When you don't react to it: how she counted on you reacting to it: getting pissed off:
You take the wind out of her sails!!!!! She will be the one to get pissed off, trust me!
People don't think their bullshit through dude. It was only thought of up to the point of:
Her telling you it was over: You reacting the way she KNEW you would...After that? None.

How do i say "when you mislead me, and dont open up to me, it makes me feel helpless." "I appreciate you telling me how you feel, it helps me to understand you better, BUT:
What I don't appreciate is: you not poening up, making excuses, and not being honest with me or yourself." That is kind of combative no?

I don't think it is combative because she knows it hurts you!
BUT if you come at her yelling, screaming, fighting or arguing: she won't give a shit about what you say.

The more time you allow to pass you by: the more you kill the initiative because she can
move on: and once people have their next pawn in place: she won't even hear you out!

The goal is to come across as "It hurt my feelings when you (insert what she did here)
Don't say it in an analytical sort of way: just say what she actually did..

Like "When you dumped me I tried to understand why you did it."
For some reason I don't identify with the answer you gave me...Could you be more specific?

(of course as days go by this sort of talk is meaningless) 9 days isn't all that long but the sooner
the better.

If you come in a humble and calm voice where you're conveying compassion: she will open up.

I just need to find out what made her feelings change so suddenly... and if they didnt why did she make it seem like everything was fine when apparently they weren't.. i understand.. its not me it's her and I shouldnt take it personally.. but something made her feel that way... im trying to figure out what.... ESPECIALLY if shes just scared and confused....

See this line ^^^ I don't see an issue asking that!

"(her name), When we broke up, I didn't see it coming and I think it's my fault for being so blind...
But I would really appreciate if you could open up just a bit and tell me how or way your feelings for me
changed so suddenly?" (then be patient and let her say it)

Obviously the answer is there on the 2nd line you wrote!
Something wasn't right, but she LIED to you and possibly to herself thinking that everything was fine: when they weren't.
See? You KNOW what happened and even know the why? You just don't know exactly why, and guess what?

With damaged people (you may NEVER know) This is the price to pay for getting with someone who has:
low self esteem, who sees themselves as ugly or disfigured (for some reason) and who lies right up to the point of breaking up.

[DarkHelmet82]

ok you have given me some good advice.. i really ggreatly appreciate it.. I am going to try and get her to meet me... ask her to join me for a few drinks and talk about it.. make it a relaxing environment.. thanks again!

[SelflessnHumble]

I sometimes have a hard time expressing myself without bringing my feelings into the equation.. your advice is helpful and appreciated... thank you

heres the thing.. shes never really done much to get me pissed off.. Like i posted in the beginning of the thread.. things were great.. she didnt "piss me off" until after she ended it and gave me a bullshit reason.

How do i say "when you mislead me, and dont open up to me, it makes me feel helpless." "I appreciate you telling me how you feel, it helps me to understand you better, BUT:
What I don't appreciate is: you not poening up, making excuses, and not being honest with me or yourself." That is kind of combative no?

I just need to find out what made her feelings change so suddenly... and if they didnt why did she make it seem like everything was fine when apparently they weren't.. i understand.. its not me it's her and I shouldnt take it personally.. but something made her feel that way... im trying to figure out what.... ESPECIALLY if shes just scared and confused....

ok you have given me some good advice.. i really ggreatly appreciate it.. I am going to try and get her to meet me... ask her to join me for a few drinks and talk about it.. make it a relaxing environment.. thanks again!

You're welcome.

[DarkHelmet82]

I didnt let her know i was pissed off when she did it.. I just didnt say much when it happened.. her reason was bullshit.. because it was a total reversal of haow she had been previously acting 5 hours prior..

[SelflessnHumble]

I didnt let her know i was pissed off when she did it.. I just didnt say much when it happened.. her reason was bullshit.. because it was a total reversal of haow she had been previously acting 5 hours prior..

It still doesn't change a thing, how am I to know the internal composition of a psycho's reasoning?
Sometimes: there aren't any. I've been with girls: one of which is serving time for attempted murder and possession of a bio weapon..

I bet even God doesn't know her reasoning! I've been with girls who flip flopped worse than any politician. They do because they can.
The scary ones are those who actually methodically calculate with exact precision their actions because they've analyzed you to the point
where they know what you do and why: you they're able to predict what you do so they can counter. Scary stuff.

[DarkHelmet82]

should i open up myself.. maybe this will help her do it as well?

[DarkHelmet82]

It still doesn't change a thing, how am I to know the internal composition of a psycho's reasoning?
Sometimes: there aren't any. I've been with girls: one of which is serving time for attempted murder and possession of a bio weapon..

I bet even God doesn't know her reasoning! I've been with girls who flip flopped worse than any politician. They do because they can.
The scary ones are those who actually methodically calculate with exact precision their actions because they've analyzed you to the point
where they know what you do and why: you they're able to predict what you do so they can counter. Scary stuff.

attmpted murder and a bio weapon? jesus... were you with her at the time?