In a complicated situation...

[Gary335]

Hi all, new to the forums and to dating forums in general but I'm in need of advice. Back in October I met a girl where I work and we hit it off really well. I'm 25 and she's 21. Within a few days we had told each other we liked each other and set up our first date. We had fun and continued seeing each other frequently. She told me she had 3 children, and an ex that wasn't totally out of her life yet at that time. I liked her alot by this time and so learning this didn't bother me. Things moved forward between us and we started adding some hugging and kissing. She had told me once that she had a dream of being part of our family and really liked how it felt. I even told her once that I loved her. But then just as suddenly as things started getting serious she got very distant. The kisses stopped, it became very hard to talk to her on the phone or by text. We still dated, she would still hug me, but that was all. She then told me that her ex had begged her to let him visit for the holiday so he could be with his son. She let him, and by the time Christmas day came she was telling me she was seriously considering going back to him. We had a long discussion, during which she told me that she had gotten distant because she found herself falling for me and it scared her. The next day she texted me and told me she wanted to stay with me and had told the ex to go back home. Right after this the friend she was living with had to move and so she came to live with me.

After that things started warming up again. She told the ex she was done with him and the pain he caused for her, she was telling people I was her boyfriend and everything. I was kissing her again and even told her again that I loved her. But now its back to being distant. In other words, it seems like every time things get to a certain point she backs off. When we talked she says she's just not ready for a relationship right now. She says she wants to get back on her feet in a place of her own and get her kids back on their feet. We still go out, but there's no kissing or anything only hugging and we don't refer to each other as boyfriend and girlfriend.

Her ex abused her physically, sexually, and emotionally and she's told me that she was sexually abused multiple times as a child by various family members. She was in foster care since the age of 3. Given everything I've said, should I be concerned that she's not wanting a relationship right now? Maybe she really does just need me to be patient with her for a bit? I'm pretty sure there's no other guy or anything. She's told me I have nothing to worry about because she's not looking. She's also said that she still very much likes me alot and sees me as the one she wants to be with when she's ready. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

[ktm390]

run!!!!!!!!!

[curly1118]

Don't let your feelings for her cloud your judgement. She doesn't seem to know what she wants with you. Is she still living with you?

She says she wants to get back on her feet and her kids too. And 3 kids by the age of 21? Wow...

You gotta ask yourself if you really want to be in that position.

[girl68]

ARE YOU FREGGIN' SERIOUS? 3 kids at 21 WTF is wrong with her you screw up that badly 3 times?

RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN NN

[Gary335]

I know, 3 kids that young is a bit crazy. I agree. But I think there are logical reasons for that. She lost her father at the age of 3, and like I sad she was in the foster care system since that time. I think she's made mistakes because of of the things that have happened to her in her life, and because of the things her life lacked growing up. I have no problem with the kids.

[xxazurexx]

I know, 3 kids that young is a bit crazy. I agree. But I think there are logical reasons for that. She lost her father at the age of 3, and like I sad she was in the foster care system since that time. I think she's made mistakes because of of the things that have happened to her in her life, and because of the things her life lacked growing up. I have no problem with the kids.

That's right. Blame her past and for the mistakes she makes today...and that makes her mistake ok I guess. Too many people quick to blame 'their' past. We have CHOICES in life and you can't always blame your childhood.

Easy answer to this one.....She's still in love with her ex.

[Gary335]

So then your telling me there's only one possibility and that's that she's a dirty slut that screws guys and gets herself pregnant. That one's life experiences have no effect on them, the fact that she's been sexually abused many times means nothing, etc etc?

And she's not in love with the ex. In fact she seldom speaks to him anymore. At one time I would have agreed with you. For awhile she did still love him. But there's no love there anymore. She told him to go f himself so many times I lost count. She used to tell me she wasn't ready because she still had feelings for him, but she doesn't say that anymore. She says her need to wait has nothing to do with him anymore.

[Kaius]

She's not over her separation. She is not ready for a new life. She is not ready to fall in love again.
There is a lot of emotional baggage involved. It's just not the right time. You should respect that.
You may want to be there to help her, and comfort her, but there is really not much you can do right now.

[Kaius]

So then your telling me there's only one possibility and that's that she's a dirty slut that screws guys and gets herself pregnant. That one's life experiences have no effect on them, the fact that she's been sexually abused many times means nothing, etc etc?

And she's not in love with the ex. In fact she seldom speaks to him anymore. At one time I would have agreed with you. For awhile she did still love him. But there's no love there anymore. She told him to go f himself so many times I lost count. She used to tell me she wasn't ready because she still had feelings for him, but she doesn't say that anymore. She says her need to wait has nothing to do with him anymore.

She is barely an adult, and has be a mother of 3, and deal with ex, and try to have a new relationship? That sounds like a lot for such a young girl. You should really reconsider if you want to be a part of this.

[xxazurexx]

So then your telling me there's only one possibility and that's that she's a dirty slut that screws guys and gets herself pregnant. That one's life experiences have no effect on them, the fact that she's been sexually abused many times means nothing, etc etc?

I'm pretty sure all this will be bullshit and nonsensical crap she feeds you and quite simply because she doesn't want a relationship with you and is finding any reason and excuse not to be in a relationship with you. For someone who claims to have been sexually abused and affected badly by it....sure didn't put her off having sexual relations with men and churning babies out.

And she's not in love with the ex. In fact she seldom speaks to him anymore. At one time I would have agreed with you. For awhile she did still love him. But there's no love there anymore. She told him to go f himself so many times I lost count. She used to tell me she wasn't ready because she still had feelings for him, but she doesn't say that anymore. She says her need to wait has nothing to do with him anymore.

Nothing like being in denial.

And she's not in love with the ex. In fact she seldom speaks to him anymore.

Not enough evidence I'm afraid....

The fact she doesn't want a relationship with you says it all. She isn't ready for a life with you because she is not over her life with her ex.

[xxazurexx]

She's not over her separation. She is not ready for a new life. She is not ready to fall in love again.
There is a lot of emotional baggage involved. It's just not the right time. You should respect that.
You may want to be there to help her, and comfort her, but there is really not much you can do right now.

Case of 'knight in Shining armor' syndrome....

He will be there for her and she will go on to shit on him and go back to her ex.

[curly1118]

Keep in mind, fellas. That you can't just "fix" someone. People are the way they are and the only thing that's gonna make them change is themselves. Sure, you can help them along the way by being supportive. But bottom line is: just cuz some people have had a more messed up childhood than you, doesn't mean that you should run in and try to play mr. fixit.

As for excusing her actions because she was abused and whatnot. That is not acceptable. People should grow from their past and become stronger.

[girl68]

1 mistake sure, but she gets knocked up 3 separate times... how stupid is she? One kid I can overlook maybe even 2 but 3 times... sorry abused or not that's 1 too many mistakes.

[ktm390]

1 mistake sure, but she gets knocked up 3 separate times... how stupid is she? One kid I can overlook maybe even 2 but 3 times... sorry abused or not that's 1 too many mistakes.

maybe they were all planned? maybe she is very wealthy and just wanted to settle down early!! haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!

[Darkest Heaven]

Is this troll?

If this is real.... WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?