open letter to loveforum

[justcheckin]

If I have learned anything over my 24 years, it is that you cannot make somebody love you. No matter how hard you try, or how hard you try to do everything right, it is impossible to make somebody love you in the way you want. I have some abandonment issues that I think are a real problem in my relationship. Going for more then 5 days without a solid conversation with my girlfriend and I get serious anxiety. Now, our relationship is perfect other then this one thing. And I am not exaggerating. We are taking things slow, we are not forcing ourself on each other, and we are both getting our space (granted, I am having issues dealing with it, but again, this is a personal problem and nothing she is doing). I simply need to learn that a person can still like somebody if they do not spend every day at their side. I have tried to drill this in my head multiple times but I am still not having any luck. I hate that I am this insecure about these things, because as soon as I say something (which is NOT a good idea btw) she gets upset with me, and then I am better. I dont understand why that happens, but I assume it is because it gets me SOME form of response over the usual "hey, whats up? what are you doing? etc etc...

I just hope that I can change this before it is too late. She says she still feels the same way about me, even though I said something to her (again), she basically just told me I just need to seriously stop. I am just worried that I have destroyed a good thing. I hope not. She says things are no different. I am the one that feels something weird I think.

Anyway, good luck all.

[Snacky7]

Aw I feel your pain man. And I wish the best in working out everything. I also suffer from some of the same insecurities but I think I've gotten a lot better in the past year or two of my life. I've been single for awhile. It's good to know that you can be happy and perfectly fine being alone. You'll get there - and hopefully in time to make things with your girl!

[justcheckin]

I was happy being single and alone. I had already been in love once... it sucked. I don't mean that in a pessimistic way, I'm just saying it was a lot of heart ache for sure. I don't want our relationship to end up like that, and I am not sure what to do with my feelings basically haha. So I get real confused on my emotions when we go a while without talking, I just get worried for some reason. It sucks. This girl is perfect in every way.

[MrsHis]

I can sympathize ~ I have a lot of insecurity issues. lol

I'm not sure if your issue is the same as mine, but after a little while with no contact, I start thinking "Is he over me? Is he hanging out with someone else? Is he not calling because he's decided he just isn't into me?"

If that is the same issue with you, maybe what helps me will help you.

Give her the credit she deserves. She doesn't turn into a villain when she's away. What I mean is, just because you're not right there doesn't mean she is acting any differently. Remind yourself that when she is away, you're still dedicated to her. You still care about her. In fact, you miss her. She probably feels the same way. So when you're apart, she's still dedicated, caring, into you, etc.

I have to remind myself the same things about my husband and we're married. We see each other every night. But, if the day goes by and he doesn't call me at least once while we're at work, I wonder if he's mad about something. But, I know he's not - he's working. haha

Something that stuck out was "she says things are no different." Sounds like you're pulling another one of my stunts. Even when the first confrontation is over, then I'm like "I'm so sorry. Are you upset? Do you still love me?" It's draining to your partner.

Try to remind yourself that if she's upset, she will most likely tell you. One apology is plenty. Twenty is even more aggravating than the first confrontation. If she says it's fine, it probably is. If she was ticked off, and you asked if she was upset, she'd be like "Well, YEAH!"

Something else I noticed was that you mentioned talking about something other than what she's been doing. My husband and I play a game sometimes, that helps have deeper conversations without anyone being upset. We basically just take turns asking each other random questions. "If you had ten million dollars, what would you do with it?" "If you could pick one person in this world to help in any way, who would it be and how would you help?" "If you had unlimited resources to open your own business, what would it be?" "When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?" "If you could solve world hunger or end war forever, which would you do and why?"

It has helped us get to know each other so well. And it's typically intimate, reassuring, and non-confrontational.

I hope this helps!

[justcheckin]

thanks for your reply. That is actually exactly what I am going through. I cant stand it. Its stupid I know, because I know she is not cheating on me or anything, and I know she is actually busy, but I still have that same feeling. Almost as if "well if I was in her shoes, I would totally find 30 min of free time to get away and say hello", which I guess is not very fair because we are completely different people. Does he forgive you if that issue has come up more then once? We have had this happen to us about 3 times now.... I feel like I am on the verge of "enough is enough" and she is gonna get fed up with it. What can I do you think to help? Just tell myself over and over she still likes me?

