Wife makes me feel worthless

[bon]

been married for a couple of years. at the beginning it was amazing and i felt like she was undoubtedly the one for me. we laughed together, were sad when apart, and wanted to spend forever together.

i lost my job about a year ago, and since then its been downhill. i search for jobs everyday, and go on interviews but no luck. i've picked up small consulting jobs which have helped pay the bills.

she doesn't believe that as a married unit, her money is my money and vice versa. i'm ok with that only because i dont make as much money as her. but i have never once been late on my bills. we split the bills evenly and even though i have been unemployed as far as a full time job, my consulting jobs help me bring income. monthly i'm paying $500 for rent, $160 for car insurance, $350 for my car (i pay this alone, no help from her), $100 for electricity, $40 for water bill, $60 for phone bill, $90 for a furniture finance we have, $120/month for taking her out to dinner (i pay this by myself also), and $75 for cable/internet. she pays the same amount, except for the car note and the dinner.

yet she still acts like she supports me and i'm a loser. she's called me a loser, irresponsible, immature, lazy. has cursed at me, etc. i'm human, and yes i've gotten mad at her back. again, there has never been one month where i wasnt able to pay my portion of the bills

i once asked her to let me borrow a couple hundred dollars and she said no chance. that was when i was at rock bottom. after that i vowed never to ask for money from her again. but i literally live paycheck to paycheck. i know people say that all the time, but in my case its true. at any given moment i have maximum $60 in my bank account.

i want us to work but i dont know what to do...

[Darkest Heaven]

If you're 100% truthful in your post, go find somebody who will appreciate you for where you are, and for your efforts, rather than hate you for not being their ideal image.

[bon]

yes i'm being 100% truthful. but its not easy for me to just drop her and leave. i know i love her and always will, and i know she loves me too. what we had in the beginning was something that was indescribable. i'm just wondering if there is some other remedy than just leaving her, because i know that will not be easy for me. when she wants to be good, she's the most amazing person on the planet. its when she's bad that kills me...

i know i have a short fuse now when she starts yelling at me, and i yell back, so maybe that is my mistake. i just want it to work, and i hope i'm not just chasing something that will never happen...

[vashti]

So you've been unemployed for a year? That WOULD be stressful (for BOTH of you). Do you have kids? Have you looked at jobs you are over-qualified for in order to make ends meet? Because that is what I would expect you to do if I were married to you.

[bon]

no kids and yes on the jobs. I have a Master's degree. the jobs i work pay $14/hr, $25/hr and $30/hr, but they are part time and are not consistent as far as work availability and i am absolutely overqualified for them. i've applied to best buy, wal-mart, publix even. i've applied to government jobs. my email outbox is nothing but resumes being sent. i dont care if i have to scrub toilets, i know i need to work in order to pay my bills because i know i dont have support from her

[bluesummer]

Understand that it's likely a bit frustrating for her because she probably feels like she has to pull you guys through all of this almost on her own.

THAT said, she's being a complete bitch about it. That is NOT how you work through tough times together in a relationship. The old cliche is true, the true test of your relationship is not how you get through the good times together, but the bad ones. She's showing some pretty selfish behaviour here.

[HeartIsAching]

First off, your wife is emotionally and financially abusive. She needs help. Frankly, I have little tolerance for it anymore (10 years in a toxic relationship can do that to you) and were it me, I'd be doing the truffle shuffle out of her life.

[Boisdevie]

So you are paying your fair share of the bills and still you are getting it in the neck from her. She sounds like a complete bitch and if I were you I would leave. You deserve better than this kind of abuse.

[hello1]

I can understand her stress. You have been unemployed for a year and if you both had full time jobs, you two could do more things together as a couple. Of you got a job I bet you she will gain more respect for you again and your relationship be better. It has been a year, a long time.

[Stephanie Fox]

God people can be cruel...:S
In a relationship there is nothing like that's mine or yours...
I would get that word banned in the house. It's always OURS!!!!!
Greedy, careless, horrible person she is...
Alright, why don't you teach her a lesson and don't pay her dinner? Half-half??(kidding)
What you need to do, is be with a woman who loves you and appriciates you more.
She is not the right one, and she is acting childish... She can see how much stress you going through at the moment and it's not that easy to find a job at this moment on the whole world either and she still won't help.
I know you love her and you've been married as well. But what does marriage mean? A UNIT! you are two people in a TEAM!
You SHARE in a marriage.
If you tried to talk to her and she still won't help you then she can go out that door as well.
You are married for god's sake.
Really hope that she will understand and change on this. but if not it's just a dead end...
If you need any help just go here and look around. how-to-win-a-girls-heart.net
Good luck and i hope you find a solution.

[Skylark]

You could consider another alternative such as cutting back your expenses.
Look into new internet and phone plans, you are paying a lot especially for internet.
Take her out to dinner at cheaper places, or discuss her paying if she wants to go out.
Ideally she should just help you out more financially.

[bluesummer]

Okay, so you've gotten mad at her, but have you ever actually told her that how she acts is hurtful and cruel? Have you told her that if you were in the same position, you would support her no matter what? (Assuming you would).

I think you guys need to have real heart to heart. Yeah she's being a bitch but maybe she needs someone to point it out to her. It may not be obvious to her that her behaviour is mean.

I'm not saying she's not to blame here, I'm just wondering wht your communication level is like.

[Gigabitch]

We're going through The Great Recession right now. She really still expects to be taken out to dinner? Really? By a guy who is basically unemployed?

Why are her expectations so out of whack?

[Boisdevie]

We're going through The Great Recession right now. She really still expects to be taken out to dinner? Really? By a guy who is basically unemployed?

Why are her expectations so out of whack?

Exactly. You go our for dinner and it cost as much as you would pay for food in a week. What planet is she living on?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Write up a separation agreement, and ask her to sign it. Someone like her definitely won't want to be dumped someone she sees as inferior, so it will shock her and prompt her to talk about the problem. Just tell her that she makes you feel worthless and you'd rather leave if she continues.

You actually do sound pretty worthless, and it has nothing to do with employment status. It's got everything to do with your readiness to accept her treatment.