I dont want to be mad anymore

[DeepBlueSea]

I have been in an on again off again relationship for two and a half years. The times we have been "off" have been because of him and his issues, freaking out, being scared of being hurt and other reasons. Let me say that he is divorced and was cheated on by his exwife and he uses that as an excuse all the time for pulling back with me. This time, we have been "on again" for 11 months.. until about three weeks ago. about three weeks ago, MY attitude about the whole thing began to change because, to put it blunty, I got SICK of his crap. I got sick of feeling like I was "walking on eggshells" and the entire relationship being at the mercy of this little whims, attitudes, and critisims. I got SICK of feeling like I have to prove that I am not like his cheating ex wife and I was "worthy" enough to be with him. It weird... like a switch just went off in my head one day and I realized how arrogant and full of crap his is. He made one of his typical snide, arrogant comments at a party we were at and I walked out. I got a ride home from someone else and left him there. We hardly spoke at all the folllowing week, other than a brief email exchange where he informed me that I was no longer allowed to ride in his car because I "left with someone else that night" (WHO CARES?!?!). We recently, finally talked and he said what I KNEW he was going to say which was a "break up talk".. i think he expected me to react like I normally do and get upset. But this time I acted like I didnt care and said "ok" and "you are absolutely right we should break up " and "i was going to say the same thing myself anyway". The whole convo lasted maybe 5 minutes and I acted like I didnt care- bc in that moment I truly did not.

We have seen each other since and will again because we have many mutual friends. In fact, I saw him at a super bowl party sun night and he acted like we were just friends, always had been friends, and nothing more. I acted the same to save face but underneath it I was BUBBLING with anger.

The point of this post is to say.. I KNOW he is a colossal ass, I am finally sick his crap and am straight out PISSED OFF so why am I still struggling with moments of sadness over it?! really, truthfully, I would do almost anything to turn the tables on him JUST ONE TIME. I would love it if just ONE TIME, he came to me wanting to "work it out" and I could tell him NO WAY. I am a confused mess.. bc I am mad and sad at the same time. I even had a few moments here and there where I thought I might want him back... How do I handle this without letting anger get the best of me? How wrong am I for wanting him to come say hes sorry and ask for another chance just so I can tell him off? I do not want to be a hateful person but thats just the blunt truth of how I feel right now

What can I do to get past all of this and come to a point where I can be totally neutral about seeing him- because I have to see him often. And.. I actually have a date already this weekend with someone better (cuter, smarter, NICER) etc.. so you would THINK I wouldnt be struggling with this like I am! Is it too soon for me to be going out with this other guy? And do I bring this new guy around my friends knowing the colossal ass will see him? Sooner or later, I will want any new guy I am dating to meet my friends.. ?

Any input on the whole situation would be useful. I am about to just say forget them all and be alone for awhile.. might not be too bad of an option. Thanks for reading my vent, in any case

Oh and one more question speaking in general terms.. is it REALLY true that someone who walks around all the time acting like they are smarter than the whole world really just insecure? Bc I have been told that and, in theory, it makes sense. But the colossal ass seems like hes pretty sure of himself.. its a pretty good cover if hes covering up insecurities. Is it possible for someone just be that arrogant and full of themselves?

[bluesummer]

Well good for you for finally seeing through his shit and letting him go. It's just hard to break up with anyone and feel NOTHING....I'd say it's damn near impossible no matter what the circumstance, so don't worry about it. I think you're angry because of you've only allowed yourself to realize what an ass he is NOW, and that you wasted so much time and energy on him. You're sad because you put in a lot of effort but still couldn't make it work. Neither of those things are going to change, best to lock those feelings up with the past and let them go. Getting angry with him is not going to make you feel better. Trust me. I had a scream at my ex-husband one night and told him every hateful thing in my head. In the end he just smiled at me and told me I was a very hateful person, and I wound up looking like the jackass. Should've left it slone.

Don't bring your new guy around your friends just yet. Deep down I think you know you'd be doing it to shove it in the face of the "colossal ass". Be real. Maybe this won't even turn into anything. If the relationship becomes steady and legit, think about introducing him to your friends, but try to do it in circumstances where your ex isn't around. Take the high road......you'll feel better about it in the long run.

Best of luck.