[Kaius]

thanks for your reply. That is actually exactly what I am going through. I cant stand it. Its stupid I know, because I know she is not cheating on me or anything, and I know she is actually busy, but I still have that same feeling. Almost as if "well if I was in her shoes, I would totally find 30 min of free time to get away and say hello", which I guess is not very fair because we are completely different people. Does he forgive you if that issue has come up more then once? We have had this happen to us about 3 times now.... I feel like I am on the verge of "enough is enough" and she is gonna get fed up with it. What can I do you think to help? Just tell myself over and over she still likes me?

Hey man, I know it's tough to be apart from your girl when you want to be with her all the time. I can relate. I am engaged to the love of my life, but because she lives so darn far from me, I only get to see her 3 times a week. She is a busy mom, and I am a busy professional, so there is very little we can do for now until we move in together this summer, and get married. You might want to pick up something to occupy your time. At least for me, all the negative thoughts come into my head when I am lonely and bored. Go join a local organization to network and socialize. Do fun stuff that you enjoy to occupy your time. Believe or not, at some point you are gonna wish you had some alone time to do guy stuff. Just get pass what's in your head. It's all created by yourself, so you need to move forward and set your mind free.

[Darkest Heaven]

You bring it up because it gets you into a heated conversation, during which she reassures you and gets upset with you because you doubt her. Know how I know? I'm the same way.

My ideal partner will not see me 24/7, but I'd rather be alone than have a partner who I barley see. I'm just wired that way.

[ashley89]

I used to be like this with my ex. we saw each other alot, but whenever he went to hang out with his friends or do stuff alone, I would worry. and then I started to realize that it was annoying, not only for him, but for myself. first of all, the other person doesn't want to feel smothered and think they can't be apart from you without you missing them too much and worrying. I felt the same way - I would think "is he having more fun without me? what is he doing?" even when he would text me, if a long amount of time went by I'd be wondering if he was mad, etc. it got to be stupid after awhile. I completely understand your situation. just know that things are ok, she is fine, and try not to worry. maybe hang out with friends or spend time doing a hobby so that you will be busy too, and your mind won't be on her as much

[justcheckin]

thanks for all the replies guys. Her sister came into town today so I told her we should "take today and tomorrow and just focus on being happy.". She had said how she has been stressed with school and stuff. She said "I couldn't agree more," but not in a bad way. In the, I think that really is a good idea way. She said our plans are still on for Sunday (superbowl at her house back home), so I am relieved that I have that to look forward too. I even almost hope she doesn't attempt to contact me tomorrow just so she can have a full day to herself. I dont want her to feel smothered at all, and I hate myself for getting the way I do. All you gusy suggest I should get out and that it is brought on by bordem... I should really take the hint. I stay fairly busy with school, so I seem to find myself spending most of my free time just hanging around at the apartment doing nothing special. I guess I could try getting out more, but then again, I am not a "social drinker" either. Dont get my wrong, I have no problems with meeting or talking to new people, I just don't enjoy drinking lol. Plus its not worth the possible DUI either. Either way, thanks again for hte help. It helps just to her some peoples opinions. Im glad you guys dont think I have screwed up completely

[justcheckin]

Hey man, I know it's tough to be apart from your girl when you want to be with her all the time. I can relate. I am engaged to the love of my life, but because she lives so darn far from me, I only get to see her 3 times a week. She is a busy mom, and I am a busy professional, so there is very little we can do for now until we move in together this summer, and get married. You might want to pick up something to occupy your time. At least for me, all the negative thoughts come into my head when I am lonely and bored. Go join a local organization to network and socialize. Do fun stuff that you enjoy to occupy your time. Believe or not, at some point you are gonna wish you had some alone time to do guy stuff. Just get pass what's in your head. It's all created by yourself, so you need to move forward and set your mind free.

that is exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you.