[ktm390]

wow. first off if you say you might still want him back then yeah its too soon to be dating another guy!!! what the ****?? if i broke up with a girl after that long (even if i did the breaking up) and she brought some other guy around, i would be so ****in pissed off that i would probably end up in jail for assault. just not classy. poor taste. and i would also be pissed off if you left me at a party over a stupid comment, instead of talking to me about it. and i bet you didnt leave with a girl huh? more reason for him to be pissed off! he does sound like a douche though for making you 'walk on eggshells' but i dont know about your angle in the relationship. you said - "really, truthfully, I would do almost anything to turn the tables on him JUST ONE TIME. I would love it if just ONE TIME, he came to me wanting to "work it out" and I could tell him NO WAY." sounds a little vindictive to me! to get past all of that and come to a point where you can see him and be neutral you need to let go of your anger! maybe you should come to anger management with me!

[smackie9]

Don't lower yourself to get revenge on this guy. No matter what you do to show him up will make yourself look like an idiot. The best thing to do is to ignore him completely, no contact at all, go find some other place to hang out. If you meet someone new you can invite selected friends to meet up with out that ass being around.

As for someone that walks around being a know it all, being insecure is debatable. He could be just full of himself.

[bluesummer]

Ok really though ktm, it doesn't seem like it would take much to land you in jail for assault (ahem, anger management). Most guys would be able to stay out of jail in such a situation. If she wants to date someone else the next DAY, that's her choice and he can't say anything about it.

And really, I think the comment he made, however small, was probably the proverbial 'straw that broke the camels back'. He sounds like an utter douche.

She is acknowledging that she's feeling vindictive and angry.

[ktm390]

Ok really though ktm, it doesn't seem like it would take much to land you in jail for assault (ahem, anger management). Most guys would be able to stay out of jail in such a situation. If she wants to date someone else the next DAY, that's her choice and he can't say anything about it.

And really, I think the comment he made, however small, was probably the proverbial 'straw that broke the camels back'. He sounds like an utter douche.

She is acknowledging that she's feeling vindictive and angry.

you're right! it doesnt take much to piss me off. but lying, cheatin, and being a whore will do it! (not saying she did any of these things!) i have been in jail...a few times...and i'm acknowledging that i need help. and you are right that 'most' guys would be able to stay out of jail in that situation but then again most guys are pussies. i was just saying that in every relationship i have been in for that long i was in love with the girl, so if she was in the relationship that long with me i would think she would be in love with me too. that being said if she brought some new guy around the next day or a week after well that means she didnt love me or she is a complete slut!! either way it would be enough to piss 'most' guys off. how they handle that, well that is depending on the guy. oh and i did say he was a douche! just saying he might not be the only bad guy in the relationship. eh?

[HeartIsAching]

No matter how bad the relationship was, it's absolutely normal to feel grief at it's passing. It will fade.

You're well shut of him. The main thing to focus on now is NOT being vengeful. Just let it go. All you'll accomplish by being vengeful is giving him more attention from you, and giving yourself extra stress for no good reason.

[DeepBlueSea]

And really, I think the comment he made, however small, was probably the proverbial 'straw that broke the camels back'. He sounds like an utter douche.

She is acknowledging that she's feeling vindictive and angry.

yeah his comment pretty much was the straw that broke the camels back, thats for sure. And actually, I did get a girl to take me to my car the night of the party. I didnt leave with another guy. I just wanted to get away from him.

He is full of himself and I am feeling vindictive. A large part of me wants to turn it around/turn the tables ..i know for sure he was not expecting me to react the way I did this time.

but I know revenge is not the right thing to do. I also know that when it comes down to it, I dont think I can be mean. This still sucks though.. dating him was a huge mistake. i have been VERY stupid with this guy. And I know it.

Thanks for the great advice.

[SelflessnHumble]

First things first...Before you B-lame HIM: look in the mirror...You are just as much to blame as he is! Why?
Fore more than a year...you've known he was damaged goods: him having issues with trusting you stemming from his ex...
You knew: you allowed it to continue and only NOW that a light bulb FINALLY goes on: now, you've "had enough?" Oh Kay!

2nd, the reason why you were bubbling with anger, (had moments of sadness) and why you acted like you didn't care was because you only reacted
to what HE did first: which was be his arrogant self, and berate you with snide remarks you were all too familiar with (and allowed to happen before) up till now.
You bluffed and bullshitted your way through it while he meant it with conviction...big difference.

Now you are allowing your emotional irrationalities get the best of you ( AGAIN ) so that you could lure him under false pretenses just to hurt him the way you've been hurt?
What a horrible person and thing to do! Don't kid yourself, k?

The moment you see your ex blowing you off while you are out with the cuter smarter and nicer guy would mean NOTHING!

People have ego and pride, as you do.
His is just more grandiose than yours but still, I digress.

The fact is: the both of you are shit together and neither of you should be.
He is a little boy and you are an angry/bitter mess as of now. So, you should get in touch with yourself, and BEFORE you go out with someone else
you should be 100% OVER your ex...This new guy doesn't need to hear about your emotional bullshit nor your baggage...He doesn't deserve it.

[ktm390]

First things first...Before you B-lame HIM: look in the mirror...You are just as much to blame as he is! Why?
Fore more than a year...you've known he was damaged goods: him having issues with trusting you stemming from his ex...
You knew: you allowed it to continue and only NOW that a light bulb FINALLY goes on: now, you've "had enough?" Oh Kay!

2nd, the reason why you were bubbling with anger, (had moments of sadness) and why you acted like you didn't care was because you only reacted
to what HE did first: which was be his arrogant self, and berate you with snide remarks you were all too familiar with (and allowed to happen before) up till now.
You bluffed and bullshitted your way through it while he meant it with conviction...big difference.

Now you are allowing your emotional irrationalities get the best of you ( AGAIN ) so that you could lure him under false pretenses just to hurt him the way you've been hurt?
What a horrible person and thing to do! Don't kid yourself, k?

The moment you see your ex blowing you off while you are out with the cuter smarter and nicer guy would mean NOTHING!

People have ego and pride, as you do.
His is just more grandiose than yours but still, I digress.

The fact is: the both of you are shit together and neither of you should be.
He is a little boy and you are an angry/bitter mess as of now. So, you should get in touch with yourself, and BEFORE you go out with someone else
you should be 100% OVER your ex...This new guy doesn't need to hear about your emotional bullshit nor your baggage...He doesn't deserve it.

haaaa this is another post of yours that i wish i could have said like you. you pretty much write what i'm thinkin in my mind but when i type it, it comes out all crude and shitty! oh yeah and i leave a bunch of shit out. you are so goddamn articulate!! you rule!!!!

[Journey2Virtue]

When you invest so much time and emotion into someone and barely got it in return, just to realize that it was all wasted effort......you're going to be pissed off. Its almost like they stole something from you, time that you'll never get back.
Don't let him make you bitter or resentful, because that's just giving him more time and energy that he definitely doesn't deserve. You're right to not want to spend your life proving you're not like his ex. And you are so right to be going out with someone else. You don't have to waste more time being politically correct for this jackass. He'll just twist it to make convince himself that he was right about you, which is BS. He'll do that to every girl he drives crazy who is smart enough to walk away from him. As soon as they move on he'll swear they were cheating on him or were going to .....just like his ex. Whatever, not your problem. Again, don't give him anymore of your time or your energy.


As for your last question, its obviously an insecurity issue with this guy. If he really knew so much he'd know how to make his relationships work and he would know better than to project his issues from a past relationship on to a current one. His attitude of "I'm right and everyone else is wrong" makes him feel better about things that don't go his way. As for other people, their sense of confidence and security comes from their exaggerated sense of self-importance and intelligence. So its not so much that they're masking insecurities, it's more so that they are just overconfident. It could be a mixture of both. Either way, again be happy that its not your problem.

[Journey2Virtue]

you're right! it doesnt take much to piss me off. but lying, cheatin, and being a whore will do it! (not saying she did any of these things!) i have been in jail...a few times...and i'm acknowledging that i need help. and you are right that 'most' guys would be able to stay out of jail in that situation but then again most guys are pussies. i was just saying that in every relationship i have been in for that long i was in love with the girl, so if she was in the relationship that long with me i would think she would be in love with me too. that being said if she brought some new guy around the next day or a week after well that means she didnt love me or she is a complete slut!! either way it would be enough to piss 'most' guys off. how they handle that, well that is depending on the guy. oh and i did say he was a douche! just saying he might not be the only bad guy in the relationship. eh?

lmao you're hilarious.

But the idea of "waiting a certain time" after a relationship ends.....I think is relative. If you've been dealing with BS for months or years, you've been waiting a long time for someone to treat you better. So when you finally get out of that situation....why wait even longer for the right guy/girl. Its not automatically slutty or that the person didn't love you. Its just that they were ready for a healthy mature relationship and to start receiving what they've been giving.

[bulrush]

I think you are sad about change and starting over, but not about leaving him as a person. You have to separate the two ideas. Maybe you are worried being forever alone. Don't give up! You have to date 10 people to find a good match, so keep dating!

is it REALLY true that someone who walks around all the time acting like they are smarter than the whole world really just insecure?

Sometimes it's true. Sometimes not. Sometimes people DO know a lot and want to sincerely help others, but the way the information is delivered is the difference. Helpful people will present their advice in a positive way, but STILL come off as a-holes. Insecure people will be more snide and "holier than thou" with their knowledge or advice. Their tone is key here.

Gah! Smilies be broken.